Leigh 87 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 He won't ever change. I was with a guy like that. No birthday presents unless I reminded him. Once he forgot. No nice treats on Valentines day. He never took me out for dinner to treat me to a nice meal on my birthdays. Not once. And you know what? SOME women do not WANT a man who treats them to nice meals on special occasions! I do though. I prefer a man who spoils me with his time and money (which I return right back to him!). So, I stopped dating men who weren't the types of men I wanted to date - EVEN the ones I had "amazing" chemistry with... I held out and waited for chemistry AND compatibility. It seems you guys must have chemistry and enjoy each other well enough - but you're just not super compatible! He is happy with the way things are - you are not. Your only options are: - tell him " look, I am very happy with the relationship but I would be delighted if you planned dates more often" If he never changes, or if he never changes for LONG - accept this is who he is. - break up. But you seem to want to mould and bend around like a pretzel to try to justify why you remain in a relationship that you know, deep down, will not amount to a passionate, comforting and satisfying relationship long term; the compatibility is ultimately missing. He is either like this with you because: - he just isn't that into you: my ex was this way inclined. He did squat for me and wouldn't even make out with me because he wasn't attracted to me and he just wasn't into me; with his next girl he spoilt her and treated her like a princess. - he is just a laid back type of a guy who will never be the type to pamper and spoil girls with special dates out on a weekly basis Either ask him one last to change OR break up and find a man who is compatible. You're a fool if you sit around whining about a girl who isn't compatible with you. Well duh! Accept it and be happy or move on - it is 8 months, you are supposed to be deeply in the honeymoon period with no issues or dramas! 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 O M G I'm going through the SAME EXACT THING with this guy I talk to. Yeah , I pull back , he steps up his communication and as soon as were back on level ground it starts all over again. Idk what to do about this either I need advice too. And yes its extremely silly and frustrating. Wouldn't it be cool if you met a guy who WANTED to talk to you every day, and who you didn't have to play hard to get with just for him to "crave" you? You say you "don't know what to do" Well, doing mental gymnastics and trying to make a guy be into you enough to commit is not very fun. Ask the posters on here how this one ends... I can assure you, it is so much easier to just wait for a guy to come along who is actually into you. And wanting a relationship/ who is relationship minded.... You can even text him a lot and he will always be glad to hear from you. Screw having to withdraw and disappear in order to make a guy reach out and ''want'' you more:sick:
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Nothing you can do about this, he is apathetic to the relationship and since it's been in motion for almost a year, there is no motivation for him to change anything. You either accept it and enjoy it until you get sick of it. Or you end it now. Either way, if experience is anything to go by, you will end it at some point. Just be certain about it before you do. No need to rush the end if you are still enjoying his company. This post is great. I feel that I'm still young and I'm in no rush to get married or anything so that it why I say it feels so silly to break up just because he isn't the perfect boyfriend!
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 He won't ever change. I was with a guy like that. No birthday presents unless I reminded him. Once he forgot. No nice treats on Valentines day. He never took me out for dinner to treat me to a nice meal on my birthdays. Not once. And you know what? SOME women do not WANT a man who treats them to nice meals on special occasions! I do though. I prefer a man who spoils me with his time and money (which I return right back to him!). So, I stopped dating men who weren't the types of men I wanted to date - EVEN the ones I had "amazing" chemistry with... I held out and waited for chemistry AND compatibility. It seems you guys must have chemistry and enjoy each other well enough - but you're just not super compatible! He is happy with the way things are - you are not. Your only options are: - tell him " look, I am very happy with the relationship but I would be delighted if you planned dates more often" If he never changes, or if he never changes for LONG - accept this is who he is. - break up. But you seem to want to mould and bend around like a pretzel to try to justify why you remain in a relationship that you know, deep down, will not amount to a passionate, comforting and satisfying relationship long term; the compatibility is ultimately missing. He is either like this with you because: - he just isn't that into you: my ex was this way inclined. He did squat for me and wouldn't even make out with me because he wasn't attracted to me and he just wasn't into me; with his next girl he spoilt her and treated her like a princess. - he is just a laid back type of a guy who will never be the type to pamper and spoil girls with special dates out on a weekly basis Either ask him one last to change OR break up and find a man who is compatible. You're a fool if you sit around whining about a girl who isn't compatible with you. Well duh! Accept it and be happy or move on - it is 8 months, you are supposed to be deeply in the honeymoon period with no issues or dramas! Thanks for the advice! I liked what you said about chemistry and compatibility and it has made me think for sure. I'm not sure the compatibility isn't there though--we have similar values and want the same things out of life. I am generally pretty laid back and don't need or want gifts all the time (but Valentine's Day or my birthday would be nice) What happened with you and the guy you mention? Love to hear a similar experience!
Leigh 87 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 This post is great. I feel that I'm still young and I'm in no rush to get married or anything so that it why I say it feels so silly to break up just because he isn't the perfect boyfriend! Really.... So you're young and you're wasting your time on a guy who isn't compatible with you? When you have plenty of time to find a man who you are just as into, and who is also compatible. There are plenty of men who you will like just as much as your boyfriend, and who will provide a stronger connection due to being super compatible.......more so than your bf. I promise you that you will get sick of watching your girlfriends get pampered and spoilt by their boyfriends, only to think "hmmm, I wish MY boyfriend would get ME a present... it doesn't have to be the romantic weekend getaway my friends boyfriends plan for THEM, but hey, A nice rose would be nice?
Leigh 87 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Thanks for the advice! I liked what you said about chemistry and compatibility and it has made me think for sure. I'm not sure the compatibility isn't there though--we have similar values and want the same things out of life. I am generally pretty laid back and don't need or want gifts all the time (but Valentine's Day or my birthday would be nice) What happened with you and the guy you mention? Love to hear a similar experience! The guy who never got me presents? Haha. We had a similar outlook to life in many ways - loved to travel and enrich our lives through trying new activities. Both spontaneous. Liked a challenge in a partner rather than a partner who gave it all up...... But he wasn't in love with me. He ended up with a new girl who he spoils and gets presents for. It isn't always THEM. It can be US - and how they feel about us....... Trust me. And if it IS really just him - again, you say you think you are compatible - but wont it bother you when you see your friends getting thoughtful, beautiful presents from their partners and yet your partner never even remembers to get you a birthday gift UNLESS you ask him? Do you really think you will think you are both so "compatible" in years to come, when your friends partners invest quality time with them on weekends, and your partner would rather go out with his friends and you have to REMIND him to by you birthday and Christmas gifts? Are you sure you will feel totally happy when you watch your friends getting treated to lovely dinners out and wined and dined by their partners, when you are stuck at home, with a partner who does nothing? Gifting is my love language. If you are cool with having to remind a partner to buy you gifts each year (he will forget eventually, and you will have to periodically remind him over the years) then GO for it! If he is perfect in EVERY other way - besides Quality time and Gifting, then perhaps your love languages and his love languages are a good enough match.
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) The guy who never got me presents? Haha. We had a similar outlook to life in many ways - loved to travel and enrich our lives through trying new activities. Both spontaneous. Liked a challenge in a partner rather than a partner who gave it all up...... But he wasn't in love with me. He ended up with a new girl who he spoils and gets presents for. It isn't always THEM. It can be US - and how they feel about us....... Trust me. And if it IS really just him - again, you say you think you are compatible - but wont it bother you when you see your friends getting thoughtful, beautiful presents from their partners and yet your partner never even remembers to get you a birthday gift UNLESS you ask him? Do you really think you will think you are both so "compatible" in years to come, when your friends partners invest quality time with them on weekends, and your partner would rather go out with his friends and you have to REMIND him to by you birthday and Christmas gifts? Are you sure you will feel totally happy when you watch your friends getting treated to lovely dinners out and wined and dined by their partners, when you are stuck at home, with a partner who does nothing? Gifting is my love language. If you are cool with having to remind a partner to buy you gifts each year (he will forget eventually, and you will have to periodically remind him over the years) then GO for it! If he is perfect in EVERY other way - besides Quality time and Gifting, then perhaps your love languages and his love languages are a good enough match. Perhaps I have overexaggerated but he is not nearly as complacent as you describe. While he doesn't get me gifts or plan elaborate dates he makes time for me in his busy life frequently over seeing his friends. We are both somewhat introverted and would rather be at home watching tv than at some fancy restaurant. So in these ways yes I think we are compatible and it is something I can live with and be happy with. I'm glad you brought up the love languages I think it's interesting. Quality time and words of affirmation are my top love languages but gifting is way way at the bottom. If I had to guess my BFs his are probably acts of service and quality time with gift giving also being at the bottom. To me this seems pretty compatible. As I've said to me I don't mind bei fb the initiator in the relationship as long as he is putting in some effort, it's more an issue of how to get him to put in just like a little more effort Edited March 26, 2015 by lily0406
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