thebrightsun Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Hello! This is my first post. I'm really looking for some help and advice. I'm trying to figure out if what I'm thinking of doing is the "right" thing to do, and if it's healthy. I'm at a point in life where I want to get married and want to have a healthy relationship mindset. I'm in my early 30s. Here's the situation: - I've been dating "Kate" for 3 years. She wants to get married. I love her, but don't think I've really been 'in love' with her, in that passionate, romantic sort of way. It started as a fling that eventually continued. I didn't see her initially as someone I wanted to marry, but I stayed with her because I thought she was a nice person. We have a good friendship and I care about her. **Though not married, I feel like I have an implicit commitment to her due to the amount of time we've dated. I could marry Kate and we'd have a good relationship and life together. - Right before I met Kate, I dated "Beth" for 3 months. Beth was in a different place than me and wanted to get married at the time, but I didn't. We went separate ways but I have continued to think of Beth often. I was really crazy about her in a way I have not been about another woman. She made me feel confident, masculine, calm... I felt satisfied, at least over the 3 months. - I ran into Beth last night for the first time in 3 yrs and had impromptu drinks with her. Told her I had a g/f that I was "about to break up with" and was honest that I still had feelings for her. She reciprocated the feeling and is interested in trying a real relationship with me now that I'm more serious. Kate is a great girl and I care for her. But I feel passionate about Beth in a unique way. If there is a "the one", she might be it. I hate to break up with Kate where we have a good relationship, just to follow some random passion. Am I being juvenile here? Is the MATURE thing for me to follow my commitment to Kate and continue a stable relationship, or is the mature thing to pursue Beth? Is this maybe just a "quarter life crisis"? Please opine -- I'm confused about where to place my moral compass!
TigerCub Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 There is nothing wrong with trying to go after a relationship you want. HOWEVER, there is something wrong with saying you're 'about to break up' with her and she has no f** clue! If you want to break up with her, maybe you should let her in on this grand plan of yours instead of wasting more years of her life. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) There is nothing wrong with trying to go after a relationship you want. HOWEVER, there is something wrong with saying you're 'about to break up' with her and she has no f** clue! If you want to break up with her, maybe you should let her in on this grand plan of yours instead of wasting more years of her life. Yeah you probably stayed with Kate 33 more months than you should have. By month three you were probably clued in on the fact that it was more about convenience than passion and should have ended it then. The fact that you stayed with her just to be nice and wasted three years of her life is pretty messed up. What you need to do is break up with her regardless. Obviously since you could replace her at the drop of a hat, you're not really into her. So do the right thing. Break up with Kate regardless of what happens. Let her be with someone who is passionate about her. Just don't stay with Kate and have an affair with Beth. Edited March 28, 2015 by fitnessfan365
preraph Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 You don't know Beth very well, having only been with her for 3 months. And it alarms me that she was ready to get married after what most people would consider they were barely scratching the surface of getting to know someone. My guess is if you had been dating Beth for a year, you wouldn't be as starry eyed about her either because once you get to know someone, the glinting off their shiny edges dulls a bit. So it sounds to me like Beth just wants someone to marry her right this minute, and that seems very immature and more like someone who just wants to have a wedding and be the center of attention and less like someone who's making good responsible decisions. So if I were you I would let her know you'd have to be dating someone at least a year or so before you'd marry them.
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