BlueIris Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Try dating in suburbia, in god crazy middle America. Its almost impossible finding women without kids that are older than 35. I'm not saying single moms cant be choosy. But at least question the damn guy before you write him off. Maybe he doesnt want kids of his own, but has no problem dating a single mom? Maybe he has experience with kids from a prior marriage or relationship? Maybe he cant have kids? I could go on and on with possible scenarios. If a woman is getting only a few messages, maybe she’ll dig deeper to find out if he’s kid-friendly and attuned to family life. If she’s getting many messages, including plenty from fathers, she has no incentive to dig. If this is a recurring problem for you, include in your profile that you were an involved step-parent and love kids.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I wont say this is true of everyone, but the people who are mature and childless tend to really not truly understand what it entails...Its definitely something you have to experience and live for yourself.. I am definitely NOT the same man I was before kid -and now after...I am radically changed as a person..Radically...Not even close.. So my guess is these women don't really want to have to explain all of this to someone that hasn't "walked the walk"...Maybe you would be the type to get pissed off if she isn't in the mood for sex because her kid is having a hard time at school or is sick...It could be a million things.. A friend of mine has been recently divorced.. Late 40's...All of the women he has dated have had kids and none of them made it past the second date..I told him to look for a childless woman....I am pretty sure thats the issue...but I really cant say for sure... TFY 3
autumnnight Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Yea, I don't blame you. Life is much easier for those who believe their problems are much more profound than other people's problems... and people can blame their kids for whatever their life situation is. What a horrible example to leave for their kids... The kids don't like being the scapegoat for their parent's romantic issues. Don't think they don't notice when they get to a certain age. Kids need to see examples of healthy relationships... having the world revolve around them 24/7 isn't healthy for them either. Eventually they will grow up and discover that it doesn't. *shrug* But I guess there is plenty of time for that... I happen to believe that people of high character are that way with or without kids. Sorry if you believe otherwise. Actually, choosing not to have kids is not a xharactervissue. Snotty, sarcastic, closed-minded, judgmental self righteousness and thevinability to see another's point of view are. 2
RedRobin Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I wont say this is true of everyone, but the people who are mature and childless tend to really not truly understand what it entails...Its definitely something you have to experience and live for yourself.. ... except that, there are plenty of things in life that people can't truly understand through YOUR eyes. That's the human condition. Very few people know what it's like to be essentially widowed at a young age. You don't see me ruling out men who haven't experienced a death of a partner... mostly because anyone who has lost someone very close to them and has a shred of empathy gets it good enough... that, and I don't NEED someone to understand every little thing in my life. Not sure why people with kids need to believe that their experience is so unique... or why they believe it can't possibly translate to other experiences in life that involve self-sacrifice. IMHO, it's a form of arrogance. I don't care if someone is a parent or not. They can't possibly understand the reality of other parents because everyone parents differently and has different kids and experiences. That's one thing I've definitely learned from my dating experiences. People who can't handle parenting well probably can't handle lots of other things in their life well... and it has nothing to do with the fact he/she has kids or not. In fact, I might even give people without kids MORE credit for knowing that in advance rather than just going along with having kids or resenting them after the fact... like lots seem to do.
RedRobin Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Actually, choosing not to have kids is not a xharactervissue. Snotty, sarcastic, closed-minded, judgmental self righteousness and thevinability to see another's point of view are. Like parents who believe that no one but other parents can possibly understand what it means to care for another human being? Is that what you are talking about?
autumnnight Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 [i might even give people without kids MORE credit for knowing that in advance rather than just going along with having kids or resenting them after the fact... like lots seem to do.QUOTE] You must have some very poor friends. I know a lot of parents, and I've never known any whovjust had their kids to conform and now resent them. How odd.
RedRobin Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) ^^ Not sure what exactly you are taking exception to with my earlier posts. Surely, you must know parents who had kids for the wrong reasons.... Edited: Just saw your last post... I've met plenty of men during my dating adventures who seem to resent their kids. They are the ones making excuses why they can't do this or that. The ones who never stop complaining about their parenting challenges. People who consider their children a blessing don't act like that. I can't say I've met too many people whose lives are so grossly out of balance that they can ONLY date or be around people who also have kids though. On the other hand, I get it that everyone needs a hobby. If their only activity in life is their kids, then I can imagine it gets pretty boring and frustrating being around people who don't have that hobby. Much like people who need to exercise 3 or 4 hours everyday, or need to watch TV every night and that's all they do. They tend to search out people who do those activities because there are only so many hours in the day. I actually think we are agreeing... Edited March 26, 2015 by RedRobin
Timshel Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Being single for the past 5 yrs, I have experienced many situations throughout the dating world. The one that I never expected was dealing with biased single moms, and how many of them avoid single men with no kids. I was really caught off guard with this. I had a lot of single moms deny/ignore me on dating sites. Being the inquisitive type fellow I am, I started to poke around for answers. Women told me that they avoid guys without kids. Um...why? They told me that guys without kids "dont understand" what they are going through, and that it takes up a lot of their time. So in other words, any guy that haphazardly knocked up some chick 5 10 20 years ago, is automatically a better candidate than me? And another thing, when that single mom got pregnant her first time, the guy she was with didnt have kids either! So isnt that a complete double standard?? I just never realized there was such a huge number of single moms that avoid childless men. I just cant wrap my head around the logic of prejudging someone based on that. All of my friends are married. I have not one single friend. When I met my husband, he was 49 without any children. I have kids. I never thought about if he had kids or did not. I met him in real life, not on the internet. Maybe OLD is the problem? People must get very specific on there to "weed" their time? I don't know because I won't do it. Maybe some folks should talk to in person people more and online less for dating purposes. I mean, you see what they look like and after conversation know if there is chemistry/common interest. Have a coffee, get lunch. IDK, I sound really different. I intend to go with the flow and I will never date online. If I meet a guy that interests me, the natural course of things will occur. I don't care if the man I like has kids or no kids. I care more about whether or not I like him as a person.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 ... except that, there are plenty of things in life that people can't truly understand through YOUR eyes. That's the human condition. Very few people know what it's like to be essentially widowed at a young age. You don't see me ruling out men who haven't experienced a death of a partner... mostly because anyone who has lost someone very close to them and has a shred of empathy gets it good enough... that, and I don't NEED someone to understand every little thing in my life. Not sure why people with kids need to believe that their experience is so unique... or why they believe it can't possibly translate to other experiences in life that involve self-sacrifice. IMHO, it's a form of arrogance. I don't care if someone is a parent or not. They can't possibly understand the reality of other parents because everyone parents differently and has different kids and experiences. That's one thing I've definitely learned from my dating experiences. People who can't handle parenting well probably can't handle lots of other things in their life well... and it has nothing to do with the fact he/she has kids or not. In fact, I might even give people without kids MORE credit for knowing that in advance rather than just going along with having kids or resenting them after the fact... like lots seem to do. Whether you wanted kids or not, I can 100% guarantee that you wouldn't be the same woman that you are right now if you did... While I do recognize that the pain you must have experienced with the loss of your (H?) was enormous its really not an accurate analogy...Kids are a lifetime commitment...And the dynamics of this are even greater for a woman than a man...Mothers are a special breed...There is no denying it.. I've seen this before in your posts. and I don't quite get it...Its perfectly fine that you made a conscious decision to not procreate...And everyone knows parenting isnt for everyone..Ill agree, there are plenty of shytty parents in this world... At the end of the day, I dont have an issue with someone not wanting to enter into a relationship for whatever reason...I mean look at how many people wouldnt enter a relationship due to religious or ethnic/racial reasons...Its an enormous amount... This is a tough game, even under the most ideal of conditions, as you know..If someone wants to stack odds in their favor, then so be it... TFY 2
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 2 of my friends with bubas only want to date men with children because they think that they will be more understanding and tolerant of the pitfalls of children. I've dated 2 men with kids and it wasn't much of an issue for me but it does pose challenges if you have no kids of your own.
Toodaloo Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 I am bit of an unusual one. I am older, so not have children of my own. However in the past I did take on 5 so I do know what it is like to be a "parent". My preference is a man who does not have children and who has not been married. I want to build a life with them myself. At my age those are very few and far between. I also have issues regarding my fertility. So I accept that the likelihood of that happening is very slim. As a consequence I have absolutely no problem with dating a single father. The ONLY time I have a problem is when they put me before their children... I can be flexible. I have learnt to be flexible when looking after the children and it takes team work. If he starts putting me first instead of us working as a team its not going to work out. What I will not consider is a man who has had children and has written off ever having any more or building a new family unit. Again, that is just not going to work between us.
salparadise Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Whether you wanted kids or not, I can 100% guarantee that you wouldn't be the same woman that you are right now if you did... Mothers are a special breed...There is no denying it. Exactly. There is just a fundamental understanding that parents have with respect to other parents, their priorities and the need to balance everything. It has been my experience that women without kids tend to be a little jealous and competitive. They realize that they can't compete and if push comes to shove they're going to lose every time... even the discussion of it is kinda off the table. On the other hand, for women who have kids it's a non-issue because they not only accept a man's relationship with his kids, they respect and honor it. I think it's kinda funny that people with no reference whatsoever presume to know all about how things are, and are so pointedly assertive. The last woman I dated had grown boys. My daughter was in her first year at college. She actually told me that she usually passed on men with daughters because she didn't intend to accept the position of second woman in any man's life... just in saying that to me she was expressing that twinge of jealously and resentment. I soon came to realize that the attitude wasn't limited to that. People do themselves a disservice by forming hard prejudices against entire categories of people in the dating. Openness, tolerance, and acceptance will attract people of similar nature. I think it's sad that so many folks, men and women, believe they're bettering their odds of getting what they deserve by restrictive policies. Thankfully, they tend to reveal that pretty quickly. 2
autumnnight Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 ^^ Not sure what exactly you are taking exception to with my earlier posts. Surely, you must know parents who had kids for the wrong reasons.... Edited: Just saw your last post... I've met plenty of men during my dating adventures who seem to resent their kids. They are the ones making excuses why they can't do this or that. The ones who never stop complaining about their parenting challenges. People who consider their children a blessing don't act like that. I can't say I've met too many people whose lives are so grossly out of balance that they can ONLY date or be around people who also have kids though. On the other hand, I get it that everyone needs a hobby. If their only activity in life is their kids, then I can imagine it gets pretty boring and frustrating being around people who don't have that hobby. Much like people who need to exercise 3 or 4 hours everyday, or need to watch TV every night and that's all they do. They tend to search out people who do those activities because there are only so many hours in the day. I actually think we are agreeing... If you cannot read the sarcastic condescension that absolutely oozes from every word, then I don't know what to tell you.
waterwoman Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Maybe all these single mums started off open-minded and dated single men. However they soon realised that men without children didn't understand the restrictions that parenthood brings. They didn't understand that parents are not able to go out at the drop of a hat, that little bodies might appear in the mum's bed in the middle of the night because of a bad dream, or mum might have to get up to change wet sheets after the 4 year old had an accident, or that a date might have to be cancelled because someone had a tummy bug. Those who are parents will make allowances, I suspect it would take a very special non-parent to deal with sort of regular intrusion.
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