drakewood Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I wanted to share my story about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I'll call him Mark. We met at university, we were in the same friendship group. Mark was the shy, nerdy, awkward scientist guy in our friendship group who never had any luck with girls and never knew what to say. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy at a different university, Patrick, at the time (we were together for seven years in total). I knew Mark fancied me (our mutual friends used to mention it to me) and so I was always a bit careful not to lead him on. But, as we were in the same friendship group, slowly over time, we became friends anyway. We were friends for years after we left university and I used to chat to his brother and visited his family occasionally. I was still in a relationship with Patrick and after university I moved in with him. After a few years Patrick proposed to me and I said yes, but somehow it didn't feel right. I just put it down to the big life change and to nerves. Then, not long after he'd proposed to me, my mother became seriously ill. I expected Patrick to be there and be unconditionally supportive, but he wasn't. He was too busy with work and he said he didn't have any spare time to spend with me to help. I couldn't believe his reaction. Mark stepped up and he went with me and looked after me and was supportive and caring. After my mother died, Patrick and I decided to move abroad together for a year, to have a change and do something different. I was a confused mess and thought it would be a good plan. Instead, I found myself boarding a plane to the other side of the world dreading spending a year with my fiancé Patrick and just wishing I could turn around and go back to Mark, where I felt cared about and loved. During our year living abroad, I broke off my engagement with Patrick and eventually started living on my own. I then moved back to England, found a new job and told Mark I was in love with him. He said he felt the same way. I truly thought this could be a 'happily-ever-after' story. Mark seemed to have liked me for years, I felt like I'd never been so happy with a guy, and wondered why I had let myself stay in my previous relationship for so long. At first it was a dream. He told me he'd liked me for a long time and never wanted to be with anyone else, that he wanted to spend his life with me. I must admit I was a bit surprised, as this felt very early, but in the context of us having been good friends for years, it didn't seem implausible. I definitely became more attached and invested a lot more because he seemed so keen and was pushing the closeness and emotional intimacy, whereas I would naturally have taken it more slowly. Then, after a few months, the problems started cropping up. Mark became distant. He didn't want me to meet his family, although they already knew me as we'd been friends for years. When I told him I didn't want a relationship where he shut me out of parts of his life, he sent me a text saying we should break up. I was devastated and begged him to change his mind. He did and things seemed to calm down again. Then he started doing strange things, we'd be out with my friends and he'd say it was too much for him and he'd have to leave early to spend some time on his own. Or I'd call him and he'd pretend that he was at home on his own, but I could tell from the background noise that he'd gone out with his guy friends to the pub. I tried having really open, honest conversations with him, where I explained that I wasn't restrictive and wanted him to live his own life and the most important thing to me was honesty. It didn't seem to help very much and he wouldn't respond and seemed to be withdrawing from me more and more. He'd cancel on dates, or leave early. He didn't seem to want to spend any time around me. I found it incredibly bizarre and upsetting. I used to challenge him on it and try and talk to him about it, but he'd just shut down. After a while, if our conversations became heated at all, he'd just pick up his rucksack and say he was going to leave because he 'couldn't do this relationship anymore'. He said that when I tried to talk to him, he found me scary. I used to find this really distressing and upsetting and I made sure to always try and talk calmly. However he then started saying that he felt like I was lashing out at him and was emotionally abusive. I found this really upsetting. I kept questioning myself and wondering if I was too needy or emotional, because I'd been through my mum's death and the breakup of a long relationship. After a while, I managed to get a transfer to a company in Europe and thought I'd try working there for six months, just to give myself some time and space. I talked to Mark about it and we agreed we'd see each other every few weeks and it could be a good thing for our relationship to have some time apart. A week before I left England, I had an important exam. I spoke to Mark on the phone the night before and he was really unsupportive. I just lost it and told him that he didn't deserve to be in a relationship with me, he had been treating me badly for months. After my exam finished, he called me and broke up with me. Three days later, he was back in touch again, saying he'd made a big mistake and all that he wanted in his life was me. He came to mine and showered me with flowers and tears and we got back together. I moved to Europe and saw a counsellor who talked to me a lot about how I saw myself and if I had enough self-confidence. I spoke to her a lot about Mark's idea that I'd been emotionally abusive and concluded that actually he struggled with emotionally heated conversations and while I'd been annoyed with him on occasions, that didn't constitute abuse. We had a lot of sessions and it was really helpful. Mark came to visit a lot and at Christmas (just a few months ago) he invited me to his mum's for Christmas. I was overjoyed to spend Christmas with his family and I felt like things had really turned around in our relationship since I'd gone to a counsellor and spent some time away. He spoke to me about engagement rings and even which of his surnames I might take. We started making plans to try living together when I got back to England. By this point we'd been in a relationship for a year and a half and although some of it had been rocky, I felt like it was going much more smoothly and the last few months had been fantastic. He viewed flats and we sat down and discussed our preferences and talked about how we imagined our home to be. Two weeks before we were due to move in together, he changed his mind. He called me, while I was on a work trip, staying in a business hotel with colleagues, to tell me that he couldn't live with me any longer. He said he loved me, but he just couldn't do it, because he felt too scared of me and he 'needed to feel safe in his own home'. I was devastated and also frightened about having nowhere to live (clearly I couldn't crash at my mum's!). I asked him to come and visit me on the next weekend to talk to me and discuss what this meant for our relationship and talk to me face to face rather than doing everything over the phone. He refused. He said he was too scared that I'd be angry and he didn't want to see me just yet. I couldn't believe it. I spent the next week trying to find somewhere to live and once I had I started trying to think about our relationship. I asked him again to come and see me and he wouldn't. When he finally did come, two weeks later, I told him I wasn't sure about the relationship any longer, because he'd treated me so badly over the last couple of weeks. He just sort of accepted that, although he did cry and seem upset and I felt really bad for him. I gave it a couple more weeks and kept thinking about it and finally I said to him, how about we try living near to each other, i.e. in the same area of London and try going to relationship counselling? He refused. He said he'd been too hurt when I said to him that I wasn't sure about the relationship and 'why would I want to live near you'. I again, couldn't believe it. I told him that it was over. I sent his things back to him. He started sending me emails telling me he wanted to be my best friend and I was a really special person, but he'd just found my emotional abuse too difficult. He specified my emotional abuse as times when I'd told him he was horrible, callous towards me and mean to me. I had said those things to him. I found these emails (which were really long) and the message that I was emotionally abusive really difficult to deal with. I haven't seen him now for just over a month. A week ago, I cracked late one night (I wasn't drunk!) and called him up asking if he'd reconsider. He said he missed me, but didn't want to be in a relationship. He said he'd really like to see me and hang out as friends. I felt like an idiot. It seems like such a bad idea to hang out as friends and I've refused. I've found the whole thing incredibly confusing and painful. I still think about him every day and miss his company and affection. I know I did go through a lot, with the constant break ups and my logic tells me that actually he didn't treat me very well and then tried to blame me for any problems. However, I do keep doubting myself and wondering what I could have done differently. Then my feelings tip towards anger for the way he treated me. Any thoughts would be really nice and helpful. I just want to try and get some of my feelings about all this out and make sense of my story! I'm living alone in a houseshare now, with people I don't really know, feeling quite lonely and sad, and wondering how my decisions have got me to this point in my life. I still can't understand his reactions and most responses from girlfriends tend to be that he's clearly bad for me and treated me badly and I'm lucky to be out of the relationship sooner than later. I just feel like I've lost the love of my life but I can't understand why. I also feel angry that after all those years of unrequited love from his side, we finally got together, only for him to treat me this way. However it would be so great to get other people's points of view ... what was happening here?
ZiggyZoo Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 He sounds like he might be emotionally unavailable, and not able to actually work in a committed relationship. The hot and cold, where he will push you away then talk engagement rings jumped out at me. These guys have a status quo that they like to maintain, and will do this to keep things in their comfort zone. Or claim you're emotionally abusing him, to give an excuse to bail...I'd recommend heading over to "Baggage Reclaim" which is a fantastic blog, dealing with these type of guys. I may be way off, but she has a list of characteristics that may help you diagnose him. And she's proved invaluable to me in helping me to deal with the misplaced feelings of guilt and low self-esteem that I had from getting dumped by my ex, who was very much emotionally unavailable. Shoot, she's got good advice in general.
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I wanted to share my story about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I'll call him Mark. We met at university, we were in the same friendship group. Mark was the shy, nerdy, awkward scientist guy in our friendship group who never had any luck with girls and never knew what to say. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy at a different university, Patrick, at the time (we were together for seven years in total). I knew Mark fancied me (our mutual friends used to mention it to me) and so I was always a bit careful not to lead him on. But, as we were in the same friendship group, slowly over time, we became friends anyway. We were friends for years after we left university and I used to chat to his brother and visited his family occasionally. I was still in a relationship with Patrick and after university I moved in with him. After a few years Patrick proposed to me and I said yes, but somehow it didn't feel right. I just put it down to the big life change and to nerves. Then, not long after he'd proposed to me, my mother became seriously ill. I expected Patrick to be there and be unconditionally supportive, but he wasn't. He was too busy with work and he said he didn't have any spare time to spend with me to help. I couldn't believe his reaction. Mark stepped up and he went with me and looked after me and was supportive and caring. After my mother died, Patrick and I decided to move abroad together for a year, to have a change and do something different. I was a confused mess and thought it would be a good plan. Instead, I found myself boarding a plane to the other side of the world dreading spending a year with my fiancé Patrick and just wishing I could turn around and go back to Mark, where I felt cared about and loved. During our year living abroad, I broke off my engagement with Patrick and eventually started living on my own. I then moved back to England, found a new job and told Mark I was in love with him. He said he felt the same way. I truly thought this could be a 'happily-ever-after' story. Mark seemed to have liked me for years, I felt like I'd never been so happy with a guy, and wondered why I had let myself stay in my previous relationship for so long. At first it was a dream. He told me he'd liked me for a long time and never wanted to be with anyone else, that he wanted to spend his life with me. I must admit I was a bit surprised, as this felt very early, but in the context of us having been good friends for years, it didn't seem implausible. I definitely became more attached and invested a lot more because he seemed so keen and was pushing the closeness and emotional intimacy, whereas I would naturally have taken it more slowly. Then, after a few months, the problems started cropping up. Mark became distant. He didn't want me to meet his family, although they already knew me as we'd been friends for years. When I told him I didn't want a relationship where he shut me out of parts of his life, he sent me a text saying we should break up. I was devastated and begged him to change his mind. He did and things seemed to calm down again. Then he started doing strange things, we'd be out with my friends and he'd say it was too much for him and he'd have to leave early to spend some time on his own. Or I'd call him and he'd pretend that he was at home on his own, but I could tell from the background noise that he'd gone out with his guy friends to the pub. I tried having really open, honest conversations with him, where I explained that I wasn't restrictive and wanted him to live his own life and the most important thing to me was honesty. It didn't seem to help very much and he wouldn't respond and seemed to be withdrawing from me more and more. He'd cancel on dates, or leave early. He didn't seem to want to spend any time around me. I found it incredibly bizarre and upsetting. I used to challenge him on it and try and talk to him about it, but he'd just shut down. After a while, if our conversations became heated at all, he'd just pick up his rucksack and say he was going to leave because he 'couldn't do this relationship anymore'. He said that when I tried to talk to him, he found me scary. I used to find this really distressing and upsetting and I made sure to always try and talk calmly. However he then started saying that he felt like I was lashing out at him and was emotionally abusive. I found this really upsetting. I kept questioning myself and wondering if I was too needy or emotional, because I'd been through my mum's death and the breakup of a long relationship. After a while, I managed to get a transfer to a company in Europe and thought I'd try working there for six months, just to give myself some time and space. I talked to Mark about it and we agreed we'd see each other every few weeks and it could be a good thing for our relationship to have some time apart. A week before I left England, I had an important exam. I spoke to Mark on the phone the night before and he was really unsupportive. I just lost it and told him that he didn't deserve to be in a relationship with me, he had been treating me badly for months. After my exam finished, he called me and broke up with me. Three days later, he was back in touch again, saying he'd made a big mistake and all that he wanted in his life was me. He came to mine and showered me with flowers and tears and we got back together. I moved to Europe and saw a counsellor who talked to me a lot about how I saw myself and if I had enough self-confidence. I spoke to her a lot about Mark's idea that I'd been emotionally abusive and concluded that actually he struggled with emotionally heated conversations and while I'd been annoyed with him on occasions, that didn't constitute abuse. We had a lot of sessions and it was really helpful. Mark came to visit a lot and at Christmas (just a few months ago) he invited me to his mum's for Christmas. I was overjoyed to spend Christmas with his family and I felt like things had really turned around in our relationship since I'd gone to a counsellor and spent some time away. He spoke to me about engagement rings and even which of his surnames I might take. We started making plans to try living together when I got back to England. By this point we'd been in a relationship for a year and a half and although some of it had been rocky, I felt like it was going much more smoothly and the last few months had been fantastic. He viewed flats and we sat down and discussed our preferences and talked about how we imagined our home to be. Two weeks before we were due to move in together, he changed his mind. He called me, while I was on a work trip, staying in a business hotel with colleagues, to tell me that he couldn't live with me any longer. He said he loved me, but he just couldn't do it, because he felt too scared of me and he 'needed to feel safe in his own home'. I was devastated and also frightened about having nowhere to live (clearly I couldn't crash at my mum's!). I asked him to come and visit me on the next weekend to talk to me and discuss what this meant for our relationship and talk to me face to face rather than doing everything over the phone. He refused. He said he was too scared that I'd be angry and he didn't want to see me just yet. I couldn't believe it. I spent the next week trying to find somewhere to live and once I had I started trying to think about our relationship. I asked him again to come and see me and he wouldn't. When he finally did come, two weeks later, I told him I wasn't sure about the relationship any longer, because he'd treated me so badly over the last couple of weeks. He just sort of accepted that, although he did cry and seem upset and I felt really bad for him. I gave it a couple more weeks and kept thinking about it and finally I said to him, how about we try living near to each other, i.e. in the same area of London and try going to relationship counselling? He refused. He said he'd been too hurt when I said to him that I wasn't sure about the relationship and 'why would I want to live near you'. I again, couldn't believe it. I told him that it was over. I sent his things back to him. He started sending me emails telling me he wanted to be my best friend and I was a really special person, but he'd just found my emotional abuse too difficult. He specified my emotional abuse as times when I'd told him he was horrible, callous towards me and mean to me. I had said those things to him. I found these emails (which were really long) and the message that I was emotionally abusive really difficult to deal with. I haven't seen him now for just over a month. A week ago, I cracked late one night (I wasn't drunk!) and called him up asking if he'd reconsider. He said he missed me, but didn't want to be in a relationship. He said he'd really like to see me and hang out as friends. I felt like an idiot. It seems like such a bad idea to hang out as friends and I've refused. I've found the whole thing incredibly confusing and painful. I still think about him every day and miss his company and affection. I know I did go through a lot, with the constant break ups and my logic tells me that actually he didn't treat me very well and then tried to blame me for any problems. However, I do keep doubting myself and wondering what I could have done differently. Then my feelings tip towards anger for the way he treated me. Any thoughts would be really nice and helpful. I just want to try and get some of my feelings about all this out and make sense of my story! I'm living alone in a houseshare now, with people I don't really know, feeling quite lonely and sad, and wondering how my decisions have got me to this point in my life. I still can't understand his reactions and most responses from girlfriends tend to be that he's clearly bad for me and treated me badly and I'm lucky to be out of the relationship sooner than later. I just feel like I've lost the love of my life but I can't understand why. I also feel angry that after all those years of unrequited love from his side, we finally got together, only for him to treat me this way. However it would be so great to get other people's points of view ... what was happening here? So, if you go around this site and look up the threads of people breaking up, you will see how many of these people are confused as **** because their significant other just GOT UP one day and left. FOR NO MAJOR REASON! The most prominent reason was that the person who left found someone else, someone who was better than their current bf/gf (or they thought they were). And so, they just got up, ripped open the heart of their significant other, dragged their baggage across everything they had built together, destroyed it, and JUST left...... Just like that..... They were gone.... It seems that you did something similar to your ex fiance.... And it was totally ok for you to make that choice (from your perspective... Free will right?) You see, the problems is that this is the world, the big round/spherical rock we live on.... It is filled with 7 BILLION people... lets say 50% are males so 3.5 BILLION males. This means, THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE that you will ALWAYS find someone a lot better than the one you ALREADY have.... ALWAYS!!! There is a 100% chance that if you NEVER stick to one person than you can always find someone better than the last one.... That is just how it is.... But, in that 100% chance of finding someone better, there is only a very small chance that you will find someone who is AS willing to commit to you AS you are.... When you hit those odds.... you BETTER keep that person! You are LUCKY to find someone who is willing to work through all the long distance crap, willing to work through all the emotional (family deaths/problems) problems, willing to move with you across the world to help you both recover from **** that life threw at you...... And you did fine that guy but let the hormones of attraction get the best of you.. But, you let that person down and kept thinking about this one guy who is across the world, has no proven record of commitment towards you (except for initial attraction), has nothing invested in you (Meanwhile you DESTROY all you built for YEARS with your ex fiance to be with him). On what basis did you leave everything that you had built with your ex fiance? That was very reckless, i must say. And there was always a chance of this happening. FOR WHATEVER REASON you thought that it was a worth it try, it turned out to be wrong one choice..... This leap of faith you took...... I can't even start to understand this.... I know, you are hurting VERY MUCH.... and i hope you feel better... but it will take time.... I am just having a tough time getting my head around the steps you took... Seems like your ex fiance is the one.... like they say "The one you let get away...." Meanwhile, for this particular situation..... You are at the mercy of this other guy's thinking.... I would say to go NC and just move one. There is nothing you can do...... As crazy as it may sound... What is your ex fiance up to? Maybe, inquire and see it is still alive... (i am just grabbing onto straws...) 1
mightycpa Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 To me, it sounds like neither of these guys were a good fit. On the one hand, you're not crazy about Patrick, and on the other, Mark's not crazy about you. "Forever" is a long damn time. You don't want to spend it with someone that you don't truly love, and you don't want to spend it with someone who doesn't truly love you. Believe me, you'd rather be alone. Besides, who would expect to find their life's partner in only their first two attempts? So, from a practical perspective, you are probably in the right spot without either of them. It's only been a month, and that's really not enough time for things to have settled down inside of your heart. You're still probably going through love's withdrawal, and that is perfectly normal. And crappy. I can promise you it will get better and easier if you avoid Mark. Just like you'll never see some boy you went to 3rd grade with ever again, that's how you should think of Mark. It's actually very normal, and that should be your goal. It's hard enough when you think about him. Every text, every email, every phone call, every meeting, every sighting, every thing having to do with him will set you back, so my advice is to eliminate all of those things henceforth. His family included. Get rid of the memorabilia and trinkets. If you think you'll want to look through them when you're an old lady, and can't bear to part with them, send them to Mom and Dad, or lock them up somewhere and don't look at them again until you're an old lady. So much for out with the old. Now, in with the new. Your "addicted to love" brain chemicals are really working a number on you right now. You need two things to defeat them: 1) Distraction and 2) Counteracting brain chemicals. The second thing is easiest. Exercise. Lots of vigorous exercise. The first thing is more personal. Try a new hobby, something that will take some concentration and time. Set a goal, and move forward to reach it. Learn something new. Help other people. Take on a challenge at your job. Become engaged with your life alone. Take a little time each day to grieve, and write down what you're thinking. Learn to be honest with yourself, write down the stuff in your heart, but in your head too. Read the old ones every once in a while, and measure your growth. It's a process, so don't expect immediate results. The distractions will prevent you thinking about Mark all day long, but take some time to do that until you don't need to carve that time out any more. Schedule the start and stop, and stick to it. You can date other men, but because getting over this will take some time, date casually and frivolously. Avoid "Mr. Relationship" like the plague. As I count it, you've flushed almost a decade down the toilet on two men. I would suggest that you're behind on your sampling. Date around. You don't have time for the way 18-year olds do it. You're a big girl now, old and experienced enough to know how to have a nice time on a date with someone without feeling like you have to love every guy you date. That won't happen, so don't force it. Just have a good time. You're interviewing them, and only one guy eventually gets the job, so be picky. One day, the bubble will pop. You'll know when that day comes. I can't tell you when it will be, because everybody is different. But these things will get you there.
Author drakewood Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Hi Karin, Thanks for your really honest response. I've definitely thought that too - that I threw away a long-term, committed relationship with someone who did try hard. The real reason why I left my previous relationship is because my ex-fiance simply was not there for me when my mum died. I don't know if you noticed, but at the beginning of my post that was when things started to go wrong with my ex-fiance. You said he was "willing to work through all the emotional (family deaths/problems)". That was the opposite of what happened, when you look back at my post. I guess for me, that was a huge deal and in spite of the fact we had been together for years, I just couldn't get past the fact he wasn't supportive and never made any time for me when it happened. He was a fantastic guy in so many ways but it was just too much for me to get past. I do think your partner is the person who should be there for you at those times and I do think a lot of people would find that to be a deal breaker. Maybe I could have tried to give it more of a chance and tried to go for relationship counselling with him, to try and explain why it mattered so much to me that he didn't care, rather than pouring all this effort and energy into a different guy who was emotionally unavailable, but I just couldn't get past that one thing. I think I was probably also at a point where I was emotionally vulnerable after my mum's death and my ex-fiance simply wasn't there for me, but Mark was. I probably do also have issues and I probably didn't respond well and that's probably something I need to work on. But I didn't do it recklessly, I discussed it with a counsellor for a few months, on my own, before I moved out and stopped living with him. I do know what my ex-fiance is doing, he is in a serious relationship with another, very nice girl and I don't want to mess him around in any way, so I am going to let that one be. I know that ending a long-term relationship is a big leap of faith. I do appreciate your comments, but I don't think my decisions are impossible to understand, although they may not have been the right ones. I agree that anyone who finds someone they like and who is willing to commit is very lucky. So, if you go around this site and look up the threads of people breaking up, you will see how many of these people are confused as **** because their significant other just GOT UP one day and left. FOR NO MAJOR REASON! The most prominent reason was that the person who left found someone else, someone who was better than their current bf/gf (or they thought they were). And so, they just got up, ripped open the heart of their significant other, dragged their baggage across everything they had built together, destroyed it, and JUST left...... Just like that..... They were gone.... It seems that you did something similar to your ex fiance.... And it was totally ok for you to make that choice (from your perspective... Free will right?) You see, the problems is that this is the world, the big round/spherical rock we live on.... It is filled with 7 BILLION people... lets say 50% are males so 3.5 BILLION males. This means, THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE that you will ALWAYS find someone a lot better than the one you ALREADY have.... ALWAYS!!! There is a 100% chance that if you NEVER stick to one person than you can always find someone better than the last one.... That is just how it is.... But, in that 100% chance of finding someone better, there is only a very small chance that you will find someone who is AS willing to commit to you AS you are.... When you hit those odds.... you BETTER keep that person! You are LUCKY to find someone who is willing to work through all the long distance crap, willing to work through all the emotional (family deaths/problems) problems, willing to move with you across the world to help you both recover from **** that life threw at you...... And you did fine that guy but let the hormones of attraction get the best of you.. But, you let that person down and kept thinking about this one guy who is across the world, has no proven record of commitment towards you (except for initial attraction), has nothing invested in you (Meanwhile you DESTROY all you built for YEARS with your ex fiance to be with him). On what basis did you leave everything that you had built with your ex fiance? That was very reckless, i must say. And there was always a chance of this happening. FOR WHATEVER REASON you thought that it was a worth it try, it turned out to be wrong one choice..... This leap of faith you took...... I can't even start to understand this.... I know, you are hurting VERY MUCH.... and i hope you feel better... but it will take time.... I am just having a tough time getting my head around the steps you took... Seems like your ex fiance is the one.... like they say "The one you let get away...." Meanwhile, for this particular situation..... You are at the mercy of this other guy's thinking.... I would say to go NC and just move one. There is nothing you can do...... As crazy as it may sound... What is your ex fiance up to? Maybe, inquire and see it is still alive... (i am just grabbing onto straws...)
Author drakewood Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Hi Ziggy, Thanks, yes, it sounds like he does have lots of difficulties with being emotionally available. I will definitely have a look at the blog-it sounds like it's been really helpful for you - thanks so much He sounds like he might be emotionally unavailable, and not able to actually work in a committed relationship. The hot and cold, where he will push you away then talk engagement rings jumped out at me. These guys have a status quo that they like to maintain, and will do this to keep things in their comfort zone. Or claim you're emotionally abusing him, to give an excuse to bail...I'd recommend heading over to "Baggage Reclaim" which is a fantastic blog, dealing with these type of guys. I may be way off, but she has a list of characteristics that may help you diagnose him. And she's proved invaluable to me in helping me to deal with the misplaced feelings of guilt and low self-esteem that I had from getting dumped by my ex, who was very much emotionally unavailable. Shoot, she's got good advice in general.
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 To me, it sounds like neither of these guys were a good fit. On the one hand, you're not crazy about Patrick, and on the other, Mark's not crazy about you. "Forever" is a long damn time. You don't want to spend it with someone that you don't truly love, and you don't want to spend it with someone who doesn't truly love you. Believe me, you'd rather be alone. Besides, who would expect to find their life's partner in only their first two attempts? So, from a practical perspective, you are probably in the right spot without either of them. It's only been a month, and that's really not enough time for things to have settled down inside of your heart. You're still probably going through love's withdrawal, and that is perfectly normal. And crappy. I can promise you it will get better and easier if you avoid Mark. Just like you'll never see some boy you went to 3rd grade with ever again, that's how you should think of Mark. It's actually very normal, and that should be your goal. It's hard enough when you think about him. Every text, every email, every phone call, every meeting, every sighting, every thing having to do with him will set you back, so my advice is to eliminate all of those things henceforth. His family included. Get rid of the memorabilia and trinkets. If you think you'll want to look through them when you're an old lady, and can't bear to part with them, send them to Mom and Dad, or lock them up somewhere and don't look at them again until you're an old lady. So much for out with the old. Now, in with the new. Your "addicted to love" brain chemicals are really working a number on you right now. You need two things to defeat them: 1) Distraction and 2) Counteracting brain chemicals. The second thing is easiest. Exercise. Lots of vigorous exercise. The first thing is more personal. Try a new hobby, something that will take some concentration and time. Set a goal, and move forward to reach it. Learn something new. Help other people. Take on a challenge at your job. Become engaged with your life alone. Take a little time each day to grieve, and write down what you're thinking. Learn to be honest with yourself, write down the stuff in your heart, but in your head too. Read the old ones every once in a while, and measure your growth. It's a process, so don't expect immediate results. The distractions will prevent you thinking about Mark all day long, but take some time to do that until you don't need to carve that time out any more. Schedule the start and stop, and stick to it. You can date other men, but because getting over this will take some time, date casually and frivolously. Avoid "Mr. Relationship" like the plague. As I count it, you've flushed almost a decade down the toilet on two men. I would suggest that you're behind on your sampling. Date around. You don't have time for the way 18-year olds do it. You're a big girl now, old and experienced enough to know how to have a nice time on a date with someone without feeling like you have to love every guy you date. That won't happen, so don't force it. Just have a good time. You're interviewing them, and only one guy eventually gets the job, so be picky. One day, the bubble will pop. You'll know when that day comes. I can't tell you when it will be, because everybody is different. But these things will get you there. Falling in love and Falling out love is something that will always happen. The first guy she was with, she obviously loved him at some point. But then let the attraction get the best of her... On the other hand, commitment is a trait that once you have, you have! There is no getting rid of it.... People who have these traits (and as long as they are sane) you should always do your best to keep them.... Falling in love and falling out love happens, all the time. But it is a cycle. Even in married couples.... But it can be worked through. Usually, we fall out of love when we are ungrateful (Unless, there is a major reason. Violence, abuse, threats). That feeling of being ungrateful can be worked upon with flexibility and communication... Otherwise, you are always going to keep finding someone new, someone better. And then you are gonna feel as if you are falling out of love from the person you already have..... That is what it is, right? feeling more towards this new guy you met because there is more excitement in it... But there is also the same chance of pain, betrayal, hurt... Like she is experiencing now... The point being, if breaking up with someone is as simple as feeling less love for them than what you felt in the start then we are all better off single, INDEED! But that is the problem..... If you commit, you can always fall in love again.... And NO it is not called a compromising love, it is called enduring love..... Nothing in this universe is forever..... but things can be rekindled.... Better do it with someone who has proved to be with you in good and bad, rather than this new fling.... with no past track record..... Just my opinion!
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) Hi Karin, Thanks for your really honest response. I've definitely thought that too - that I threw away a long-term, committed relationship with someone who did try hard. The real reason why I left my previous relationship is because my ex-fiance simply was not there for me when my mum died. I don't know if you noticed, but at the beginning of my post that was when things started to go wrong with my ex-fiance. You said he was "willing to work through all the emotional (family deaths/problems)". That was the opposite of what happened, when you look back at my post. I guess for me, that was a huge deal and in spite of the fact we had been together for years, I just couldn't get past the fact he wasn't supportive and never made any time for me when it happened. He was a fantastic guy in so many ways but it was just too much for me to get past. I do think your partner is the person who should be there for you at those times and I do think a lot of people would find that to be a deal breaker. Maybe I could have tried to give it more of a chance and tried to go for relationship counselling with him, to try and explain why it mattered so much to me that he didn't care, rather than pouring all this effort and energy into a different guy who was emotionally unavailable, but I just couldn't get past that one thing. I think I was probably also at a point where I was emotionally vulnerable after my mum's death and my ex-fiance simply wasn't there for me, but Mark was. I probably do also have issues and I probably didn't respond well and that's probably something I need to work on. But I didn't do it recklessly, I discussed it with a counsellor for a few months, on my own, before I moved out and stopped living with him. I do know what my ex-fiance is doing, he is in a serious relationship with another, very nice girl and I don't want to mess him around in any way, so I am going to let that one be. I know that ending a long-term relationship is a big leap of faith. I do appreciate your comments, but I don't think my decisions are impossible to understand, although they may not have been the right ones. I agree that anyone who finds someone they like and who is willing to commit is very lucky. Sorry about not understanding your message..... If he wasn't there then that is understandable..... What is done is done.... You have to just pus through this.. YOU CAN DO THIS! It gets better.... But you will have to be STRONG!!! Edited March 26, 2015 by Karin2rinkashi
Author drakewood Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Hey Mightycpa, Thanks. I think your response is the hardest to reply to because it's probably the most honest. I have flushed a decade down the toilet on two men, you're right, and it's so depressing. I turn 29 tomorrow and right now I feel like I've just taken so long to learn some relationship lessons that I should have learnt much earlier. I don't have a lot of time and I do want to find someone I can be happy with. I'm definitely still going through all of those crappy emotions in relation to Mark. I remember once I had a real heart-to-heart with him, when we'd been going through so many problems in our relationship and I said to him, 'look, I've been that person in the relationship where I've not felt the right way about the other person and I feel like this is what's happening between us - that you're just not that into me - are you sure this is the right thing for you? You keep trying to blame it on me, but maybe you just don't feel the right way about me?'. He was adamant that that wasn't the case and he really loved me etc. etc. and didn't ever want to be with any other girl, but his actions just didn't bear that out. I guess I just felt really betrayed by that, I would have preferred him to tell me if the right feelings weren't there, rather than just let me work it out on my own. I guess how you feel can never be controlled and it is a choice / free will, who you are with. But when I broke up with my ex, although I had my reasons (I thought the way he'd behaved over my mum's death wasn't ok), I didn't try and blame it on him. I did explain that I just didn't feel the right way and I knew that was hurtful and unforgivable and I was sorry to be so cruel and uncaring after all this time, but I didn't want him to have the experience of being with someone who couldn't give him as much as another girl, who felt differently, might be able to. I know another girl might have been able to get past those issues and forgive him. I feel like if Mark had just been honest with me, I would be able to be sad and hurt and grieve and be angry without these complications of being labelled as 'emotionally abusive' and doubting myself so much. I spent weeks in counselling discussing what I'd been told by Mark was my abusiveness. I know ultimately, the outcome will be the same, I will eventually move on, but I do think the way he ended it with me has made it particularly difficult. Although I'm sure it's never easy and I have also been the cruel person who just hasn't been into someone enough and has broken their heart. So yeah, I guess I just need to focus on myself, maybe date casually and hopefully one day it will all click. Thanks for the advice. To me, it sounds like neither of these guys were a good fit. On the one hand, you're not crazy about Patrick, and on the other, Mark's not crazy about you. "Forever" is a long damn time. You don't want to spend it with someone that you don't truly love, and you don't want to spend it with someone who doesn't truly love you. Believe me, you'd rather be alone. Besides, who would expect to find their life's partner in only their first two attempts? So, from a practical perspective, you are probably in the right spot without either of them. It's only been a month, and that's really not enough time for things to have settled down inside of your heart. You're still probably going through love's withdrawal, and that is perfectly normal. And crappy. I can promise you it will get better and easier if you avoid Mark. Just like you'll never see some boy you went to 3rd grade with ever again, that's how you should think of Mark. It's actually very normal, and that should be your goal. It's hard enough when you think about him. Every text, every email, every phone call, every meeting, every sighting, every thing having to do with him will set you back, so my advice is to eliminate all of those things henceforth. His family included. Get rid of the memorabilia and trinkets. If you think you'll want to look through them when you're an old lady, and can't bear to part with them, send them to Mom and Dad, or lock them up somewhere and don't look at them again until you're an old lady. So much for out with the old. Now, in with the new. Your "addicted to love" brain chemicals are really working a number on you right now. You need two things to defeat them: 1) Distraction and 2) Counteracting brain chemicals. The second thing is easiest. Exercise. Lots of vigorous exercise. The first thing is more personal. Try a new hobby, something that will take some concentration and time. Set a goal, and move forward to reach it. Learn something new. Help other people. Take on a challenge at your job. Become engaged with your life alone. Take a little time each day to grieve, and write down what you're thinking. Learn to be honest with yourself, write down the stuff in your heart, but in your head too. Read the old ones every once in a while, and measure your growth. It's a process, so don't expect immediate results. The distractions will prevent you thinking about Mark all day long, but take some time to do that until you don't need to carve that time out any more. Schedule the start and stop, and stick to it. You can date other men, but because getting over this will take some time, date casually and frivolously. Avoid "Mr. Relationship" like the plague. As I count it, you've flushed almost a decade down the toilet on two men. I would suggest that you're behind on your sampling. Date around. You don't have time for the way 18-year olds do it. You're a big girl now, old and experienced enough to know how to have a nice time on a date with someone without feeling like you have to love every guy you date. That won't happen, so don't force it. Just have a good time. You're interviewing them, and only one guy eventually gets the job, so be picky. One day, the bubble will pop. You'll know when that day comes. I can't tell you when it will be, because everybody is different. But these things will get you there. 1
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Hey Mightycpa, Thanks. I think your response is the hardest to reply to because it's probably the most honest. I have flushed a decade down the toilet on two men, you're right, and it's so depressing. I turn 29 tomorrow and right now I feel like I've just taken so long to learn some relationship lessons that I should have learnt much earlier. I don't have a lot of time and I do want to find someone I can be happy with. I'm definitely still going through all of those crappy emotions in relation to Mark. I remember once I had a real heart-to-heart with him, when we'd been going through so many problems in our relationship and I said to him, 'look, I've been that person in the relationship where I've not felt the right way about the other person and I feel like this is what's happening between us - that you're just not that into me - are you sure this is the right thing for you? You keep trying to blame it on me, but maybe you just don't feel the right way about me?'. He was adamant that that wasn't the case and he really loved me etc. etc. and didn't ever want to be with any other girl, but his actions just didn't bear that out. I guess I just felt really betrayed by that, I would have preferred him to tell me if the right feelings weren't there, rather than just let me work it out on my own. I guess how you feel can never be controlled and it is a choice / free will, who you are with. But when I broke up with my ex, although I had my reasons (I thought the way he'd behaved over my mum's death wasn't ok), I didn't try and blame it on him. I did explain that I just didn't feel the right way and I knew that was hurtful and unforgivable and I was sorry to be so cruel and uncaring after all this time, but I didn't want him to have the experience of being with someone who couldn't give him as much as another girl, who felt differently, might be able to. I know another girl might have been able to get past those issues and forgive him. I feel like if Mark had just been honest with me, I would be able to be sad and hurt and grieve and be angry without these complications of being labelled as 'emotionally abusive' and doubting myself so much. I spent weeks in counselling discussing what I'd been told by Mark was my abusiveness. I know ultimately, the outcome will be the same, I will eventually move on, but I do think the way he ended it with me has made it particularly difficult. Although I'm sure it's never easy and I have also been the cruel person who just hasn't been into someone enough and has broken their heart. So yeah, I guess I just need to focus on myself, maybe date casually and hopefully one day it will all click. Thanks for the advice. I know you guys are probably going to kill me.... But, in every relationship, there will be a point when you will not feel right about the person. That is just the nature of the relationships. That is where commitment comes in.... Please don't murder me... I really believe in commitment.. lol
Author drakewood Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Yeah. I need to work out how to develop my own ability to commit, and then how to identify another person who is capable of committing, rather than running away. I keep feeling like all of my friends are getting married and all of the men who are willing to commit have already fallen in love with a girl and been 'taken'. I am sure I'm just panicking though, I need some time on my own to calm down and feel better and also think properly and understand what's happened, what I've been doing and what I want... Falling in love and Falling out love is something that will always happen. The first guy she was with, she obviously loved him at some point. But then let the attraction get the best of her... On the other hand, commitment is a trait that once you have, you have! There is no getting rid of it.... People who have these traits (and as long as they are sane) you should always do your best to keep them.... Falling in love and falling out love happens, all the time. But it is a cycle. Even in married couples.... But it can be worked through. Usually, we fall out of love when we are ungrateful (Unless, there is a major reason. Violence, abuse, threats). That feeling of being ungrateful can be worked upon with flexibility and communication... Otherwise, you are always going to keep finding someone new, someone better. And then you are gonna feel as if you are falling out of love from the person you already have..... That is what it is, right? feeling more towards this new guy you met because there is more excitement in it... But there is also the same chance of pain, betrayal, hurt... Like she is experiencing now... The point being, if breaking up with someone is as simple as feeling less love for them than what you felt in the start then we are all better off single, INDEED! But that is the problem..... If you commit, you can always fall in love again.... And NO it is not called a compromising love, it is called enduring love..... Nothing in this universe is forever..... but things can be rekindled.... Better do it with someone who has proved to be with you in good and bad, rather than this new fling.... with no past track record..... Just my opinion!
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