maryjaneholland Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 We broke up a week ago. We haven't spoken in four days now. I'm struggling to see how no contact works. I do have a feeling he will contact me soon. But then I've got a feeling he just doesn't care enough, feel relieved that we broke up and has ran for the hills never looking back. I've never met anyone like him. I am so attracted to him, we have amazing chemistry and it's like we had a magnetic and spiritual connection. I went out with so many men before him and whenever I'd show my true self, talk about my interests and beliefs, they'd make an excuse and leave the date asap. But we share the same spiritual and philosophical beliefs. We have the same interests. We have everything in common. I can be me around him. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, which I have to do to please most men. I'm scared that in the future I'll have to settle for someone and cover parts of myself up or put on a fake personality, and it'll be very exhausting. Things were difficult between us pretty much from the beginning. I got pregnant within the first month which devastated us both. I then miscarried a few weeks later, which devastated us both again. Since then. I've never been the same happy girl. He has intolerances to alcohol and some drugs, because he is depressed, which he says he makes him incapable of having a proper relationships. He refuses to get help for his depression. But he knows I will be there to help him get better if he took the first step and got help. I don't know what to do. I sent him a letter last week expressing all my feelings. His response was mixed. It was I want to give you a hug, I think you're beautiful etc. And either way what happens, I think we should just chill and see how we feel, I don't think we got to really know each other as well as we could have. The thing is I know how I feel, I don't think he feels the same way. We didn't get to know each other that well since I got pregnant in the first month. Towards the end, I knew which way we where going and tried to save it. I spent time and money I don't have, organising things we can do to spend quality time together but the responses I got was 'I'm too tired' or 'come here, we'll watch a movie' in which we just sit through in silence then go to bed. Before we became a couple, we'd have deep, spiritual conversations. I loved it. Then we got together, I got pregnant and everything went downhill. None of us felt like having deep conversations anymore and it prevented us from really getting to know each other. After I miscarried we just got lazy. Nevertheless, I still did fall in love with him and cared for him a lot, which he says he did too. Sorry if that was long. What can I do? I refuse to go a whole month of NC. I think it's BS. I'm thinking about leaving it another week and a half if he doesn't first.
Cailinsona Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 No one can answer that question. He may return. He may not. From the sounds of what happened between you, some time apart would be beneficial for both of you. Although you won't wish to hear that right now. You both have a lot to process and work on by yourselves. NC is the tool that will help you in that regard. It will seem impossible to achieve, but it's really not. And if you are meant to be together, as you intimate in your post, then what's the rush? For any kind of relationship to work in the future, you and he need to be ready and able to give of yourselves. That doesn't sound possible currently. So time and NC are your friends. Embrace them. You will be fine, whatever the outcome may be
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I am sorry about the loss of your child. NC is a healing tool, not a way to make somebody miss you so they come running back. You already poured your heart out to him in the letter & all he said is he wanted to give you a hug. That means he's not a cad & is capable of empathy. However, because he did not give you that hug or move to reconcile, but rather put forth well-intentioned lies about a possible future he won't be coming back. He wanted to spare your feelings, let you down gently & not be the bad guy who just dumped the woman who miscarried his baby but the idea of a future is not something he genuinely wants or expects. To get pregnant within the 1st month of knowing somebody is a HUGE life altering thing. He wasn't ready for it. You say when you got pregnant you both got lazy about the relationship. No you didn't. You were both in shock that you were about to tied to a relative stranger forever. It wasn't lazy; it was utter disbelief. Let him go. Re-educate yourself about effective birth control & move forward.
Author maryjaneholland Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 I am sorry about the loss of your child. NC is a healing tool, not a way to make somebody miss you so they come running back. You already poured your heart out to him in the letter & all he said is he wanted to give you a hug. That means he's not a cad & is capable of empathy. However, because he did not give you that hug or move to reconcile, but rather put forth well-intentioned lies about a possible future he won't be coming back. He wanted to spare your feelings, let you down gently & not be the bad guy who just dumped the woman who miscarried his baby but the idea of a future is not something he genuinely wants or expects. He did ask me to come over because 'he doesn't want me to be alone'. But I told him it's probably sensible if we didn't see each other right now, because I was following the rules of NC. I was hurt and couldn't take seeing him. But now I feel myself calming down, seeing things clearer and just want to see him to talk and work this out.
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 He did ask me to come over because 'he doesn't want me to be alone'. But I told him it's probably sensible if we didn't see each other right now, because I was following the rules of NC. I was hurt and couldn't take seeing him. But now I feel myself calming down, seeing things clearer and just want to see him to talk and work this out. Then you don't understand the rules of NC or are misapplying them. If you want to fix a relationship, you talk. If you want to heal & move forward alone, you go NC. Since you want to work it out call him.
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