acuriousman99 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) I see so many women that I want to approach but I can't bring myself to do it. I want so badly to be able to be bold and brave but I'm ugly as hell and I know they won't accept me. I'm terrified. But I see so many guys do it. How do you know she won't reject you and break you down right there? How do you know she'll accept you? And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place? Please help. Edited March 28, 2015 by acuriousman99
Buddhist Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 You don't know these things. No-one in the history of dating has ever known these things in advance. You have to take a risk. You can reduce the risk by looking for signs of mutual interest but that's all you can do. If you approach a woman who has met your eye contact and not returned interest by lingering there or smiling or looking down in a self conscious fashion, then your chances of rejection are a lot higher. Learn body language, get some sign of mutual interest then make a move. People who feel shot down or crushed usually make an approach on someone who has not shown any interest by non-verbal means. In short, they approached a target highly likely to reject them because there was no invitation to approach. 2
contact1 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place? Your issue is this very sentence right here. Women are human beings, just like you. You have insecurities and have this skewed view that you shouldn't even be talking to a woman because you are not "worthy" enough. Some call it "putting them on a pedestal" when you don't even know her, just what she looks like. You have to get in a mind frame of "What is it I want in a relationship" and "What would my partner have to do for me to want to be with them", instead of the current mind frame of "What do I have to do to get her to like me" or "Am I even good enough to talk to her". In other words, have confidence in yourself. Also, there is no way to tell if you would be rejected or not. There are many reasons you could be rejected, that have nothing to do with you directly. She may have just gotten out of a relationship, isn't interested in one, already committed, is a closest lesbian, anything really
LLostInLove Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 How do you know she won't reject you and break you down right there? How do you know she'll accept you? And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place? You've got to risk it to get the biscuit. Just remember, if one woman shuts you down there are PLENTY of other fish in the sea. I've been rejected before, it hurts, not going to lie but you learn to get over that. I know that if they dont want to get to know me, that is their loss. I have a great family, friends and job. Adding a SO to my life is just a BONUS, not a NECESSITY. I dont need others to validate me. "either you're a blessing or a lesson"- this is my dating motto. If she accepts you, great. If she doesn't, learn from it and move on. 1
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I see so many women that I want to approach but I can't bring myself to do it. I want so badly to be able to be bold and brave but I'm ugly as hell and I know they won't accept me. I'm terrified. But I see so many guys do it. How do you know she won't reject you and break you down right there? How do you know she'll accept you? And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place? Please help. Start just speaking to women, ALL women, young women, old women, women in shops, on the bus, at work, etc. Learn how to do small talk, no expectations just be friendly. Watch how they react to you, and learn from it. Once you are comfortable and relaxed just talking to strangers and they are relaxed around you, then you can progress to asking women out. If you approach women nervous and with no confidence, they will say no as you will not inspire confidence in them. Shy, scared, anxious, hesitant men asking them out, can come across as creepy to women especially if they do not know them. Cold approaches can be difficult for even experienced daters, so it is probably best if you can get to know a girl well and then ask her out. 2
Hopeful30 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 They dont know, thats why they give it a shot. These men dont base their entire sexual confidence on whether or not women "accept" them when they approach. 2
Otter2569 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 It never hurts to have an exit strategy. You dont need to be rude or walk away with your tale between your legs but have an exit statement or two ready so in case you get shot down you walk away confident, with your head held high. Most women love confidant, funny guys...so get your act together, man!
Author acuriousman99 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Also, there is no way to tell if you would be rejected or not. There are many reasons you could be rejected, that have nothing to do with you directly. She may have just gotten out of a relationship, isn't interested in one, already committed, is a closest lesbian, anything really That's not very comforting. It's more frightening actually.
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 That's not very comforting. It's more frightening actually. Of course it is comforting, because YOU couldn't have possibly predicted that before you asked, and YOU are not the reason they then said no. They are not rejecting YOU, they are just not in a position to date. 2
carhill Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I see so many women that I want to approach but I can't bring myself to do it. I want so badly to be able to be bold and brave but I'm ugly as hell and I know they won't accept me. I'm terrified. IMO, think about where that emotional content of 'terror' comes from. Your answer is probably there. But I see so many guys do it. They may not feel the same way you do, as each person is different or, if they have, they've learned tools to adapt to it or overcome it. Such aspects are part of the male path in life, in general. How do you know she won't reject you and break you down right there? It's always unknown, though time and experience can mitigate the totality of that somewhat. Perhaps think of it more as 'odds'. The odds get better (of avoiding rejection) as one gains more experience and learns from it. How do you know she'll accept you? No guarantees, ever, and acceptance is subject to change at any moment. Again, experience can provide both acceptance of the transitory nature of life as well as tools to more clearly see the canaries dying before one is asphyxiated. And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place? Please help. Depends on your viewpoint on life and how it matches up. No two humans are alike. Some people view this dynamic as better or worse. Others see similarities and dissimilarities. Others see compatibilities and incompatibilities. If viewpoints match up, they do. If not, not. IME, the only way to know for sure, as much as one can know these things, is to try it out and see what happens. If nothing happens, there are billions of other people on the planet to interact with. New ones are presented each moment.
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) You have to fail to get succeses. You have to go true the "no's" to get the "yes's" basicly. Don't bother to get rejected, its a part of life. You only need one woman that respect you, the rest doesn't matter anymore. But you as the men you have to make things happen with girls. Edited March 28, 2015 by DatingAdvise 1
Auspecial Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 The most important thing is to genuinely like people. This way, you can strike up a conversation with anyone just being friendly, and if you get any clues that there may be interest, then you can ask them out, for an ongoing interaction. If no interest, then you're just being kind with another fellow life traveler. No harm, no foul. You haven't lost anything. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Well for me, it isn't about approaching any hot woman I see. I'm selective. Example - Since I'm a personal trainer, I zeroed in one time on a sexy fit woman picking out apples at the grocery store. I needed some myself, so I worked my way over. Then I asked her "How many deadlifts a week does it take to get those pants to look so good on you?" She giggled and asked how I knew she deadlifted. Based on her outfit and body type, she looked like a Crossfit competitor and I just rolled with it. Got her number and she ended up becoming an ex GF of mine. If you're able to stand back and get good at observing situations and the surroundings, you can find things to work with. Edited March 28, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 That's the right approach fitness. But if u have the balls u make a date on the spot.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) That's the right approach fitness. But if u have the balls u make a date on the spot. No offense. But I've seen your posts recently and it comes off like you're regurgitating Corey Wayne almost word for word. Don't get me wrong. I am a fan of his. However, the key to taking someone's advice is applying it in your own way that works for you. Personally, I'd never put a woman on the spot like that. It comes off like I'm trying to lock her down. I'd rather get her number, wait a day, and then shoot her a text so she has my number. Then when she responds, I'll confirm a time that's good to talk on the phone, and call her to ask when she's free to get together. Not only is this showing respect for her schedule, but it also makes her demonstrate her true interest level. Think about it. Any woman can blindly agree to plans just to get rid of a guy. But only a woman that's truly interested will actually respond to the number exchange text. That is when she's making a conscious choice to get together. So in my opinion, it takes more balls and confidence to rely on the impression you made. Rushing the process makes it seem like you're scared she'll get away. Edited March 28, 2015 by fitnessfan365 2
keylime Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 A wise man once said to me, 'Men don't pick women, they pick us'. I've never had any luck approaching women. I've always been turned down when I did. I don't care who you are, women are gonna play 'hard-to-get' for the most part, unless there's a real instant connection there. Just be friendly, have something real to say but don't have any expectations.
xtopher65 Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 It's funny because many men have approach anxiety. I don't know how many times I heard a girl tell me "I wish that guy would talk to me". Many women, on the other hand, have last minute resistance. So right before having a sexual encounter they want to make sure you won't leave afterwards. Dating is a numbers game plain and simple. I consider myself a top pick in the dating world and yet get turned down plenty of times. Babe Ruth only had a sub par batting average. Same thing goes with dating. The more you approach women the better you will get. You will also learn. Reading and analysis only goes so far. Action is where everything comes full circle. Good luck. 1
Krieger Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I see so many women that I want to approach but I can't bring myself to do it. I want so badly to be able to be bold and brave but I'm ugly as hell and I know they won't accept me. I'm terrified. But I see so many guys do it. How do you know she won't reject you and break you down right there? How do you know she'll accept you? And most importantly, how do you know if you're even good enough to be talking to her in the first place? Please help. One of my favorite quotes is : You have to be comfortable being uncomfortable in order to be great at any thing. 2
Author acuriousman99 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 I consider myself a top pick in the dating world and yet get turned down plenty of times. Oh God, that's even more terrifying. If you're getting turned down that often, I'm going to get shot down from a mile away. I don't know.... I whole aspect seems so scary to me. I want to do it but It's very intimidating.
gaius Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 You start getting a good feel for situations after a while, to the point you basically know what the answer to the question will be before you ask it. So you can snuff it out yourself if you feel it's not going anywhere. Or there's no point anymore. But it's a talent you have to develop by getting out there and getting experience.
Male Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I think theres a good percentage of men that have been hiting on women all their lives, and it doesnt even faze them to converse with a woman off the cuff. And along with that, they probably have lost a certain amount of compassion for women, seeing them more as just a target, or a conquest, rather than an actual person. Someone that doesnt approach women is at the opposite end of that spectrum, putting women on a pedestal as they say. The OP has to learn that she's just another person like he is. And unfortunetly, after interacting with enough women you find that theres a good percentage of them that you wish you didnt get to know. You find someone attractive, then after talking with them a few minutes you realize you are planning your escape
Author acuriousman99 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) I think theres a good percentage of men that have been hiting on women all their lives, and it doesnt even faze them to converse with a woman off the cuff. And along with that, they probably have lost a certain amount of compassion for women, seeing them more as just a target, or a conquest, rather than an actual person. Someone that doesnt approach women is at the opposite end of that spectrum, putting women on a pedestal as they say. I don't understand the pedestal aspect. Is that basically me being afraid to talk to them? I always have the mentality before I leave the house that "This time, I'm FINALLY going to do it and approach a girl", but by the time I get out, that's gone. It's replaced with a TON of anxiety and I can't even look at the girl, let alone talk to them. Edited March 30, 2015 by acuriousman99
GorillaTheater Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 The answer is really simple, though the process of getting to this point may take some work: Since you have little if any control over how a woman will respond, you adopt the mindset of independence from outcome. You understand that if she says "no", that answer doesn't materially impact you at all. You're the vacuum cleaner salesman who had yet another door shut in his face, but it doesn't matter at all because there's another door 40 feet away that you haven't tried yet, and a bazillion more doors after that one. I'd suggest that it's not the asking that you're worried about, it's the outcome. Don't worry about outcomes. Don't worry about anything that's not in your control (which, by the way, is just about everything). 1
Justanaverageguy Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Oh God, that's even more terrifying. If you're getting turned down that often, I'm going to get shot down from a mile away. I don't know.... I whole aspect seems so scary to me. I want to do it but It's very intimidating. I always have the mentality before I leave the house that "This time, I'm FINALLY going to do it and approach a girl", but by the time I get out, that's gone. It's replaced with a TON of anxiety and I can't even look at the girl, let alone talk to them. Sounds like the OP has a bad case of approach anxiety. I used to have this when I was a teenager - but recognized the issue and got rid of it pretty much completely. The key is to know and expect that not everyone is going to say yes and be completely OK with that fact. Stop building it up so much and making out that a rejection to be some big huge thing. Its really not. What is literally the worst that happens ? She is not interested - terrible isn't it. Seriously you have never met or spoken to the girl you are approaching - she is a stranger. Half the women you approach probably have boyfriends and aren't available, then others just plane old might not be attracted to you. It happens. Not a big deal. Once you get over that fear of rejection - the approach anxiety looses most of its power. For me the 2 things I found helped most when I was younger were: 1. Taking the pressure off. Stop trying to hit a home run with every girl you approach. Stop putting such a huge focus on the outcome and thinking if she says no or doesn't give you her number its a colossal failure. Just go in and see what happens and have some fun - make it a fun experience instead of terrifying. 2. Practice makes perfect. The more you do something the better and more comfortable you become doing it. Like I said I've had that approach anxiety feeling before when I was younger so I understand it ... the tightness in your chest when you want to make a move but can't. As others said start off small and practice just starting conversations with every day strangers on on the street. Start with basic things like asking the time or for directions and build from there. Practice giving genuine complements to people you don't know so it becomes almost second nature to you. Doesn't have to just be women you want to date - do it to anyone. Complement the guy serving you at the register on his tattoo ... who ever. Once your comfortable and confident in your interactions with strangers you entire vibe and impression to people changes. Instead of being nervous and shy you will be confident and outgoing. People respond to that and it will have an amazing affect on your approaches to women you are interested in. 1
Recommended Posts