Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Mlaz, it sounds like you've made some progress then towards your goals, if a well-playing job and a nice car is what you have been seeking. Emotionally-speaking though, it seems you have work to do to get you beyond this slump of having this doubtful perspective on relationships and the fear that you will suffer to the extreme that you did after the breakup with your ex. That's why I mentioned therapy might be helpful. Do you workout? Have friends? What are your other relationships like? Are you happy on the whole? What is holding you back do you think? It's hard to really give well-rounded advice without knowing the full story. Just given the bits and pieces you've offered though, I think you delving into your emotional health might be a starting point, since it has been quite some time since the breakup and you are still attached in a way. You say 4.5 yrs ago right? How long were you and the ex together? I don't have many friends since I don't like drinking/clubs. We were together for 4 years. New each other since we we 8 years old. I stopped working out as I lost a lot of weight. What's holding me back is I don't believe in relationships/love anymore and I don't wanna go through hell again. Although the last 3 years or so have been lonely and not so great, they aren't as bad as going through the BU...therapy may help but I can't afford!
dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I don't have many friends since I don't like drinking/clubs. We were together for 4 years. New each other since we we 8 years old. I stopped working out as I lost a lot of weight. What's holding me back is I don't believe in relationships/love anymore and I don't wanna go through hell again. Although the last 3 years or so have been lonely and not so great, they aren't as bad as going through the BU...therapy may help but I can't afford! Well it sounds like you have an extensive history with her, given that you knew each other from such a young age, and were together for so long. However, you will get through this. I think you just need to give it more time. What about lifting weights? Joining a club or doing some activities to make friends? You don't have to do the club/bar scene. Meetup dot com is a place to start. They have plenty of activities to meet people and expand your social network. As for exercising, why not take walks and/or lift weights? You also might consider keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Look, I can understand why you're not fully healed. These things take time. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Well it sounds like you have an extensive history with her, given that you knew each other from such a young age, and were together for so long. However, you will get through this. I think you just need to give it more time. What about lifting weights? Joining a club or doing some activities to make friends? You don't have to do the club/bar scene. Meetup dot com is a place to start. They have plenty of activities to meet people and expand your social network. As for exercising, why not take walks and/or lift weights? You also might consider keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Look, I can understand why you're not fully healed. These things take time. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Yeah we had a big history together, which makes me wonder all the more how she could do what she did to me. But it just goes to show that love is BS. My cousin cheated on his gf Like 5 times and she keeps taking him back LOL. I treated my gf good and loved her more than humanly possible and this is what I got. I will never under women and their logic. I don't have the energy to working out or lift weights anymore. The main place to meet people my age is clubs and bars. That's what people do...
TunaCat Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I don't have many friends since I don't like drinking/clubs. We were together for 4 years. New each other since we we 8 years old. I stopped working out as I lost a lot of weight. What's holding me back is I don't believe in relationships/love anymore and I don't wanna go through hell again. Although the last 3 years or so have been lonely and not so great, they aren't as bad as going through the BU...therapy may help but I can't afford! Wow, are you SURE you aren't me? I have such an extensive history with my ex. We've known each other since he was 8 and I was 10. So having him break up with me out of the blue was such a shock. I believe that love is out there. I will find it. You will find it. You just aren't ready, and that's okay.
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Wow, are you SURE you aren't me? I have such an extensive history with my ex. We've known each other since he was 8 and I was 10. So having him break up with me out of the blue was such a shock. I believe that love is out there. I will find it. You will find it. You just aren't ready, and that's okay. Yeah same here, she dumped me outta nowhere...well maybe some day I'll believe in it again.....
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Yeah same here, she dumped me outta nowhere...well maybe some day I'll believe in it again..... Mlaz, I think you definitely will, if you give it more time, and focus your energy on making your life more well-rounded and full. It took me several yrs to get over my first real relationship in college, and that relationship was only about 2 yrs in length, so given that yours was 4 yrs in length + you knew each other for so long, and given the manner in which she left, I can see why even at the 4.5 yr mark, you're still affected. I think once you reach the point of acceptance and meet the right person, you will recall the memories of your ex without the remnants of so much lingering pain. That's the hump you must overcome at this point, and I think the best way would be to work on yourself emotionally, by confronting your feelings, connecting with others, and getting more active in areas other than just your job. You'll be okay.
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Mlaz, I think you definitely will, if you give it more time, and focus your energy on making your life more well-rounded and full. It took me several yrs to get over my first real relationship in college, and that relationship was only about 2 yrs in length, so given that yours was 4 yrs in length + you knew each other for so long, and given the manner in which she left, I can see why even at the 4.5 yr mark, you're still affected. I think once you reach the point of acceptance and meet the right person, you will recall the memories of your ex without the remnants of so much lingering pain. That's the hump you must overcome at this point, and I think the best way would be to work on yourself emotionally, by confronting your feelings, connecting with others, and getting more active in areas other than just your job. You'll be okay. Yeah people keep saying that "Time heals all wounds" or "give it more time" yet plenty of time has passed. I think I'm going to die alone haha!
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 Yeah people keep saying that "Time heals all wounds" or "give it more time" yet plenty of time has passed. I think I'm going to die alone haha! Well, I understand your thinking, but honestly, you have to cut yourself a bit of slack here. You knew the woman since she was 8. You dated for 4 years. That's a long time. Everyone's heart heals at a different rate too. While it would be nice to wave a magic wand and be healed, that's not how it works. You're still young. I get worried too sometimes about the future, but I also feel waves of hope and positivity too. You have to have faith it will get better. Try not to be so black and white in your thinking. Also, for the record, you deserve better than someone who lies to you consistently. This is not someone deserving of your time and energy. You need to at some point recognize her flaws as being deal breakers, if what she did was irreparable. I don't know the full story, so I don't know, but you did mention she lied to a ridiculous extent, so it seems like things weren't all peachy keen with her, and you need to challenge your idealized view of her. If people get divorced after 20 yrs together and survive, and have new relationships, you can do it too. Just take it day by day, and keep working on yourself, and try not to be a defeatist.
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Well, I understand your thinking, but honestly, you have to cut yourself a bit of slack here. You knew the woman since she was 8. You dated for 4 years. That's a long time. Everyone's heart heals at a different rate too. While it would be nice to wave a magic wand and be healed, that's not how it works. You're still young. I get worried too sometimes about the future, but I also feel waves of hope and positivity too. You have to have faith it will get better. Try not to be so black and white in your thinking. Also, for the record, you deserve better than someone who lies to you consistently. This is not someone deserving of your time and energy. You need to at some point recognize her flaws as being deal breakers, if what she did was irreparable. I don't know the full story, so I don't know, but you did mention she lied to a ridiculous extent, so it seems like things weren't all peachy keen with her, and you need to challenge your idealized view of her. If people get divorced after 20 yrs together and survive, and have new relationships, you can do it too. Just take it day by day, and keep working on yourself, and try not to be a defeatist. Well the lying was after the break up. A month went by with NC and then she messaged me because "some friends said they hadn't heard Or seen me In awhile and she was worried" LOL. Then she tells me she misses me and all these other lies and whatnot...then says we can get back together and give it another shot if I can finish getting me GED and find a job. So months go by of her stringing me along and I struggle but get my GED and UPS(where I'm now a manager) calls and gives me a start date. So I tell her this and she says "I'm so proud of you, let's go eat this Friday to celebrate" so I'm excited feeling like everything is going to work out! 2 days later she sends me the bombshell text (she couldn't do it in person) that's she's been seeing another guy for months now! My heart fell into my stomach and I had a chill run through my entire body that I had never felt before. I was totally shocked! I started saying how could you do this to me, why would you lie blah blah blah. She says "I felt bad that you were taking it so hard" so I said so you decided to message me and give me false hope and break my heart again?? So she says "you're being ridiculous" and to "never contact her again"
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 So now anytime I think of the possibility of a new relationship, the memory of me looking down at my phone that moring to her text and the heart sinking feeling just pops into my head...
DatingDirection Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 So I went through a really HARD breakup 4 1/2 years ago. My ex lied to me to a ridiculous extent! I vowed to never date again and whatnot, but I met a girl about 5 months ago...we started talking and getting to know each other. It kind of happened on accident... Anyways I liked her, she liked me. But it was getting more serious...we had a small disagreement and I got pretty mad at her. It wasn't anything big but after that I just pretty much ending things. (I got scared of how serious it was getting and looked for an easy exit I guess) I told her this is a bad idea and crap, but I really believed it too! I don't think I will ever be able to date again thanks to my ex. I just keep thinking about how much I loved her (my ex) and how she ending things so suddenly and devasted me. Now I don't wanna give any other girl the power/chance to do the same. I feel bad that I hurt this girls feelings. I don't know what I'm asking here, I guess I just needed to vent...? I just know I'm not happy, and I don't know what to do anymore! I use to think this way too, after my ex boyfriend and I broke up. I thought I never wanted another boyfriend again - ever! I still fluxuate between feeling as though im ready to love another person, and receive love back, and then go back to the I don't want to be with anyone, and only love myself state of mind. However, I find that when im truly happy with in myself, and I can see clearly, why my ex boyfriend and I aren't together anymore, it just makes me have a clearer picture of what I need in my next boyfriend. That, and the fact that life is ment to be shared with someone, and when I get older, I want a son or daughter around to care for me, keep me company, when im 80. Really, you sound like a deep person who has a lot of love to give, why be selfish, share that with someone, and who knows maybe this time around, that someone will deserve your love, and she will be your reflection.
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 (edited) Mlaz, what she did was awful and inexcusable and cruel. It boggles my mind how people can treat others this way and never recognize the error of their ways. I also remember vividly the dramatic final scene involving my 'first love' ex and I and even though nearly a decade has passed, when I was talking to my mom about it a few weeks ago, I actually started to tear up, which was unexpected. He treated me like dirt in the end too, and acted like it was nothing, like he owed no apology. That was a lesson in that people who you trust can run right over that trust and not care how it affects you, then, or in the long run. The thing is, with time, I've gotten stronger and have realized that I'm so much better off without someone like that ex, and you will realize this too. Someone who could lead you on like that and string you along and then be so inconsiderate of your feelings... all I can say is you've done right by yourself by respecting yourself enough to walk away and not look back. Sure, the residual impact is there. That's to be expected. However, it's not your fault. You can't predict how people will act. You can't control how they treat you. However, if they mistreat you, it's on them, not you. Again, and it bears repeating: it is not your fault. Another thing: not all women are like this. It sounds a bit like you keep revisiting that painful moment of when she dropped that bomb on you, when you need to let it go, for yourself. You deserve happiness. Don't let her ruin life for you. She is not worth it. At all. Like datingdirection states above, you sound like you have a deep capacity to love. The fact that you are so sensitive and deep is an asset to the world, and you deserve mutual consideration. Consider your ex a lesson in life. Look, sh/t happens. Good people get sh/t on in life all the time. I've seen it with friends and family. I've had it happen to me. This is the way of the world. However, you can overcome your past hurts and struggles if you actively work on moving past them, and onto better things. What your ex did was unkind and cruel, but it's over now. You don't have to keep reliving that experience. You can choose to fight through it. You will get through this... like I said before, you are young, you have time. Trust me, you will. Edited March 29, 2015 by dyna85
DatingDirection Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 You have no idea how much harder it is for younger guys! I don't know if you've walked out the door lately, but have you seen this generation growing up now? Girls don't like guys like me. They like *******s and losers! My ex left me for a gangbanger that sells drugs for a living LOL!!! She was my dream girl, and there will never be someone close to her! Girls like douchebags and cheaters! And I am neither. Therefore will always come second to those guys! Ah...wrong! I'm close to your age, and I would never date a gangbanger, or someone that did drugs or sells drugs...omg! Maybe change who you hang out with, and stop attracting women that like these types of men. Ew, I sure as hell know that I don't like those types of men. I love a good boy next door. 1
youngpistol Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 MLAZ1990, Blackbird is just trying to help and you seem to have an answer for everything against what he says. I am 24 like you and going thru the same things man but I am happy because I learned life can always be worse. A person who wants to be happy will be happy. It's really boils down to that after how much you go through man. You are from CHIRAQ , u know things could be worse. This new girl seems like the real deal, give it a try, u talk about how girls are these days in this generation... is this "new girl" anything like that?! if she isn't then what are you waiting for? You've let your ex win for 4 1/2 years and now its your turn... Jordan didn't win his first title until his 7th year in the league so it's not too late! Lets go MLAZ be happy man!
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Ah...wrong! I'm close to your age, and I would never date a gangbanger, or someone that did drugs or sells drugs...omg! Maybe change who you hang out with, and stop attracting women that like these types of men. Ew, I sure as hell know that I don't like those types of men. I love a good boy next door. I didn't say all girls like that type of guy, but the percent that does like the bad boy/thuggish kind of guy is pretty high!
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 MLAZ1990, Blackbird is just trying to help and you seem to have an answer for everything against what he says. I am 24 like you and going thru the same things man but I am happy because I learned life can always be worse. A person who wants to be happy will be happy. It's really boils down to that after how much you go through man. You are from CHIRAQ , u know things could be worse. This new girl seems like the real deal, give it a try, u talk about how girls are these days in this generation... is this "new girl" anything like that?! if she isn't then what are you waiting for? You've let your ex win for 4 1/2 years and now its your turn... Jordan didn't win his first title until his 7th year in the league so it's not too late! Lets go MLAZ be happy man! The new girl is pretty amazing. But I don't wanna go through a bad break up again. Yeah I need to get over it, but it sucked! Chances are this new girl will not be the girl I marry, so there will just be more pain from another break up!
youngpistol Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 can't help you man. Pain and brokeness is where growth happens, what we tell you goes through one ear and out the other with an excuse. Good luck though.
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 can't help you man. Pain and brokeness is where growth happens, what we tell you goes through one ear and out the other with an excuse. Good luck though. Lol alright!
BlackbirdSong Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 You are from CHIRAQ LMAO, my students refer to Chicago as CHIRAQ. Reading this had me dying. Thanks for the late-nite laugh...hahahahaha 2
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