William Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 OK, folks, I get the enamor with tough love but such love, should it not be within our guidelines of interactions, regardless of how masochistic or accepting the recipient of it is or is not, is still outside our guidelines and disallowed. Hence, yup, some people were sanctioned and posts were edited or deleted. Discussion is fine; support is encouraged. Take pot shots at folks with loaded language or insinuations at your own risk. Now, back to the topic of an affair participant and their partner being back together. Thanks! 4
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 No, I will not keep that option closed, and we do not speak of that, he got really upset when we discussed this once and he hides it now, and we do not speak of it. But, strangely we are in an affair, but I could not be physical with another man while with him, that would be our definitive end if it were to occur. Do you consider this one sided?
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 My therapist told me this afternoon that it could take 6 months of NC from AP to start feeling normal again...4/12 is 3 months, i'm halfway there and can only pray every night for strength not to go backwards I believe you are very brave for posting the truth SleekArchitecture..You have more guts than most Wow that's a long timeline. Good to know though, at least that gives all of us motivation to stick to Nc so we can keep ticking off the weeks! Sleek, I do also commend you for posting that. Please keep us updated on how you are doing and how it goes. Please protect your heart and emotions... You've been through this and know how it usually goes...
Wifeinpain Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Yes, this surely is true, although his wife did find out about me, and told him she would leave him if he came back, and he did exactly that...came back. I have to sort it out. It has been 4 years and I thought I had it finalized and figured out. This is far more cruel to his wife than the first time around. How could you knowingly participate in destruction and pain that will by far beat the first time. 1
anika99 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Sadly it took me over 2 years to start feeling normal again, I hope you can move on faster than I did but I have no good feelings for xmm, I'm very sure he feels the same about me Actually I had a therapist tell me that I needed a full 2yrs of strict no contact with a toxic ex. She was right. We had gone no contact several times for several months, the longest being 8 months and as soon as I would see him I would be toast. It did take me close to 2yrs to overcome.
Doublegold Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Rainbow00 Generally it takes 66 days to form a new habit. Days 1 – 22: Put the pedal to the metal. Elite Daily calls this the “be obnoxious” stage. Be vocal about the fact that you’re trying to make a change, and enlist other people’s help to do so. Ask your friends, family, and co-workers to hold you accountable for whether you’re keeping up the habit you’re trying to develop, or whether you’re slipping back into your old ones. It’s much harder to disappoint other people than it is to disappoint ourselves. Days 23 – 44: Look inward. Now is the time to work on yourself. Think long and hard about what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, what you want out of life, and how you want to represent yourself. Knowing the reasons you’re trying to make the change you want to make will make it a lot easier to do it. Days 24 – 66: Keep moving forward. The final push is often the hardest, so don’t let yourself start slacking now. Find something that will help you keep moving towards your goal. Day 66 and On: Celebrate it. You’ve reached your goal? Awesome! Congratulations! Have a celebratory moment — as long as that celebratory moment doesn’t involve backsliding. Elite Daily suggests making it a yearly tradition; that way, you’ve always got both a reason to keep your awesome new habit up, and something to look forward to. Even if 66 days seems like a long time, look at it as a piece of encouragement. You can do it! Go, go, go! I believe in you! Good luck!
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Are you in love with this man? I have no idea. I cannot sort this question out when I think about it.
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 This is far more cruel to his wife than the first time around. How could you knowingly participate in destruction and pain that will by far beat the first time. I do not know exactly how his wife deals with it or why. He has done this before me and continues to and she stays. Of course I feel guilt and I feel bad being in an affair with a taken man.
Lurkeraspect Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 I do not know exactly how his wife deals with it or why. He has done this before me and continues to and she stays. Of course I feel guilt and I feel bad being in an affair with a taken man. Just not enough to change it, right? You can't answer why his bs stays, as you certainly have no idea the lies he's telling her. Question is, why do you continually sign up for drama and crumbs? 2
ladydesigner Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I do not know exactly how his wife deals with it or why. He has done this before me and continues to and she stays. Of course I feel guilt and I feel bad being in an affair with a taken man. Well in my case, as my WH is a serial cheater, it is his method of "hoovering" I call it that because it feels similar to the honeymoon period in the cycle of abuse. My WH manages to suck me back in with his words and actions, but they never stand the test of time. He's currently on his last (umpteenth) chance with me. He actually did the same thing with his xMOW as she told me many times he would beg her not to end things. When it was ending with me he would so call 'hoover' me and when she would end things or get mad at him he would 'hoover' her. He spoke badly about me to her and her to me. It was very refreshing for me to speak with the MOW as I knew my WH was the leader of the circus show he created.
the_artist_1970 Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I cannot explain it. He is the first one I think of when I want to share a big project, etc., and it opened us up to square 1, and it was way too natural and at ease. I know this was bad and I failed. It really isn't about him. He is the first one because you felt really comfortable with him because you have nothing to loose. He is already committed to another woman so he satisfies your your deepest desires because you don't fear getting hurt. Trust me, if you work through what is holding you back from allowing yourself to be loved totally, honestly and openly you will embark on a whole new world of satisfying pleasures and emotions.
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