HerbertThistle Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Hey all, Let me warn you that this is going to be long, partly because the story itself is, and partly because I have a somewhat verbose way of writing - and I want to do this story justice. TL;DR - my girlfriend of 6 years (nearly) left me in 2012, wanted me back later, and ostensibly doesn't now but we are best friends. She lives far away. I think about her Every. Single. Day. This girl was my very first love. I was a really shy kid who sat at home and played computer games all merry day, though I did have lots of friends (in real life, that is) we were all pretty nerdy and didn't really talk to girls. I am from a mainland european country and the girl is from the UK. We played the same online game back around 2002 and started chatting to each other rather frequently. Eventually it got to the point where we would talk every day, and when we couldn't get to the computer we would often exchange text messages. Being teenies we would stay up until the middle of the night (or early the next morning) and just chatting. A few years later, when we were 17 and 16 respectively, I flew to the UK with my dad to meet her for the first time. We spent a day together, and I think it fair to say that I have never been happier in my gosh dang life. I knew that we would end up together - and I was right. A little while later she came to visit me back home and stayed for a few days - that was in the summer of 2006, and I had just graduated from college (which I believe is high school in the US), and had no real plans for my immediate future. I had always wanted to move abroad to better my English and force myself to become more sociable, though. A few months later she was going to move to a new city in the UK to start university, and we decided that I would come as well. A month or so after she had returned home I talked to my dad and told him that I wanted to move to the UK. He wasn't particularly surprised, partially because he knew I wanted to move abroad since before, and partially because he'd seen the way we were together. Young love, you know. I told my mum once I had booked the tickets, and two weeks later I found myself not only in a new country by a new city. She needed time to settle in to uni and make new friends, and I had to find a job, so we didn't see each other much at first. After a little while we got together, though, and stayed that way for nearly 6 years. I loved her more than words can describe. Sure, we would argue at times, but at the end of the day I knew that she was the one for me - and I know that she thought the same. What ended up breaking our relationship was a combination of unfortunate outside events and immaturity. We had no experience of relationships when we got together, and we were far too young and immature for something so serious, so we didn't know how to handle difficult situations and would make it up as we went along. In our last year together she moved 5 hours away to do a masters degree at one of the best universities in the world. I supported this 100%, because I know that you have to put yourself first. Meanwhile, I was in the final year of my undergraduate degree. In short, we were both under a lot of stress. Add to that the fact that one of her closest childhood friends passed away unexpectedly in december, a month after my mother was diagnosed with cancer. The end result of this was that she needed me to be there for her to talk, and all I could do was escape into my work and ignore everything. My mother had suffered a stroke in her youth and was quite frail, which added to my worries, and the whole experience brought up un-dealt with memories of my sisters passing a few years prior. In short, I couldn't handle all of the emotions these events brought to the fore, and all I could do was work. If I could change one thing in my life it would be that period. Now that I'm older and more mature, I know that I could have dealt with my own pain and simultaneously been there for her when she needed me. I think about that a lot. It pains me to the very core that I couldn't step up and be her rock when she needed me. In fact, when she left me I found myself listening to the Kings of Leon song "Pyro," which contains the lyrics: "All the black inside me is slowly seeping from the bone. Everything I cherish is slowly dying or it's gone. Little shaking babies and drunkards seem to all agree, Once the show gets started it's bound to be a sight to see. I won't ever be your cornerstone. I don't want to be here holding on. I won't ever be your cornerstone." It summed up how I felt; dark inside, slowly turning into someone I didn't know I could be, and unable to be her cornerstone. I couldn't keep her safe, hold her up. She left me the summer after we had both graduated. She came back up to visit, and while I knew that she had been thinking of leaving me, I also knew that I was a different person to who I had been. I had grown a lot in that year, and we had hardly seen each other. I knew I could be the man she needed, if only she would let me. We spent a few days together and they were blissful. Everything you could ask for, really. It felt like we were falling in love all over again. But underneath it all I could feel that her mind was made up. She never managed to bring it up, so I had to do it for her. Not break up, mind, but bring up the conversation. I begged her to stay with me, and lay my heart out on a platter. Still, she needed to break up in order to find herself again after all that had happened in life, and I both understand and respect that. It's this independence of character that made me love her in the first place. After she left, I sent her a long e-mail letting her know that I would be there for her. Along with Pyro, I would listen to Cat Stevens' "Wild World": "Now that I've lost everything to you You say you wanna start something new And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin' Baby, I'm grievin' But if you wanna leave, take good care I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do And it's breakin' my heart in two Because I never wanna see you a sad girl Don't be a bad girl But if you wanna leave, take good care I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware" I know this isn't about breaking up, but to me it was. I sent her that song and told her I would always wait for her, which I truly thought that I would. Within a couple of weeks the pain became too much for me to bear. With my undergraduate degree over, I had two months to kill before the next part of my life (a PhD) would begin. I soon found myself spiraling into a world consisting of two things: Working out, and drinking. I did enough of the former to stay fit, but far too much of the latter. Before I knew what was happening, I was drinking a bottle of wine for breakfast, three more throughout the day, and rounding it all off with at least half a bottle of whisky and a few beers. I have always been a "good drunk," who just gets a bit chattier, and normally people can't tell that I have been drinking. No one around me knew just how bad my problem had become. I spent in excess of £3000 on alcohol in those two, three months. I loved with a couple of other guys, and the thing that finally opened my eyes to my problem was meeting my friends dad who was visiting for a few days. On his last morning there I went out into the kitchen at 9 to grab breakfast (read: a bottle of white). I stopped to chat to him and polished the bottle off in about 15 minutes. Later my flatmate would tell me that his father - a former alcoholic - had said that he was "impressed" by how well I could knock back the booze. When you get a "compliment" like that from an alcoholic, you know that you have an issue. I kept drinking for a week or so - I was even drunk when delivering tutorials - until I finally grabbed myself by the collar and decided to quit cold turkey. I poured out the last whisky I had lying around, and it felt pretty great. Until, that was, the next day. For the following two weeks I would get severe anxiety attacks, and all I could think about for 80% of the day was how badly I wanted just one drink. I would sit in my room and scream into a pillow until all I could do was fall to my knees and cry. I thought about where my life had gone, how I had screwed everything up, and how I had lost the love of my life. I realised that I couldn't keep going on my own, so to distract myself I signed up for a dating site- this was about 3 or 4 months after the breakup - and within a month or so I met a really lovely girl. I clung to her like you wouldn't believe, and was the same (though for different reasons; she had never experienced love before, only lust and betrayal). We were a couple after dating for about a week, and we are together to this day (2½ years later). She's really nice and caring, and she loves me to bits. We live together, hell, we even have a dog. After seeing her for a few weeks, my ex came up for a visit that we had planned since before I met my new girl, to see a gig (Kings of Leon, ironically). She knew that I had met someone new, and she was distraught. We spent a long time talking about things, and she made it clear that she regretted breaking up with me and wished she could have me back. I want to note at this point that she didn't do anything inappropriate - she didn't ask me to break up with the new girl, and she didn't try anything physical at all despite staying with me - she just said she had regrets. At this point I was still broken from losing her, and too proud to admit it and take her back. I thought I had to be away from her in a romantic way. Well, as time went on I realised that I think about my ex every day. And I really do mean every single day. Not sexually, but I think about how great our conversations were (and still are, we talk regularly), and I can't shake my memory of how deep my love for her was(?) I still feel her deep in my very heart. I know it's common for people to "always remember their first love," but is it normal to think about them every day? To feel something you won't admit is love, but very well might be, nearly three years after breaking up? I still cry sometimes when I think about how things ended with us, because it was all so stupid. I wish that we had met now and not then, because we have both grown so much as people. She was too dependent on me, and I was too selfish. We aren't like that anymore because we have both been forced to grow so much, both by years and experiences. We talk on the phone for 5 hours sometimes, and it never gets boring. Do note that this is as best friends, which we are. Well, I can't speak for her - but she's mine. My girlfriend and I have been fighting more recently, and found ourselves growing apart a bit. Not because of the ex - I know that may sound hard to believe, but it isn't. I think we have both come to realise that we both really needed a relationship, and that's a large part of why we got together. Don't get me wrong, I still really like her, but I'm not sure I love her. In too many ways, we are different people. My ex is single, and has been since we broke up. I know she's been on dates, and lots of guys are interested in her, but she has grown so fiercely independent that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She says that she doesn't see the point in them anymore, and she prefers the freedom of being alone. We met recently and she told me all about this new philosophy of hers. Meanwhile, I told her about my own relationships troubles and she was really supportive and said she thinks I might need to learn how to handle my own emotions without the support of others. I think she's right. She didn't advocate breaking up with my girlfriend, though, but said I should do it if I truly think it's the right thing, because it's not fair on either of us otherwise. I also confessed to her that I have been feeling nostalgic for the old days when things were much simpler, and more or less said that I miss her. She understood, but didn't comment any further than that. Now, I have been thinking about this for a LONG time. I have convinced myself that I want her back, and that I don't, and that I do, and that I don't. As things stand, I'm certain that she's the girl for me. She has to be, because why else is it that I can't get her out of my heart and mind in over two years?! Two years where I have been HAPPY? I live a great life at the moment. I have enough money to live a comfortable life, I love my home, my dog is awesome, and my girlfriend loves me. Also, she's beautiful and lovely in nearly every way. She's great! Really! I know reading this it may sound like I don't think she is, but she's amazing. If it wasn't for my damn heart.. I don't want to admit it to myself, but deep down I feel like I just want to be alone with my dog and wait for her. If she decides she wants to give me a chance, that would be amazing. If not, well, at least I'm not hurting someone else by not being 100% devoted to them in my heart and soul. I do what I can to ensure that my girl is happy, but I know deep down that she deserves someone who loves her with all they are. So the question is, I guess, is any of this normal? Have you felt the same? Am I being a nostalgic idiot? I just can't shake the fact that we didn't break up for a lack of love, but youthful stupidity and a tonne of external factors over which we had no control. Man... I'm a wreck.
BlackbirdSong Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 3 weeks? I missed my ex-wife for over a decade until I finally was over it. Now I'm more than 6 weeks into missing my current exgirlfriend.
Author HerbertThistle Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 I guess what I'm really trying to ask is whether it would be idiotic to leave my current life behind and wait, hope.. 3 weeks? I missed my ex-wife for over a decade until I finally was over it. Now I'm more than 6 weeks into missing my current exgirlfriend. Three years, not weeks. Not sure if I wrote it wrong somewhere or if you misread? Either way it's far less than a decade, which isn't a promising sign. Hope you are doing well.
BlackbirdSong Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Haha I did misread. Yeah, three years is a long time. You could reach out a final time and see if there's any interest or you could just move on.
GoBlue Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I just can't shake the fact that we didn't break up for a lack of love, but youthful stupidity and a tonne of external factors over which we had no control. Man... I'm a wreck. You may not have had control of your external factors but nobody who loves each other does. Pretty much the only control we have is how we choose to respond. That's the thing about love - it's a choice - and it's a commitment. Funny thing is that it requires two people to have a relationship. She is where she is because she chooses to be there - emotionally, and you are where you are because you choose to be there - emotionally. I have two things I feel need to be addressed. First, I agree that you are not doing your current girlfriend any favors by maintaining that relationship since you are not in love with her. What are you going to do about it? Second, it is indeed better to be alone than to be in a relationship with anybody if you cannot get over the other girl. There is nothing wrong with being alone until you are ready, but there is nothing more difficult for friends and family members to witness then someone they care about pining away for someone who doesn't feel the same about them. It's a waste of time and life energy. Waiting for someone isn't bad in itself but there has to be some kind of seed of hope or intention to make the waiting bearable. Time is something that usually brings clarification to situations like this. For one of three reasons: the object of your love comes to her senses and realizes that she loves you to and you ride off into the sunset happy-ever-after, the object of your love moves on and gets married to someone else, or you get tired of waiting and decide to move on yourself. I have been there so I understand. I hope things work themselves out very soon. Blessings!
Omei Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Im still madly in love with my ex after two years they left too, but we do not speak so my hope is gone. Sounds like your relationship is long over but you have flickers of hope, no you shouldn't wait for her, she left and isn't with you now years later sounds like you never went full no contact? it would of benefited you.
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