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Men: are you capable of telling a woman you are not interested / are not into her?

markleymassraff

By markleymassraff
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markleymassraff Established Member

markleymassraff

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The title of this post may sound "accusatory," but I don't mean it that way. It is a genuine question because of my current situation and what I hear in general.

 

I've often read in articles things like "a man would rather chew his right arm off than tell a woman [in explicit words] that he is not interested in her." He would rather just show it in his behavior. Or just fade out. Or even if confronted by her, he will deny that he is not interested.

 

And okay, here is my thing: I was involved with a guy for all of the month of January (we'd been 'liking' each other vaguely in December, but the actual involvement was just in the month of January). Got along great, everything was good, no fighting or anything. He faded out as of Feb. 1. I left it alone, did not chase. Mid-March, he contacted me twice and we had brief exchanges in which he made some vague/not concrete references to seeing each other again. But he has given mixed signals in general, and finally I said something like 'You don't really want to see me, do you? It's really okay if that's the case. You can be honest.'

 

He denies it. He just says "No, I do want to see you. I got in contact with you, didn't I?"

 

And he denied it in a couple of other phrases too. But suffice it to say that he had the opportunity to see me recently and didn't take it, and has taken no steps to make concrete plans to see each other since four days ago when he had that convo.

 

So what I am saying is: Do men just really refuse to say they don't want to see you? Even if the woman says "Honestly, I'm not mad. Just tell me that, you know, you're not feelin' it...whatever."

 

I wouldn't have pushed this at all except that he got in contact with me again and...well, the conversation just ended up happening.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I don't think it's a matter of not being able to tell you he is not interested. I think this man is simply keeping his options open by keeping in touch with you on and off. He is not interested for a relationship, just to keep contact and who knows it may turn into a hook up at some point. You encourage him by answering when he messages you. He is unreliable and inconsistent, just don't reply.

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markleymassraff Established Member

markleymassraff

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You are right! And I don't mind people commenting on my situation but I also want to hear from men about whether they are able to tell a woman they are not interested or not.

 

Anyway, I think you are right about my situation. He probably does "want to see me." It's just that I'm not his main concern or priority either. F*cker. lol.

 

Here's the thing about me replying though. He and I were on each other's social media (Facebook) and a secret Facebook group for 2.5 years before we got together. So...we see each other on social media even if we're not in direct contact. Me not replying to him is a little more conspicuous than it is with some person you just have no contact with except text. We were in each other's social circle before we got involved. So...yeah I could not reply. But my not replying is saying...we are not friends anymore. And I know that I could do that. It's just a little different when it's someone you've known for a few years vs. someone you met on okcupid, went on a date or two, and only knew for 2 months total (including talking online) and just go your separate ways.

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markleymassraff Established Member

markleymassraff

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Oh the other thing is that...I want a hookup with him. That's the other reason I let him stay in contact (though I don't contact him). I know he's not good relationship material. I see him as a friend with benefits. But he won't cooperate even for that.

Dybbuk Established Member

Dybbuk

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I don't think this is really a gender thing though...

 

Many of the men I dated experienced similar situations when dating women. I think it depends on the personality of the person. Some people are very direct and seem to have an easier time articulating their disinterest when they feel that way. Others feel so overwhelmed by the idea of telling someone else they don't want to see them, they try to avoid/fade out until the other person gets the hint and leaves them alone. There are also others who feel you really don't owe anyone squat after a few exchanges and a couple of dates, so an official "No I don't want to see you anymore" is unnecessary. Everyone has their own way of dealing with this situation.

 

I had one girl friend who just never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings so she'd just ignore calls until the guys stopped. I told her that unless you are responding positively to someone's advances, whatever she did would hurt their feelings in some way; she was just trying to make herself feel better essentially. I personally feel it's better to have some integrity and just be direct so they don't waste their time/energy waiting on a response that won't ever come.

 

I've had guys fade out and then call once in a blue moon. I always took it that they weren't really interested in me, but the prospect of a potential sexual partner down the line was better than none.

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markleymassraff Established Member

markleymassraff

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Thanks for the reply.

 

I actually agree with not owing a person any explanation at all in certain circumstances. Like it was just one date, no sex. Or two dates, no sex. If sex is involved (at any point), I think it's decent to say something.

 

That said, my question is more when the conversation is already happening. Like, it's happening, and the guy still refuses to say he's not interested or that his interest is limited.

 

In the case of my guy, he just says "I do want to see you." And when I say "you don't really want to see me," he says, "Yes I do."

 

He needs to admit that his interest is limited. He needs to say "It's not that I don't want to see you. It's that we live far away from each other, and I'm honestly seeing other women as well..." -- but he just puts it like "I want to see you."

 

Liar. Heh.

loveweary11 Established Member

loveweary11

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I'm definitely not your typical guy, but I tell girls I'm not interested a couple times a month.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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As far as im concerned, if he doesnt make advances than hes not interested (or doesnt like you enough to face his fear of rejection etc.)

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krs00 Member

krs00

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As far as im concerned, if he doesnt make advances than hes not interested (or doesnt like you enough to face his fear of rejection etc.)

 

or knows he has no chance. ladies want to be approached but just by the good looking charming guys. anything less and he is invading her space and creeping her out.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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well IMO a lot of people in general (men and women) would rather fade out in hopes you get the hint they are not interested. No one likes rejecting someone, or wants to hurt their feelings. And some avoid being honest to avoid getting blasted with insults because the other person is a sore loser (probably why they are being rejected in the first place hah). It all depends on you. I say if you want honesty from them, then you should be honest with them too.

 

 

If you want to guage their interest, you go by their actions not by what they say to you.

fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

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If it's a girl I've had an actual date with, I'll be honest. 'You're a cool girl, but there wasn't any chemistry for me. So good luck to you". Also, when I've gotten multiple numbers in real life and decided not to follow up with a woman, I won't leave her hanging. I'll shoot a text to let her know I decided to go another direction.

 

BUT....Women online have a tendency to get PISSED when you cancel a first date aka "meet". They get accusatory, demand to know why, etc.. So what I do is pretend to be a needy weirdo to get them to cancel for me. Works EVERY TIME. All it takes is two texts. "Can't stop thinking about you". Then an hour later "Why haven't you responded yet?!" Then I just sit back and let her send the flake text with her ego intact. So much easier than dealing with rants and demands. :)

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
The title of this post may sound "accusatory," but I don't mean it that way. It is a genuine question because of my current situation and what I hear in general.

 

I've often read in articles things like "a man would rather chew his right arm off than tell a woman [in explicit words] that he is not interested in her." He would rather just show it in his behavior. Or just fade out. Or even if confronted by her, he will deny that he is not interested.

 

And okay, here is my thing: I was involved with a guy for all of the month of January (we'd been 'liking' each other vaguely in December, but the actual involvement was just in the month of January). Got along great, everything was good, no fighting or anything. He faded out as of Feb. 1. I left it alone, did not chase. Mid-March, he contacted me twice and we had brief exchanges in which he made some vague/not concrete references to seeing each other again. But he has given mixed signals in general, and finally I said something like 'You don't really want to see me, do you? It's really okay if that's the case. You can be honest.'

 

He denies it. He just says "No, I do want to see you. I got in contact with you, didn't I?"

 

And he denied it in a couple of other phrases too. But suffice it to say that he had the opportunity to see me recently and didn't take it, and has taken no steps to make concrete plans to see each other since four days ago when he had that convo.

 

So what I am saying is: Do men just really refuse to say they don't want to see you? Even if the woman says "Honestly, I'm not mad. Just tell me that, you know, you're not feelin' it...whatever."

 

I wouldn't have pushed this at all except that he got in contact with me again and...well, the conversation just ended up happening.

 

He went silent because he was persuing someone else most likely. It obviously didn't pan out so he is back in contact with you. You called him out on it, and he is just playing dumb.

 

He's trying to get out of explaining why he stopped seeing you. You are a second choice.....stop listening to his crap and tell him you no longer have any interest in seeing him again.

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Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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Yeah I'll tell a Woman if I'm not interested, or I've had a change of heart. The best policy is to be direct.

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DivorcedDad123 Established Member

DivorcedDad123

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Yes,I'll tell her and I have the 500 rapid fire text responses to prove it.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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From what I've read around here on LS it seems that men don't have a problem telling women they are no longer in love, interested or whatever they have to say to end it. I don't think it is just men but some people do not like confrontations. There was a thread by a woman who has been leading this guy on for 5 years because she is too much of a coward to tell him she's not interested. I think the guy you are talking about does want to see you for sex if and when he's ready. He is in no great rush to have sex with you right now.

Vercetti Established Member

Vercetti

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When I took you out.

I knew what you were all about.

But when I did.

I didn't mean to turn you on.

 

Now why should I feel guilty cause I won't give in...

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted
BUT....Women online have a tendency to get PISSED when you cancel a first date aka "meet". They get accusatory, demand to know why, etc.. So what I do is pretend to be a needy weirdo to get them to cancel for me. Works EVERY TIME. All it takes is two texts. "Can't stop thinking about you". Then an hour later "Why haven't you responded yet?!" Then I just sit back and let her send the flake text with her ego intact. So much easier than dealing with rants and demands. :)

 

There is much brilliance here... totally serious.

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markleymassraff Established Member

markleymassraff

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I think the guy you are talking about does want to see you for sex if and when he's ready. He is in no great rush to have sex with you right now.

 

I think you're right. Which is why my ego isn't totally shattered by him. I did want a relationship with him, but y'all should know that I'm also down for friends with benefits (and he knows this too) because I'm not emotionally 'vulnerable' to him either. He's just really hot, and cool to hang out with; I don't mind having a casual thing with him. He did reach out to me twice, and even before that, I think he wanted to stay on good terms with me...for sex again at some point. I just want to have sex with him...sooner rather than later...and he's taking his sweet time for whatever f*cking reason. lol.

 

I know he liked the sex with me because he says it to me and he also makes vague references to it online (we are in a Facebook group together). He and I have been friends for 2.5 years (not close friends, but within the same social circle.) We are very politically and socially aligned, so no matter what happens between me and him, there will be no "blocking him" and "ignoring him." This isn't someone I met on OkCupid or Tinder. He is part of my social network, and if nothing else, our political alliance overrides all else.

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markleymassraff Established Member

markleymassraff

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Oh, I forgot to mention that there are other valid reasons why we don't get together very much. He lives in another city -- 2.5 hours away, and I don't have my own place. He does, but I don't.

 

NOT making excuses for him. I know he's still not interested for a relationship. But he's partly "not there" because we aren't exactly convenient for each other.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Yes,I'll tell her and I have the 500 rapid fire text responses to prove it.

 

Block number/delete

fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

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There is much brilliance here... totally serious.

 

Haha.. Thank you.

 

The path of least resistance is always the best one. A woman feels better thinking she avoided a weirdo than being cancelled on. But as I said, I only pull the needy weirdo routine on women I meet online that I change my mind on meeting with. If it's a woman I already had a date with, or a woman who's number I got in real life, I'm honest. Came in handy this last week though when I had to cut three loose I had potential first dates/meets with. Actually found a woman that I like and want to get serious with.

 

But guys, I'm telling you. These two texts back to back work every time. "Can't stop thinking about u!!" Then 30-60 minutes later "Why haven't u responded yet?!"

Edited by fitnessfan365
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