blind_otter Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 I just got a subpoena from the court to make a deposition regarding my ex and it makes me so angry that I needed to vent. I can't believe that it all had to end the way it did. I had plenty of opportunities to get out of that relationship with my dignity intact, and I could have, especially at the end. Looking back, with 20/20 hindsight, I can say that he gave me so many signs -- signs I could pick out with a hawk's eye now -- that HE didn't want to be with me, didn't want the kind of life that I had to offer him. He always managed to remind me of all the faults that I had, and none of the good parts. I seem to have more than a few people like that in my life. Maybe that's the kind of person that I seek to re-affirm an innate low sense of self-esteem. And ironically I know exactly what caused this. In any case, what violence he inflicted on me, in the end, could have been averted by the very victim upon which it was perpotrated. Me. I could have stopped everything from coming to a head. I knew he had a drug problem. I knew he had been to prison before I met him. I knew he had a "bad" past, but honestly I wanted to be the kind of person who could look past that. Unfortunately that compassion actually did me a disservice because it blinded me to the defects in his character which should have immediately alerted me to his true nature. But then again, can I say that he is such a bad person? He seems, above all, simply unable or UNCAPABLE of the mental processes that the rest of us, with a moral concept and an internal compass pointing to right and wrong as necessary, take for granted. He seemed to struggle with what I considered simple concepts. But he exceled at the worst things -- at deception, at degredation, at abuse and cruelty. He was a supremely shallow man, with few physical defects. He was so hard to read. He seemed capable of the kindest gestures in one breath and in the next, the harshest abandonment. Ultimately I have to come to grips with the fact that he chose to come to my house that day when I wouldn't answer the phone. But I answered the door. He shoved the door in and threw me into the wall. He rushed past me and attacked my friend, who was laying on the couch in front of the fireplace, and wrapped his hand around my friend's throat, and I ran into the room crying and screaming "NO, STOP!" and then my dog attacked him and he stopped. And then my friend said that he was going to call the police. And my ex was so pissed because he still looked on me as HIS property, even though he had left me, he had two, TWO other girlfriends, he left me when I was pregnant with his baby and when I was in the emergency room miscarrying our baby. He abandoned ME, and yet he wouldn't let me go. And then my ex ran off, and drove away, and the cops came and I had to stay at other people's houses and be paranoid. I hate talking to the lawyers and the police. And now I have this stupid "history" that I can't f*cking shake. Men I talk to and meet react with pity and a little bit of disgust when they hear about this stupid legal crap I have to go through. I have to be single until I get through all this sh*t, reality check, but you know I enjoy my stupid, inane little flings because they are like a drug, because I can't do drugs any more, so I hang out briefly with attractive and novel men to forget for a while about the reality of my life. Bah. I feel better now. I just want all this stuff to be over with.
Author blind_otter Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Also I am afraid that he is going to try and defend this in court and say he was living with me. He wasn't. But he is probably going to try to say that. He is desperate to not go to prison, I know that. And I am TERRIFIED that he will not go to prison. I will move, I will move across the country to run away from him if he doesn't go to prison.
HoldOn Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Try not to worry. The court will probably take an extremely lenient view on you and a very harsh view on him. What are you going to court for exactly? A protective order or something? I saw some hearings for protective order and the judge was basically like "maybe if you didn't beat women I'd listen to your side of the story" kind of thing. But if you're going to a deposition, no judge will be there, just your lawyer and his lawyer. Try not to let the quesitons get to you. This is not your fault, just tell it straight. And now I have this stupid "history" that I can't f*cking shake. Men I talk to and meet react with pity and a little bit of disgust when they hear about this stupid legal crap I have to go through. I kinda sorta know what you mean. I had to sue my last ex for money ($20,000) that he owed me and I certainly didn't want my current bf to know about it. Because I thought it made me sound like a loon. I ended up telling him about 1-month after we started dating. Do men find out about your "history" or do you tell them? Probably best not to talk about it at first.
Weird Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I am sure the "flings" you say you have now are just great for you maturing as a human being since as you say, they are like a drug for you. :rollseyes: I'd love to help you get your life totally together but only you can do that for yourself.
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn Try not to worry. The court will probably take an extremely lenient view on you and a very harsh view on him. What are you going to court for exactly? A protective order or something? I saw some hearings for protective order and the judge was basically like "maybe if you didn't beat women I'd listen to your side of the story" kind of thing. I'm going to make a deposition regarding criminal proceedings. He was charged with burglary with battery for breaking into my house and I count as a witness. On top of that he was also charged with robbery and felony posession of cocaine. At this point he is trying to play a numbers game and just get his sentance reduced as much as possible. If he can somehow prove that we were living together, he will get the burglary charge taken off and they will probably shave some time off his sentence. What kills me is that the state attorney said, if it goes to trial, that this will be more about our relationship and my character being on trial than anything else. And I didn't even WANT to press charges, my friend Mr. T did.
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by Weird I am sure the "flings" you say you have now are just great for you maturing as a human being since as you say, they are like a drug for you. :rollseyes: I'd love to help you get your life totally together but only you can do that for yourself. I don't remember ASKING you, of all people, or anyone for that matter, to "help me get my life together". That would be a stupid mistake on top of a heap of other stupid mistakes. You have yet to offer anything constructive to me. I just wanted to VENT. And what is my maturation process to you? Why the f*ck do you care and why the f*ck is it your business?
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by Weird I am sure the "flings" you say you have now are just great for you maturing as a human being since as you say, they are like a drug for you. :rollseyes: I'd love to help you get your life totally together but only you can do that for yourself. I apologize if the above sounded too harsh, but honestly, how is rolling your eyes at someone and tsk-tsk-ing them while you shake you finger at them, constructive?? How does that convey anything but your own personal issues and bitterness? I even said in the title that I was venting about my ex, and at the end of my first post I went on to say how I felt better after i did that, and all you did was try to make me feel bad about myself. I wish I was perfect, but unfortunatley I am not. I also have the courage to admit it, and admit my weaknesses openly, which very few people have the courage to do.
Illusion24 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 B_O I wish I can tell you something that will make you feel better or safer but the reality is...what you're going through is very hard. No one enjoys being abused but I will tell you, make sure you have all the evidence you need or can get. You're safety comes first and if you have a family member or a friend you can stay with or they stay with you, it would probably help you sleep better at night. He seems like he has so many issues from his past, and he probably couldn't stand the fact that the love he felt for you was so strong and the only way he knows how to show emotions is through anger. His attack was "probably" to do the fact he couldn't love you the way he should. You have a good heart, if you meet other guys, it's really none of their business what it is you're going through now because of your past...Unless of course they can help, which they can't. Don't let this creature ruin your sparky personality, which I've seen here on LS, put your head up and realize you were abused and you're actually doing something about it. Most just stay quite until something really bad happens. Good Luck I will pray for you
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever Good Luck I will pray for you Thanks, NSN. My life, since last September when I first found out I was pregnant with my ex's baby, has been really tough, emotionally. This is one of those instances where I really just needed someone to listen to me vent. He never lived with me, he would stay with me for 2-3 days at a time and then go off on coke or crack binges. His toothbrush there was one that I bought for him to use whenever he stayed with me, because he had one at his mom's house, too. I cared about him a lot. Too much, more than he deserved. I wanted to be the reason that he lived a good life. But I could never be that for him, I could never be enough. Part of my inability to have a real relationship right now, and my desire for having those "flings" is that I have horribly low self-esteem from the abusive relationship, from my past history of sexual and physical abuse, the fact that I couldn't be enough for a f*cking crackhead ex-convict to want to clean up his life and live "right". I don't even live "right", per se....I live OK. I still smoke weed, I still drink occassionally and goof around with friends. I keep asking myself what it was about me that wasn't enough for him.
Illusion24 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Wow, I feel you. I wanted to be the reason that he lived a good life The only way that was possible is if he wanted to live a good life "with you"...And as you can see that wasn't enough. You need to be with someone who cherishes you and cares for you the way you do when you care for someone. Don't let this guy bring your spirits down, you shouldn't have low self-esteem. I had really low-self esteem when I was younger and you know what helped me?? I realized I was worth something and that God loves me. I would pray everyday if I did just one good deed a day God will repay me. So I try everyday to do a good deed...whether it's for a friend, family member or simply letting a car in during traffic. Do something for yourself!! Find adventure in something and do it, maybe even go away with you know who Just remember you do deserve to be loved...everyone does!!
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 I am just SO not looking forward to giving testimony, my deposition, I don't know how he can think that he can fight this in court, I don't know how he can go to trial? How could he be sitting in jail right now logically thinking that a months long legal process is worth anything? It's not, he just wants to make my life a living hell, make it so I can't move on or find anyone else. He is still trying to control me and my emotions from his f*cking jail cell. Should I get a lawyer? Can I sue him for disrupting my life so much?
moimeme Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I keep asking myself what it was about me that wasn't enough for him. That right there is seriously dysfunctional. The answer is simply that he's not in his right mind. Why ever you would want to be in the good graces of an ex-con, drug addicted abuser is beyond me. However, every now and then you seem to wax nostalgic about this guy and sometimes have sounded like you want him back. My exH is in prison and I guess we will finish the proceedings when he gets out on work release in August. I don't know what we are. He knows about my whole life, who I date, when I date people. He vasciallates between wanting me back and not wanting me back. Right now he is swinging toward the "not wanting me back" side of the pendulum, but lately I just don't care that much. I'm surprised you're in touch with him at all, frankly. It seems you might be still half hooked on this guy. Which is definitely not good.
Illusion24 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 A lawyer is always good. He can tell you whether or not this guy has a chance. But I will tell you this is gonna cost you money.
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme That right there is seriously dysfunctional. The answer is simply that he's not in his right mind. Why ever you would want to be in the good graces of an ex-con, drug addicted abuser is beyond me. However, every now and then you seem to wax nostalgic about this guy and sometimes have sounded like you want him back. I'm surprised you're in touch with him at all, frankly. It seems you might be still half hooked on this guy. Which is definitely not good. No no no, you are getting two different men confused. My exHUSBAND is in federal prison for growing pot, a nonviolent crime. My exBoyfriend, who I dated after splitting up with my exH, is the one who was abusive and addicted to cocaine and crack.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 the fact that I couldn't be enough for a f*cking crackhead ex-convict to want to clean up his life and live "right". I keep asking myself what it was about me that wasn't enough for him. BO, his lack of desire to clean up his life and "live right" had nothing to do with any shortcomings on your part. You know why he didn't want to do those things? Because he's a f*cking crackhead ex-convict! That idiot needed the services of Mother Teresa and an army of nuns. There is a total f*ckup loser in your situation. And it ain't you.
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 thanks,, rd. I feel like a moron about 90% of the time. I have such sh*tty taste in men, same problem. I pick up strays. I want to save them from themselves. I want to show them a better world. It's a stupid philosophy to approach relationships with. My Mom saved my Dad , though. Before he met her he was an alcoholic with a death wish who stayed in combat duty in the military hoping to eventually just die in the service. She showed him a reason to clean up and straighten up. I suppose growing up with that fairy tale made it harder to live normally. I am a wreck today. Snapping at people, sitting here feeling like a schmoe, on the verge of tears. It does make me look bad to have dated so many convicts. It makes me look bad and people blame ME for the shortcomings of my past partners. I suppose I should just learn to be more close-mouthed. Like why am I such a pushover? Why do I have so many bad guys in my past? Why do people think that is somehow a bad reflection on me??
Fallen_Angel Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Why should people blame you for someone else's mistakes? Sounds flat out wrong to me. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly today. There's nothing wrong with wanting to save people, or with wanting to believe there's something good in everyone - even though some people hide their positive attributes very well! I understand what you mean about fairy tales, though. I feel like we're all waiting for the white knight to arrive. Guess mine got really, really lost. Don't cry! ::hugs:: At least we're halfway to the weekend.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 BO, you sound to me like a well-meaning person with a big heart. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try to "save" others -- you sound like that's a part of who you are. But, there are ways to exercise that desire that don't take such a personal toll on you. Try channeling that desire into volunteer work, or a new job. That way you can still be helping to "save" those people, without bringing pain into your life by committing yourself to them on a personal level. Just my $0.02. Hang in there!
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 BO, you sound to me like a well-meaning person with a big heart. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try to "save" others -- you sound like that's a part of who you are. But, there are ways to exercise that desire that don't take such a personal toll on you. Try channeling that desire into volunteer work, or a new job. That way you can still be helping to "save" those people, without bringing pain into your life by committing yourself to them on a personal level. Just my $0.02. Hang in there! You are right. I have been feeling more and more morally stagnant in my life over the past few years. When I was with my exHusband, voer 2 years ago, I did A LOT of volunteer work, everything ranging from working with survivors of sexual abuse and molestation and child abuse, to working with children at a daycare for developmentally disabled kids...I did my internship at a mental hospital for violent severely mentally ill men, I did tutoring for learning disabled community college students, and finally, before I developed epilepsy, I volunteered at hospice. My mom says I should just be one of those highly organized people who schedules every minute of their life. I have a tendency to give way too much until I just poop out and can't handle ti anymore. I have been wanting to go back to school, finish getting my graduate degrees and work in the field of psychology. If I have to save someone, at least it could be someone who has admitted that they want saving.
Recommended Posts