AprilTears Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm approaching the one month mark of the day I was left no other choice than to end it with my boyfriend and I immediately went NC. In 2 days I will be 4 weeks from the last words I said to him. He sent me an email two weeks ago that I ignored. It said he missed me and was thinking of me and some other small talk. That's the last I heard from him. I was doing well until this last weekend and up to today where I'm really sad, missing him, wondering. Maybe I'm realizing the finality of it all? I'm not sure but it seems this week is really taking its toll on me. I'm sleeping more than usual and I'm not too motivated. I'm keeping busy as much as possible but I'm having difficulty looking forward to things since he won't be a part of those things. Maybe it's because he didn't care enough to fight for me. Maybe it's because I thought he would've reached out to at least apologize or something. I find myself getting angry pretty easily lately as well and I hate to be that way. I can't stop thinking about him and us and what will never be again and it's really starting to consume my thoughts this week to the point of driving me to tears.
jen1447 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 It's early yet hon, there'll be plenty more of this to come. It'll start getting better eventually, but there's no way around it - you have to put in your grieving time. That's what this really is. You'll be okay. 1
Jonp219 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Me and my ex broke up 1 month and 19 days ago and I've been NC for a month and 2 days, and I stopped checking her social media pages 9 days ago. No breadcrumbs, no "what's up?", no nothing from her, which hurts a little. 4 years down the tube and you don't even want to check and see if I'm alive? Smh There are days where it's just too hard to bare the pain. I don't sleep enough, I have nightmares, I over play scenarios in my head etc. I miss her more than anyone I've ever missed before. Some days I'm just completely angry and bitter, not sure if it's because she hasn't contacted me or due to the fact that she left me. My mind says it's over, my heart says we'll work it out someday.
dyna85 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Yes, there is absolutely something about the one month mark. It's when more of that intense pain hits, just as you're experiencing, and along comes further realizations that the person is truly and really gone, and you do lose sleep and experience crazy urges to do something about it, even when there's nothing you can do. It's a godawful experience. As an aside, if he contacted you 2 wks ago, I don't think this is the last you'll hear from him. Only you can decide if that is good or bad.
BlackbirdSong Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 From what I read, you left him. If you truly want to get back, then it's not on him to "fight" or reach out to you. You have to contact him.
Author AprilTears Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) From what I read, you left him. If you truly want to get back, then it's not on him to "fight" or reach out to you. You have to contact him. Yes, that's what I'm also having difficulty with. I'm what you call a "forced dumper" apparently. I tried to work it out for a solid month but he kept pushing me away. I also kept warning him that I was going to be pushed too far if he kept treating me as he was. And that's what happened. I know he isn't good for me yet I miss him. I think the way in which we ended is so different than a break up I've had before. I feel he dumped me. Gave up on us. His terrible treatment towards me made me go after enduring it for 3 weeks with no resolving it in sight. It's still very hard. He pushed me out. He forced me to go. He'll never see it that way though. He'll see it as you do. That I chose to leave him (in the usual since of the term). Thanks everyone for your replies. Edited March 26, 2015 by AprilTears
BlackbirdSong Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 If you truly think it won't work between you two for whatever reason and you know that he's stubborn and doesn't wish to engage in fixing things, then you're just going to have to move on. You'll both be better off in the long run and maybe way down the road you two could garner a friendship. I'm friends with many of my ex's who destroyed me (and I them) years and years ago. 1
Jonp219 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) If you truly think it won't work between you two for whatever reason and you know that he's stubborn and doesn't wish to engage in fixing things, then you're just going to have to move on. You'll both be better off in the long run and maybe way down the road you two could garner a friendship. I'm friends with many of my ex's who destroyed me (and I them) years and years ago. I don't know how some people do it. I have never kept in contact with an ex nor will I ever, they're pretty much dead in my eyes. If I can't get back with you then I don't see the point of having a friendship with you. Which sucks, because I loved my most recent ex dearly and I still can't picture her not being in my life ever again. But the fact that we ever knew each other is just a memory, i'll never speak to her again for as long as I live unless we can have another relationship. Edited March 26, 2015 by Jonp219
fireflywy Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I'm approaching the one month mark of the day I was left no other choice than to end it with my boyfriend and I immediately went NC. In 2 days I will be 4 weeks from the last words I said to him. He sent me an email two weeks ago that I ignored. It said he missed me and was thinking of me and some other small talk. That's the last I heard from him. I was doing well until this last weekend and up to today where I'm really sad, missing him, wondering. Maybe I'm realizing the finality of it all? I'm not sure but it seems this week is really taking its toll on me. I'm sleeping more than usual and I'm not too motivated. I'm keeping busy as much as possible but I'm having difficulty looking forward to things since he won't be a part of those things. Maybe it's because he didn't care enough to fight for me. Maybe it's because I thought he would've reached out to at least apologize or something. I find myself getting angry pretty easily lately as well and I hate to be that way. I can't stop thinking about him and us and what will never be again and it's really starting to consume my thoughts this week to the point of driving me to tears. Eventually, when you realize that the universe has a different plan for you, a place of wilder yet more soothing places, and someone with more fulfilling love, a place beyond tears and heartache, you'll eventually feel this. Rascal Flatts: "I Feel Bad" ~Lyrics:
Author AprilTears Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 If you truly think it won't work between you two for whatever reason and you know that he's stubborn and doesn't wish to engage in fixing things, then you're just going to have to move on. You'll both be better off in the long run and maybe way down the road you two could garner a friendship. I'm friends with many of my ex's who destroyed me (and I them) years and years ago. Thank you. I do believe this. I was a roller coaster of emotions while with him. He blew hot & cold, never could get out how he truly felt about me. I don't think he thought I would leave but he pushed me to my breaking point. He's let me go before early in the relationship only to return a month later. Oddly enough it was last year at this exact same time that we weren't speaking. We started as friends. Really great friends who shared many things with each other so I could see somewhere far down the line being friends again but if I were in a new relationship by then I wouldn't want to be his friend out of respect for the person I may be with at the time. I don't think I'll hear from him again. Maybe a small part of me does.
Author AprilTears Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Eventually, when you realize that the universe has a different plan for you, a place of wilder yet more soothing places, and someone with more fulfilling love, a place beyond tears and heartache, you'll eventually feel this. Rascal Flatts: "I Feel Bad" ~Lyrics: Thank you so much for this! I try to remind myself of that very thing but it's hard now as I am missing him at the moment. 1
Jonp219 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you. I do believe this. I was a roller coaster of emotions while with him. He blew hot & cold, never could get out how he truly felt about me. I don't think he thought I would leave but he pushed me to my breaking point. He's let me go before early in the relationship only to return a month later. Oddly enough it was last year at this exact same time that we weren't speaking. We started as friends. Really great friends who shared many things with each other so I could see somewhere far down the line being friends again but if I were in a new relationship by then I wouldn't want to be his friend out of respect for the person I may be with at the time. I don't think I'll hear from him again. Maybe a small part of me does. What if enough time has passed and he made steps to change his ways, would you consider a new relationship with him?
fireflywy Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you so much for this! I try to remind myself of that very thing but it's hard now as I am missing him at the moment. April, I'm in the same boat that you are and sailing the same rough seas. My ex didn't care to fight for me either and it hurt at 4 weeks too. It still surfaces sometimes but it is slowly reducing in intensity. I keep tellling myself that if they didn't fight, it doesn't mean that that we ARENT worth it, it just means that they've changed. A friend of mine, Mehran Dadbeh (you can find him on youtube) said that an ex is like tea. I, for example, like hot, sweet, green tea fresh off the stove. However, if I let that tea sit for an hour, it cools down, maybe its not as sweet, maybe it becomes bitter. I no longer want the tea. The point is, our exes, in not wanting us, have changed. Like the tea, they are no longer warm and inviting so, having changed, why should we still try and drink it? They have changed from what they once were and are no longer the tea we want, but the memory of that taste when it first came off the stove. Realizing that, helps I believe. In the end, if they aren't willing to forgive you your mistakes or errors, and they won't fight for you through those things when you are really contrite and desire change, then they'll never be able to stand by you when things get REALLY difficult. Find someone who can and someone who WILL. And you WILL too.
fireflywy Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 P.S. Apriltears, I was the forced dumper too. I told her that I loved her, would have married her, but that she had said some words about holding herself back/truth, never saying I love you after 1.5 years of being together where I was patient, and distancing herself, and that we were on different pages. Her response to that was a cold shrug and "Okay. I don't fight for people who want to leave" and right after I told her how much I loved her, cared about her, and would have asked her to be my wife. A week later, I picked up some stuff I had left behind and ended up, after several conversations, wanting to make it work. I was only away for ONE week. Her response, after a year and half and eight moths of living together, was she needed time, and if she decided yes, that we shuld go back to dating and all after me being patient after a year! I finally pushed for a now or never, and she went cold on me. So yeah, the tea changed (or I was drinking tea thinking it was something different) and she proved to me that what I did, in originally leaving her and following my gut was right. If you did the same thing, and they didn't fight for you, then you MUST let them go.
Author AprilTears Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 April, I'm in the same boat that you are and sailing the same rough seas. My ex didn't care to fight for me either and it hurt at 4 weeks too. It still surfaces sometimes but it is slowly reducing in intensity. I keep tellling myself that if they didn't fight, it doesn't mean that that we ARENT worth it, it just means that they've changed. A friend of mine, Mehran Dadbeh (you can find him on youtube) said that an ex is like tea. I, for example, like hot, sweet, green tea fresh off the stove. However, if I let that tea sit for an hour, it cools down, maybe its not as sweet, maybe it becomes bitter. I no longer want the tea. The point is, our exes, in not wanting us, have changed. Like the tea, they are no longer warm and inviting so, having changed, why should we still try and drink it? They have changed from what they once were and are no longer the tea we want, but the memory of that taste when it first came off the stove. Realizing that, helps I believe. In the end, if they aren't willing to forgive you your mistakes or errors, and they won't fight for you through those things when you are really contrite and desire change, then they'll never be able to stand by you when things get REALLY difficult. Find someone who can and someone who WILL. And you WILL too. Thank you again! The bolded part is what really hits home. Would he be there for me if something really devastating happened to me and I needed him here? My answer is: I don't think so. Yet I was there for him for every single thing that ailed him or anything in his family, etc. He was just very different than anyone I have ever been with before. He made having a relationship very difficult. My biggest mistake was thinking I could change him into someone he just could not be. There were red flags. Hel*, he admitted that he was f'd up but I stuck with him anyway. So while I know it is for the best that it ended it is still very hard and sad. It's hard because I put in SO MUCH. I tried and tried to please that man and make him happy. He said he was very happy but as I have said, one strike and I am out! I asked him if he wanted me out of his life (after he informed me he was having trouble dealing with my "mistake") he gave me an emphatic "NO". In fact, I tried to break up with him later that same day and he stopped me. I don't know why he stopped me because he continued pushing me away for a couple weeks after. After many attempts to resolve I finally gave up. I never give up! My heart couldn't take it anymore though. A forced dumper I became. Thank you so much for replying to me and sharing your story. I appreciate it very much!
Author AprilTears Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 What if enough time has passed and he made steps to change his ways, would you consider a new relationship with him? Knowing his relationship history and our history my gut says no. However, if he actually told me how he felt about me and what he has done and would do to change, I may listen. The thing is I just don't see him ever taking the blame for even 10% of our downfall. It's just who he is.
fireflywy Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Thank you again! The bolded part is what really hits home. Would he be there for me if something really devastating happened to me and I needed him here? My answer is: I don't think so. Yet I was there for him for every single thing that ailed him or anything in his family, etc. He was just very different than anyone I have ever been with before. He made having a relationship very difficult. My biggest mistake was thinking I could change him into someone he just could not be. There were red flags. Hel*, he admitted that he was f'd up but I stuck with him anyway. So while I know it is for the best that it ended it is still very hard and sad. It's hard because I put in SO MUCH. I tried and tried to please that man and make him happy. He said he was very happy but as I have said, one strike and I am out! I asked him if he wanted me out of his life (after he informed me he was having trouble dealing with my "mistake") he gave me an emphatic "NO". In fact, I tried to break up with him later that same day and he stopped me. I don't know why he stopped me because he continued pushing me away for a couple weeks after. After many attempts to resolve I finally gave up. I never give up! My heart couldn't take it anymore though. A forced dumper I became. Thank you so much for replying to me and sharing your story. I appreciate it very much! April, I've suggested this several times on this board and to several people, but since your break up sounds like mine ( my ex also said she was happy with a one strike policy) you should really read the book "Attached: The New Science of Relationships" and find out if your ex has an avoidant attachment style and what yours is a well. It may be a tremendous help.
Author AprilTears Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Thanks! I will definitely check it out!
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