sunburned Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) Did you forget about them when you renewed your alliance with a serial cheater, you know the one who "broke NC and offered the same ole same ole and breadcrumbs as if this was my only worth in his eyes. It is not a simple insult, but a deep insult, one of shame and anger while digesting." (7th post, just 11 days ago) Edited March 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) I mentioned I do not understand my reasoning yet why I am involved again. He has serially cheated yes, but as a father he is one of the most fully invested fathers in every aspect. He goes above and beyond taking them on outings and activities, many times solely. He devotes a lot of time to them. We have not let the affair take time from our children. I was stressed once with mine, but it was a rare rare anomaly. I would never be involved with anyone who was not invested in their children. We discuss parenting a lot. Edited March 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
elaine567 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Aren't affairs meant to be fun, aren't they meant to be exciting and wonderful. Is that not the reward and reason for all the sneaking around and lying? Seems there is little reward here, it is just angst and more angst. 2
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Aren't affairs meant to be fun, aren't they meant to be exciting and wonderful. Is that not the reward and reason for all the sneaking around and lying? Seems there is little reward here, it is just angst and more angst. Strangely not this one. While we cannot keep our hands off one another, we spend a great deal with talk and wine. We are often at odds with one another and there is a great deal of tension, but this never matters, we work it out. I am definitely not a vacation from his marriage. I am hard headed and stand my own ground. It is not a cake walk for him. 1
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 I'm in the same boat as your MM's BS. My Wh's A went underground for 2 years. At this point I would welcome MOW to have him. These men aren't worth it. One thing that is good for the AP is that they can leave without any legalities like the spouse will have to go through. I know for a fact if I didn't have kids I would've left WH by now. I'm currently in limbo and sounds like you are in your own limbo too. It is such an unsettling feeling. If his wife were to leave would you even still want the MM? I honestly have no answer for this. I do not know. 1
Snotra Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 What does your gut tell you? The times she's found out and you've thought you might possibly have a real relationship with him? Not imagined, in the future, fantasy but the holy $hit this could happen for real. Hmm? 1
Minnie09 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I mentioned I do not understand my reasoning yet why I am involved again. He has serially cheated yes, but as a father he is one of the most fully invested fathers in every aspect. ..... I would never be involved with anyone who was not invested in their children. We discuss parenting a lot. That's great, but you did say that the A affected you so much that you think it's also indirectly affecting your children. Short fuse and such......you were adamant about that, and I'm worried that this might get worse, if you continue with him. Because the dynamics of your A will stay the same. He is M and a great father (good for him), and he won't change his private / family life and personal situation. The only thing you can try to change is to not let the A dynamics affect your parenting, which is tough, because in As, people are more stressed, distracted, impatient and generally preoccupied. Do you think this time around it will be different? Will you react differently to a series of disappointments that are bound to happen, again? What makes you think that? He may be a great father and blahblah, but he's not a single parent. It's easier to parent when both parents are around full time. That's why he handles it better. Also, he's apparently not as involved as you are, emotionally, and therefore his "other" life aka family and kids isn't half as affected as your life. 2
jwi71 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Thanks Hope and your signature is correct. I cannot explain myself logically because I have no earthly idea what I am doing and why. I am comfortable knowing the world will not stop spinning without him but at the same time I enjoy spinning on it with him. I miss his mind. Bizarre I know. And you will, in the not too distant future, miss him yet again. When he can't/won't call. Or visit. Or be with you when YOU need him. You only THINK you have him...you don't. You never did. No woman has despite all having thought the same as you. He will, in time, disappoint you yet again. It may not be his intent to disappoint or hurt you but it will be his choice to do so. And he will, as history suggests, do so again. At some point, when you can no longer suffer any more, you will end it. Until then, your world will be the same familiar anxiety and missing punctuated by stolen moments of reprieve. Do not think that his presence is what is good...it only feels better than his absence - neither of which are good. If I may...what makes you believe that "this time" will end differently than before? How do you avoid writing your very first again? 5
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 That's great, but you did say that the A affected you so much that you think it's also indirectly affecting your children. Short fuse and such......you were adamant about that, and I'm worried that this might get worse, if you continue with him. Because the dynamics of your A will stay the same. He is M and a great father (good for him), and he won't change his private / family life and personal situation. The only thing you can try to change is to not let the A dynamics affect your parenting, which is tough, because in As, people are more stressed, distracted, impatient and generally preoccupied. Do you think this time around it will be different? Will you react differently to a series of disappointments that are bound to happen, again? What makes you think that? He may be a great father and blahblah, but he's not a single parent. It's easier to parent when both parents are around full time. That's why he handles it better. Also, he's apparently not as involved as you are, emotionally, and therefore his "other" life aka family and kids isn't half as affected as your life. I lost my patience once and they were quite unruly. It is not a normal occurrence and we have been together 4 years. 1
Cinnimon Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Sleek, can I ask you an honest question here? Are you disappointed in yourself at all for going back in?
Hope Shimmers Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I was adamant during the A that I wasn't taking anything away from my kids either. Now I know I was kidding myself. My head was not in the game. Not only did it take time away from them (any time I was with ex-MM was time that should have been theirs rather than some man married to another woman and cheating on her), but it also took emotional energy that should have gone towards being a mother. I can't ever change that, and it's probably the hardest thing to live with. I understand that you miss his mind. I understand that you feel that the A is not about him 'cake-eating' and not just about sex because you 'get' each other, intellectually and so forth. I know that, as I am an intellectual person too and am attracted only to men who are exceedingly intelligent (my ex was not formally educated but he was incredibly intelligent). I also LOVED his sense of humor. We connected on an intellectual level in a way that I fear I will never find again. I also fear I will never find someone who can genuinely make me laugh the way he did. Most other guys just seem goofy to me compared to him. So I get that. But at this point, I can't kid myself that it wasn't 'special' and that he was having his cake and eating it too. Maybe not sexually, as is typical, but he was lying and cheating and not treating me with respect. No one can disrespect you unless you give them permission. I'll bow out now, as I don't want to 'lecture' you and I do understand how you feel. Just please be honest with yourself. The difference between your posts now and the ones you made in the last 3 weeks is significant. Ask yourself honestly which version is the truth. 6
Darren Steez Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Who is he? Take a look back at one of the threads you created. I guess such details tend to slip the mind.... One yarn too many
I4givehim Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 There was no drama or NC doubts or hanging on. We are together again. I believe I am addicted to his neurosis. Strange as this sounds. I genuinely missed him, not his validation or attention. I missed his company and friendship. I may have a screw loose or two. I hope you are using a condum. Wow! Unreal...
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 I hope you are using a condum. Wow! Unreal... Oh you bet. We had a pregnancy scare before and then his teasing me weeks after about me having his child set my radar off, so even when he tries to go lax I put my foot down. 1
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Sleek, can I ask you an honest question here? Are you disappointed in yourself at all for going back in? Yes I am disappointed.
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 I was adamant during the A that I wasn't taking anything away from my kids either. Now I know I was kidding myself. My head was not in the game. Not only did it take time away from them (any time I was with ex-MM was time that should have been theirs rather than some man married to another woman and cheating on her), but it also took emotional energy that should have gone towards being a mother. I can't ever change that, and it's probably the hardest thing to live with. I understand that you miss his mind. I understand that you feel that the A is not about him 'cake-eating' and not just about sex because you 'get' each other, intellectually and so forth. I know that, as I am an intellectual person too and am attracted only to men who are exceedingly intelligent (my ex was not formally educated but he was incredibly intelligent). I also LOVED his sense of humor. We connected on an intellectual level in a way that I fear I will never find again. I also fear I will never find someone who can genuinely make me laugh the way he did. Most other guys just seem goofy to me compared to him. So I get that. But at this point, I can't kid myself that it wasn't 'special' and that he was having his cake and eating it too. Maybe not sexually, as is typical, but he was lying and cheating and not treating me with respect. No one can disrespect you unless you give them permission. I'll bow out now, as I don't want to 'lecture' you and I do understand how you feel. Just please be honest with yourself. The difference between your posts now and the ones you made in the last 3 weeks is significant. Ask yourself honestly which version is the truth. I feel the same much like you did. I am off the rocker. I missed him. I can only be honest.
Cinnimon Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Yes I am disappointed. I only asked because I remember going back and forth in my A and each time I always felt disappointed in myself. 1
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Sleek, you are simply looking for relief right now. You need some distance to see through the fog, and then you can make a decision if this relationship is right for you. I'm guessing no. I don't recall your full story, but I think you were sad and tense all the time waiting for crumbs from your MM? This will only provide temporary relief. Do you think this will go anywhere permanently? If no, won't it be harder down the line when you are more attached? I know it's hard to detach, I don't think I could have done it if he didn't do it for me. And even so it hurts. But it needs to be gone - there is no end game here 1
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Sleek, you are simply looking for relief right now. You need some distance to see through the fog, and then you can make a decision if this relationship is right for you. I'm guessing no. I don't recall your full story, but I think you were sad and tense all the time waiting for crumbs from your MM? This will only provide temporary relief. Do you think this will go anywhere permanently? If no, won't it be harder down the line when you are more attached? I know it's hard to detach, I don't think I could have done it if he didn't do it for me. And even so it hurts. But it needs to be gone - there is no end game here I cannot explain it. He is the first one I think of when I want to share a big project, etc., and it opened us up to square 1, and it was way too natural and at ease. I know this was bad and I failed.
obtuseedge Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Well your heart is obviously ruling your actions, while your head is telling you he's poison. Either way, if you miss him, that's up to you. But since you are single, I wouldn't limit my dating options to him. 2
lookingforclosure Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) My therapist told me this afternoon that it could take 6 months of NC from AP to start feeling normal again...4/12 is 3 months, i'm halfway there and can only pray every night for strength not to go backwards I believe you are very brave for posting the truth SleekArchitecture..You have more guts than most Edited March 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Well your heart is obviously ruling your actions, while your head is telling you he's poison. Either way, if you miss him, that's up to you. But since you are single, I wouldn't limit my dating options to him. No, I will not keep that option closed, and we do not speak of that, he got really upset when we discussed this once and he hides it now, and we do not speak of it. But, strangely we are in an affair, but I could not be physical with another man while with him, that would be our definitive end if it were to occur. 1
veruca salt Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) My therapist told me this afternoon that it could take 6 months of NC from AP to start feeling normal again...4/12 is 3 months, i'm halfway there and can only pray every night for strength not to go backwards I believe you are very brave for posting the truth SleekArchitecture..You have more guts than most Sadly it took me over 2 years to start feeling normal again, I hope you can move on faster than I did but I have no good feelings for xmm, I'm very sure he feels the same about me Edited March 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
obtuseedge Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 No, I will not keep that option closed, and we do not speak of that, he got really upset when we discussed this once and he hides it now, and we do not speak of it. But, strangely we are in an affair, but I could not be physical with another man while with him, that would be our definitive end if it were to occur. He's obviously greedy and selfish, he has no qualms holding you captive. It's one thing to carry on an affair with you, but to expect you to pass your whole life away just simply as his devoted side woman is extremely selfish. If your emotional ties attach you to him, that's your choice. But you should actively look for other men to date to "get over" him. Then you can probably cut ties more easily.
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 He's obviously greedy and selfish, he has no qualms holding you captive. It's one thing to carry on an affair with you, but to expect you to pass your whole life away just simply as his devoted side woman is extremely selfish. If your emotional ties attach you to him, that's your choice. But you should actively look for other men to date to "get over" him. Then you can probably cut ties more easily. Thanks Obtuse, unfortunately it is me keeping myself held captive. It would be easier if it were him. 1
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