neowulf Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I only appear to be attracted to unavailable women or situations which by extension, render said women unavailable. Meaning.. I am by extension, commitment-phobic. When I think about getting into a serious, committed relationship that could eventually turn into marriage, my chest closes up. My anxiety levels go through the roof. I'm terrified of letting my feelings lead me to a bad decision. Of choosing the wrong partner. Of being thrown out and never seeing my children. Of being forced into a shoe box of a life due to child support. I'm scared of getting it all wrong. Scared the impact of such a failure will simply undo me. So, with that acknowledgment out of the way, has anyone had any success in treating their phobia? Is the only real solution learning to proceed, in spite of the deep unease and anxiety.
GemmaUK Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Whoa! Why do you think so far ahead? Marriage and babies (you can make the choice to protect yourself) are not choices you have no.....choice in.
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Stay in the moment. The past is gone and the future is unknown. If you want to be happy, you have to be happy right now. This instant. 4
losangelena Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Well, i think that's a good realization to come to. I suggest therapy. Because that's a pretty debilitating fear, and it's probably coming from a deeper place than you realize. I don't know the statistics or anything, but I don't think that the majority of divorced men are barred from seeing their kids or buried under a pile of child support for the rest of their lives. Many, many, many marriages don't work out, but those who were in them go on to have much happier second marriages. Are you so afraid your "picker" is so off that you're going to pick the kind of woman who will do that to you? Do you have these kinds of fears about other areas of your life? 1
preraph Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Did your parents have these type of problems you're describing? Did one of them instill this fear in you? The only advice I can offer here is don't have kids until you're 100 percent committed to caring for them financially and otherwise for the next 20 years. And don't commit until you're sure you're ready for this type of long-term commitment. You may have fear driving you, and if you grew up with some of these problems, it wouldn't be surprising. But it's really just on you to be ready for commitment. Don't try to force yourself that way, but keep being a responsible person who works and takes care of his obligations well and pets if you have any and who does the best he can do and is working to be the best he can be, and once you gain confidence in yourself and your ability to do this, then the fear should subside. No, nothing can predict the future, but if you just worry about building your own foundation, it will remain strong no matter what shakes it. 2
Satu Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Therapy is the obvious next step. It's not magic, but it can help.
spiderowl Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 No-one is perfect. If you don't give things a chance, you are likely not to have any chances to take. I realised recently that I dismiss potential partners because they have an attitude or trait that I don't like. A different person would probably just accept they were going to disagree on some things and assert themselves when necessary. Also, if you are judgmental and cool because someone says or does something that does not fit with your ideal, your lack of warmth is going to interfere with the natural trust that develops in a relationship, so you never get to the point of emotional intimacy and trust. I've noticed that others who tend to always be in a relationship are less judgmental and warmer in their manner - forgiving and loving. That is not to say that one should ignore serious warning signs, but maybe relationships are more about negotiation than picking the perfect partner from the start. Being open to a relationship may be more important that getting it right from the start. 1
JohnsonBaby Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I feel exactly the same way,I m terrified of making another mistake ,I m not in the position to waste any more time with the wrong people . 1
todreaminblue Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) anything where you fall and hurt yourself physically liek a bike for example........you dont say i am never doing that again......ill never ride a bike again..... so you fall down a flight of steps, fall off a horse, you dont say ok thats it, never using steps again, never riding a horse again......because theres a chance ill fall again.... yeah there is a chance you will fall again and gain some scars and a cool horror story.......but theres also a chance whatever you do it will be the ride of your life..... and its scary...because its meant to feel all important.....you are meant to be afraid..... like riding down a hill with no brakes on a dragster....yeah done this...didnt end well...i continued to ride another bike though...totalled the dragster...............lost quite a bit of skin......serves me right for riding a bike with no brakes down a hill called pilot hill now i wouldnt ever do that again on that bike on that hill....but i would ride a new bike on a different hill and a different time...i would never ride a bike with no brakes again......i have learned riding skills...what hills to stay away from......and i have learned through my mistakes.....and wherever i ride ...i take those lessons with me.....i learn to brake and understand the road and the hills a little better...... anxiety comes from expecting repetition of a bad experience often......and thats where you have to let it go...you arent the same as you were back then and having a relationship with someone new will not be the same road travelled as past relationships as satu said you have to stay in the moment and enjoy what you have...making a commitment comes when you feel comfortable with making a commitment and not before......its not as life threatening as riding down a huge hill with no brakes on a pushbike.......you will survive making a commitment........... but why think so far ahead babies and then child support and divorce.....are you psychic.......stay in the moment...be with who you are with and have joy in your life...trials will come......and you will get through them too...the human heart has a resilience ...we have the capacity to get through massive trials and heartache and love again......we have the ability to heal....to have joy and to weather storms.....have faith in that..its how the higher power made us.....flaws and all ....a true study of resilience........ let your heart enjoy where its at and who its with.......let the trials come as they may......dont pre empt them.....build a bank of good tidings..a portfolio of all the blessings in your life.......be in the moment...then you will have enough prep to ride the hills....leave anxiety in the dust behind you..........deb. Edited March 28, 2015 by todreaminblue 1
Author neowulf Posted March 29, 2015 Author Posted March 29, 2015 Sorry for the slow response guys. I deeply appreciate the perspectives everyone's offered. I grew up in a situation that has left huge scars in my sense of confidence in some aspects of my life. I've had great experience choosing "good" partners. I don't believe any of the women I've chosen would be the kind to simply wake up some day and say "eh, I'm done with you". The issue with a phobia I guess is that it's irrational. I know logically there are no guarantee's in life. I understand that no matter how careful you are, life happens. Maybe your partner dies. You can't say for sure what's going to happen down the road. I guess I'm just tired of leaving a trail of broken relationships. I've dated some wonderful women, I don't understand why I've woken up at 36 to find myself single. The only conclusion I can come to is that I've chosen relationships that were subtly flawed in some way. Maybe I don't love them enough. Maybe they're emotionally distant. I'm not sure what my motives are. I just know that if I was going to be married by now... well, I feel like it would have happened. My latest "trigger" has been a single mother I met through a mutual friend. Please understand, due to some weird wiring on my part, I'm not attracted to 95% of women I meet. I think they're "pretty" sure, but I don't *feel* attraction. With this women, I felt this magnetic pull within minutes of speaking to her. We just click on so many levels. After talking for a bit, turns out not only is she a single mother, but she's recently had to have a hysterectomy. So basically her child bearing days are over. Which wouldn't bother me if I didn't want my own biological children some day. So, months without finding a single women I'm attracted too.. and the first one I really feel a connection with.. completely wrong for me. I'm trying to remain upbeat, but of late, I'm just getting increasingly frustrated at my "partner picker", sending me down dead ends. Perhaps counselling is the best course of action for me.
Buddhist Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I I am by extension, commitment-phobic. When I think about getting into a serious, committed relationship that could eventually turn into marriage, my chest closes up. My anxiety levels go through the roof. I'm terrified of letting my feelings lead me to a bad decision. Of choosing the wrong partner. Of being thrown out and never seeing my children. Of being forced into a shoe box of a life due to child support. I'm scared of getting it all wrong. Scared the impact of such a failure will simply undo me. So, with that acknowledgment out of the way, has anyone had any success in treating their phobia? Is the only real solution learning to proceed, in spite of the deep unease and anxiety. Sadly no. I have ditched every guy I've ever been engaged to, usually after waking up in a cold sweat and suffering some bizarre nightmare. I am currently sabotaging the purchase of my own home (this is the 4th house I've had my offer accepted on, I never bought the other three). So no I do not have a remedy for the feelings you describe, which have plagued me as long as I've lived.
Author neowulf Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Stay in the moment. The past is gone and the future is unknown. If you want to be happy, you have to be happy right now. This instant. I agree with the sentiment Satu, but frankly, that's what got me in trouble to begin with. It's easy to just go with the flow, only to figure out you really should have bailed waaay sooner. When I was younger, that was ok. I was willing to take the journey and learn what ever lessons it had to teach along the way. Now that I'm older... I just feel this huge crush of time pressure. I don't have to time to get it wrong again. I don't have the time to waste on more dead end relationships...
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