Is my boyfriend of 6 months checking out of the relationship?

[garfish99]

We're both in our mid-thirties. Typically, we still hang out on 2 work nights plus either a Fri or Sat . I always sleep over (his apt has privacy, mine doesn't). He used to be enthusiastic about planning dates. We'd try new places to eat at and we went dancing on our last real date. On the other days, we at least grabbed a quick meal and talked. For weeks now, he just wants to order takeout and watch movies. He asks if I want to go out or stay in. But I quickly learned that when I take him up on it, he's clearly not into it. I tried talking about it, but he just makes excuses (tired from work, lazy, not feeling well.) Or worse, denies he's uninterested and acts grumpy the whole time.

 

He still texts me frequently, asks about my day, compliments me, etc. But sometimes he randomly ignores a text or disappears mid-convo, only to be seen all over group chat (for a gps based phone game we play with people). He never used to do that.

 

We still make eachother laugh and horse around but the pillow talks have stopped because he pulls out his phone. He even does this during movies sometimes. He tells me what he's doing(looking at shirts, or on group chat) One time I brought it up, and he said,"So what do you want to talk about?" But I want him to WANT to talk to me. If I cuddle with him, he puts his phone away immediately at least.

 

Also, he never seemed interested in learning more about me other than music/movies/what I like in bed. He never seems curious about my life goals, dreams or anything deep. I talked about planning a day trip. He said he'd love that. But he wouldn't brainstorm with me, just said,"Whatever you want to do sounds great." He seems meh about it.

 

He DOES want to go out after we wake up on Sat or Sun. He will spend most of the day with me. But we missed last weekend for the first time in months, partly because I was going to a coffee festival. He passed on it even though he loves coffee and knew how excited I was to go. And this weekend, he said he can't see me until Sunday night because he has a lot of casenotes to catch up on and errands. He even turned down my suggestion to go for a run and that takes what, an hour? He knows I'll be out of town next weekend. We haven't seen each other since Tuesday. On Thursday he tried to see me last min (at midnight ) but I told him I had just had beers with roommates and that I wish he had invited me earlier. He did say,"I do enjoy you on weekends! So much! Just hadn't been convenient, it's not you at all. If I didn't have to get this done by Mon, I would love to waste the morning away cuddling with you" I said in surprise,"Last weekend too? I thought it was just me who couldn't hang" He said,"So you need to spend every weekend with me? Not sure what you're asking for." I said,"No reason, I had other plans last weekend after all."

It seems strange to me. He's writing casenotes all weekend long, nonstop? Really? And saying weekends with me haven't been "convenient"? Is this the beginning of the end, or what?

[BlackbirdSong]

Yes, he's starting to check out of the relationship. If a person wants to really be with you, no matter how "busy" their lives are, they will make time.

[lana-banana]

He may not be checking out, but he clearly has no intention of making this relationship any more serious than it is right now. This is the most you're going to get from him emotionally. If you're okay with that, then great. Otherwise you need to move on.

[Zapbasket]

He could be checking out, OR he could be simply pulling back a bit to reevaluate how he feels about the relationship and how much commitment and effort on it he wants to expend. The only way to find out what's really going on at this point is for you to pull back, as well, and watch how he reacts. Let him initiate all calls and dates. When he contacts you, only respond with as much (or little) as he puts out. If he begins to reach out to you with more ardency, then he's still very much into you and the relationship. But if he goes silent or acts too laissez-faire about dates and connecting with you, then that's a pretty good indication that he's not as into you as he claims. Remember, you're not playing games in pulling back, you're simply setting a scenario where his ACTIONS speak, not his words.

 

If you find his actions to be ambivalent, then calmly approach him with your observations. If he doesn't have a convincing explanation and follow it up with renewed vigor and ardor toward spending time with you, then you need to bail if what you want is an intimate, committed relationship.

 

I feel for you; this kind of thing where you don't know where you stand really sucks. I think one mistake women especially make is to become anxious in these situations and needy towards their partner, when they really need to step back. It's hard to do when you are really into the relationship. But, you must remember that you, too, deserve nothing less than that keen interested reciprocated.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 29, 2015 by GreenCove