SalchiPapa Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Hi All... I will try to keep this a short as possible. My gf and I have been together almost 2 years and for the most part get along pretty well. We met about 5 years ago and obviously started off as friends and slowly became more. She's a wonderful, caring and loving person and if it wasn't for the big issue at hand I don't think anything would stop us from spending our lives together. We are at a crossroad about having a baby together. She has one and I have two. She wants one more and I am almost sure that I don't. I am 48 and she is 29. Yes, I am well aware of the difference in age - and most people know that has not been a concern of ours. She knew from the beginning that I was pretty much done in that department and she was pretty sure that she wanted one more. Well, we didn't heed the obvious that maybe we shouldn't get involved. In most ways we are so compatible and always find resolutions to problems that arise but unfortunately with this issue there really isn't a way to compromise. The other big issue is that she is legally married to her baby's father. She married him just before we became a couple to help him with his residency. I was aware of that prior to us becoming a couple but didn't think much of it at the time. She did it to so he can be here for their child. There's also other issues in her life but they aren't big like this. I bring very little drama to the table as I am divorced and get along with my ex-wife. I am financially stable and have been told that I am level-headed and have good judgement (although some will argue that due to the position I am in now). Her mother told her that she should just be happy with the one she has and be happy with me. I treat her like gold she says. Plus, with all her nieces and nephews around there's plenty of kids for her child to play with. So now we are the verge of losing our relationship because of the baby issue. There have been times recently where I actually did consider having a baby with her but they pass fast when I start to think about everything. In addition to not wanting to be an older dad again I also think about her still being married. She thinks she is going to divorce soon but the process for her baby's dad become a legal resident takes time. She doesn't seem to think there's a problem getting pregnant while she still married but I do. Her baby's father and I had a confrontation once and he wasn't very happy with me to say the least. I don't want to put myself at risk because of him. Even the most rational people are crazy. I don't want to envision my life without her but I don't think having a baby "just to keep her" is the best thing to do either.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Hmm I thought that marrying someone for residency is a crime that you can get in trouble for? I think you're being rational, knocking her up while she's married to another guy (even if for different reasons) is pretty weird. Maybe you guys need to sort through your expectations? 1
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 She thinks she is going to divorce soon but the process for her baby's dad become a legal resident takes time. This is illegal. Do the residency people know that they are separated, and that she's been with someone else for 2 years? She "thinks" she's going to divorce soon? She should not "think". If she's insistent on cheating the residency system she should at least know the timetable. Yes I think you've got some serious issues here dude.
Redhead14 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Hi All... I will try to keep this a short as possible. My gf and I have been together almost 2 years and for the most part get along pretty well. We met about 5 years ago and obviously started off as friends and slowly became more. She's a wonderful, caring and loving person and if it wasn't for the big issue at hand I don't think anything would stop us from spending our lives together. We are at a crossroad about having a baby together. She has one and I have two. She wants one more and I am almost sure that I don't. I am 48 and she is 29. Yes, I am well aware of the difference in age - and most people know that has not been a concern of ours. She knew from the beginning that I was pretty much done in that department and she was pretty sure that she wanted one more. Well, we didn't heed the obvious that maybe we shouldn't get involved. In most ways we are so compatible and always find resolutions to problems that arise but unfortunately with this issue there really isn't a way to compromise. The other big issue is that she is legally married to her baby's father. She married him just before we became a couple to help him with his residency. I was aware of that prior to us becoming a couple but didn't think much of it at the time. She did it to so he can be here for their child. There's also other issues in her life but they aren't big like this. I bring very little drama to the table as I am divorced and get along with my ex-wife. I am financially stable and have been told that I am level-headed and have good judgement (although some will argue that due to the position I am in now). Her mother told her that she should just be happy with the one she has and be happy with me. I treat her like gold she says. Plus, with all her nieces and nephews around there's plenty of kids for her child to play with. So now we are the verge of losing our relationship because of the baby issue. There have been times recently where I actually did consider having a baby with her but they pass fast when I start to think about everything. In addition to not wanting to be an older dad again I also think about her still being married. She thinks she is going to divorce soon but the process for her baby's dad become a legal resident takes time. She doesn't seem to think there's a problem getting pregnant while she still married but I do. Her baby's father and I had a confrontation once and he wasn't very happy with me to say the least. I don't want to put myself at risk because of him. Even the most rational people are crazy. I don't want to envision my life without her but I don't think having a baby "just to keep her" is the best thing to do either. You know the answer . . . don't do it. You two weren't on the same page from the very beginning. You have not changed your stance in all this time. If she is telling you that she is going to leave the relationship because you don't want a baby with her, let her go. This is manipulation Period. If the relationship is going to fall apart over this, then the relationship is broken anyway. 2
Author SalchiPapa Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 I'd like to stick to the topic. None of us wear halos above our heads - especially when we do our taxes. Thanks for the replies
Author SalchiPapa Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 You know the answer . . . don't do it. You two weren't on the same page from the very beginning. You have not changed your stance in all this time. If she is telling you that she is going to leave the relationship because you don't want a baby with her, let her go. This is manipulation Period. If the relationship is going to fall apart over this, then the relationship is broken anyway. Thank you.
preraph Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 You need to be using your own birth control and not let her get pregnant on you. If she wanted to be divorced, she'd be divorced. She may just be trying to collect baby daddies so she can get more government aide if she's in the US.
Author SalchiPapa Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 You need to be using your own birth control and not let her get pregnant on you. If she wanted to be divorced, she'd be divorced. She may just be trying to collect baby daddies so she can get more government aide if she's in the US. Yes, birth control has always been used. Yes, she could divorce him prior to the completion of the dad's papers but she wants to make sure that he will be HERE to help pay for their child. If he goes then who's going to help? She's not here just to make babies or collect "baby daddies"...She has a good job and doesn't need government assistance. She pays all her own bills.
StarsOnFire Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Do not have a baby if you do not want another baby. Your reasons are legit for not wanting another child, and you've been honest from the start. Also, if she does get pregnant, you need to check your state laws on if her current husband would automatically be listed on the birth certificate and what you would need to do to be on it. If she hasn't even started the divorce yet, you should also check your state laws on divorce, as it could take a good year to finalize. If you would be waiting on that to happen before trying for a child. So that'd add onto your age, & your concern with being an older father. But in the end, I think it'd be a bad decision to have a baby in this relationship if you are not 100% agreed. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 She has a good job and doesn't need government assistance. She pays all her own bills. So why does she need to break the law in order to keep her ex in the country to pay child support?
Diezel Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Simplify it. Do you want to have a kid? If no, then don't do it. End of story. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 This is entire situation is a train wreck. Don't further complicate it. It's not in the BABY's best interest to be born into this with a father that isn't chomping at the bit to be a bio father again. 1
badpenny Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Leaving aside the legal implications and questions for a moment, as a woman, believe me, I can understand where she's coming from. I cannot begin to describe the hormonal desperation, urgency and desire to have a child. Without being patronising, I can honestly say I don't think any man can experience such a desire to the same depth, in the same way. It becomes a physical, psychological desperate need, and nothing but a pregnancy can stem it. No amount of logic, reason, rational thought, discussion or argument can sway a woman from her personal biological quest to bear a child. I know, I went through it. Boy, it's one of the toughest episodes I've ever experienced. BUT: The answer is simple. You make a baby because you really, really really want one. Not because someone else does. You're already a father. I think, taking your age/maturity into consideration, your family is enough. I'm with you on this one. THis won't be your child in the sense of being a voluntary, happy planned pregnancy. You may see it growing up as a millstone round your neck, tying you to something you never wanted, and resent it. I'm sure you would deny the above, and emphatically state that this would never happen, you'd love it just like the others.... Trouble is, right now you may say that, but you honestly don't know. What if it has an unforeseen handicap? Most are unpredictable and come as a shock. Don't ever have a child to make someone else happy, keep the peace, for the quiet life, because of blackmail, emotional threats or coercion. if you cannot see yourself fathering another child, then don't do it. It's grossly unfair to try to corner you into giving her a baby, and I would seriously urge you to stand your ground, and keep your powder dry. Let her threaten, cajole, coerce, beg plead, entreat, all she likes. Stick to 'No, I'm sorry, I can't do it." And don't. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 No, no, nope. You already know you don't want another child. That is not something that can be compromised on, in my opinion. It's not fair to you, her or the potential future child. 1
No Limit Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 The situation is bad and shady at best for raising a child. No, absolutely don't have a child with that woman. 1
preraph Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Yes, birth control has always been used. Yes, she could divorce him prior to the completion of the dad's papers but she wants to make sure that he will be HERE to help pay for their child. If he goes then who's going to help? She's not here just to make babies or collect "baby daddies"...She has a good job and doesn't need government assistance. She pays all her own bills. If he's in the US, he will have to be near the child and make support payments by law. If you want to share child custody, you are not allowed to move far away. The custody money in the US comes through the government and they see to getting it from him. So sounds to me she's making some excuses.
Author SalchiPapa Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 So why does she need to break the law in order to keep her ex in the country to pay child support? We all have broken the law for something we feel is important. She doesn't want him here in this country for the sole purpose of paying child support. She also wants him here to be a part of her child's life. As a parent i understand that and would do what it takes if I was in that situation. It's not only about the money
Author SalchiPapa Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Leaving aside the legal implications and questions for a moment, as a woman, believe me, I can understand where she's coming from. I cannot begin to describe the hormonal desperation, urgency and desire to have a child. Without being patronising, I can honestly say I don't think any man can experience such a desire to the same depth, in the same way. It becomes a physical, psychological desperate need, and nothing but a pregnancy can stem it. No amount of logic, reason, rational thought, discussion or argument can sway a woman from her personal biological quest to bear a child. I know, I went through it. Boy, it's one of the toughest episodes I've ever experienced. Thank you for your input. And yes, since I am not a woman I will never know!
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