Recent Breakup, No Contact, Going Crazy. Need perspective

[bluegray]

Hey guys,

 

I’m in need of some guidance; I feel like I’m about to lose my mind and my heart hurts so much. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.

 

Details: We’re both in our early 30s, been dating 3.5 years with our fair share of ups and downs. In the past year, I could sense that my bf was growing more and more impatient, and after a few arguments we've had in the past, he asked for space, which never really materialized because we live together, and we’d just kind of forget about it. He has indicated that he gets spells of severe depression and has anger problems, but generally, is a very loving and devoted boyfriend.

 

The break up: A little over 1.5 weeks ago, we got into a stupid argument which admittedly, was probably my fault. He lost his temper and exploded...he yelled in a voice and a volume I’ve never heard before. It culminated to “I’m done” and he stormed off. I chased after him as he was still fuming, and told him, “I don’t want to be with you either, please calm down. I will get my things and leave.” Once he calmed down we talked for a bit and he said some things that hurt me to the core – incompatibility issues, he can’t see himself being happy continuing on in this cycle, finds it hard to live with me because I’m too clean, etc.. I suppose in an effort to protect myself, I told him that I couldn’t imagine a future with him either due to various issues I have. It was getting late, he went off to bed as I was gathering some belongings. He asked me to stay and to stay as long as I needed. I continued to pack up my stuff. When I went upstairs to get some other stuff and say goodbye, he asked me to sleep there and that my spot was right there, pointing to my side of the bed. I couldn’t do it. He’s told me he was done on several occasions and I’ve never left, we’d just sweep it under the rug. This time, something just clicked and I couldn’t stay.

 

No contact: I decided that it’d be best to go the no contact route, some of the things he said deeply hurt me and just was really damaging to our relationship. I figured it’d be best to try to move on if he was unhappy in the relationship. He texted me the next day, “hey, how are you, I’m pretty down.” I responded similarly and he replied “hang in there.” The following day, he calls me and leaves me a voicemail saying he missed my voice and just wanted to say hi and catch up. He sounded very down and fairly emotional. He called again a few hours later and I did not pick up. There was solid no contact for 7 whole agonizing days.

 

I thought he’d, at the very least, apologize for exploding and yelling as I was pretty calm during the fight; typically he’s quick to apologize when he has said or done something hurtful. Yesterday, on the 8th day of NC, he called me and I picked up. He sounded very…exuberant, like, “HEY, hi, how are you? I just wanted to catch up with you.” I was driving with a friend and told him I couldn’t talk, to which he said, “oh ok, no problem, we can talk later tonight or tomorrow.” I was unclear on whether I was supposed to call or if he was going to call. He hasn’t called since. I’m continuing on in NC.

 

I feel pretty wretched today and so tempted to go over there and do something I’ll regret. I’m not sure if NC is the right way to go, I’m afraid it’s sending the message that I’m over it and don’t want to talk to him. I guess I’m looking for a grand gesture on his part, or even an apology for his crazy angry outburst…just something beyond “Hey, I wanted to catch up with you.” I should know better, though, because grand gestures are just not his style. Why would there be such a gesture if he broke up with me, right? I guess I just wanted some perspective….is NC the right thing to do given our situation? Should I make more of an effort to communicate with him? Is it really over? I still have so much stuff at his place which I’m sure I’ll collect at a later date. I’m really struggling to stay strong and feel so heartbroken and empty.

[PegNosePete]

Look, what is your objective here? Do you want to re-establish the relationship, or do you want to heal and move forward? That is what you need to figure out before you do anything. Don't have any kind of contact with him until you figure that out.

[bluegray]

Id like to re establish the relationship but I want him to initiate. I feel he's pushed me away a few times which has left me feeling very insecure about our relationship. I'm in NC because as far as our last conversation went, it's over. Just confused I guess...and his wanting to "catch up" throws me for a loop as its only been 1.5 weeks.

[PegNosePete]

You can't make someone do something they don't want to.

 

If you want to re-establish the relationship then you need to talk to him. Let him know how you feel, and see if he feels the same. That includes how you feel about him putting in the effort, apologising for his outburst, and (most importantly) letting him know that it must never happen again. Because an apology without change is worthless.

 

I would give him a call (not text) to discuss this. But you NEED to be prepared to walk away if you're not feeling that he's 100% committed to making it work.

[bluegray]

Thanks PNP, I really appreciate your insight.

 

My reticence to contact him is due to the fact that he broke up with me in a fit of anger. I figured giving him space, which he has asked for in the past, would give him time to reflect on our relationship and ultimately miss me as I felt taken for granted. I think that he resents and blames me for a lot of his unhappiness because I'm the only person he spends time with, day in and day out. I encouraged him to hang out with his friends and do other things but he never did.

I feel like I'm always the one who mended things and stuck around when things got sticky and I want him to show me that he truly cares for our relationship. Are his attempts to reach out and "catch up" his way of telling me he cares or are they just merely post break-up breadcrumbs he's tossing my way?

[PegNosePete]

Space does not fix relationships. Communication does.

 

Yes they sound like breadcrumbs. But there's only one way to know for sure. Talk to him, find out how he feels, and let him know that if he wants to fix the relationship he is going to have to put in effort and pull his weight as well as you.

 

I think more than likely after the phone call you will feel that he's not committed to fixing the relationship. I don't think he will give you the responses that you want. If that's the case then you will at least be out of limbo and better able to NC properly and move on with your life. You need to be ready to walk away if you don't like what he's saying or if you feel he's not 100% committed to making it work. That means actively putting in effort to make it work, not just going along with your efforts

[ExpatInItaly]

Agree with PegNosePete. Be prepared to not hear the things you want, but go into such a discussion with an open mind. You said that after you both calmed down, he still said some things which indicated he doesn't want to be in this relationship any more. That didn't come out of nowhere. The only way forward is knowing whether or not he's willing to work on those issues with you. That is what needs to be discussed at this point, and I wouldn't even be willing to consider a reconciliation unless and until a real plan for tackling these issues was put into place.

 

The phone calls could be his way of reaching out. But they could also be ways of assuring himself that you're not falling apart, thus easing his guilt of breaking up with you.

 

I understand that you want an apology (which isn't unreasonable) but it's important to realize it may never come. Even if it does, it might not be attached to an offer of reconciliation. Either way, a discussion is the only way to clear it up and decide where to go next.

[bluegray]

Thanks Expat and PNP for your thoughtful replies.

 

Once I am more composed and not an emotional wreck, I will reach out to him.

 

Thanks again...