spiderowl Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 (edited) I think I need an outside perspective on this one. Brief summary, met guy some years ago, time not right (on my part) and we didn't meet again. He got in touch recently and we've been chatting on phone and texting regularly. He wanted to meet (and I did too), but that fell through. He had a good excuse but I was not sure at the time whether it was real or not. About a week after that he told me he 'didn't want a relationship'. Given that we hadn't met a second time, this was a bit premature and I felt very hurt that he was presuming I did and that he was so blunt. I know he was under pressure at the time changing jobs and home at the same time, but I took him seriously. He still wanted to keep in touch as before but I still felt hurt so I cut off contact. Lack of contact lasted about four days then I talked to a friend and said I felt guilty about this because (for reasons I won't go into here) I did feel he needed a good friend. She was more optimistic about relationships generally than me and I decided that I could be a friend to him and got in touch again. We've chatted since and he suggested I take him to an event next week (somewhere I often go). Rather doubtfully, I said could do - and it's somewhere open to the public so he has the choice of going whether I want him to or not - but I don't know what to make of this. He's still on an online dating site but then I know because so am I, so I can hardly complain. Problem is, I have no idea what this guy wants now. I don't feel he was suggesting a date but then why would he want to come along to the event with me? Also, I don't think I'd trust him to turn up. He did turn up when we met years ago and I know he could do, no problem, but I feel his behaviour with me has become erratic compared with at first when he was phoning me almost every day. I sense an element of disrespect creeping into this somewhere. There are other issues and I don't know how much bearing these have on what's happened. Mostly, he has initiated contact. This was because he had a phone contract and I don't. It costs a fortune for me phone him. He didn't seem to mind. I'm so paranoid that a guy might not like me though that if he doesn't contact me or leaves it for a while, I assume he's not interested so I become a bit brief and non-commital. I am also so wary that I can't relax and be fun because I just don't know where this guy is coming from. I'm very guarded. I have had this kind of difficulty before, lack of trust, and I do think it has eroded relationships before where the guy has not felt his keenness has been reciprocated. However, I don't want to misinterpret this if he is just not interested. What I'm wondering is how much my reticence has contributed to the change as he seemed pretty interested at first, though he wasn't what I'd call flirtatious. Would a guy go to such trouble if he was just interested in being a friend? He asks me if I've had any dates - why? What's it to him anyway? Why is he inviting himself along into my social life? Honestly, I just don't get this. I wonder whether to go back to not contacting him or be patient and see if meeting him clarifies anything. I don't want to be messed about. It does feel very unbalanced at the moment as I would have been interested in seeing where it goes but he put a damper on that. Could I be just friends? I think so, if I knew for sure, but I feel confused. This is why I need an outside perspective, thanks. I do think people on here are absolutely brilliant at helping people to look at their situation in a different way! Sometimes we all need that. Edited March 29, 2015 by spiderowl
Gloria25 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Just curious, is this the same guy you posted about in a similar thread? I mean, if you've known him for a while and now looks like he has romantic interest, I don't see anything wrong in just "feeling him out". Yes, him still being online might make you wonder why is he asking you out, but IMO, until you two actually start "dating" - which one day may turn into a romantic and an "exclusive" RL, he has every right to stay online. I say go out with him, don't get naked and just see where it goes. Don't stress
Author spiderowl Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks Gloria, your input is much appreciated. Yes, it is the same guy. He was not asking me out on a romantic date, just suggesting I took him along to an event I go to. He is the same guy who said he did not want a relationship! I'm stressing because I don't know what he wants and I can tell when I speak to him that talking about his feelings is not his strong point. I just don't want to be messed around and I fear this is going to turn into something erratic that suits him and not me.
Gloria25 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks Gloria, your input is much appreciated. Yes, it is the same guy. He was not asking me out on a romantic date, just suggesting I took him along to an event I go to. He is the same guy who said he did not want a relationship! I'm stressing because I don't know what he wants and I can tell when I speak to him that talking about his feelings is not his strong point. I just don't want to be messed around and I fear this is going to turn into something erratic that suits him and not me. Well, I say take him along, but don't put that much interest into it... If he keeps on asking to 'tag along' on stuff, keeps on calling/txting/email/etc on the regular...then maybe at that point it's time to "call the meeting to order" and ask him why he spending so much time with you cuz you would like to take it to another level. If he still is like "I'm not interested" then maybe you should let him know that you wanna be spending that much time with someone you have romantic interest with and that he's taking up too much of your time...then let him go. I mean, I'm not sure if he's just passing time with you while he seeks online who he really wants to be with; if he just likes attention; or, if he finally just wants to take the time to get to know you. So, it's up to you. If you can allow him to tag along w/o getting hurt/tangled in emotions, then feel him out, let him go with you.
Author spiderowl Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks, makes sense for sure. It is confusing - I mean guys don't usually go out of their way to be friends like this. I wouldn't insist on a romantic relationship, just want to know where I stand. Usually it's me who is evading the 'more-than-friendship' scenario, but then I wouldn't ask a guy to take me anywhere if I thought he might see it as romantic.
Author spiderowl Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 (edited) I am slowly coming to the conclusion this guy is setting me up for a mess. He didn't respond to two messages I sent him, which I felt was the final straw. I basically said goodbye by text (again!). I did not expect to hear from him again and it was a really difficult thing for me to do. Well, Einstein would have been amazed at the speed that text travelled because he was on the phone within about 30 seconds! Some problem with his phone power last night meant he had to get it fixed this morning. He was full of apologies and when I said there wasn't any point staying in touch as he wasn't interested, he said 'You're wrong'. Like a fool I believed him because he'd gone to this trouble. I sincerely did not expect any more contact as I thought I'd made that clear. He said he'd phone later. So now it's later and he hasn't phoned! Unless he meant tomorrow (and I didn't get that impression), he's just messing with my head. I don't know what to do now. I could go no contact but that would mean ignoring any future phone calls which feels terribly rude. I suspect he'll text me in the morning and say he fell asleep - then what do I do - believe him? I don't think I could. I don't feel I have any option now; I've just got to ignore him. The guy obviously has some problem and I don't trust him any more. I feel incredibly sad that this has happened because I don't want to cut this guy off and he does need a good friend, but I can't cope with the emotional rollercoaster than seems to be a part of maintaining contact. Why on earth would someone behave like this? Edited March 29, 2015 by spiderowl
unready Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I am slowly coming to the conclusion this guy is setting me up for a mess. He didn't respond to two messages I sent him, which I felt was the final straw. I basically said goodbye by text (again!). I did not expect to hear from him again and it was a really difficult thing for me to do. Well, Einstein would have been amazed at the speed that text travelled because he was on the phone within about 30 seconds! Some problem with his phone power last night meant he had to get it fixed this morning. He was full of apologies and when I said there wasn't any point staying in touch as he wasn't interested, he said 'You're wrong'. Like a fool I believed him because he'd gone to this trouble. I sincerely did not expect any more contact as I thought I'd made that clear. He said he'd phone later. So now it's later and he hasn't phoned! Unless he meant tomorrow (and I didn't get that impression), he's just messing with my head. I don't know what to do now. I could go no contact but that would mean ignoring any future phone calls which feels terribly rude. I suspect he'll text me in the morning and say he fell asleep - then what do I do - believe him? I don't think I could. I don't feel I have any option now; I've just got to ignore him. The guy obviously has some problem and I don't trust him any more. I feel incredibly sad that this has happened because I don't want to cut this guy off and he does need a good friend, but I can't cope with the emotional rollercoaster than seems to be a part of maintaining contact. Why on earth would someone behave like this? Don't doubt yourself. Block him.
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