Jonp219 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Ok, so the dumper dumps the dumpee. Despite what happens the dumper has all the power and needs to wait for the dumper to return, correct? What about if the dumper wants the dumpee back and the dumpee wants to make him/her work for it? The ball is in the dumpees court now, however the dumper is the one who needs to do all the work to get the other person back. If the dumper can lose his/her power and has to chase the dumpee back, than why can't the dumpee make an attempt at getting the dumper back, especially when he/she knows the reasons for the break up and is willing to fix them?
Jethro Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Have you ever heard the expression, "There are no rules in love and war"? 2
Cinnamonstix Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Because they don't want the relationship anymore, and throwing yourself at them is only going to make them view you with even more distaste. They have to come to the realization on their own that they want you.
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Head games and playacting are futile, because healthy relationships are all based on honesty and openness. Unhealthy relationships on the other hand, are all based on dishonesty. It's a choice: "To be, or to appear to be." "That is the question."
Author Jonp219 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Because they don't want the relationship anymore, and throwing yourself at them is only going to make them view you with even more distaste. They have to come to the realization on their own that they want you. How is that any different from the dumper returning? The dumpee could just simply think, "Oh look at him graveling at my feet I knew he would return". 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 How is that any different from the dumper returning? The dumpee could just simply think, "Oh look at him graveling at my feet I knew he would return". There's another saying that's often passsed around: "If you're not willing to look stupid, you're not ready for love" as it sounds; If the dumper made a mistake, and truly wants to reconnect, They have to risk looking stupid, or be filled with regret. 4
DJOkawari Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) If the dumper can lose his/her power and has to chase the dumpee back, than why can't the dumpee make an attempt at getting the dumper back, especially when he/she knows the reasons for the break up and is willing to fix them? For me, I think logically you're correct but there are so many other factors. Usually the dumpee isn't in the emotional state to have the dumper fall in love with them again for a long time. The dumpee approaching the dumper in a needy state just leads to further rejection and reinforcement of the dumper's idea that they should find something new. In addition the dumper made their peace with not having the dumpee in their lives (well prior to the break up, probably) to change that would require something to change on the dumpers part. Until that change occurs the dumpees efforts are basically futile. Hence, we always discuss the dumper causing any possible reconciliation. Obviously there is the sub-case of situations where the dumper is leaving because the dumpee has mistreated them. In this situation when a problem can be pinpointed, maybe there is more hope for the dumpee changing the dumpers mind, but usually even in this situation the dumpee accepting their problem, working on it, and returning in a better emotional state would lead to a more sound and successful relationship if it were to happen. Finally, when the dumpee has healed, why would they want the dumper back? They are literally over the fact that they are no longer in their previous arrangement. If at that point the dumpee was to reach out and the dumper was in an appropriate place in their life to allow the dumpee back in, they likely would be acquaintances or friends and maybe eventually be together again, but the reasons that that is so rare are that: most dumpees end up realizing that there are infinite possibilities in life, they have changed, the dumper has changed, life has taken them upon a new path, the dumpee has met someone new, the dumper is in a LTR, or finally maybe the dumper really has no interest in seeing the dumpee again. There are just so many variables. But, yeah, logically when both people are back to not being too emotional about the breakup it's possible, sure...kind of like how they got together in the first place. A much shorter answer: The dumpee attempting to get the dumper back is the weaker in the power dynamic asking something of the stronger. The best the dumpee can do in the situation is to make their case and see if it makes the dumper gives up some of their power by reinvesting emotions in the dumpee...odds of the dumper (who wanted the dumpee out of their life) doing that when the dumpee asks? Low. Odds of the dumpee giving up even more power while making their plea? High. On the other hand we have the situation where the dumper feels like they've made a mistake...maybe even just for a second. That gives the dumpee their power back if they are approached again. Edited March 27, 2015 by DJOkawari 2
batt Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Ok, so the dumper dumps the dumpee. Despite what happens the dumper has all the power and needs to wait for the dumper to return, correct? What about if the dumper wants the dumpee back and the dumpee wants to make him/her work for it? The ball is in the dumpees court now, however the dumper is the one who needs to do all the work to get the other person back. If the dumper can lose his/her power and has to chase the dumpee back, than why can't the dumpee make an attempt at getting the dumper back, especially when he/she knows the reasons for the break up and is willing to fix them? So say dumpee knew the reason for the break and begged, cried pleaded and looked like an absolute fool trying to win the dumper back only to have the dumper tell them to basically **** off. After some time away the dumper realizes they want the dumpee back but the dumpee has an epiphany that they are better off without the dumper. Why should the dumpee make any effort? After all they were the ones hurt in the first place, especially if they did no wrong. 2
OneBigIdgit Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 The most basic answer is if the dumper left to go into a new relationship the dumpee has no chance of getting positive attention from the dumper for at least a few months. The dumper is into something new and better until they realize that maybe this isn't an improvement over what they had. The only way the dumpee will ever know that the dumper hit that indecision is when the dumper starts trying to find the dumpee again. It happens sometimes but unless the dumpee has made changes, it is very likely any reconciliation will not last. That is why no contact will work occassionally. Make the dumper miss you, take the time to be an improved you if the dumper comes looking 2
amaysngrace Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 The dumpee needs to "fix" themselves in order to be with the dumper? If somebody dumped me and told me that about myself I'd tell them to go fck themselves. And never want to talk to them again. 5
OneBigIdgit Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 You know, when you put it that way, anyone getting dumped should start naming all the faults of the dumper as they are breaking up with you. It might just let them know that they aren't the perfect partner. The dumpers usually feel better about themselves after the break because they know the break is coming and they have someone chasing them(dumpee) which sorta puts the dumper in a much more attractive light 1
elaine567 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 The dumper is usually in a better place because they usually have had a long time to think about it before they actually say anything to the dumpee. They have been through all the Should I?, Shouldn't I?, I'll stay. No, I need to go. They have had time to think out all the scenarios and finally they decide "I cannot do this any more". So they are prepared for the lashing out, the bitterness, the anger, the crying, the pleading... By the time they leave, they often have had enough, so they don't really care what the dumpee does. They have made their decision and they stick to it. The dumpee is then on a hiding to nothing. 1
xxoo Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 How is that any different from the dumper returning? The dumpee could just simply think, "Oh look at him graveling at my feet I knew he would return". And that happens sometimes. The dumpee returning is different because it wasn't their choice to end it. They've been dumped. Why go back to the person who rejected you? How many times do you touch a hot stove? The dumper made the choice to end it. In their mind, there is a strong chance the dumpee (who didn't choose to end it) would welcome their return. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. 2
minimariah Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 What about if the dumper wants the dumpee back and the dumpee wants to make him/her work for it? if the dumpee still wants the dumper back, if getting back together is even an option - than the dumper still holds the power. they want out? they're out. they want back in? they're back in. with or without the conditions. when the dumpee moves on & stops wanting the dumper no matter how much work they do? it's only then that they have the power back. having that power you speak of means truly not caring about the other person, indifference. If the dumper can lose his/her power and has to chase the dumpee back, than why can't the dumpee make an attempt at getting the dumper back, especially when he/she knows the reasons for the break up and is willing to fix them? because the dumper, well... dumped the dumpee. they don't want the dumpee & they're moving on. you can make all the attempts you want but you can force someone to want or love you. when people have problems & recognize them, know about them; they work on it. they don't go their separate ways. the dumper realizing that the dumpee is The One & coming back is something you will rarely see, very rarely. people in most cases don't look back. you leave someone for a reason. 2
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I don't like the term 'dumper', but I'll use it. Dumper: "You are unworthy, but I am worthy." Dumpee: "You are worthy, but I am unworthy." Somewhere in there is a big lie. Who is telling it? Who believes it?
Jamesgar Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 This stinks of over analyzing! If it was right nobody would be fighting for the dumpee or dumper.
mightycpa Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 The only power that exists in a relationship of this kind is the power of least interest. So, to the extent that either party wants that relationship more than the other, whether that means either one wants to get back together, or the dumper wants to be friends, and can't understand why the dumpee won't answer, the party that "wants" is going to be some level of frustrated with the party of least interest. I'm not sure it is fair to say you "hold power" if you're not interested.
Reality015 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Once the dumper gets the dumpee back & is in control the dumper will probably dump the dumpee again.
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