Author irresolute Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 This. OP, this is awful. You are their mother - act like it. Yes, but I can't take the kids without his permission. He'll take this against me in court. He will never hurt the kids. But he could hurt me. Next time he's abusive, I'll call 911. I haven't done it before because kids were sleeping and he'll become crazier with me if I do anything that can interfere with his professional life or with the kids. I'm giving him one more chance, and I'll do my best to be just quiet, don't cross paths with him, and don't get him mad.
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I have a few questions. And please understand I mean no offense by them. First off, have you ever been diagnosed by a mental health professional, and if so, honestly with what? (Please don't take this as condescending. It will help discern the best strategy). Secondly, did you say he has actually physically been abusive? Thirdly, can you tell me honestly what you are guilty of in this situation (I.e. Swearing, threats, etc. anything)
writergal Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I just want Johnny right now. I'd be so happy if I could see him. I just can't cope with all this. I just can't. Again, your first thought goes to Johnny, your affair partner and not your own children's safety with two abusive parents (to each other). Why? Why aren't your children your first priority? I genuinely would like to know. Do you not like your own children? Do you not care about their well being? Who spends more time with your children? You or your husband? I think you should give your husband full custody of your children, since you seem to only care about being with the guy you had an affair with. None of your threads ever mention your children, so that makes me think you don't really care about them. 10
ZiggyZoo Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Yes, but I can't take the kids without his permission. He'll take this against me in court. He will never hurt the kids. But he could hurt me. Next time he's abusive, I'll call 911. I haven't done it before because kids were sleeping and he'll become crazier with me if I do anything that can interfere with his professional life or with the kids. I'm giving him one more chance, and I'll do my best to be just quiet, don't cross paths with him, and don't get him mad. Bullsh*t. Not only CAN you take the kids out of a situation where there is abuse, or potential abuse, but if you DON'T, then you may well have them taken away from you. I've been a volunteer advocate for abused children in the foster system for my county for almost four years, and have seen it happen. Women who don't want to leave their abusive man and keep their kids in that environment lose their kids as a result. I'm not in CA, but I can guarantee that there are no laws there against it, if you are their birth mother. Stop making excuses. Your kids deserve better than that. You don't know that he'll never hurt them, and why would you even risk it? 6
writergal Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Yes, but I can't take the kids without his permission. He'll take this against me in court. He will never hurt the kids. But he could hurt me. Next time he's abusive, I'll call 911. I haven't done it before because kids were sleeping and he'll become crazier with me if I do anything that can interfere with his professional life or with the kids. I'm giving him one more chance, and I'll do my best to be just quiet, don't cross paths with him, and don't get him mad. Let him have the kids. I think they are safer in their home with their father, the only stable parent they have, based on your responses here that you only care about being with Johnny. Why aren't you the least bit concerned for your own children? That's terrible to put them second to your affair partner. Just terrible. I just can't figure this one out. If I had children, their needs would always come before mine. Always. Without a doubt in my mind. 7
Author irresolute Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 I have a few questions. And please understand I mean no offense by them. First off, have you ever been diagnosed by a mental health professional, and if so, honestly with what? (Please don't take this as condescending. It will help discern the best strategy). Secondly, did you say he has actually physically been abusive? Thirdly, can you tell me honestly what you are guilty of in this situation (I.e. Swearing, threats, etc. anything) -None of the counselors diagnosed me with any mental illness. -He refused to leave the main bedroom, and wanted to sleep in the same bed as me. for that purpose, he grabbed my legs and tried to forced himself into the bed. I tried to push him away at this point. -I'm scared of him. I'm scared to talk or take action against him because I'm scared he'll retaliate.
Author irresolute Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Again, your first thought goes to Johnny, your affair partner and not your own children's safety with two abusive parents (to each other). Why? Why aren't your children your first priority? I genuinely would like to know. Do you not like your own children? Do you not care about their well being? Who spends more time with your children? You or your husband? I think you should give your husband full custody of your children, since you seem to only care about being with the guy you had an affair with. None of your threads ever mention your children, so that makes me think you don't really care about them. I've never wanted to make them part of all my emotional mess. For that reason I kept them out of loveshack until now. and I only mentioned it because I'm at a point in which my life will drastically change. One thing is Johnny and me and all this mess. another, very different, are my kids. don't you dare to say they are not my priority.
writergal Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 -None of the counselors diagnosed me with any mental illness. -He refused to leave the main bedroom, and wanted to sleep in the same bed as me. for that purpose, he grabbed my legs and tried to forced himself into the bed. I tried to push him away at this point. -I'm scared of him. I'm scared to talk or take action against him because I'm scared he'll retaliate. What about your children? What are your plans to help keep them safe if your husband is so abusive to you? I get the sense that you are overdramatizing your husband's behavior, to justify seeing your affair partner Johnny again. It's not that I don't want to believe that your husband is being abusive, but most of your threads here are focused on all the dating you do and your efforts to win your Johnny back. 4
Author irresolute Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Bullsh*t. Not only CAN you take the kids out of a situation where there is abuse, or potential abuse, but if you DON'T, then you may well have them taken away from you. I've been a volunteer advocate for abused children in the foster system for my county for almost four years, and have seen it happen. Women who don't want to leave their abusive man and keep their kids in that environment lose their kids as a result. I'm not in CA, but I can guarantee that there are no laws there against it, if you are their birth mother. Stop making excuses. Your kids deserve better than that. You don't know that he'll never hurt them, and why would you even risk it? we'll have a talk this Friday and decide what are the next steps. I'm sure I'll lose, but I'll do my possible to keep my kids at least 50 % of the time. he is a great father. I have nothing to say about him on that regard. I'll fight for the kids to be ok while all this process takes part. I'm guilty I'm deciding to divorce. He's told me that I'm selfish because I'm breaking the family, but I can't honestly live or love him anymore. and I think the kids will be ok without all this BS
Author irresolute Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 What about your children? What are your plans to help keep them safe if your husband is so abusive to you? I get the sense that you are overdramatizing your husband's behavior, to justify seeing your affair partner Johnny again. It's not that I don't want to believe that your husband is being abusive, but most of your threads here are focused on all the dating you do and your efforts to win your Johnny back. you can think whatever you want. after all these years I've learned I don't have to convince anyone to believe me or not. Same with love: I can't make anyone to love me back if they don't love me.
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I can tell you are genuinely fearful. Does he have a past history of violence? Is there any particular reason you fear physical retribution from him? What is it that makes you think he will retaliate? Hope my questions don't come across too personal. But I can offer a sound strategy once I know as many details as possible if you're interested.
goldway90 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Visit this and call them now they will help you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help No offense to anyone here but tough love doesn't help in this situation. 4
writergal Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Some resources: California Women's Shelters, Transitional Housing Los Angeles CA Women's Shelters, Transitional Housing CDSS https://www.roomorama.com/short-term-rentals/california/ 3
Auspecial Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 You have no other choice but to call 911 and charge him with assault and go through the whole process of getting and keeping a restraining order. If you don't, it will escalate. 2
lana-banana Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Either this situation is so dire your family's safety is in jeopardy or it isn't. Either you are endangering your children's well-being by staying at home or you aren't. Which is it? 5
BC1980 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 What is stopping you from divorcing him and moving out? Are you scared of him? Will he take the kids? Can you manage financially on your own? What is keeping you in this situation?
Author irresolute Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 What is stopping you from divorcing him and moving out? Are you scared of him? Will he take the kids? Can you manage financially on your own? What is keeping you in this situation? I don't have any money. I don't work. I'm finishing my bachelor right now. I don't have a place to go with the kids. Is fear what keeps me in this situation.
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I don't have any money. I don't work. I'm finishing my bachelor right now. I don't have a place to go with the kids. Is fear what keeps me in this situation. Friends? Neighbours even?
Author irresolute Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 I can tell you are genuinely fearful. Does he have a past history of violence? Is there any particular reason you fear physical retribution from him? What is it that makes you think he will retaliate? Hope my questions don't come across too personal. But I can offer a sound strategy once I know as many details as possible if you're interested. I don't know if he has a history of previous violence. I think he'll retaliate because every time I didn't want to have sex with him in the past, he's threatened me and punished me with silence. I'm at my daughters performance right now, at intermission right now, but we are sitting far apart and we haven't talked even to say hi. I just don't want to have to see him. He knows I don't love him and never will, but I think deep inside he thought I was still going to think about it. All this situation with Johnny was the breaking point. I decided to tell him I didn't want to pursue anything with him, and he got absolutely crazy and irrational.
clia Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I don't know if he has a history of previous violence. You don't know if he was previously violent with you? I think he'll retaliate because every time I didn't want to have sex with him in the past, he's threatened me and punished me with silence. I'm at my daughters performance right now, at intermission right now, but we are sitting far apart and we haven't talked even to say hi. I just don't want to have to see him. He knows I don't love him and never will, but I think deep inside he thought I was still going to think about it. All this situation with Johnny was the breaking point. I decided to tell him I didn't want to pursue anything with him, and he got absolutely crazy and irrational. Retaliate how? You are asking for trouble by continuing to live with your husband and expecting him to support you financially while you are obsessing about Johnny and other men. My mind is just blown at how strange your living situation is right now given your posts on this forum. It's so unhealthy. If you don't want to be with your husband anymore (or pursue anything with him), then you need to move out and divorce him. If you can't afford to move out, you should get a job so that you can afford to move out, or talk to legal aid or an attorney to figure out your options. Can you go stay with friends or family for awhile until you figure things out and get settled? Have you spoken to an attorney? Can your family members lend you some money to hire an attorney? Why don't you have any friends nearby? Have you talked to anyone at legal aid?
writergal Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 California Legal Aid organizations by county: California Legal Aid Organizations This is probably your most useful website of links: LawHelpCalifornia.org | A guide to free and low-cost legal aid, assistance and services in CA Specifically this link: http://lawhelpca.org/issues/families-and-kids
Author irresolute Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 You don't know if he was previously violent with you? Retaliate how? You are asking for trouble by continuing to live with your husband and expecting him to support you financially while you are obsessing about Johnny and other men. My mind is just blown at how strange your living situation is right now given your posts on this forum. It's so unhealthy. If you don't want to be with your husband anymore (or pursue anything with him), then you need to move out and divorce him. If you can't afford to move out, you should get a job so that you can afford to move out, or talk to legal aid or an attorney to figure out your options. Can you go stay with friends or family for awhile until you figure things out and get settled? Have you spoken to an attorney? Can your family members lend you some money to hire an attorney? Why don't you have any friends nearby? Have you talked to anyone at legal aid? Not physically violent. Yes emotionally abusive. Always. I think all this Johnny think was an intent to evade reality. My life is painful and difficult. johnny was the hope of a new life, an exciting one. I guess I pursued that fantasy, and never gave up because my life was insupportable. I needed Johnny. I still need him. He was my escape. I stalked him instead of taking action to end this situation with husband. I'm scared of everything. Johnny was predictable. Johnny was comfy. A broken guy scared of commitment who never showed interest. And me, trying to desperately grab him. Wanting him to save me. It was all a big mess. It still is.
Author irresolute Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 California Legal Aid organizations by county: California Legal Aid Organizations This is probably your most useful website of links: LawHelpCalifornia.org | A guide to free and low-cost legal aid, assistance and services in CA Specifically this link: LawHelpCalifornia.org | A guide to free and low-cost legal aid, assistance and services in CA Thank you. Thank you so much for this. 1
writergal Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I hope those links will help you sort this situation out, for the benefit of your children, for you and for your husband.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 What is this I don't even. You have children? You have a husband? What the hell is going on here? 10
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