It finally hit me today. Stages of grief can begin before the loss.

[HokeyReligions]

I've been handling this quite well I think --- so far. Today I had to stop and pick up my mom's latest perscriptions (she was in the hospital again last weekend & is home now)

 

Our pharmiscist, Veronica, said she talked to mom's doctor and that she heard the news that mom only has two to five months left. As I was leaving the store I broke down a bit. I walked in and hubby saw my face and thought that it was about my job. I told him that it had just really hit me and even though I knew I was in denial, I hadn't felt that this was coming so soon.

 

I called my brother tonight and told him. He is going to call mom on Saturday and try to get out here soon. I don't know if he will call our sister--probably he will.

 

Mom told me that her doctor said something about "two to five" but she thinks he means years. I knew he meant months. Or, it could be that mom doesn't want ME to know that it's only months and she is dealing with this quietly in her own way. If she really doesn't realize its months, I don't want to tell her. If she thinks she is protecting me then I don't want her to know that I know---she is trying to take care of me and my feelings and to say that I know would hurt her. She's lost her independence and that gives her some feeling of dignity and of nurturing.

 

I spent some time with her this evening, but she was watching TV and wanted some quiet so I let her be.

 

I looked at her dog, Lucy -- who used to be our dog. Lucy will have to be put to sleep when mom goes. Lucy has a bite history and can not be around other dogs or animals, she fights and like a good fighter--she doesn't let go. But with people she is a sweet heart. Loves everyone and she and mom have bonded and are so perfect for each other. Each time mom goes into the hospital Lucy whines and grievs for her and anxiously awaits her return.

 

I love Lucy too and to lose them both is going to be so hard. Dealing with the new job, my own health issues, and this is just too much for me. I still have one foot in the denial phase, or I wouldn't be able to post here (which is VERY helpful to me--thank you all), or be able to work or function.

 

I'm numb and yet shaking. It's like the anxiety a kid feels the day before Christmas, only not joyful. It's a dark anticipation and dread and sense of no control. I can't stop this, I can't prolong it, I can only breathe and sometimes I forget to do that.

 

I'm afraid for her. I don't know what she will face or if she will face anything. I have a feeling it will be painful and a crisis and she'll end up passing away in the hospital and not at home where she needs to be and wants to be. I try not to think about that but my mind keeps going there anyway.

 

She is ready. I am not.

[Sickofitall]

No matter how long any loved one has and no matter how long you think you have prepared for the loss it still knocks you on your butt when it happens.

 

My Dad was sick for 8 years and we knew the end was coming and so did he. I grieved for my loss before it happened and 23 years later I am still grieving.

 

If your Mom is ready that is good she's at peace with her destiny. Unfortunately you will never be ready. It's really hard to say goodbye to a parent. What has always helped me through losing my Dad is talking to him. I hear him in my heart he responds to me. Having a great support system around you really helps whether it be family, friends or a message board you need a shoulder to cry on. Let it out. Even now. Do your best to get Mom home even if it's just for a few days. It made a difference for my Dad. He died in the hospital but he had been home the weekend before that. He died happy knowing he had been home and that he was finally going to be out of agony.

 

About Lucy. Can't you give her to a no kill shelter that will place her with a family that has no other animals? You have other animals? Is that why she can't come back to you? How old is she? What kind of a dog?

 

I hope you can come to terms with what your dealing with. It's an uphill climb. Try not to dwell on what will be. Make every moment with Mom count it will mean so much to you years from now. Take care of yourself take it a step at a time.

 

You and your Mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[tokyo]

I can only imagine how it feels to suffer so much sorrow, but you will always be a source of inspiration for me should I ever have to go through this kind of pain.

 

Hugs,

kooky

[quankanne]

Stages of grief can begin before the loss

 

unfortunately, that statement is all too true, and I'm sorry that you've got to deal with this particularly right now, Hokey.

 

are you and your mother to a point where you can discuss things in a heart to heart manner, where you can ask her how she feels about the whole situation and what she wants done? hearing her answer will hurt, but you'll be able to take your cue from her if she does choose to dialogue about death in general and in particular.

 

I believe you'd mentioned a long, long time ago that your mother is a Christian -- would talking about her faith and how it has prepared her for this journey make you feel uncomfortable? Knowing that she is a believer may be consoling to you in and of itself because it can help you to accept that her belief in an eternal reward as promised by Christ allows her to transcend both illness and death. Sort of knowing that even though you don't claim her belief, you are still consoled by the strength of that belief ...

 

I hate to see you in this situation, but I can tell you that having The Talk with my own mama helped me to see that in the end, dying wasn't the hard part for her, it was knowing the pain we'd feel when she did die. Like your mom, mine was chronically ill and suffered a lot because of that illness. Yet, because she was a believer, she could focus on knowing that she would soon see the God she knew and loved all her life. That grace she was given -- preparing for (and receiving) a happy death had made all the difference in my own grief journey.

 

maybe looking at the recent death of the pope can explain it a bit better: we all saw how he suffered tremendously these last several years, but it was a sacrifice he gladly made because he understood that it was just part of the journey to be with Jesus. That dying wasn't so scary because something wonderful awaited him afterward ... maybe this is what your mother also feels?

 

hoke, your family is in my prayers tonight

xxx,

quank

[HokeyReligions]

Thank you all. It is so hard, but I've been so very very fortunate. Mom has lived with us for the last six years so I have her company daily. We have talked about her death and her belief and I know what she wants and there were times in the hospital where I stood firm in her DNR requests.

 

I have prepared her Living Will and Final Directive for her and I understand that all she wants is to be comfortable. No respirator, no CPR, etc. She will have IV fluid for rehydration if necessary, or IV antibiotic for infection (she just went thru that last weekend) but no feeding tube or other means of sustaining her life if she can't breathe or eat on her own.

 

We've talked about her faith and that her soul is ready to move on. There have been many, many times over the past few years where she said she was ready to go right then.

 

Last night, though, after I had made my initial post I was talking with her and she mentioned her Directive and we were discussing some concerns we have and she said "lets stop talking about this now" and I said "Yes, lets -- I'm not ready to let you go" and she replied "I'm not ready to go yet either" and that really struck me. She's a fighter. She only wants to let go when she is in a physical crisis (pain, can't breathe, heart attack, etc.) and when she's recovered from that she is not ready. This is tearing me up inside.

 

I'm glad she has her faith and I know that in a crisis mode she will be ready to let go, but I don't want to go in so much pain and be conscious and aware right up to the very end--which is what almost happened before when her lungs filled with fluid. The paramedics were a second away from tubing her (which would mean a respirator for the rest of her life) and she didn't want that, but she also didn't want to suffer the agony of pain and not being able to breathe.

 

Her death won't be easy for her and that is my greatest fear FOR her. I need to have something that I can give her when she gets that bad. Some injection of morphine that will knock her out so she doesn't feel the pain of struggling to breathe and let her die peacefully, but even with her directives I don't have that--all I can do is call for Hospice and hope that they can get there asap to administer aid. Paramedics can not give her anything like that--they are directed to get her to the hospital and try to help her breathe. I'm just so upset right now.

 

I would try to find a home for Lucy--an older person or couple with no children around and absolutely no other animals would be ideal. She would be better off being put to sleep than in a shelter---Lucy hates other animals and she would spend the rest of her life in prison and very unhappy. I can't do that to her--if she can't go to a new home, then she will be better off asleep. She is only 8 and pretty healthy and to put to sleep a healthy animal goes against everything I've worked for in the shelters. But she can't live alone in a back room--she needs companionship too. Maybe I could find some other old lady to move in with Lucy?!

 

Lucy has tried to attack my other dogs and I've got some scars from breaking up fights she started the couple times she got out of her room.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't think anymore because I know the only resolutions and I don't want to face them. It hurts too much.

[blind_otter]

I feel for you, Hokey. My Dad is terminally ill and has been for about 3 years now with congestive heart failure, COPD, and a grab bag of neurological problems stemming from multiple strokes. I love him to death but I began grieving for him and his death probably after he had his 4th heart attack, in the kitchen when I was about 11 years old. He actually did die at that point and my mother revived him with CPR and a precordial thump, which she knows how to administer because she is an ER nurse.

 

In any case, something definatley switched in the last few years, and I deal with him in a very emotionally distant way, now. On the day that he does die I expect I will probably end up shutting down even more.

 

So I totally understand the process of grieving for someone while they are still alive. It's a strange conundrum.

[quankanne]

Lucy:

 

I had meant to include something on last posting, but I got kind of carried away with the other topic, sorry! Anyhow, is Lucy gentle with all older adults? Possibly even people (especially kids) who are ill? If she's got a good personality around humans and is easy to control, you may look into placing her with an organization that provides pet therapy to shut-ins, nursing homes or hospital wards, where there aren't other animals around. When my granny (and later, my mom) was in the nursing home, my dad would take Millie, the poodle my folks adopted, for visits. And people loved seeing her because she had such a beautiful disposition, didn't jump all over them, didn't really bark or scare them. And I know she brought joy to a lot of people who had to leave their beloved pets behind when they got to the nursing home ...

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by quankanne

Lucy:

 

I had meant to include something on last posting, but I got kind of carried away with the other topic, sorry! Anyhow, is Lucy gentle with all older adults? Possibly even people (especially kids) who are ill? If she's got a good personality around humans and is easy to control, you may look into placing her with an organization that provides pet therapy to shut-ins, nursing homes or hospital wards, where there aren't other animals around. When my granny (and later, my mom) was in the nursing home, my dad would take Millie, the poodle my folks adopted, for visits. And people loved seeing her because she had such a beautiful disposition, didn't jump all over them, didn't really bark or scare them. And I know she brought joy to a lot of people who had to leave their beloved pets behind when they got to the nursing home ...

 

That is a good idea. I'll check into it. Lucy loves when people come over and she's very affectionate. But when she's resting and we tell her to move she will growl at us and has a couple of times snapped at us when we've attempted to nudge her where she didn't want to go. Talk about spoiled! I'm so afraid that she will turn and hurt someone. Last night when I got home she was all over me with kisses and wiggles and was sooooo happy to be loved on. She's not good with kids and I wouldn't trust her with any--one tail pull could result in the loss of a hand -- but with older people who are gentle and just want to pat her head (or rub her tummy--she offers that!) and talk to her, she is wonderful.

 

It's so sad, she used to be fantastic with my other dogs. When we brought her in we had two dogs and she got along so well with them. They would play and sleep together in a pile, etc. Then one day she just turned on my girl and tore into her! I couldn't get her loose and hubby had to bang Lucy over the head with a hard cutting board to get her off my baby! Hubby threw her outside on the patio and we rushed off to the vet because she nearly tore my beautiful girl's ear off! She seemed okay after that for a while and she played with the other dogs (by then we had another two dogs) and she adopted Tiger as hers, then I saw that look in her eyes and she charged by girl again. I got in between them before she reached her, but Dutchess came over to see what was going on the Lucy & Dutchess got into it! From that point on Lucy could only be with Tiger (they still played) and Max---but she turned one day and tried to attack Max too and that is when we totally isolated her from the others.

 

I just don't trust her. I love her and I love to play with her and cuddle her, but I don't trust her. She and my mom have a wonderful relationship. Lucy does whatever the heck Lucy wants to do, and mom smiles and lets her! Lucy is good though, she doesn't chew (gets in the trash sometimes) and is house-broken and minds when we say "get down" or "go in the bathroom" (we lock her in there for a few minutes when the nurse is at the house because she'll pester the nurse until the nurse gives her a tummy rub!)

 

Our lives are about to hit another "Before" and "After" milestone.

 

Thank you all for letting me vent about this here--it really does help.

[quankanne]

. But when she's resting and we tell her to move she will growl at us and has a couple of times snapped at us when we've attempted to nudge her where she didn't want to go … She's not good with kids and I wouldn't trust her with any

 

classic signs of a chihuahua personality (unless she's part Siamese cat that you don't know about!!!!!)

[HokeyReligions]

She looks like a cross between a Pit Bull and a Chihuahua, with maybe a little Jack Russell thrown in. Powerful mix, that one! She's adorable.