dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Is it unreasonable to expect a guy to call rather than text when initiating conversation off of an online dating site? I'm really getting annoyed with this preferred means of communication for many guys out there. It's so lame to me and I'm at the point where I'm making decisions based on what the guy does when he gets my number. If he texts me first, I'm already a tad annoyed. I talked to close friends about it and they said I should tell the guy it's my preference not to text. So I took this approach with the most recent guy. The result was the same - he still chose to text. Smart move, no? Is this a bad approach? Could I be missing out on men who start out via text and then progress to the phone? It seems like nearly EVERY guy texts rather than calls nowadays. This is the big dilemma. It makes me wonder if there are any guys who would call first. I just don't want to get into a situation like the one I got out of recently where the guy started out via text and continued to communicate via text, even as I thought we were growing closer. When I asked him to call, he would, but I had to keep asking, and it got old, very fast. It just serves as a major let-down to realize, after thinking something is developing, that the person is extremely emotional immature and cannot communicate. Therefore, it feels like ruling him out from the get-go when he texts first rather than calls saves me the future disappointment of recognizing that the guy has communication/emotional issues. Any thoughts/input on this?
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Haha.. Now I know why every woman I talk to on the phone makes such a big deal out of the fact that I called. I'm personally with you. Why would I want to meet a woman in person when I've never even heard her voice or gotten a gauge on her personality? Awhile back there was this one woman who was smoking hot with a great profile and similar interests. So I sent her one text so she'd have my number, and when she responded I asked her when she was free to talk on the phone. We set up a time. Called her and within 5 minutes I knew she wasn't my type personality wise. Loud, blunt, in your face, and she NEVER shut up. It was like listening to an endless tape loop. So after ten minutes of this, I said it was nice chatting and hung up without making plans. Better to find out in ten minutes on the phone than waste 1-2 hrs meeting in person.
carhill Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I see it more as style differences. IMO, it's healthy to communicate one's style preference. As example, if you prefer a man call you, when he texts 'bla, bla, bla', simply text back 'call me'. This indicates that you are available for a phone call and prefer it. If he chooses to ignore that, the response indicates two areas: One, he ignores what can be construed as a reasonable request and, two, he may have an incompatible communication preference. As people often text when circumstances prevent them from talking, a compromise response could be, from him : 'Cool, I'll call you later', then he does that. To me, that would indicate him hearing your request, processing it and moving to communicate when practical for him. Since we can't control what other people do, I'd focus in on my own response. Do I want to facilitate growing this interaction or do I want to feel 'right'? Each action is a choice. 1
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Its more of save route to introduce himself, with texting u can think a little bit longer, but yes it shows a little lack of confident. I personal call a woman so i hear their tone of the voices and its more personal.
Author dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Haha.. Now I know why every woman I talk to on the phone makes such a big deal out of the fact that I called. I'm personally with you. Why would I want to meet a woman in person when I've never even heard her voice or gotten a gauge on her personality? Awhile back there was this one woman who was smoking hot with a great profile and similar interests. So I sent her one text so she'd have my number, and when she responded I asked her when she was free to talk on the phone. We set up a time. Called her and within 5 minutes I knew she wasn't my type personality wise. Loud, blunt, in your face, and she NEVER shut up. It was like listening to an endless tape loop. So after ten minutes of this, I said it was nice chatting and hung up without making plans. Better to find out in ten minutes on the phone than waste 1-2 hrs meeting in person. Omg, this is exactly how I feel. Why can't I find a guy like you who is compatible with this mindset? It's such a time-saver because yes, you can definitely gauge through verbal conversation if the person is even a possibility. You get a feel for their personality this way for sure. Ughhh. I just wish all guys were like you in this regard. I'm struggling to find just one with this same mentality!
deathandtaxes Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I think people were grumbling about others not writing letters when the telephone was making rounds. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Omg, this is exactly how I feel. Why can't I find a guy like you who is compatible with this mindset? It's such a time-saver because yes, you can definitely gauge through verbal conversation if the person is even a possibility. You get a feel for their personality this way for sure. Ughhh. I just wish all guys were like you in this regard. I'm struggling to find just one with this same mentality! 1) A lot of guys online tend to be socially awkward and don't have real life dating experience. That's why they use online dating. So talking on the phone is a bit like approaching a woman in that regard. Texting allows them to work up the nerve. 2) It also depends on background. Growing up, I never texted. My mom gave me an old Nokia flip phone in high school as a gift. Turned off texting to save money. Since I never had any reason to replace it, my only way of communicating was on the phone or in person. Finally a few years ago, my folks gave me an I-Phone 4 as a gag gift. The AT&T store was giving them away for $5 if you signed up for a certain plan. So that was the first time I sent a text in my life.
Author dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 I see it more as style differences. IMO, it's healthy to communicate one's style preference. As example, if you prefer a man call you, when he texts 'bla, bla, bla', simply text back 'call me'. This indicates that you are available for a phone call and prefer it. If he chooses to ignore that, the response indicates two areas: One, he ignores what can be construed as a reasonable request and, two, he may have an incompatible communication preference. As people often text when circumstances prevent them from talking, a compromise response could be, from him : 'Cool, I'll call you later', then he does that. To me, that would indicate him hearing your request, processing it and moving to communicate when practical for him. Since we can't control what other people do, I'd focus in on my own response. Do I want to facilitate growing this interaction or do I want to feel 'right'? Each action is a choice. I really like these ideas, so thank you carhill. I also appreciate your last line so much. I feel like with this current guy, I'm just going to ignore the latest text because he clearly disregarded the fact that I initially told him that I didn't like having conversation via text, so who am I to belabor the point or bring it up again? It just doesn't feel right to have to reiterate my preference in this instance. So, going along with your last line, it doesn't feel right and I don't want to facilitate growing this current interaction, so I'm choosing to move on accordingly.
preraph Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I think some guys who aren't really comfortable with themselves see it as the lesser risk way of communicating. I don't see how anyone ever forms a real relationship just texting all the time. It's so meaningless and easy to misinterpret. I think it's a big red flag if someone doesn't want to talk to you on the phone or have a real conversation in person.
Author dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Its more of save route to introduce himself, with texting u can think a little bit longer, but yes it shows a little lack of confident. I personal call a woman so i hear their tone of the voices and its more personal. Well, the safe route won't win my heart, but I agree.
Mrin Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Hmmm I always went texting before calling with OLD. I consider it to be polite. But would switch to phone pretty soon after.
Author dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 1) A lot of guys online tend to be socially awkward and don't have real life dating experience. That's why they use online dating. So talking on the phone is a bit like approaching a woman in that regard. Texting allows them to work up the nerve. 2) It also depends on background. Growing up, I never texted. My mom gave me an old Nokia flip phone in high school as a gift. Turned off texting to save money. Since I never had any reason to replace it, my only way of communicating was on the phone or in person. Finally a few years ago, my folks gave me an I-Phone 4 as a gag gift. The AT&T store was giving them away for $5 if you signed up for a certain plan. So that was the first time I sent a text in my life. As to your first point, I do see your point with this and it is unfortunate that this is the case. Then again, would I not be considered socially awkward since I'm also doing the online dating thing? Oh well. As for your second point, I'm similar in that I never texted in school. I actually had my texting turned off to save money too. Then, I got a phone that had texting at a reasonable cost, yrs later. Never realized texting would becoming the annoying way of the world like it is today. I don't mind texting, as long as the person I'm texting doesn't solely text me. It gets extremely frustrating and to the point that I check out, when it's the sole form of communication. I can't take that. It just feels so impersonal, as someone above mentioned.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 As to your first point, I do see your point with this and it is unfortunate that this is the case. Then again, would I not be considered socially awkward since I'm also doing the online dating thing? Oh well. As for your second point, I'm similar in that I never texted in school. I actually had my texting turned off to save money too. Then, I got a phone that had texting at a reasonable cost, yrs later. Never realized texting would becoming the annoying way of the world like it is today. I don't mind texting, as long as the person I'm texting doesn't solely text me. It gets extremely frustrating and to the point that I check out, when it's the sole form of communication. I can't take that. It just feels so impersonal, as someone above mentioned. Doing online dating doesn't automatically make you socially awkward. The fact that you want to talk on the phone makes it seem like you communicate well. In my mind, a socially awkward "nice guy" would be one that never approached a single woman in real life ever and uses online dating as the sole way to meet women. I personally just use texting for fun flirty banter and logistics. Any actual conversations I save for in person or over the phone. I always crack up when I read about people sharing feelings over texts, or having in depth conversations. Hell, one of the women I train said that her and her BF said "I love you" for the first time over text message. I gave her crap about that. In my opinion, that's something you say face to face the first time.
Kamila Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I think it's because guys need an excuse to call and keep the conversation going. Through texting it's less creepy. But the level of interest is still there in a way ...
SELdeMER Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I am dealing with this too. One guy I went on several dates with only texted me...for three months...granted, he was usually at work when he texted so having a phone chat would have been difficult, but it was weird..but then, I let it happen too. I would have preferred a call instead because I find it too easy for people to be impolite when texting because it's not like a real conversation. for example, this guy never once wrote "hey how are you?" or "how was your weekend" to start a conversation, I would always ask him though. And he never "ended" a convo either (like I would) by saying "hey I gotta run, bye" or "I have XYZ to do let's chat later, bye" etc...instead he would just stop responding, and it would really catch me off guard. Sometimes days would go by and I wasn't sure if I should contact him because he had disappeared from the previous convo. With texting it's just so easy to get distracted and then "forget" to respond, or because it's so casual I guess people think that basic conversational etiquette does not apply. Anyway, I have a few guys right now that I met on OLD and they have given there numbers asking me to text them. I will, to say hi and maybe exchange a few texts to set up a date, but I will tell them that I am not a big texter and prefer to have "get to know you" chats on the phone and then in person.
stillafool Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I would think the reason they text instead of call is to not waste much of their time. They know if they call the conversation is going to last alot longer than a text and they don't want to invest the time.
Male Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I love talking on the phone! But to be honest I find it very difficult finding women that feel the same. And surprisingly these are women in their 40's! They used to talk on the phone years ago, so I dont understand why they dont anymore.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I would think the reason they text instead of call is to not waste much of their time. They know if they call the conversation is going to last alot longer than a text and they don't want to invest the time. Haha.. I have absolutely no problem ending the conversation saying I have to run. Just have a goal in mind when you call that you'll only talk for 10-15 mins tops and then get off the phone.
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 If you are not a big text person, in response to the text you receive, call back. say that you are not fond of testing except for certain I'm late / pick up milk quick things. Hopefully the person will get the message & call. You have have to do this a few times.
Author dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 I am dealing with this too. One guy I went on several dates with only texted me...for three months...granted, he was usually at work when he texted so having a phone chat would have been difficult, but it was weird..but then, I let it happen too. I would have preferred a call instead because I find it too easy for people to be impolite when texting because it's not like a real conversation. for example, this guy never once wrote "hey how are you?" or "how was your weekend" to start a conversation, I would always ask him though. And he never "ended" a convo either (like I would) by saying "hey I gotta run, bye" or "I have XYZ to do let's chat later, bye" etc...instead he would just stop responding, and it would really catch me off guard. Sometimes days would go by and I wasn't sure if I should contact him because he had disappeared from the previous convo. With texting it's just so easy to get distracted and then "forget" to respond, or because it's so casual I guess people think that basic conversational etiquette does not apply. Anyway, I have a few guys right now that I met on OLD and they have given there numbers asking me to text them. I will, to say hi and maybe exchange a few texts to set up a date, but I will tell them that I am not a big texter and prefer to have "get to know you" chats on the phone and then in person. Okay, so I totally feel you girl. I went through this exact same scenario, with the guy texting me, and then I would respond, and then he'd just disappear for hours/days. It was so weird. Even more strange is the fact that we seemed to have a strong connection in person, yet it just couldn't progress or further develop, because I couldn't get past this communication disconnect. As for your last paragraph, I definitely wouldn't text/call a guy first. Heck no, that will never happen. That's a guy's responsibility. I always laugh when a guy is like 'here is my number, if you ever want to call,' or 'you could call me if you like.' Those lines are totally pathetic to me. Honestly, I think if they don't heed the 'I am not a big texter' notice from the beginning, they are demonstrating they are not worthy of the time/energy. I'm going with my gut instinct and I don't think I'm going to go further unless it feels right and like it definitely will progress to less lame communication.
Author dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) I personally just use texting for fun flirty banter and logistics. Any actual conversations I save for in person or over the phone. I always crack up when I read about people sharing feelings over texts, or having in depth conversations. Hell, one of the women I train said that her and her BF said "I love you" for the first time over text message. I gave her crap about that. In my opinion, that's something you say face to face the first time. Okay, I definitely need to meet a guy like you, for real. You have helped give me some hope, so thank you. Yes, I have also read of in-depth convos being had over text, and actually fell into that trap with the last guy I was seeing... and I don't like that it got to that point, because it's so not me. I allowed it to become an acceptable form of communication, and I'm disappointed in myself, and it's now made it a bit confusing for me because whereas before this last person, I rarely texted, now I find that I do so more often, and I don't like that. I want to return to my hardly-ever-text ways from before I met him. Well, hopefully I come across someone like you soon. Edited March 28, 2015 by dyna85
SELdeMER Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 ^^Ya I totally get that, we also had a good connection in person too, so I was really confused with the sporadic texting. He also had a tendency too never really ask me questions about me when he texted, like he would answer my questions about how his day had been etc. but would never ask in return but on dates he would ask tons of questions, so I was usually really confused as to why his texting convo was really self-centered...and also why he even bothered to text at all if he was not interested in actually having some semblance of a normal two-way conversation....weird stuff.. I don't mind initiating contact with a guy first. I prefer it actually, because them giving me their number allows me that chance to decide if I want to take it further off the website. I am not the most traditional woman when it comes to dating.
katiegrl Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Haha.. Now I know why every woman I talk to on the phone makes such a big deal out of the fact that I called. I'm personally with you. Why would I want to meet a woman in person when I've never even heard her voice or gotten a gauge on her personality? Awhile back there was this one woman who was smoking hot with a great profile and similar interests. So I sent her one text so she'd have my number, and when she responded I asked her when she was free to talk on the phone. We set up a time. Called her and within 5 minutes I knew she wasn't my type personality wise. Loud, blunt, in your face, and she NEVER shut up. It was like listening to an endless tape loop. So after ten minutes of this, I said it was nice chatting and hung up without making plans. Better to find out in ten minutes on the phone than waste 1-2 hrs meeting in person. Lol .... ff you're brutal!! I totally understand how you feel though.....but you are so mean!!! Not really, but the poor girl....if only she knew how she came across! Feel so bad for folks like her. Probably has no idea why you didn't want to meet her.
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 As men u don't have to call for hours with a girl u just met. 10 min. is the max. If u like her voice etc then you setup a date with her. If the date is set you don't have to talk anymore and u get off the Phone. Say that u looking forward to meet up! There is no need to call her in this stage. She will call you in between maybe, but make the phonecall short and keep your self busy. The thing is you have to learn her in person not via text or Phone, keep in mind.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Lol .... ff you're brutal!! I totally understand how you feel though.....but you are so mean!!! Not really, but the poor girl....if only she knew how she came across! Feel so bad for folks like her. Probably has no idea why you didn't want to meet her. Haha.. I just keep it real Katie. In the end, I'm doing both of us a favor because neither one wants to waste time on someone who isn't interested. But it's not like I just hung up on her in mid sentence. When she took a breath and actually stopped talking, I said "It was great chatting, but I have a client soon and have to run." Then I waited for her to say bye, and I hung up not finalizing plans. 2
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