lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Afternoon y'all! I am hoping to get some advice today on my relationship since that's what this place is for right? My boyfriend (28) and I (23) have been together for around 8 months now and I am starting to question the relationship a bit. This is my first really serious relationship as most have been no longer than 4 or 5 months. I really love my boyfriend, we have so much in common and I feel I can tell him things I have never been able to tell other people before. We laugh together and have lots of fun and the sex is pretty fantastic. We are both in grad school and have pretty busy schedules so we usually see each other 1-3 times during the week with a date night every Saturday and usually one other random night. The problem is he is really not a very good boyfriend. He often takes hours to respond to my text messages (which at least I know is not just me his friends make fun of him for this all the time) and is pretty bad at planning dates. I usually have to ask him when we can hang out (but he never turns me down). He has never really gotten me a present (not even flowers or a card on Valentines Day or Christmas or my birthday because he says he doesn't really celebrate holidays). He hates talking about his emotions and even though he acts like he loves me and said he felt the same when I told him I was falling in love with him he has never said the words. This might seem like small things but I feel like I put in ten times the effort he does. My question for all yall out there is has anyone been in a similar situation and found a way to deal with this or seen it get better? I really do love him and even thinking about breaking up with him devastates me (so please don't tell me to just break up with him and give up) but I get so frustrated that he doesn't treat me as well as every other guy I know who is in a relationship. Please help!
compulsivedancer Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 My STBXH is a great guy, which is part of why it took me so long to end things, when they clearly weren't working. Being an awesome person does not automatically translate into being a great boyfriend.
preraph Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Does he take you out on dates or is his idea of a date sitting around and then having sex?? If he's not taking you out on dates, he may be just going along to get laid and doing the bare minimum. Does he have trouble getting girlfriends or could he be dating around if he wanted to? 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 The one area I fall on his side on is the response time. Cut the guy some slack. One of the first things you mention is that you're both in grad school with busy schedules. So why does it come as a surprise when it takes him longer to respond? But the fact that he never takes initiative to plan anything or do anything to make you feel special on V-day, your bday, etc is terrible. I am an old school dominant gentleman. So I love taking care of the details and making my woman feel special and appreciated. In the end, if you're looking for more of a traditional guy that will actually be the man in the relationship, you're going to have to break up with him. He may be a nice guy, but he lacks the strong masculine core that you ultimately want. Does he always expect you to initiate sex and take control in bed too? 1
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Does he take you out on dates or is his idea of a date sitting around and then having sex?? If he's not taking you out on dates, he may be just going along to get laid and doing the bare minimum. Does he have trouble getting girlfriends or could he be dating around if he wanted to? We go out on dates--to dinner and he will pay or to concerts or parties with friends. He is a pretty attractive guy and I think if he wanted to date around he would have no problem, but he is a more introverted guy and not into the bar/party scene
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 The one area I fall on his side on is the response time. Cut the guy some slack. One of the first things you mention is that you're both in grad school with busy schedules. So why does it come as a surprise when it takes him longer to respond? But the fact that he never takes initiative to plan anything or do anything to make you feel special on V-day, your bday, etc is terrible. I am an old school dominant gentleman. So I love taking care of the details and making my woman feel special and appreciated. In the end, if you're looking for more of a traditional guy that will actually be the man in the relationship, you're going to have to break up with him. He may be a nice guy, but he lacks the strong masculine core that you ultimately want. Does he always expect you to initiate sex and take control in bed too? He does not always expect me to initiate sex in fact he usual is the one to take control in bed I do try and cut him some slack for taking a while to respond but it sometimes feels like he puts no effort into texting me unless I text him. You hit it right on the head though that he kind of lacks the traditional masculinity and you could probably say I wear the pants in the relationship. To be honest that is my personality though to be sort of dominant so it doesn't bother me as much as that it is more unequal levels of effort
BluEyeL Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Since you don't want to break up with him I can't give you the advice "break up with him". What you could do then, you could try to pull back a little so he can come to you. Or not come to you. Either way, you'll get out of this limbo one way or another. If he doesn't text you, stop texting him. Yeah, get over the fact that you'll skip days of communication. Bite your nails, call a friend and do not text him. If he wants to be with you, he knows how to get in touch. Do not initiate dates. Wait for him. Go out with girlfriends. Be busy. Let him get in touch with you and wait for him to initiate the get togethers. Yes, it may mean that you'll skip some dates but maybe it'll be a wake up call for him and he'll start wondering what's going on, and start initiating more, or he may not do anything, which will help you then see that he might be a "good guy" but he's just not that into you. I heard many times "but he's a good guy". Totally irrelevant. The point is, is this "good guy" into you, or not? If he's not into you, it doesn't matter whether he's a good or a bad guy. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) He does not always expect me to initiate sex in fact he usual is the one to take control in bed I do try and cut him some slack for taking a while to respond but it sometimes feels like he puts no effort into texting me unless I text him. You hit it right on the head though that he kind of lacks the traditional masculinity and you could probably say I wear the pants in the relationship. To be honest that is my personality though to be sort of dominant so it doesn't bother me as much as that it is more unequal levels of effort Haha. You crack me up woman. You say that he's busy in grad school yet complain about response time. Then you complain that he doesn't initiate and plan things, yet you admit to having a dominant personality and preferring to wear the pants. Did you ever think that your boyfriend doesn't initiate or plan because he knows that you like to be in control? My favorite thing is when I get involved with a "dominant" woman and get her to slowly realize how good it feels to be really feminine with an Alpha male. If you keep meeting men like your BF, my guess is that you've always had to wear the pants out of necessity. But based on your grievances, it seems like what you secretly want is to meet a guy strong/dominant enough to allow you to let him take the reins. Edited March 26, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Since you don't want to break up with him I can't give you the advice "break up with him". What you could do then, you could try to pull back a little so he can come to you. Or not come to you. Either way, you'll get out of this limbo one way or another. I guess I asked for that first part The thing is...I've tried to pull back a little and let him come to me. I have tried to just not initiate dates and he has then been the one to initiate but it inevitably goes back to the way it was. It's like if I don't make any effort he'll step it up and make effort but it's still a minimal amount. To be honest I hate this because it's really just playing silly emotional games.
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Haha. You crack me up woman. You say that he's busy in grad school yet complain about response time. Then you complain that he doesn't initiate and plan things, yet you admit to having a dominant personality and preferring to wear the pants. Did you ever think that your boyfriend doesn't initiate or plan because he knows that you like to be in control? My favorite thing is when I get involved with a "dominant" woman and get her to slowly realize how good it feels to be really feminine with an Alpha male. If you keep meeting men like your BF, my guess is that you've always had to wear the pants out of necessity. But based on your grievances, it seems like what you secretly want is to meet a guy strong/dominant enough to allow you to let him take the reins. Dude you get me. Most of my past boyfriends have been like that where I end up being the more alpha one in the relationship because I'm more type A and alpha than the guys I tend to be attracted to. The problem here is I love my boyfriend and everything about him EXCEPT that as you put it "he's not strong enough to allow me to let him take the reins". Any advice on how to get him to take the reins?
lana-banana Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I usually have to ask him when we can hang out (but he never turns me down). He has never really gotten me a present (not even flowers or a card on Valentines Day or Christmas or my birthday because he says he doesn't really celebrate holidays). Everything else is varying degrees of acceptable, but not this. Your birthday isn't about him, it's about you. Part of dating is making your partner feel special and doing things for them that you wouldn't otherwise do. My boyfriend doesn't know Brahms from a barbell complex, but he's trying to learn more about classical music and weight-lifting because he knows how much I love both. Likewise, I occasionally sneak tiny love notes in his pockets and always find new ways to remind him he's my hero. Being in a relationship is about going out of your way to appreciate the other person. By saying garbage like "I don't celebrate holidays", what he's really saying is "my comfort level is more important than your happiness". And that's BS. Skip the games. Tell him directly what you need to feel appreciated---little gifts every now and then, help around the house, nice words---and be clear that you don't expect anything less. If he doesn't step up, walk. It's not worth your time. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) Dude you get me. Most of my past boyfriends have been like that where I end up being the more alpha one in the relationship because I'm more type A and alpha than the guys I tend to be attracted to. The problem here is I love my boyfriend and everything about him EXCEPT that as you put it "he's not strong enough to allow me to let him take the reins". Any advice on how to get him to take the reins? If you have long hair to pull, he could start with taking that rein. But in all honesty, you need to break up with him because you two aren't ultimately compatible. The problem is that if you try to change who he is, you'll still be controlling his actions and lose even more respect for him. In turn, he should be with a woman that he can be himself with. I'd recommend taking some time to be single and coming to terms with what you actually desire. I cold read what you wanted in like two seconds. But until you fully embrace what you really want (to be submissive with an authentic Alpha male) heart, body, and soul, you'll never truly be happy. You'll keep settling for weak beta males that force you to be something you don't really want to be. As I said before, you're exactly the type of woman I'm attracted to. So if I weren't already spoken for, educating you would be a lot of fun. ;-) You seem like a good woman overall though, so hopefully you do some soul searching and find the guy that's ultimately right for you. Edited March 26, 2015 by fitnessfan365
BluEyeL Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I guess I asked for that first part The thing is...I've tried to pull back a little and let him come to me. I have tried to just not initiate dates and he has then been the one to initiate but it inevitably goes back to the way it was. It's like if I don't make any effort he'll step it up and make effort but it's still a minimal amount. To be honest I hate this because it's really just playing silly emotional games. So OK, I'm not clear on this. So if you don't initiate, he eventually does. But he doesn't do it enough at that point? You you become again impatient and go back to your old ways and don't give him time and space to initiate? I tell you what I do with my boyfriend. Sometimes, even as perfect as I am , act too clingy. I don't give him space to initiate stuff. So it feels bad to me that he doesn't. However, I realize that maybe the guy needs time/space, so I let him initiate some and I feel better. Let him lead and you do respond. But, I have to say 2x/week at 8 months is a bit on the low side. As for texting, if he's not a texter, it's not about you.
BluEyeL Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Yeah, not celebrating your bday is kinda of a big deal..a no no.
preraph Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 We go out on dates--to dinner and he will pay or to concerts or parties with friends. He is a pretty attractive guy and I think if he wanted to date around he would have no problem, but he is a more introverted guy and not into the bar/party scene Well, that's what his deal is then. He's introverted and would probably prefer not to go out as much. I guess you'll have to find out where his level is and if it's going to be enough to keep you from getting bored. As for the birthdays and stuff, you need to tell him birthday and whatever else is important to you.
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 If you have long hair to pull, he could start with taking that rein. But in all honesty, you need to break up with him because you two aren't ultimately compatible. The problem is that if you try to change who he is, you'll still be controlling his actions and lose even more respect for him. In turn, he should be with a woman that he can be himself with. I'd recommend taking some time to be single and coming to terms with what you actually desire. I cold read what you wanted in like two seconds. But until you fully embrace what you really want (to be submissive with an authentic Alpha male) heart, body, and soul, you'll never truly be happy. You'll keep settling for weak beta males that force you to be something you don't really want to be. As I said before, you're exactly the type of woman I'm attracted to. So if I weren't already spoken for, educating you would be a lot of fun. ;-) You seem like a good woman overall though, so hopefully you do some soul searching and find the guy that's ultimately right for you. While I feel you're probably right that I need a guy who is willing to take more charge I don't think we are incompatible. When we first started dating he definitely took more initiative but I think since we've become more comfortable and our schedules more busy I've taken it on to be the more assertive one. Also I have very long hair and he LOVES to pull it ironically enough!
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 So OK, I'm not clear on this. So if you don't initiate, he eventually does. But he doesn't do it enough at that point? You you become again impatient and go back to your old ways and don't give him time and space to initiate? I tell you what I do with my boyfriend. Sometimes, even as perfect as I am , act too clingy. I don't give him space to initiate stuff. So it feels bad to me that he doesn't. However, I realize that maybe the guy needs time/space, so I let him initiate some and I feel better. Let him lead and you do respond. But, I have to say 2x/week at 8 months is a bit on the low side. As for texting, if he's not a texter, it's not about you. Your comment was actually super helpful. I will admit I can be a bit clingy sometimes (mostly because I have more free time than he does I think so I cater more to his schedule) and probably could let him take more time and space to initiate haha. As for the 2x/week trust me I would prefer it to be more but our schedules simply don't allow it! We usually see each other one weekend night/the whole next day and usually at least one night during the week. When we've been on breaks from school we've seen each other a lot more though
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Everything else is varying degrees of acceptable, but not this. Your birthday isn't about him, it's about you. Part of dating is making your partner feel special and doing things for them that you wouldn't otherwise do. My boyfriend doesn't know Brahms from a barbell complex, but he's trying to learn more about classical music and weight-lifting because he knows how much I love both. Likewise, I occasionally sneak tiny love notes in his pockets and always find new ways to remind him he's my hero. Being in a relationship is about going out of your way to appreciate the other person. By saying garbage like "I don't celebrate holidays", what he's really saying is "my comfort level is more important than your happiness". And that's BS. Skip the games. Tell him directly what you need to feel appreciated---little gifts every now and then, help around the house, nice words---and be clear that you don't expect anything less. If he doesn't step up, walk. It's not worth your time. Thanks for the comment about skipping the games I absolutely hate playing emotional games and my BF sees right through them and calls me out on it.
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Thanks yall for your responses! Yall have been so helpful as a whole. Theres a lot of truth to what everyone has been saying but to maybe clear things up my self assessment per your comments is this: when we first started dating my BF actually was a bit more dominant/took the initiative and planned dates and generally seemed to put more effort in but at a certain point I think when his schedule got busier and mine lightened up I seemed to have taken the initiative. Several of you have mentioned that we just might not be compatible but I don't know if I believe that. I think we are very compatible but perhaps I have not been giving him enough space lately and he has felt like he didn't need to put in effort. As I said when I first posted i do NOT intend to break up with him but its become pretty d*** clear to me that I need to give him some space to be a man/take initiative/put in some effort. Please keep any more advice coming y'all! It really is helping
fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 While I feel you're probably right that I need a guy who is willing to take more charge I don't think we are incompatible. When we first started dating he definitely took more initiative but I think since we've become more comfortable and our schedules more busy I've taken it on to be the more assertive one. Well here is an honest question. How compatible can you truly be if you're on here asking for advice on how to change his personality? It's understandable why so many "nice guys" exist though. 1) Divorce rates are at all time high. Single mother households with no male role models. The men are raised with a power dynamic of a woman being in charge and subjugating. Then to make matters worse, these mom's start teaching their son's that what women really want are really nice guys that always put their women first. Why? They're bitter about what type of men they're really attracted to. ** My mom asked me once how I became so successful with women when I didn't really date when I was younger. You know what I told her? "I stopped taking your advice on what women supposedly want". 2) The majority of movies and TV shows these days reverse gender roles and have men acting weak and feminine, and women acting like men. Guys are brain-washed into thinking that the ovelry-sensitive, super-pleasing, nice guy in the friend zone eventually wins a girl over in the end. But the reason why Rom-Com's are fiction, is because it's not how reality actually is.
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Well here is an honest question. How compatible can you truly be if you're on here asking for advice on how to change his personality? It's understandable why so many "nice guys" exist though. 1) Divorce rates are at all time high. Single mother households with no male role models. The men are raised with a power dynamic of a woman being in charge and subjugating. Then to make matters worse, these mom's start teaching their son's that what women really want are really nice guys that always put their women first. Why? They're bitter about what type of men they're really attracted to. ** My mom asked me once how I became so successful with women when I didn't really date when I was younger. You know what I told her? "I stopped taking your advice on what women supposedly want". 2) The majority of movies and TV shows these days reverse gender roles and have men acting weak and feminine, and women acting like men. Guys are brain-washed into thinking that the ovelry-sensitive, super-pleasing, nice guy in the friend zone eventually wins a girl over in the end. But the reason why Rom-Com's are fiction, is because it's not how reality actually is. For all your other posts you are way off base on this one. My boyfriends upbringing was nothing like what you are explaining his mom was a very minimal presence in fact. Also he hates rom coms. I am certainly not trying to change his personality I love that he is so down to earth even if it's to the point where he isn't a great boyfriend. I think blueeyel really helped me identify that he has the personality to be the more take charge guy you (and I in part agree) think I need but I am not giving him the space to do that. Or at least that's the conclusion I've come to frkm this thread
Dybbuk Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 If you want to give yourselves the best shot of working out, I'd say... -You need to start being the elusive one. If he was the pursuer at the start of the relationship, he may have become complacent over time. Especially if he realized you would be the one to pick up the slack and plan things for the both of you. Do your own things, have your own life. If he truly cares for you, over time he will start to realize that he's seeing less of you and not getting to talk to you as often. That will start to bother him and he will make efforts to pursue you again so he doesn't lose you. -As hard as it sounds, do not place too much weight on text messaging. If you are both grad students, and he's also is a chronically bad texter with his friends... this just means that is not his preferred method of communication. Texting habits can become such a sore spot for people in relationships, which is really a crazy thing because I'd say 99% of the texts my BF and I send to each other impact very little of our actual relationship. Ease up on the texting, and once again if he really cares for you he may start to miss hearing from you and initiate this on his own. -Lastly, this is going to be a bit harsh but I think you should go into this relationship with your eyes wide open and realize... you told him you loved him first. He did not respond with an "I love you too" which is not the best sign. I think right now you two are in very different stages in this relationship. He might not be quite where you are, thus why he seems to be more lackadaisical about a lot of things most BF's are usually on top of (holiday celebrations, planning dates, overall communication). If you love someone, you want them to know it. Sure some men are not the most vocal, but uttering those words is a necessity if you want to keep a girl long term. Again, give him the space and the time to get to that point with you. IF, you notice that you pulling away is causing disconnect and distance between you two consider the reality that he may not love you the way you want to be loved. 2
Author lily0406 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 If you want to give yourselves the best shot of working out, I'd say... -You need to start being the elusive one. If he was the pursuer at the start of the relationship, he may have become complacent over time. Especially if he realized you would be the one to pick up the slack and plan things for the both of you. Do your own things, have your own life. If he truly cares for you, over time he will start to realize that he's seeing less of you and not getting to talk to you as often. That will start to bother him and he will make efforts to pursue you again so he doesn't lose you. -As hard as it sounds, do not place too much weight on text messaging. If you are both grad students, and he's also is a chronically bad texter with his friends... this just means that is not his preferred method of communication. Texting habits can become such a sore spot for people in relationships, which is really a crazy thing because I'd say 99% of the texts my BF and I send to each other impact very little of our actual relationship. Ease up on the texting, and once again if he really cares for you he may start to miss hearing from you and initiate this on his own. -Lastly, this is going to be a bit harsh but I think you should go into this relationship with your eyes wide open and realize... you told him you loved him first. He did not respond with an "I love you too" which is not the best sign. I think right now you two are in very different stages in this relationship. He might not be quite where you are, thus why he seems to be more lackadaisical about a lot of things most BF's are usually on top of (holiday celebrations, planning dates, overall communication). If you love someone, you want them to know it. Sure some men are not the most vocal, but uttering those words is a necessity if you want to keep a girl long term. Again, give him the space and the time to get to that point with you. IF, you notice that you pulling away is causing disconnect and distance between you two consider the reality that he may not love you the way you want to be loved. Thank you for such a long and thought out post. It really spoke to me about a lot of thoughts I've been having on how to work through things instead of giving up so fast. Thank you thank you for your advice I definitely plan on following some of it
GoldenGirl2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I guess I asked for that first part The thing is...I've tried to pull back a little and let him come to me. I have tried to just not initiate dates and he has then been the one to initiate but it inevitably goes back to the way it was. It's like if I don't make any effort he'll step it up and make effort but it's still a minimal amount. To be honest I hate this because it's really just playing silly emotional games. O M G I'm going through the SAME EXACT THING with this guy I talk to. Yeah , I pull back , he steps up his communication and as soon as were back on level ground it starts all over again. Idk what to do about this either I need advice too. And yes its extremely silly and frustrating.
Buddhist Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Nothing you can do about this, he is apathetic to the relationship and since it's been in motion for almost a year, there is no motivation for him to change anything. You either accept it and enjoy it until you get sick of it. Or you end it now. Either way, if experience is anything to go by, you will end it at some point. Just be certain about it before you do. No need to rush the end if you are still enjoying his company.
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