frigginlost Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) It's been just over 4 months since I was dumped by my ex girlfriend that I tried to work it out with after she cheated. She cheated on me a year into the relationship, but I decided to try to work it out. 9 months later she lied to me about plans she had one evening and instead went on a date with a "friend" without telling me. We have been in LC since she dumped me and it was only two months ago that I found out about the date. She tried to come back to me in January, but I wanted no part of it, as the guy she went on the date with was in her words "someone she did not see a future with" although they continued to date for about two months after she dumped me. She told me at that time that they broke up at the end of December. I stayed strong. Over the last two weeks, through LC she was sending signals that she wanted to reconnect. Started following me on social media etc. I was not sure of my feelings and remained NC over those 2 weeks. Yesterday we communicated for the first time. She was being friendly, but something seemed off. I asked if she wanted to go to lunch and she accepted immediately. I don't know how to explain it, but my gut was telling me I'm being manipulated by her and she's trying to string me along. Perhaps her cheating and lying to me in the past triggered my defenses? So I flat out asked her if she was dating someone. She responded yes. I asked if it was the guy she went on the date with while we were still together. She responded yes. Here is where I'm needing some support. I have never called her a name, never have been demeaning to her, and always understanding. But when she told me that, I absolutely unleashed via email to her on what a manipulative cheating piece of crap she is. I absolutely hate her right now, yet I feel guilty for lashing out as I'm usually a level headed guy. There is a piece of my that feels relieved that I called her out. But I just don't know if it's normal what I did. Thanks folks. Any thoughts? Edited March 27, 2015 by frigginlost 1
todreaminblue Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 good people have bad days... you feel guilt because you are a good person who got cheated on and she continues to try and play you,and so you lashed out...its not how you normally would want to react, you lost control and guilt sets in.......again good people have bad days too.... she likes to multiple date obviously...even when supposedly serious about you...and thats not what you want...so dont deviate from what you want in life...let her go... go full no contact...and find someone who appreciates you and as a good person finding another good person who wants the same as you.....makes sense that you will have less bad days with less lashing out.....more happiness less guilt my suggestion is pop an email out to her....apologise for what you said and say goodbye, let her know you no longer wish to stay in contact and wish her well.........it will relieve the guilt...and move on full no contact...find your happiness....best wishes..deb 4
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 It's been just over 4 months since I was dumped by my ex girlfriend that I tried to work it out with after she cheated. She cheated on me a year into the relationship, but I decided to try to work it out. 9 months later she lied to me about plans she had one evening and instead went on a date with a "friend" without telling me. We have been in LC since she dumped me and it was only two months ago that I found out about the date. She tried to come back to me in January, but I wanted no part of it, as the guy she went on the date with was in her words "someone she did not see a future with" although they continued to date for about two months after she dumped me. She told me at that time that they broke up at the end of December. I stayed strong. Over the last two weeks, through LC she was sending signals that she wanted to reconnect. Started following me on social media etc. I was not sure of my feelings and remained NC over those 2 weeks. Yesterday we communicated for the first time. She was being friendly, but something seemed off. I asked if she wanted to go to lunch and she accepted immediately. I don't know how to explain it, but my gut was telling me I'm being manipulated by her and she's trying to string me along. Perhaps her cheating and lying to me in the past triggered my defenses? So I flat out asked her if she was dating someone. She responded yes. I asked if it was the guy she went on the date with while we were still together. She responded yes. Here is where I'm needing some support. I have never called her a name, never have been demeaning to her, and always understanding. But when she told me that, I absolutely unleashed via email to her on what a manipulative cheating piece of crap she is. I absolutely hate her right now, yet I feel guilty for lashing out as I'm usually a level headed guy. There is a piece of my that feels relieved that I called her out. But I just don't know if it's normal what I did. Thanks folks. Any thoughts? Never settle! Because you are going to get attached either way... It is better to take a risk with someone who fits your criteria than someone who doesn't. Because in the end, both hurt the same. 2
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 What is 'normal' is a matter of opinion and whats done is done. *No contact in either direction. No sending, no receiving, no replies. Block every means she could use to contact you. *No indirect contact via third parties. *Unfriend or delete her from all social media. No monitoring of her activity.on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. Total detox. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I am absolutely 100% not intending to put you down or anything, but this is why NC vs LC is essential. If you had been NC, you wouldn't have found out about her still seeing this guy she's lied to you about, and you wouldn't be upset by it. So start today as Day 1 of true NC and move on. For the record though, I don't think that you e-mailing her an angry response was out of line. It sounds like an appropriate reaction to finding out that she has been lying to you about seeing the same guy who was the reason why you broke up in the first place. And you aren't done with being upset by it, I'd guess. Which is OK, and don't beat yourself up. There's nothing wrong with showing people that there are consequences to their actions. She lied, and it hurt you, so you sent an angry e-mail. Call it good, and if you write any more, just don't send them. You'd be hard pressed to find someone on here who hasn't lashed out at their ex, I know I sure have. 3
Author frigginlost Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Thanks folks. I sent a brief email stating that I was consumed with guilt in how I reacted and the things I said. I apologized, told her I no longer wish to communicate with her, wished her good luck, said goodbye, and then promptly blocked her from every form of communication known to man. Time to find someone more like me. I tell you though, I had never in my existence used the words "you are dead to me" before lashing out at her. I still can't believe I said that. Yes, what she has put me through from the cheating with one guy, to the date with another behind my back, to the manipulation, to the lies, to making me the bad guy with all our mutual friends, sucks bad. But what sucks more is coming to terms with knowing you can't change a person. Only they can. No matter how supportive you try to be. I just can't get over all the lies from her regarding us. The "I've never loved someone like I love you". The "You're my soulmate" talk. All just empty words. I should have walked away a year and a half ago when she first cheated. But I've always tried to see the best in someone. Time to let NC do its magic. Thanks again 4
ZiggyZoo Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I just read a quote that has helped me a lot when I get sad about what MY ex said about wanting to be there for me, and how he loved me, and all that. I don't remember it exactly, but it was along the lines of how someone may love you, but your definition of love and their definition of love may not be the same. In my case, to me it meant communicating when problems arose in the relationship and trying to work on them, and my ex had no concept of this and so he bailed when the going got tough. Do I think he loved me? Yes, but not in the way I needed. Same for you, your ex may very well have loved you, but not in the way YOU needed. Just something to think about. 4
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 One of many definitions of love: "Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person." 2
mammasita Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Um, she's kind of a lying, cheating tramp. Sure name calling is uncalled for, but IMO she deserved every bit of what she got from you. You put up with too much and let her walk all over you. WHY did you do that? Grow some balls, set some boundaries and cut her off completely. She's shown her true colors thrice over. Lesson learned and having a bad day doesn't make you a bad person (as stated above). 2
Riptide91 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 It is nice to see you doing what is best and learning from the people who post advice and your experience. NC will definitely help your situation and in the long run you'll be much happier for it. It sucks what she did to you but you have to come to terms that there is someone out there who is much kinder, trustworthy, and loyal that is meant to have someone like you. This will be hard but in the end you'll realize the pain was worth it. Good luck! 2
Recommended Posts