kismetkismet Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 My ex and i broke up about a week and a half ago after dating for a year and a half (we're 29 and 31). There had been buildup, but i'm not really sure that he saw it coming.. when we went into the conversation, I didn't even really intend for it to go there myself. However.. I'd been unhappy for a while. He wasn't making me a priority and the relationship wasn't moving forward.. In the conversation I think we both thought it would reconcile, but he finally told me point blank that he was depressed and in a rut that was making it difficult to move forward in anything - including a relationship. Essentially he told me that he couldn't do the things that I needed. but I don't know if I explained myself very well because when i got up and began packing my things he asked me to go see a movie.. I had to tell him then that we had broken up.. In my mind it was "i'm unhappy i need this" and he said "i don't want you to be unhappy I can't do that" so that means.. it's over, right? I had been bringing up the problems - that he didn't make me a priority, didn't make plans, always just wanted to stay at home alone playing video games, etc. for months. i don't regret my decision.. but I don't feel like I really explained myself. He said at one point since that he didn't get the conversation.. and he keeps telling me it didn't change the way he feels about me and he still cares about me (and has been trying to give me part of my bday present and encouraging me to hang out with his sister). But he knows we're broken up. Do we need to talk about it further do you think? Even though I was the one to do the breaking up, I feel like he was the one who was less emotionally invested and led to the relationship's ending. Or is it enough to know that it's for the best, and not to talk further.
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 My ex and i broke up about a week and a half ago after dating for a year and a half (we're 29 and 31). There had been buildup, but i'm not really sure that he saw it coming.. when we went into the conversation, I didn't even really intend for it to go there myself. However.. I'd been unhappy for a while. He wasn't making me a priority and the relationship wasn't moving forward.. In the conversation I think we both thought it would reconcile, but he finally told me point blank that he was depressed and in a rut that was making it difficult to move forward in anything - including a relationship. Essentially he told me that he couldn't do the things that I needed. but I don't know if I explained myself very well because when i got up and began packing my things he asked me to go see a movie.. I had to tell him then that we had broken up.. In my mind it was "i'm unhappy i need this" and he said "i don't want you to be unhappy I can't do that" so that means.. it's over, right? I had been bringing up the problems - that he didn't make me a priority, didn't make plans, always just wanted to stay at home alone playing video games, etc. for months. i don't regret my decision.. but I don't feel like I really explained myself. He said at one point since that he didn't get the conversation.. and he keeps telling me it didn't change the way he feels about me and he still cares about me (and has been trying to give me part of my bday present and encouraging me to hang out with his sister). But he knows we're broken up. Do we need to talk about it further do you think? Even though I was the one to do the breaking up, I feel like he was the one who was less emotionally invested and led to the relationship's ending. Or is it enough to know that it's for the best, and not to talk further. Did you let him know that he wasn't putting enough into the relationship before? Or did you just let it build up in your own mind and then only told him when you had made up your mind about cutting it off.. Part of relationship is about communication... if you never told him that you are not happy, he wouldn't know.... Even if he did or didn't do anything after that is another matter.... But was the communication there?
Toodaloo Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Sounds to me like he is listening but not hearing what you are saying. So no. There is no point. Leave and be done with. 2
Author kismetkismet Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 @karin2rinkashi I feel like I explained it somewhat.. I let him know previously on multiple occasions that i felt like i was having to drag him to things all of the time, he knew i was frustrated that he wouldn't come out with my family or friends more, and that I wanted him to plan a bit better rather than leaving things to the last minute. I just never told him that I would leave if he didn't do those things. Breaking up was never spoken about at all, and we never really FOUGHT, we would just have short calm rational conversations about it. But I don't think I should have to threaten him. @Toodaloo I think you're right.. I think his reaction is what made me think that maybe I hadn't explained it.. because he asked me to go to a movie and then when I told him that we'd just broken up he hugged me and started crying and crying and didn't want to let go. Then followed me out to my car. And the following week he said that he didn't understand the conversation. I guess he just thought I would put up with it forever.. I am going to leave it. Thank you for your input both of you!
BC1980 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 @karin2rinkashi I feel like I explained it somewhat.. I let him know previously on multiple occasions that i felt like i was having to drag him to things all of the time, he knew i was frustrated that he wouldn't come out with my family or friends more, and that I wanted him to plan a bit better rather than leaving things to the last minute. I just never told him that I would leave if he didn't do those things. Breaking up was never spoken about at all, and we never really FOUGHT, we would just have short calm rational conversations about it. But I don't think I should have to threaten him. @Toodaloo I think you're right.. I think his reaction is what made me think that maybe I hadn't explained it.. because he asked me to go to a movie and then when I told him that we'd just broken up he hugged me and started crying and crying and didn't want to let go. Then followed me out to my car. And the following week he said that he didn't understand the conversation. I guess he just thought I would put up with it forever.. I am going to leave it. Thank you for your input both of you! Well, it's kind of unspoken that you would eventually leave if he didn't try to fix the problems. He's not that naive, trust me. As long as he isn't asking for reasons, then I would let it be. No need to go back into the lion's den and a potentially emotional and messy situation.
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 As long as you are both aware that you are broken up, no further discussion is needed. Why you broke up is not as important as the fact that you did break up. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Thanks everyone! This was what i needed to hear I think. My initial gut reaction was to accept it and move forward, but then i started second guessing myself and wondering. I think part of me wants to know what he wanted the outcome of that conversation to be, since he didn't seem to really want to break up, but also didn't want to fix anything, AND isn't trying to get me back. Even though he has made excuses to contact me about other things... He probably just knows that it's what's best for us over all.
mightycpa Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 You are using too many words with all this explanation. I can't reconcile this: He said at one point since that he didn't get the conversation..... But he knows we're broken up. If he says he didn't get it, didn't understand the conversation, then you probably should sit him down and use blunt language: Robespierre, the last time we talked, it seemed that you might have been a little confused. So I thought it would be a good idea if we revisited our conversation. I don't think I expressed myself well. I'm breaking up with you. I don't want to date you anymore. I haven't replaced you, but if the right guy asks, it could happen tomorrow. So this is it. We're over. I'm not going to change my mind. Do you have any questions for me?That should clear things up. If he asks you to do something again, then maybe he's thinking FWB, or, he just doesn't give a ****.
ruhrohcd Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 On rare occasions my ex would mention in passing that she was unhappy about something, but never stressed how important it was to her. I was battling depression and working through some trauma, so it would have taken hitting me over the head to make me realize what was going on. I did and do love her, and it wasn't my intention to not resolve whatever issues she had with me. It's just that in the long list of battles I was fighting I prioritized my survival over her concerns. I would have agreed to couples counseling (I'm already in IC), I would done just about anything to keep her around had I known it was either shape up or she was leaving. No, she shouldn't have had to make such an ultimatum. But I do think she should have made damn sure that I understood just how serious her problems with me were. She hedged how she expressed them to avoid upsetting me, and then suddenly (to me!) sprung leaving me after she reached a breaking point. All the while she had spent 99% of the time pretending that she was happy with me. Mine was a five-year domestic partnership that was supposed to be a lifelong commitment. To me the idea of a commitment means clearly communicating needs and giving the other partner every opportunity to meet those needs. There are going to be down times in relationships. I thought living through the good times would make living through bad times bearable. I was wrong. So in regards to this relationship, if you're out with no intentions of returning, I see no need for justifying yourself. But I do think you'll need to explore being more explicit with your expectations and the consequences of them not being met. Then your partner can have an honest shot at doing his/her part.
Author kismetkismet Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 @mightyCPA I did clarify when he told me he didn't get it. Told him very clearly we were broken up. But i'm not sure he understands exactly how we got there. And he hasn't asked me to do anything, he wanted to give me my birthday present and was wondering if i wanted to go with his sister still (our original plan). Either way it could be a sign of not caring much, but I think you misread (i know it was long hah). And i'm definitely not ready to replace him tomorrow anyway! I'm really sad about this breakup.. i just also think it was the right thing to do.. @ruhrohcd That was my fear a bit.. I don't think he was able to see beyond his depression and the rut he was in. And I likely didn't make it clear HOW important it was to me and that I was about to leave.. I didn't even really know myself, I was just tired of being taken for granted... We weren't in such a long relationship though and we weren't committed forever, so I guess that is where our major difference lies. I don't have hopes for getting better.. but should i check in with him and tell him that i understand the depression etc. or just move on and leave him be..
ruhrohcd Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I wish I knew what to tell you. You can't really manage his feelings so I guess leave it up to him as to whether to provide more closure. If you really care/cared about him, don't make it an issue of blame. Let him know that you understand that the depression isn't his fault. Let him know that you realize losing someone from your life due to something out of his control isn't fair, but that you've taken a deep look at yourself and realized that the illness is more than you can handle. I don't mean that you're therefore to blame, only that (and don't put it this way to him!) your brand of crazy and his don't line up. We all have issues we're dealing with (whether we realize it or not) and the baggage that comes with those issues. It's not a matter of getting rid of the baggage, but rather finding someone whose baggage makes a complimentary set with yours. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself to avoid giving up completely. I've lost by best friend, my life partner, and the person I felt safer with than anyone I've ever known. I guess I'll tell myself anything to avoid self-destruction. Depression is a monster.
Author kismetkismet Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 @ruhrohcd Thanks that's good advice. I'll wait to hear from him if he needs more clarification. And if he had given evidence that he was going to try, I probably wouldn't have left.. at least not so soon. If he'd asked me for help I would have given it... (sometimes i wonder if it was just an excuse.. though i know he's depressed and is struggling in his life, maybe he just didn't love ME enough either) I have suffered from depression on and off myself so I'm not unsympathetic.. It just didn't seem like he was going to change and I didn't know where it was going. Thank you for your input! (by the way 'ruh roh' is something he said constantly haha)
Author kismetkismet Posted April 1, 2015 Author Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend and I broke up about 2.5 weeks go.. I was the one that initiated the breakup, but it was because he wasn't making me a priority and moving the relationship forward. So I consider it mutual. The first week I was definitely sad, but I had a ton of hopes for what it would mean for my life.. A more fulfilling relationship, new friends, more activities etc. etc. (he was depressed and never wanted to do anything which is also why he said he couldn't move the relationship forward... I would have stayed if he showed willingness to work on it). We talked a couple of times in that week and he was trying to emphasize to me that he still really cares about me and it doesn't change how he feels about me etc. but not trying to get me back at all. Anyway..this week feels much worse. My unrealistic ideas for what the breakup meant for my life have settled and I realize now that it's basically the same old life, only there's a gap where the person I loved is meant to be. I can't stop thinking about him and crying. I have been good with no contact and with no social media stalking etc. for 10 days but I just bloody miss him and it feels like it's getting worse. Has anyone else experienced this? We were only together 1.5yrs but I really loved him and we still really got along well and had fun when we were together, I just didn't see it having a future.. Edited April 1, 2015 by kismetkismet
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 The healing process is not linear. It's more like what you are experiencing, two steps forward, one step back. You are correct that you are opening up yourself to new opportunities. They aren't all going to flood over you at once. Even though you ended it there is some sense of loss, also normal. Give yourself some time to grieve the loss & know that you will fully heal in time. 2
Strength in Healing Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 It's going to get a hell of a lot worse. But, alas, it's darkest before dawn. The pain is actually your mind processing and healing. Embrace it. The more painful, the more progress. The dark days start to become fewer and further between... you'll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But be well aware there are many large speed bumps rapidly approaching, but the path will even out when the tunnel is about to end. Get ready.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 The emotions after a break up are like a rollercoaster...up and down with twists and turns. Trust me when I say it does get better. You just have to ride it out as time is what it takes to heal. The only thing you can do now is to work on having good moments and taking it day by day. Surround yourself with loved ones and allow yourself to go through the emotions. When you have the energy, after the initial grieving period (which you are in now) set goals for yourself and get out and try something new. Baby steps. You will get through this and one day you will meet someone who will blow away your memories of this ex. (BIG HUG)
ZiggyZoo Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 2.5 weeks really isn't long enough at all to get over a relationship, especially a longish one like yours was. I'd say not to even expect it before the six month mark. I'd say you've got a leg up though, you can see a future beyond the relationship. That takes a lot of people time to get to. Just keep reminding yourself why you broke up in the first place,n and what you have to look forward to.
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