I_Like_Tea Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I have a boyfriend I have been seeing over 2 years now. We are very much in love and take very good care of each other, but we live in separate apartments. I feel we've proven our relationship strong enough to withstand moving in together (at least give it a trial run, if things don't end up working out, fine). I've discussed it with him, and he says although he wouldn't mind my moving into his place when his roomie moves out, he doesn't know if he's ready to move to another place entirely. Problem with this is, he currently lives in a 2-bedroom, which if I moved in we know we wouldn't need, and I can't really afford half of what he pays in rent. The fact that he pretty much refused to move when I asked if it would be possible indicates to me that he's scared of living with me. He swears this isn't the case, he just moved in 6 months ago and doesn't want to move again yet (he says it's a big deal to him). Am I being unreasonable here, or is he just missing my point entirely?
InLimbo2 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Ok, so maybe it IS just that he just moved in there and really likes the place too. Why don't you suggest as a compromise that since the place is really too big for a couple and you can't afford half the rent on a too big place - that you'll move in with him and he will pay the difference between what your half the rent would be for a appropriate sized apartment and what your half the rent would be for his current place. You both have to compromise - he has to pay a little more, you have to be the one to move.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Maybe he has a 12 month lease at the apartment which he hasn't told you about so he can't move for a certain period of time...
Cecelius Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I have to say, and I don't know if it's a man thing or what, but there is a HUGE amount of personal space that I like to have. I spend a lot of nights with my g/f, but in a lot of ways, I also know that at this point having my own place is critical to how well we get along. It's not natural for a man not to have some solitude. Maybe he feels goofy about moving into your place. Maybe he doesn't like your place. Maybe he has a lease he can't mess with. Moving sucks and he just did it 6 months ago.
Author I_Like_Tea Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 I completely understand that people need their space (especially guys!) but I know plenty of young couples who live together, and so far none of their relationships have imploded because of it. His lease is for 6 months and is up at the end of may...mine is a month to month agreement but I have to give written notice a month before if I plan to move. I think that "he pays a bit more than you" thing may be a good plan, but I don't know how to bring it up with him...seems like I've already turned him off the whole conversation. Do you have any suggestions for ways I can talk to him about this without sounding like I'm nagging at him? He's a very delicate guy!
blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I would recommend having 2 bedrooms, to be honest. It's always nice to be able to have your own room for your own sh*t. I see that you think it's time to move in together, but what is his feeling on the subject?
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 And then when you fight you can say, "Go to your room!"
prisoner Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 you also have the space for all the stuff that is partisan. your easels you never use. his toolbox. your video equipment. his comics. books and books. that chair you hate. anything pink. and go to your room is a good one. would you put a lock on the door? or even stand for it?
Mary3 Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Is it possible that he simply does not want you living together ? He may like his freedom and privacy and all that comes with having his own place. Maybe he fears your relationship will decline if you both live under the same roof. The fact that he balks the idea can mean he does not want you living there. He also has the issue of just recently moving, lease issues . My best advice is suggest one more time if you can move into his 2 bedroom. If he makes excuses then you * Have your answer *.....
blind_otter Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner you also have the space for all the stuff that is partisan. your easels you never use. his toolbox. your video equipment. his comics. books and books. that chair you hate. anything pink. and go to your room is a good one. would you put a lock on the door? or even stand for it? When I was arguing with my ex I would sometimes go into my room and lock the door if he wanted in, because if a chick is hysterical you just don't bug them. So yeah that's fine. Now, if he's locked in there mainlining heroin, I would prolly be pissed.
prisoner Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I_L_Tea: living to getbher is a big deal but it is not a bigger deal than him blowing this out of proportion. if thatr's what he does you have a bigger problem than him just not wanting to live with you or shutting down the issue without discussion. see it is not space for men, it is territory. it is abotu how comfortable he feels with you. are there other ways he feels infringed upon? mary 3 has a point: get your answer. just ask but make it clear that he is making a decision that matters to you. is this a dealbreaker? has he lived with someone before? if it is just logistics it is one thing but i think Mary 3 is right. and why should it be so hard anyway? mary_3: the fear thing is the question. B_O: no kidding.
HoldOn Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I think he just doesn't want to live together yet. I don't really understand why you are pushing this issue. I think you'll just make him feel pressured, so maybe you should let this issue drop. How old are you two? On the other hand, I think 2 years is long enough to decide if you'll get married or not. Are there any plans for that?
Author I_Like_Tea Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Nah, we're not really the "marrying" type of couple (ie neither of us are ready for that yet). It's not really that he refuses to let me move in, he's said he's fine with that. And quite frankly, I don't really want to move in with him where he lives now either, my question to him was whether we could move to a third location together. That's what he's not ready for. I think honestly it's just a guy thing, wanting your own "turf" so to speak, and going into a shell if anyone asks you to give that up. Maybe it's not really that big a deal, but I can't help but think if we can't make this particular comprimise work there isn't really a "next level" of our relationship. Maybe we're just kind of destined to be a stereotypical college couple until we finally get tired of each other and I'll just have to deal with it. In answer to your question about our age, I'm 21, he's 24.
HoldOn Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 It's not really that he refuses to let me move in, he's said he's fine with that. Erm, he sounds really excited about it. /sarcasm. Really, why don't you wait at least until his lease is over. I don't really understand why you MUST move in with him RIGHT NOW? Also, If you're not the marrying type, why do you want to live together in the first place. I'm not trying ot be harsh, so sorry if it sounds like it. I'm Just trying to understand your situation.
prisoner Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 wanting him all to yourself is fine but if he can see that and he doesn't want it there is nothing you can do about it. being able to label your relationship means you know the limits and the boundaries already. it may be time to consider what you have and be grateful or move on if you are not getting what you want. if it is not that BIG a deal then i say still ask himagain. let him know how important it is for you. throw in the what are we doing after we graduate question and take it from there. and be prepared for an 'i don't know'. oh and still get a two bedroom
clynn Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 i would totally not want to live with someone in anything less than a 2 bedroom. I'm a girl, but personal space is REALLY important to me.
Author I_Like_Tea Posted April 17, 2005 Author Posted April 17, 2005 I'm not trying to move in with him right now...I didn't mean to say we're not the marrying type, only that we both know we're not ready for that YET...part of the problem being that we don't know whether or not we could live together, which is why I wanted to try it out first. Honestly I could see myself with this guy forever (work around each other's grad schools and jobs and whatnot), but he just doesn't seem to care too much about that stuff yet. Most couples spend a lot of their time together and it's healthy when they spend time doing their own thing away from each other...it seems backward with us though, like we spend most of our time apart and then occasionally we're a couple. It just bugs me, but like prisoner says there may be nothing I can do about it aside from just taking our relationship for what it is and not pushing things.
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