Lets set the rules! Begging vs Pleading... When to stop?

March 25, 2015

So, i have been reading about people begging and pleading their significant others. Some people asked for forgiveness, others asked for time, others said they have changed for good, some didn't say anything and let them go...

But i am confused as ****...

What constitutes begging and pleading? And does it really matter? I HAVE to understand what ACTUALLY is begging and pleading.... Tell me from the example below, the examples of begging and pleading if you find any.....

For example.....

In my case, she ignored me for a week, out of the blue.... So when i finally got a hold of her.. She went straight to "I don't know if want this. I don't want this..."

Now, everything started making sense. Why she was ignoring me the whole week. So, i asked her if there is someone else. She said "I don't want to answer that" Well, that is was answer enough for me.

Now, i got emotional, and i was crying over the phone. I DIDN'T beg her of plead or anything.... She was on the other side of the phone and i was on this side. I was HURT! and i was crying.... NOT BEGGING, NOT PLEADING!

After i had taken the initial blow, i stopped and i said... you are breaking my heart! Why are you doing this all of a sudden... she made all her excuses "Distance, and stresses, and yaddi yadda" I knew that she went GIGS on my, but i had not learned that term yet.... I knew there was someone else

Now, next day i called her and told her... This **** is over.... i am not going to take this **** anymore.. we are done! and she went absolutely ****ing nuts. "Baby! please, baby! i am sorry.... what changed in one day? What happened? Why don't you want to be with me??"

I was like, WTF is wrong with you? You said you have found someone, now go and be with them. We are ****ing over.... She says (it was late at night) no please, we will talk about this tomorrow. I said "I am not picking up your calls or anything" She said "No please, come see me. Come see me."

We drove half way 5 hours each... and met in a city in the middle. So, she comes in with a different attitude... "the whole drive has made me feel like it really is very difficult.. It is so difficult" I sat her down... i said "Listen, i know i can leave now and never come back. I know i can find someone else. But that does not mean that i will. I want you, i don't need you, but i want you. That is what LOVE is"

This was a Friday, emotions were HIGH. And it got really late so we went to bed. She cuddled with me, and said that we can make it work but it is very difficult. But we decided to try it out. (I think i made a mistake here... IDK, you guys tell me). Then on Saturday, we went out to eat, went to movie, went to a park (Like old times!).. This is us meeting after 2 months (LDR 2 MONTH, so first time since she moved). So Saturday night, she gets a message from this guy Z (she is in a relationship with him now, week after our break up) and she completely losses it. She goes "Oh ****! I missed my roommate's birthday. I feel like ****. Z is being a bitch about it. I made the plans and i missed it, forgot about it"

I was like who cares? You have met these people for 2 months, we have something for longer than 8 months. That doesn't make sense.... So she goes, i feel like am living a double life... She just turned 180 in 5 secs. Like, when she gets stressed out, she is a completely different person.

But i REASONED with her... try to show her what we have, why we should have it... I NEVER said "I am NOTHING WITHOUT you" i told her that "I see us seriously, and that i have given up all my back up girls after i met her because i really see her as a potential partner"

And so she came back to her senses... BUT, i could tell that something was off.. WE drive back on Sunday.... Between Sunday and Tuesday she was acting hot and cold, hot and cold, hot and cold. So, on Tuesday i said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I called her and told her that she was all over the place, and that she doesn't ****ING know what she wants. We are done! We ended on a good note.

The next day i told her that i didn't want to break up with her and that her behavior forced me to break up with her. And that i still have feelings for her and that she shouldn't see my feelings for her as a weakness. She replied in a nice and collected way.

Then, i called her one last time (that was just me over thinking)... after a week of NC. I said, tell how the hell did we end up here? She was MEAN as **** at that time... she said "I thought the way we broke off was good. It was a good way to end this. Why am i starting this again?"

I said, i am starting this again because this was absolute bull****. You call me drunk out of the blue and start blabbering about some guy. And then you want me to act all calm and collected. While i was also dealing with the news of my grandma being REALLY sick. Why didn't you communicate that you weren't happy? Why didn't you say anything? A week before the call you are sending me pics of houses that you see us together in. A week later you are confused as ****.... Between all that you have completely lost it! Getting drunk as ****, passing out in parties, getting bloody eyes because you are throwing up so hard.... I MEAN WTF IS GOING ON?

In the end, i asked "Is it really over.... i mean... is it?" She said "Yes it is over..."

Next day she texts me "How are you doing" I ignored it... So she says "I am sorry how the call ended last night"

I said "Well, it still doesn't change our feelings.... but whatever makes you happy."

So she said " It is not that..."

IDK WHAT THE **** THAT MEANT!

Anyways... after 1 more week of NC (but staying friends) I asked her "Are you satisfied with your decision..?" She said "So far i am"

So i said " Well, that is it then. I am not staying friends. I can't be in this position"

She says " I dont want you to go through this pain :(" HHUUHH?

I said "Bye, L"

She said "Bye, *Nickname she gave me when we were together" CHEAP!

SO now help me understand.... Did i beg or plead?? What were the mistakes i made? I want to know....

March 25, 2015

Meh wouldn't say you begged or pleaded. The crying over the phone probably came across as very weak, but emotions got the best of you, it happens. However texting her and asking her if she believes she made the right decision comes cross as quite needy..

March 25, 2015

Meh wouldn't say you begged or pleaded. The crying over the phone probably came across as very weak, but emotions got the best of you, it happens. However texting her and asking her if she believes she made the right decision comes cross as quite needy..

But that was my last contact.... havent talked since... basically, i wanted to let her know that was it...

March 25, 2015

My self - penned motto:

"I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best I work on in my own time."

Think about what it means to live that way.

March 25, 2015

But that was my last contact.... havent talked since... basically, i wanted to let her know that was it...

This SHOULD have been the very last thing you said to her:

...I was like, WTF is wrong with you? You said you have found someone, now go and be with them. We are ****ing over.... She says (it was late at night) no please, we will talk about this tomorrow. I said "I am not picking up your calls or anything"

Any more than that was totally unnecessary, and you certainly should not have driven all that way to be slammed in the kisser.

That's when you showed signs of neediness/desperation.

i said "Listen, i know i can leave now and never come back. I know i can find someone else. But that does not mean that i will. I want you, i don't need you, but i want you. That is what LOVE is"

She cuddled with me, and said that we can make it work but it is very difficult. But we decided to try it out. (I think i made a mistake here... IDK, you guys tell me).

(Oh good grief, yes!!)

Then on Saturday, we went out to eat, went to movie, went to a park (Like old times!)..

But you knew, even then, you were kidding yourself, right? You can't 'un-know' what you know!

i told her that "I see us seriously, and that i have given up all my back up girls after i met her because i really see her as a potential partner"

Not the way to woo a lady....! 'Potential partner'...? That means other possibilities may still exist!

The next day i told her that i didn't want to break up with her and that her behavior forced me to break up with her. And that i still have feelings for her and that she shouldn't see my feelings for her as a weakness.

needy/clingy....!

So she says "I am sorry how the call ended last night"
I said "Well, it still doesn't change our feelings.... but whatever makes you happy."

Should have stayed in NC!!

after 1 more week of NC (but staying friends) I asked her "Are you satisfied with your decision..?" She said "So far i am"
So i said " Well, that is it then. I am not staying friends. I can't be in this position"

Should have stayed in NC!!

You didn't beg or plead, but there are more mistakes there than I can shake a stick at, the main one being that you persisted in contacting her!

Nothing a Dumper tells you will make sense, ring true or answer your questions.

If you seek closure from her, stop now!

YOU give yourself closure, and no explanations are necessary.

She found someone else, and dumped you.

But you went back for more, even though you knew, really, that it was futile.

There - are your mistakes.

March 25, 2015

IMO...When you "think/feel" that you begged or whatever you want to call it, you have. All that 5hr drive to meet up did was waste gas,time and money..PERIOD! So..basically..If you ask the question...you did the deed.

March 25, 2015

Meh wouldn't say you begged or pleaded. The crying over the phone probably came across as very weak, but emotions got the best of you, it happens. However texting her and asking her if she believes she made the right decision comes cross as quite needy..

I'm going to second this.

Continuing to reach out to her questioning her decision is no better than if you were begging or pleading for her to take you back.

At some point you need to cut your losses and move on for both your sake.

March 25, 2015

I did my first heartbreak all wrong. Having had no experience, I didn't know what I was supposed to do and not do, because I didn't come with a manual. So I had to wing it, as most of us do.

After that experience, I thought about it for a while, and i decided that I needed a speech. That way, I could control what I was going to say, and how I would say it, I could keep the interaction short, and I could walk away AND give very little breakup satisfaction to the girl. I mean, let's face it, they're all different. Some want to talk, some want to cry, some want to split. Breakups are like a box of turds, you don't know what you're going to get, you just know you're not going to like it.

The beauty of the generic "getting dumped" speech is that you retain some measure of control over the encounter. You control the conversation, basically by interrupting, having your say, then leaving.

As a veteran dumpee, having survived more than my share of dumpings, I found the speech approach served me well each time. Sometimes, it just ended it. Other times, it left the dumper confounded.

It seems to me that you're focusing on what happened, rather than on what you want to happen next time.

My speech is on a post on LS somewhere. Not verbatim, but close.

March 25, 2015

My speech is on a post on LS somewhere. Not verbatim, but close.

If it's not: "Excuse me waiter/es, can I have three shots of your most expensive shot and two beers,thanks." Then in the middle of her "blah,blah,blah",while you're drinking your order...excusing yourself to the restroom and sticking her with the check, I don't want to hear it!

March 25, 2015

Oh boy that was painful to read, such a big mess and you say you are confused? Of course you begged and pleaded.

Crying that for me pleading it's " oh please stay don't hurt me"

Reasoning with her, that basically begging you are are saying " You don't love that guy, we have a stronger connection".
Read what you wrote here"After i had taken the initial blow, i stopped and i said... you are breaking my heart! Why are you doing this all of a sudden... she made all her excuses "Distance, and stresses, and yaddi yadda" I knew that she went GIGS on my, but i had not learned that term yet.... I knew there was someone else" There's no such a thing called GIGS it's an excuse, you were begging.
You kept chasing = begging and pleading.

Just read what wrote again and you'll see you all the mistakes, you went full needy mode on her,turned her off and overwhelmed her, well what i want to say you became the woman here ( No offense to you or the ladies here) But you showed her that you are not confident, more like submissive. Women HATE needy guys, it's basically tells them you are not strong enough to lead them as an ALPHA male.

Sorry if i'm coming bit blunt but i like to be straight forward, and you shouldn't make excuses for her ( GIGS) and putting her on a pedestal , it's about time for you to go NC and improve yourself, you don't want to make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

March 25, 2015

Never beg or plead, first off. It's pathetic and weak. Few things are less attractive.

Accept that. Live by that. That's a fact.

March 25, 2015

Never beg or plead, first off. It's pathetic and weak. Few things are less attractive.

Accept that. Live by that. That's a fact.

Thats absolutely true.

In every case it repels people.

Guaranteed.

March 25, 2015

If it's not: "Excuse me waiter/es, can I have three shots of your most expensive shot and two beers,thanks." Then in the middle of her "blah,blah,blah",while you're drinking your order...excusing yourself to the restroom and sticking her with the check, I don't want to hear it!

See? That sounds like a solid plan, unless of course she takes you to a gas station somewhere way out in the countryside, where the only "shot" you'll get is by the locals... or her.

You gotta think ahead, right?

March 25, 2015

but, the fact of the matter is that through out the relationship, she was the one chasing and i was the one leading....

I am not making excuses, i am accepting everything that you guys are telling me.

But that week, i was trying to get a hold of her. And i wanted to talk to her about all the **** that was going on my life. That was the FIRST time that i actually needed her to be there. But, look what i got in return? What i understand from you guys is that if you are in a relationship, never act weak, never act emotional. Well, then what is that person for? If they come crying to us, we always listen. But if life hits us hard and sends us flying, we can't lay our head on their shoulder?

Through out the relationship, she was the one chasing, i never GAVE a single ****. HONEST! I am the ALPHA male that she craved ( that is how i am naturally, and i am back to that) But even the toughest of people have their weak moments, and in those moments you go to the one person who you trust. But, the fact that i called her at my weakest point and she asking for a break coincided in the same phone call.. I was there to tell her about my **** and she ended up telling me hers ( i was so surprised, i was like so taken by surprise).

If the women are not going to reciprocate the help in our **** times than how is a relationship suppose to work? If as a man, i am still to go out into the park alone and cry about something under a tree alone, then what is the point of having this person on my side? SEX? I can have a call girl over, except she comes with no strings attached....

I don't get it!? Honestly, i don't!

March 25, 2015

You see things in black and white.

In reality, you can be strong and a force to be reckoned with and still have a difficult moment here and there. I'm not sure of your whole story but I'll tell you how I am and it works quite well.

Confident to the very Damn near line of cocky. Sometimes I cross it. And my secret is, I couldn't care less if that offends someone. My confidence in my looks, my intelligence, my abilities (personal causation) are absolutely unwavering. And I've seen that the only people that that intimidates are the weak. I don't want them associating with me. Insecurity is a flaw that's all too common and it's useless.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Strength in Healing

March 25, 2015

If the women are not going to reciprocate the help in our **** times than how is a relationship suppose to work? I don't get it!? Honestly, i don't!

No, I suppose you don't.

First, most relationships don't work out. If the average person has three LT relationships in their life, then you're no different.

I had six long term. Count the ones under a year, and it almost doubles. I don't know if I'm average or not, but either way, by definition, girls are going to bail on you, and that usually happens after some kind of trouble.

In terms of dumper/dumpee, for me it was pretty close to 50/50... again, that should be about right, so sometimes, you'll be the one doing the abandoning. If you never do that, then you're either damn lucky in your choices, or not too discerning, or something is awry, don't you think?

But bottom line, I think the big takeaway here is that most of your relationships won't last. Only the last one does, so again, by definition, your ratio of successful to unsuccessful relationships is going to be one over some number. A small fraction, in other words.

For me, it was for a variety of reasons. If you have the same reason cropping up over and over, I'd have to say it was you.

March 25, 2015

You see things in black and white.

In reality, you can be strong and a force to be reckoned with and still have a difficult moment here and there. I'm not sure of your whole story but I'll tell you how I am and it works quite well.

Confident to the very Damn near line of cocky. Sometimes I cross it. And my secret is, I couldn't care less if that offends someone. My confidence in my looks, my intelligence, my abilities (personal causation) are absolutely unwavering. And I've seen that the only people that that intimidates is the weak, and the world has enough weak people. I don't want them associating with me.

That is exactly what she used to say... You are so smart, intelligent, confident, sociable, talkative, convincing.... Sometimes you are too cocky, why don't you think what people will say. You are crazy, you don't give a ****, do you?

I KNOW, TRUST ME, I KNOW what you mean..... and that is who i am. I. DONT. GIVE. A. SINGLE. ****. ABOUT. WHAT. PEOPLE. HAVE. TO. SAY. OR. THINK. ABOUT. ME.....

All of this things just coincided with my weak point and her change of mind.... these two things just came together at the right time and for wrong outcome...

And, this whole ordeal took place from Feb 14 to Feb 26. That is 2 weeks. Break up happened on 24th.

The fact that she already have someone lined up tells me that IT DOESN'T BLOODY matter WHAT I DID OR DIDN'T DO. She had made up her mind, and she was already asking me to be her friend. **** THAT! Friend my ****ing foot... i told her that!

My whole point is..... WHAT IS THE POINT OF RELATIONSHIPS? You still have to pretend to be strong when you are weak... then what is the point of this person beside you? Huh?

I am not shouting, i am emphasizing with capitalization...

March 25, 2015

but, the fact of the matter is that through out the relationship, she was the one chasing and i was the one leading....
I am not making excuses, i am accepting everything that you guys are telling me.

But that week, i was trying to get a hold of her. And i wanted to talk to her about all the **** that was going on my life. That was the FIRST time that i actually needed her to be there. But, look what i got in return? What i understand from you guys is that if you are in a relationship, never act weak, never act emotional. Well, then what is that person for? If they come crying to us, we always listen. But if life hits us hard and sends us flying, we can't lay our head on their shoulder?

Through out the relationship, she was the one chasing, i never GAVE a single ****. HONEST! I am the ALPHA male that she craved ( that is how i am naturally, and i am back to that) But even the toughest of people have their weak moments, and in those moments you go to the one person who you trust. But, the fact that i called her at my weakest point and she asking for a break coincided in the same phone call.. I was there to tell her about my **** and she ended up telling me hers ( i was so surprised, i was like so taken by surprise).

If the women are not going to reciprocate the help in our **** times than how is a relationship suppose to work? If as a man, i am still to go out into the park alone and cry about something under a tree alone, then what is the point of having this person on my side? SEX? I can have a call girl over, except she comes with no strings attached....

I don't get it!? Honestly, i don't!

You are looking at it in a wrong way, She was an EX don't go to her about the **** you have in your life unless you have no feeling for her and want her as friend, that's not what you want.

Maybe at the start of the relationship you were the ALPHA male but my friend being a dominant alpha doesn't mean not giving a flying f*@ck it's the opposite. Alpha mean you can lead, decisive and confident, when your girl is venting about her feelings it's up to you to validate them and make her feel SAFE. You became needy and that's why you turned her off.

She was already an Ex, she doesn't care about what your going in your life after you break up,she was enjoying the company of the other guy and you called her!! basically friendzoned yourself and went from the Alpha to the the emotional tampon and believe me she was happy to vent to you about her life.

I'd say the time you went to her at your weakest point ( wonder why you picked her!) you were trying to get her feel some sympathy for and maybe that would change her mind, that's why you are pissed. What you don't understand or you refuse to is what you had was over, it's you're not her problem, SHE WAS DONE WITH YOU.

Here's a rule : Once a women is done with you, there's no reason for you to go and vent about your life to her, unless you wanna FRIENDZONE yourself.

March 25, 2015

You are looking at it in a wrong way, She was an EX don't go to her about the **** you have in your life unless you have no feeling for her and want her as friend, that's not what you want.

Maybe at the start of the relationship you were the ALPHA male but my friend being a dominant alpha doesn't mean not giving a flying f*@ck it's the opposite. Alpha mean you can lead, decisive and confident, when your girl is venting about her feelings it's up to you to validate them and make her feel SAFE. You became needy and that's why you turned her off.

She was already an Ex, she doesn't care about what your going in your life after you break up,she was enjoying the company of the other guy and you called her!! basically friendzoned yourself and went from the Alpha to the the emotional tampon and believe me she was happy to vent to you about her life.

I'd say the time you went to her at your weakest point ( wonder why you picked her!) you were trying to get her feel some sympathy for and maybe that would change her mind, that's why you are pissed. What you don't understand or you refuse to is what you had was over, it's you're not her problem, SHE WAS DONE WITH YOU.

Here's a rule : Once a women is done with you, there's no reason for you to go and vent about your life to her, unless you wanna FRIENDZONE yourself.

She was my GF when i called.... and instead of me telling her about my problems she ended up telling me that she wants a break...

sorry, if i failed to convey my message..

March 25, 2015

Ah, excellent. I see we share leadership traits.

Understand then that quite simply, there truly wasn't anything you could've done better. If the relationship had what it took, the ship would've never sunk. Understand that, that's a fact.

If I were you I would probably at this point tell her she was never really that attractive and at times you stayed with her out of pitty. True or not, immature or not, the bridge is burnt because of her, you might as well nuke the other side now.

Taking the high road is so overrated. The view isn't that great and the destination is the same, but taking the twisted paths will leave you realizing you have a whole lot more fun along the ride.

March 25, 2015

Ah, excellent. I see we share leadership traits.

Understand then that quite simply, there truly wasn't anything you could've done better. If the relationship had what it took, the ship would've never sunk. Understand that, that's a fact.

If I were you I would probably at this point tell her she was never really that attractive and at times you stayed with her out of pitty. True or not, immature or not, the bridge is burnt because of her, you might as well nuke the other side now.

Taking the high road is so overrated. The view isn't that great and the destination is the same, but taking the twisted paths will leave you realizing you have a whole lot more fun along the ride.

She was discussing with me that no one can get out of a ticket....

I saw a cop car on the signal, i overtook it, and slowed down to below 15 mph. I told her, watch he is going to pull me over. I started swerving a little and breaking. 1 minute later, the lights come on. He came to me and did the whole procedure. I made up some BS and got out of the ticket....

I did it for myself more than her.... i like doing **** like that.... her argument just pushed me to do it.

I am NOT bragging.... i am just telling you what type of person i am.... My nature, my personality...

but, i also believe that once you are in a relationship, there should be no games, no moves, no crap like that....

Why can't people just have a good person on their side who is also SMART, and just be content with it???

When you say "I love you" you mean you are ready to put up with any bull**** that that person is going through. And i didn't even put her through ANYTHING..... FIRST TIME! And she bailed...

March 25, 2015

She was my GF when i called.... and instead of me telling her about my problems she ended up telling me that she wants a break...

sorry, if i failed to convey my message..

She wasn't your GF at that time, read what you wrote

"In my case, she ignored me for a week, out of the blue.... So when i finally got a hold of her.. She went straight to "I don't know if want this. I don't want this..."

Now, everything started making sense. Why she was ignoring me the whole week. So, i asked her if there is someone else. She said "I don't want to answer that" Well, that is was answer enough for me. "

That means there's a guy, you didn't get the hint and stated to be needy which obviously turned her off completely. At that moment your relationship with her was already over, you became the ex at time.

You read it wrong

March 25, 2015

She wasn't your GF at that time, read what you wrote
"In my case, she ignored me for a week, out of the blue.... So when i finally got a hold of her.. She went straight to "I don't know if want this. I don't want this..."
Now, everything started making sense. Why she was ignoring me the whole week. So, i asked her if there is someone else. She said "I don't want to answer that" Well, that is was answer enough for me. "
That means there's a guy, you didn't get the hint and stated to be needy which obviously turned her off completely. At that moment your relationship with her was already over, you became the ex at time.

You read it wrong

God damn it!

You are right!

I feel like ****....... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

The funny thing is that i KNOW i KNOW she isn't not going to find anyone like me..... She is so stupid.... How can you not see what you have? I feel more disrespected than hurt.... That bitch!

I swear..... How can i let myself down like that? I am so emotionless usually.... i don't even know if i am going to cry when my parents die... and i mishandled this **** so hard..... WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Edited March 25, 2015 by Karin2rinkashi

March 25, 2015

Your best mode of action now is to show her how much her absence doesn't matter, and never contact her. Ironically this is your best chance of getting her back. But my strongest advice is she isn't worth allowing to come back.

March 25, 2015

Your best mode of action now is to show her how much her absence doesn't matter, and never contact her. Ironically this is your best chance of getting her back. But my strongest advice is she isn't worth allowing to come back.

Mate, i already told you..... I dont want her back....

**** her.... she can be with that chump all day ****ing long...

And, she isn't affecting my life anymore.... AT ALL...

I am going for my second skydive this weekend and then i am starting my AFF course and jump from 18000 ****ing feet...

The guy she is dating..... LOOOOOL.....

I just feel so stupid.... SO STUPID!

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