yakamoz Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 So I have posted here before about my 3 year ongoing EA with my boss (he would never agree it is an EA but I think it is). I was given good advice on these threads and I am back hoping I'll get some more that will help me stick to LC. For obvious reasons, I can't go NC with him and it is not possible for me to quit my job right now. To give a little background since I haven't posted in a while, my current boss and I have a very close friendship that developed within the last 3 years. Last summer, I had a partial disclosure of a sort in which I told him I had very strong feelings for him. He told me he had the same feelings and we developed a very close but horribly toxic relationship in which there is constant circle of pulls and pushes always initiated and controlled by him. Several times I came to this site desperately hoping to find a solution to my obsession with this man. In any case, I think, I hope, I am finally ready to move on (I know I wrote this before and hopefully this time it is for real). 3 months ago, during the holiday season, he was back in a hot mode with his full attention focused on me. I spent hours sitting in his office and we talked about virtually everything - his personal aspirations, plans, his failing marriage, things happening in the upper management, his intimate secrets etc...He sought me out constantly, giving me the full treatment - the long eye contacts, flirty exchanges, complements etc...So of course, my limerence was in high gear. This lasted for about a month or so and then just like that he dropped me and turned this attention to another co-worker, giving her the exact same focus. You can imagine the pain and depression I found myself in. This is not the only time he has done this, but I stupidly believed after all the things we shared - he told me 'I love you" at least 3 times in this time period - that I was finally starting to feel secure with him. Well, I am an idiot, what else can I say. I had two talks with him and asked him honestly why he was doing this pull push thing. He denied he was being cold, made excuses that he was just busy and made me feel like an idiot who was dreaming the whole thing. I turned into this neurotic, irrational woman with constant depression and crying bouts. I think everyone has a limit and I reached mine this week. I decided to go LC with him and but I knew from the past experience he won't let me go LC for too long. As I pulled out, he would start coming around asking what was going on? At this point in the past, I would just crumble. So this time I had a plan. I went to him last week, and told him for the first time in our relationship that I had fallen in love with him (of course he already knows how I feel, I just never clearly stated it to him before. It was always an unspoken thing between us). After telling him that, I told him this was affecting me too much and that I decided I was going LC with him. I told him I expected him to do the same. I could see I shocked him which pleased me immensely. I don't think he ever thought I would do something like this. He always controlled our contact and manipulated my weakness for him to his advantage and his words never ever matched his actions. He suggested we could still stay friends but I told him firmly that that would not do. I took the whole blame that it was nothing he did and amazingly, the axxhole claimed he never did anything to let me think he had any feelings for me. I let it go. I walked out of there having lost the last bit of respect I had for him as a man. He is a coward and manipulative aXX for letting me (in his mind) walk out of that office with the doubts and confusion. I knew all along this would be his reaction. I knew he would not be honest with me and say, "look I know certain things were done and said between us which may not have been appropriate, but I have feelings for you too. You are right however that they are inappropriate and lets make this right". But he took the coward's way out. I am so disgusted with him and with myself for being a party to this. In any case, amazingly as I walked out, I felt the entire weight of the world lifting off from my shoulders and my vision clearing. We had 2 days of LC right now and while I am in pain, I feel I took the power back from him. I forced him finally into taking an action and forced him to end his mind games. I am done with him. I am hurt and angry with myself for giving this axxhole so much power that he turned me into this lunatic. I realize I have lot of work to do on myself. How did I let this toxic individual into my life and let him damage me with his pathetic mind games. I was so naïve and honest with him and I now see how horribly abusive he was with me. But the men I loved in the past, always loved me back. So when he would tell me he loved me and how wonderful I was, and how special I was to him I believed him. In the end, he shamelessly stood there and denied all of it. I know I have to figure out why I let this happen. Does anyone think giving him a full disclosure like that was not a good idea? I know in marriagebuilders site it says you should never do this but I felt this was the only way of going LC with him and sticking with it. I have been so desperate to end his games and his control over my feelings for a long time. Any other suggestions on how to stick with LC are welcome. Sorry for the long post.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Really try and put yourself out there to find another job. As long as you are working with him, seeing him daily, no way will this end. You fed his ego big time and he played it as far as he could. You fell for him and he manipulated you.
Author yakamoz Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Thank you, I am trying to get out. I will have a chance change my unit at the end of this year. I just need to keep LC until then. I was never this determined in the past and always let him come back. He has been honoring my request so far. We only e-mailed each other work related in the past 2 days and maybe spoke few times again work related. I just don't know what his long term reaction will be. If he stays this way, I know I will move on within few weeks. I just don't know if he'll double up on his efforts or simply move on to his new victim since I am refusing to feed his ego at this point.
badpenny Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 (edited) If he ever sends you something emotionally-related, send it right back with a note to say - "The message you have sent is of no interest to the recipient." Block him in every-which way you can, 'socially'. make sure he cannot send you texts, private emails, posts/messages on facebook or in any other way. Avoid eye contact at work, and if the occasion arises, and you're sat in the same room, sit well away from him and again, only make eye contact if absolutely necessary. Very well done. You finally got it that it was one enormous Ego trip. Edited March 29, 2015 by badpenny typo
Author yakamoz Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Thank you badpenny, I have no intention of responding to him. If I am careful, I could pretty much not see him all week or just few times a week. Eye contact is what I have to stay away from when I see him. That's how he usually draws me back in. I have never had a man look at me the way he does so I have to be very careful about that. Of course now I know there is nothing real about him, it is all an illusion. I am very pleased with myself, it was so difficult for me to take this step. I am hopeful it will be different this time. I have a clear plan in my head and I know him better now. Before I was simply reacting to his actions now I took some concrete steps to end this toxic relationship. I agree it was a huge ego trip for him and but also for me I should add. I also realize now that he is predator. I see him do this with many women at work. We all have one thing in common - very low self esteem. He is a very attractive male with an amazing charisma. But when you look at the women he goes after - they are either very unattractive by social conventions (like his W and one co-worker he is close to); very heavy/overweight women with lot of body image issues; or pretty women with other personal issues (like me and the 40 yr old single girl he is focused on now who is desperate about finding a man). I wrote about my circumstances when I started this job in the past threads and I was at my lowest at the time. He focused on me like a laser beam and build my low self-esteem only to crush it back down again. But that is his MO, that's what he does. I assume he keeps coming back to me because I am currently the most attractive and intellectual woman he sees. He not only fancies himself as ladies man but also the intellectual type. That's another thing I need to be careful about. He will come back trying the draw me in by using the work we do. I am so hurt. I should, however, count my blessings that it never went beyond EA. I can't even imagine the world of hurt I would be in if this was a PA.
badpenny Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Let me ask you a question: Would you have paid him this amount of attention, had he been exactly the same person, but the company janitor and cleaner? I suspect not. It pays to look at our own attitudes and to whom we are drawn. His position fed his charisma. His power gave him an added attractiveness. Strip that all away, and is the person he is, enough? This is not said to criticise your preferences. This is to illustrate that you fell for the package. Because behind the big desk and the Director's comfy chair, he may not have the full substance you attribute to him.... 1
Doublegold Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Brava! Continue to focus on you and move forward. He is a Narcissistic Personality at best...run, don't walk.
Author yakamoz Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 BadPennny, honestly I thought a lot about your question over the years. But to be honest, physically, he is the type of man I always fall for. In fact, he is physically very similar to my husband. There is no question he gave me a lot of validation but if we were same level employees working together, I am positive I would have still fall for him badly. He was a brand new supervisor when I first met him. He is at a much higher level now. In any case, I never thought too highly of the upper management in my former jobs and knocked heads with lot of them. I was never the favorite of anyone in upper management because I normally have a very headstrong, non-bs personality. But lot of things happened in my life in the last 5 years and I see now that I was very broken by the time I started this job. I am not the only person with very high expectations for him, he is like the golden boy of the company. Lot of people, however, are not aware of his activities or choose to ignore them because he is the 'golden boy'. He has a very high reputation with most people and initially I was attracted to his positive, seemingly kind and always supportive personality. Everyone thinks he is awesome and such a fair manager. It took me 3 years to finally figure out what type of a person he is. I am not trying to undermine the bad choices I made. I feel very guilty about my part in all of this and paid the price for it. All the hurt and heart ache and tears I went thru in the last year for this man is so pathetic, I walk around hating myself almost all the time now. I know this is not me, I never took any bs from anyone including the men I dated. I was always treated well by men and I think that made me very naïve about how these things work. Thank you DoubleGold, I completely agree he is a narcissist. I know lot of people say that about people they have issues with but when I look at the definition, it fits him so well. I am hoping I will be able to free myself of him and his toxic influence.
HeartWon'tHeal Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I am so hurt. I should, however, count my blessings that it never went beyond EA. I can't even imagine the world of hurt I would be in if this was a PA. I'm sorry you are hurting and yes be thankful your affair was not physical. My affair was physical and xMM told me he loved me. Blah blah blah it was all lies and he hurt me very deeply. I have moved on and am healing but I will never be the same emotionally or trust very easily again. Try to find a new job and get away from this toxic man.
badpenny Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Yakamoz, never be someone's option. Always be with someone who puts you first and treats you the way you want to be treated, period, no ups-and-downs. Best of luck looking for a new post. And thanks for your responses. I trust you understand no attack was included; it was ot a veiled assault upon you but a stimulant to make you think, long and hard, about what to accept and never accept again. I wish you well, much success and total healing and self-appointed closure. You're doing great.
Author yakamoz Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Hi BadPenny, Please, I did not perceive your post as an attack. Believe me I think about these questions all the time. Thank you for your best wishes. My focus will be to stick with the LC. If I can just manage doing that for a few weeks, I think I will have a break through. I agree that we should never be an option B for someone. What makes my behavior so much worse is that I have a wonderful husband who treats me like gold. I am really truly so sorry for my inability to control my feelings about this guy. Thank you Heart, I am so sorry you were so hurt. Sad thing from my perspective is I never had any expectations from this guy other than little honesty and acknowledgement that he has feelings for me and that I didn't day dream the whole thing. Despite all that was said and done between us, he could not give me that one simple honesty. Why are some men like this?
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