Boyfriend never makes the first step to make up after a fight

[orangetree]

Hi,

 

I need your opinion and advice on the following situation:

 

My boyfriend (30) has different work hours (and days off) every month, and he gets his work schedule usually on the 27th each month (for the following month). So yesterday noon his new work schedule arrived (by email) when we were at lunch. I first didn't know he was checking his work schedule and called him jokingly (really as a joke, he also calls me the same all the time when I take out my phone at lunch or so) a phone addict. He kept checking his phone and just said that his work schedule just arrived but that he won't tell me the schedule because I called him a phone addict. At that point I was laughing, because he really didn't seem to be pissed or anything and I thought well, he can tell me later about it. The day passed (we spent the day together with his family) and he didn't tell me about his schedule. I asked a few times and he still didn't want to tell me.

 

The reason why I want to know about his schedule is simple- He always tells me about it, just so I know. We live together, so I want to know when to expect him leaving and coming home and when he has days off so we can plan something. Also, he asked for a few days off the end of April so we can go to Mexico (we have been talking about this for months), but they don't always give him off so now I'm in the situation where I don't know if he gets those days off or not, don't know if I should book a flight or not, don't know if we should plan th trip or not. For him it's easier, since he works for an airline he doesn't need to book anything and just pays a really small percentage of the price I pay.

 

So when he still didm't want to tell me about his work schedule at midnight last night, I started to get pissed. A few hours before when I asked he said 'Ok, I'll tell you after dinner' I said okay. After dinner he didn't say anything, so then I asked him before we went to bed and he just said no again, without giving me any reason. He also said that he never said he would tell me after dinner, which is clearly not true because I remember exactly how it happened.

 

Well then I got pissed and said what I said here- That I don't get why he's not telling me and that I need to know because of the trip we were planning. He then got pissed at me and just said 'Yea whatever' and played some silly game on his phone. I then just went to sleep angry. The next morning he didn't talk to me and we barely talked all day. Now I'm going to bed again, next to him, still without talking.

 

Every single time we fight it is me who makes the first step afterwards. It's always me who goes to him after we didn't talk for a bit and say 'Let's talk' and start explaining him my position and tell him I wanna make up etc. He has never said sorry, ever, for anything. The maximum he could do is listening to me when I'm starting the conversation and sometimes say 'yes I understand your point'. This time I just had enough- I don't want to be the one again who starts the conversation after silence! For once in his life he should be the one coming to me I think.

 

Am I wrong to expect that? Should I make the first step to make up again as usual? Or should I keep the silent treatment (not completely silence, we talk about things we have to talk about, like 'Have you seen the blue bag') that he started?

 

 

Thanks.

[Buddhist]

Your boyfriend appears to be acting like a child and giving you the silent treatment over trivial things. Why you put up with it, or bother to be with him is anyone's guess. It's not like boyfriends are hard to come by. I certainly wouldn't be living with it especially considering he is of an age where adult behaviour would be expected.

[orangetree]

Your boyfriend appears to be acting like a child and giving you the silent treatment over trivial things. Why you put up with it, or bother to be with him is anyone's guess. It's not like boyfriends are hard to come by. I certainly wouldn't be living with it especially considering he is of an age where adult behaviour would be expected.

 

 

Sometimes I don't know either why I put up with it. Most of the time he's a great boyfriend, sweet, caring, funny. But every time he screws something up he gets angry for me being angry and then doesn't talk at all. I'm always the one who starts the conversation because I hate the silent treatment. I mean right now I'm giving him the silent treatment too, but only because I want him FOR ONCE to come to me and start the conversation. I don't wanna be the person AGAIN who does it. And I already told him that he was pissing me off the night two days ago, all he said was 'Yea whatever' and started the silent treatment.

[Gaeta]

You have a long history of threads demonstrating how careless, immature, inconsiderate, passive aggressive, your boyfriend is. He's a big moron who looks down on you. I hope you won't start making babies with him.

[badpenny]

He's playing passive-aggressive little mind games with you.

he's actin g like a 9-year old, and is getting away with it, because he can tell it gets to you.

Nothing fuels a 'controller' more than knowing their behaviour is hitting home.

 

Remember the adage:

"He who cares the least, controls the most."

 

His little 'whatever' retort is more suited to the mouth of a tuculent adolescent, rather thn a grown adult.

 

The best form of response form you here, is to now act completely as if NOTHING is the matter.

Hum to yourself, put some nice music on, and forget about this trip to wherever.

Don't menton it again.

Leave it be.

 

If he then says anything about it, turn round and say

"Oh, I'm not going, I've made other plans.... well you were so enthusiastic about it, I quote, "Yea, whatever"... that I figured you gave a sh*t damn. So I made other plans."

 

Then make other plans.

If he's still there when you get back, more's the pity....

[dyna85]

Have you ever discussed with him how his childish silent treatment tactics make you feel? Obviously there has to be a deeper reason for him not telling you his schedule than just 'not telling you his schedule,' but you're not a mind reader, so that's not on you to figure out, but rather he needs to learn to communicate better.

 

He sounds very immature for his age. Unless he's willing to work through the problem with you, it will probably continue to repeat, as it has. Also, isn't being the first to break the ice every single time after being given the silent treatment some sort of reward for the person employing the behavior? I would think for a different outcome, the strategy on your end would need to change. At the same time, I can understand your dilemma, because what if he doesn't address the issue and just keeps on playing this game of ignoring the elephant in the room?

 

Maybe see what happens if you aren't the first to come around this time.

 

Also, you haven't discussed how this behavior affects you, this is something you might want to talk about, when the current round finalizes.

 

Maybe therapy would help also.

[TigerCub]

You know how you were planning a trip for the end of April.

 

Well, you should find a friend that wants to do that trip with you and go with that friend.

It's not really your problem if your stupid bf gets upset then, cuz he wouldn't tell you his schedule and you're not going to ruin your chance to go an a trip.

 

Find a friend, go with them have a great time and your passive aggressive dumbass of a bf can just deal with it.

 

Instead of you chasing after him and indulging him in his bulls**t, do something different and show him that his silly games don't work and you will not be putting up with them.

 

Don't tell him of your plan, just go ahead and do it.

[orangetree]

The worst is that he gets mad when I get pissed because he did something wrong. I mean what kind of reaction does he expect of me when he doesn't want to tell me his schedule for absolutely no reason, then says he will tell me later and then says later 'No, still not going to tell you' and 'I never said I would tell you later'. Did he expect I would just be 'Okay honey, no problem'?

 

This makes me so mad! Actually so mad that I'm not even sad, which is a good thing. This morning he just left before I even woke up to ride his bicycle, so when I woke up alone I just left myself and went for coffee with a friend and now I'm working in a coffee shop. Not planning to go back home anytime soon because I know this silent treatment **** will just go on and on.

 

Right now I'm doing exactly what you suggested- I'm pretending that everything is ok and I'm neither mad or sad. I just don't talk to him (because he doesn't talk to me either), except of a few things we need to talk about (as mentioned before, like if he knows at what time the cleaning lady arrives etc.). I wonder how long this silent treatment **** will go on. Tomorrow he has off, so I think he's planning to go to the beach and surf with some of our mutual friends. I wonder if I should go or not. On the one side I don't want him to think that I'm coming with him because I support his childish behavior, on the other hand they're also my friends.

 

By the way, he doesn't seem his behavior as childish at all. When I told him in the past that his behavior is childish and immature, he just got more pissed and defensive and made it seem like I just really insulted him.

[preraph]

Well, fighting sounds fun for him. After all, you always reward him with forgiving him instead of standing your ground. That's okay if it happens once in awhile, but you don't want to be tied to a person for very long who "is never wrong." I don't know if you are bothering and monitoring him too much. Apparently so or it wouldn't be a big deal for him. So that is within your control. You need to have enough respect for anyone that if they say "too much," you stop doing that. Even living together, you have the time you're together to plan the week or next day or whatever. You don't need to touch base with someone every time you make a move and you don't need to micromanage their lives and know what they're doing every minute either. So if he says you're a pest, respect that and just stop even contacting him by phone unless it's an emergency. Sometimes to get someone to walk toward you, you have to get off their back and give them room to breathe and then they'll become more voluntarily communicative.

 

He obviously feels very threatened by your control issues and doesn't want to arm you with the knowledge of his schedule. You are not his mommy! And acting like his mommy and keeping tabs on him is a for certain sex killer! No one wants to bang their mommy.

 

Forget about the trip and all that and just let it go and work on this bigger issue right now, which is restoring balance. You can't force someone to let you in. And not everyone is EVER going to let you peer into every facet of their day! Maybe you're not right for each other, but truly not many people are comfortable with a high level of being monitored.

 

And your reward for this is that going forward, you make other plans without consulting him and go do what you want to do in a day.

[elaine567]

Never saying sorry

The Non-Apologetic

It can be hard to deal with people who never apologize. Being able to admit that you’re wrong and take ownership for your actions is a sign of maturity. If your boyfriend never apologizes when you express that he’s hurt you, this could be a serious red flag.

You should be with someone who will show empathy when you’re down and will want to right his wrongs. If your boyfriend hurts you in any way or does something to upset you, he should make the effort to make it up to you. Don’t let your man get away with everything. By always letting him off the hook, you’re only preventing him from staying hooked.

Five Guys You Should Never Settle For

[orangetree]

Well, fighting sounds fun for him. After all, you always reward him with forgiving him instead of standing your ground. That's okay if it happens once in awhile, but you don't want to be tied to a person for very long who "is never wrong." I don't know if you are bothering and monitoring him too much. Apparently so or it wouldn't be a big deal for him. So that is within your control. You need to have enough respect for anyone that if they say "too much," you stop doing that. Even living together, you have the time you're together to plan the week or next day or whatever. You don't need to touch base with someone every time you make a move and you don't need to micromanage their lives and know what they're doing every minute either. So if he says you're a pest, respect that and just stop even contacting him by phone unless it's an emergency. Sometimes to get someone to walk toward you, you have to get off their back and give them room to breathe and then they'll become more voluntarily communicative.

 

He obviously feels very threatened by your control issues and doesn't want to arm you with the knowledge of his schedule. You are not his mommy! And acting like his mommy and keeping tabs on him is a for certain sex killer! No one wants to bang their mommy.

 

Forget about the trip and all that and just let it go and work on this bigger issue right now, which is restoring balance. You can't force someone to let you in. And not everyone is EVER going to let you peer into every facet of their day! Maybe you're not right for each other, but truly not many people are comfortable with a high level of being monitored.

 

And your reward for this is that going forward, you make other plans without consulting him and go do what you want to do in a day.

 

 

Control issue? I think you got something really wrong here. I certainly don't control his life or monitor him, nor am I calling him all the time, nor do I expect him to call me all the time. Just last weekend he went for a boys trip and I didn't mind at all, didn't contact him even once, I just let him contact me when he wanted to.

 

I want him to tell me his work schedule so I know when he's home, and I don't think that's too much to ask when you live together. Sometimes he has to sleep in another city for work, so it's ok if he just doesn't tell me that and I'm at home worrying why he still hasn't come home? I don't think so. And I usually never even have to ask him to tell me his schedule, he usually tells me 'Hey, my schedule just arrive, look'. Plus, we were planning a trip in the end of April so it would be nice to know if he got those days off so I can book my flight and the hotel instead of wondering if he got off or not.

[kendahke]

I guess it all depends upon how long you are going to keep letting him know that this treatment is OK. Living with him is telling him the treatment is OK.

 

It's time to move out and live separately. He's not proving to be relationship-minded if he's this immature and simple. He is never going to amend his ways when he knows there are no real consequences to his actions. He knows you're not going anywhere, so why should he change? Things are just as he wants them--you bowing and scraping with apologies when he doesn't have to lift a finger to make amends.

 

I'd book that trip without him, since he's playing it like that.

[orangetree]

I guess it all depends upon how long you are going to keep letting him know that this treatment is OK. Living with him is telling him the treatment is OK.

 

It's time to move out and live separately. He's not proving to be relationship-minded if he's this immature and simple. He is never going to amend his ways when he knows there are no real consequences to his actions. He knows you're not going anywhere, so why should he change? Things are just as he wants them--you bowing and scraping with apologies when he doesn't have to lift a finger to make amends.

 

I'd book that trip without him, since he's playing it like that.

 

 

You're right and I will, regarding the trip. I already talked to a friend of mine and she's interested in the trip, too.

 

 

So yea, this morning when I woke up he was gone, without leaving a note. I saw that his bicycle was gone (it's in the storage room), so I knew he went out to bike (it's one of his hobbies), still it would have been nice to get a message telling me where he went. The whole afternoon and evening he has to work so we won't see each other. He finally texted me around an hour ago, just saying 'I'll be back around 1', nothing else. I wrote him back that I'm working in that coffee shop, nothing else. He read it, no answer. I feel like I shouldn't write him more. I mean after all he was the one who started all this and refuses to apologize or at least start the conversation and then he just left this morning before I even woke up. I guess I'm not going to contact him all day.