What are some ways to "break the ice" on a first meet and greet from a online dating?

March 25, 2015

The chap I was meeting gave me a big smile and said "Hello Trouble how are you?"

I think you need to practice meeting random strangers... Start talking to people when you go shopping and stuff like that. Thats how I did it. Now I can talk to almost anyone anywhere. In fact I am bit of a nightmare for it now... my friends all think I am mad...!

Friday, I was in the car park and had a load of time left on my ticket. Gave the ticket to a lady that had just turned up. By the end of 5 minutes I had learnt it was her birthday, that she had a horrible day up until that point, that she was very worried about a sick family member and had also had massive big hugs...

Random - but she and I both went away from that encounter smiling.

I used to spend my life on my own. I would go weeks with out contact with another human... If I can learn so can you! Exactly the same principles apply when meeting someone for the first time...

But it really does help if you smile. I have had 2 that didn't smile at me and both times I wanted to walk away... In fact perhaps I should have done, because they were not so great dates...

They probably were shy

March 25, 2015

^^ Third paragraph -- yeah the "hug" thing right off the bat would turn me off too ...for the same reasons you posted above.

But it works for ff, so go figure. Some women like it!

Different strokes...

Agreed the hug is horrible advice. I wouldnt be surprised at all if FF does it, and some women awkwardly go along with it while cringing inside, and FF doesnt even realize it. Guys that have premeditated "moves" like that are usually not at all in touch with how women actually perceive them.

March 25, 2015

Guys like fitnessfan are confident alpha males. Even though he's a hugger & I'm a woman who hates that much contact initially, somehow I promise although I can't explain it, we'd be able to figure that out about each other before the hug was attempted.

smg -- as for the smiling, that is an important part of those 1st 10 minutes. Even if you are shy, practice smiling at strangers. Just smile. Nothing else. It will be easier then when you meet your OLD date.

March 25, 2015

Agreed the hug is horrible advice. I wouldnt be surprised at all if FF does it, and some women awkwardly go along with it while cringing inside, and FF doesnt even realize it. Guys that have premeditated "moves" like that are usually not at all in touch with how women actually perceive them.

Shaking a woman's hand is way too "job interview" for me. In real life when you meet women for dates, you greet each other with a hug. I mean if you've had good phone interaction and it isn't a "catfish" situation, I treat it like real life. Not an online "meet"/interview process.

I mean giving a simple hug, letting a woman know I appreciate her appearance, and gently leading by the small of her back is not coming on too strong IMO. Plus, as I said before, I hang back the rest of the night and give her lots of space. The only other physical contact I have with a woman is at the end of the night, IF I choose to kiss her goodnight. But since I am selective, I only go for a kiss if the chemistry is there all night.

March 25, 2015

I usually break the tension with the 7 degrees of separation thing. Not necessarily with relatives, but places/locations. I have lived and seen a lot of places in my life, and usually with almost anyone I can have a common bond in a location they have either lived or visited before.

March 25, 2015

Guys like fitnessfan are confident alpha males. Even though he's a hugger & I'm a woman who hates that much contact initially, somehow I promise although I can't explain it, we'd be able to figure that out about each other before the hug was attempted.

This is very true. The reason why I feel confident to go for a simple hug (you guys make it sound like I drape myself all over a woman) is because I pick up on the vibe of the interaction. I also pay attention to when I first see her in person.

If she is sitting down and not standing, I'll hold back. Or if she was a bit more shy on the phone, I'll just start talking to her and keep my distance. But overall in general (85-90% of the time) I'm confident in the interaction so far that she'd be comfortable with a friendly greeting. BTW - If a woman is uncomfortable, you can tell from her body language. So if a woman was "cringing" on the inside, she'd be as stiff as a board. Not completely relaxed and receptive.

But the reason why "nice guys" like male bug me, is because they're so worried about offending a woman, that they don't know how to act like a guy. I mean honestly, if you're too scared to even hug a woman, how are you ever going to kiss her when the situation calls for it?

Edited March 25, 2015 by fitnessfan365

March 25, 2015

Even though he's a hugger & I'm a woman who hates that much contact initially, somehow I promise although I can't explain it, we'd be able to figure that out about each other before the hug was attempted.

yeah the "hug" thing right off the bat would turn me off too

giving a simple hug, letting a woman know I appreciate her appearance, and gently leading by the small of her back is not coming on too strong

Thats exaclty what I'm talking about. Guys like FF do what they do REGARDLESS of what other women think. That is classic male ego making the assumption that its OK for him to physically touch you just because you showed up to meet him in person. The woman may not even like what she sees now that she is in person with you, but guys like that have that automatic mindset that women love them.

I guarantee that more women if asked will say they do not want hugged in that situation vs those that do want hugged.

March 25, 2015

But the reason why "nice guys" like male bug me, is because they're so worried about offending a woman, that they don't know how to act like a guy. I mean honestly, if you're too scared to even hug a woman, how are you ever going to kiss her when the situation calls for it?

Thats the difference between me and you.

I dont need to physically touch a woman to act like a man. I convey it to the woman with manners, respect, and intelligent conversation. In your own words YOU stated you use your "move" to show her you are a man

March 25, 2015

Male -- to some extent you are correct. Any man that hugs a woman who's body language -- posture & demeanor -- is screaming that she doesn't want to be touched, is clearly wrong. Even fitnessfan365 acknowledged that if he's getting a back off vibe, he backs off. It's about reading the other person. (fitnessfan, please don't think I'm picking on you but your posts do present the most convenient contrast)

I actually think more women want that initial hug then don't. Most OLD folks have built some sort of connection up in their mind before the initial meeting IRL. Otherwise most of them would not have agreed to the meet. Some women like me and katiegrl don't care for that much contact up front but we also make that clear.

I learned fast to avoid the hug, that I don't want. I either stay seated or I hold out my hand for a handshake. Even though that is very business like & somewhat impersonal for a date / 1st meet, it sets a boundary, that even guys like fitnessfan or guys that don't have his level of sense, will respect & not cross. A handshake is also the way guys greet either other, friends & business colleagues so it's not putting to most men while simultaneously breeching the touch barrier.

When it comes to dating, generalizations only get you so far. It's more important that you click with the person you are on the date with rather than some pre-conceived idea of what the majority wants.

March 25, 2015

Male -- to some extent you are correct. Any man that hugs a woman who's body language -- posture & demeanor -- is screaming that she doesn't want to be touched, is clearly wrong.

Hugging when you meet the woman for the first time has NO meaning, and no point to it whatsoever. If the date doesnt go well that hug is forgotten. If the date goes great, then a hug and a kiss may follow at the conclusion, and that first hug has no bearing.

FF is assuming its OK to hug just because this woman is meeting him. Period. He has no proof that she will want to see him again at that point, so theres no reason to hug.

Giving a woman a hello hug in that situation conveys nothing to her because you havent interacted personally yet. I truly believe most guys are risking a negative vibe from the woman by attempting it.

If the woman initiated a hug then I would do it. I'm not saying I am against it under all circumstances. I'm simply saying that I think its wrong for the guy to initiate it at that point and time.

Back on topic though........

Hobbies, work, current events, there is a plethora of topics to talk about with her when you first meet.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Male

March 25, 2015

Male -- while I tend to agree with you, that it's meaningless to hug a stranger, I still think a lot of people see it as good thing.

Bottom line remains about compatibility. If the two people involved think it means something, it does mean something to them.

March 25, 2015

Thats the difference between me and you.

I dont need to physically touch a woman to act like a man. I convey it to the woman with manners, respect, and intelligent conversation. In your own words YOU stated you use your "move" to show her you are a man

I feel bad for you man. Society has conditioned you into thinking that being a weak beta male is charming. But there is a reason why guys like you are friends with women and guys like me are romantically involved with them.

1) If I'm confident in the previous interaction and I know she'll be receptive, I am giving her a friendly hug. Once again, friendly brief hug. It's not me trying to mount her standing up.

2) Ask any woman I've dated. They'll all say that I'm an old school gentleman. It's how I was raised and I take it seriously. I open doors, pull out chairs, walk next to the curb, etc.. For the entire night I respect her space, and rely only on conversation and fun banter (essential in building tension). The only other physical contact I have with a woman is at the end of the night, if I choose to kiss her.

But in the end, a woman wants a man that will make her feel safe and protect her. If you're too scared to even hug a woman hello, how would you ever defend her?

March 25, 2015

I'm trying to think of all the first dates I've been on, and which were started with hugs vs. handshakes. I can't remember, but I'm a pretty friendly person, so getting things rolling with a quick hello hug was never a big deal.

FWIW, if a guy ever whispered in my ear and put his hand on the small of my back WHILE in the midst of what would otherwise be a friendly "nice to meet you" hug, I would probably have my guard up for a while. A hand on the small of my back is way too familiar a move for initial face-to-face interaction, and I would assume—rightly or wrongly—that the guys motives were more sexual than anything else.

HOWEVER, to get back on-topic, OP, small talk is just that, small. It doesn't have to be very deep or even very interesting. The whole point is to get the other person talking so it gives you more conversational fodder.

"How was your day?"

"Did you have trouble parking/finding the place?"

"Do you come here a lot?"

Or, compliment something about her outfit.

"Nice shoes; where'd you get them?"

"That's a really nice bag/earrings/necklace/etc."

Also, don't worry if there's a bit of an awkward silence. Let the girl pick up the conversation ball. That's one thing I say to myself when I feel pressured to keep the conversation going—the guy (or in your case, girl) can (and should) do some of it, too.

March 25, 2015

Shaking a woman's hand is way too "job interview" for me. In real life when you meet women for dates, you greet each other with a hug. I mean if you've had good phone interaction and it isn't a "catfish" situation, I treat it like real life. Not an online "meet"/interview process.

I mean giving a simple hug, letting a woman know I appreciate her appearance, and gently leading by the small of her back is not coming on too strong IMO. Plus, as I said before, I hang back the rest of the night and give her lots of space. The only other physical contact I have with a woman is at the end of the night, IF I choose to kiss her goodnight. But since I am selective, I only go for a kiss if the chemistry is there all night.

No need to get defensive ff....clearly it works for you..and who knows maybe if *I* met you, I'd like it too!

It's just that the men I have met who attempted to hug me right outta the gate, have been.. well, rather creepy.

It depends on the person doing the hugging, how the hug is attempted, and if you have developed a certain comfort level and good rapport prior to meeting....

March 25, 2015

You guys are arguing over something that is cultural. You should all indicate where you are from.

100% of my 1st dates start and end with a hug (accolade). You are suppose to have exchanged enough with this person to feel a rapport with them. If a man went for a handshake on our first meeting I'd probably be offended. We are meeting for a potential romantic relationship not to go over my life insurance.

March 25, 2015

No need to get defensive ff....clearly it works for you..and who knows maybe if *I* met you, I'd like it too!

It's just that the men I have met who attempted to hug me right outta the gate, have been.. well, rather creepy.

It depends on the person doing the hugging, how the hug is attempted, and if you have developed a certain comfort level and good rapport prior to meeting....

It's just a subject I'm very passionate about. So when a beta "male" starts preaching his nice guy propaganda, it makes me want to debate.

But AWESOME post Katie and that's what I've been saying. I'm confident to hug because of how selective I am. I'm a realist and only focus on women that have the same mindset. After all, there is a reason why you said you'd give me your number if you didn't have a boyfriend right after we met. The initial rapport and simiar thinking is there to where you'd want a hug from me when we met.

I think that a lot of guys that do OLD are pretty clueless when it comes to women and have limited experience in actually approaching in real life. So they're very socially awkward and don't get how the interaction between men and women works on a basic level. Your thoughts on the creepers made me :p:p:p:p:p

Edited March 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 25, 2015

100% of my 1st dates start and end with a hug (accolade). You are suppose to have exchanged enough with this person to feel a rapport with them. If a man went for a handshake on our first meeting I'd probably be offended. We are meeting for a potential romantic relationship not to go over my life insurance.

Hahahahahaha!!!!! :laugh::laugh:

Oh man, this slayed me. Awesome post.

March 25, 2015

I'm trying to think of all the first dates I've been on, and which were started with hugs vs. handshakes. I can't remember, but I'm a pretty friendly person, so getting things rolling with a quick hello hug was never a big deal.

FWIW, if a guy ever whispered in my ear and put his hand on the small of my back WHILE in the midst of what would otherwise be a friendly "nice to meet you" hug, I would probably have my guard up for a while. A hand on the small of my back is way too familiar a move for initial face-to-face interaction, and I would assume—rightly or wrongly—that the guys motives were more sexual than anything else.

Haha.. I think you have the wrong idea of how I handle myself. It isn't a "whisper" like I'm trying to imitate a phone sex operator. It's just a simple softer spoken compliment. Maybe you enjoy having a guy talk loud when he's right by your ear. But I tend to assume, she'll appreciate a little bit lower decebal level.

Also, leading a woman by the small of her back to start walking, or to head into a building for a brief second is not being overly sexual. It's just being masculine and leading the interaction. However, since the small of a woman's back is an erogenous zone, it helps to build a little bit of tension.

Tension is essential if you're going to develop a sexual attraction. But just because a guy wants to build sexual tension, doesn't mean he is only after sex. As you know from my public date planning and waiting a month or more to have sex, that's not my only goal. But at the same time, if you don't build sexual tension/attraction, then romance won't happen.

Edited March 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 25, 2015

Which is why my last two meets went down the toilet

Sorry dude. I was a bit harsh on you before. Now that I know that you're having trouble, I'll try to come at you more from a place of advice and not judgement. My bad once again.

Edited March 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 25, 2015

Haha.. I think you have the wrong idea of how I handle myself.

Yep, I guess so!

I wasn't speaking directly about your personal methods (I could honestly care less about how you are with your dates; you seem to have a method that works for you), I was merely sharing my opinion based on my own experience.

March 25, 2015

Well you date enough to have a "dating life" which is good. So since you do have options, a key to success is indifference. My mindset is this. I am good if a woman likes me, and just as good if she doesn't. There are always other options, and I have plenty in my life that I am passionate about.

If you have the mindset of being the selector and not giving any woman value until she deserves it, that is what builds attraction. You don't come off as needy and women will perceive you as more of a catch because you're not obsessed with a woman you barely know. Treat every woman you meet the same.

Sorry dude. I was a bit harsh on you before. Now that I know that you're having trouble, I'll try to come at you more from a place of advice and not judgement. My bad once again.

Well it's good knowing WHY THE DATES WENT SOUTH so that gives me the motivation to get ready for the next one and be more confident

March 25, 2015

Yep, I guess so!

I wasn't speaking directly about your personal methods (I could honestly care less about how you are with your dates; you seem to have a method that works for you), I was merely sharing my opinion based on my own experience.

Haha.. Gotcha. As I suspect, many guys online probably don't know what they're doing or come on way too strong. So when a woman reads examples, she automatically pictures extremes like she's gone through.

I just cracks me up that certain people think that giving a brief friendly hug is the equivalent of draping yourself all over a woman or trying to screw her standing up..LOL The way that I see it, is that if the email and phone interaction has gone really well, and there are no catfishes involved, there is already enough of a comfort level to hug. As Gaeta said, it's not a meeting to purchase insurance..

March 25, 2015

I agree 100% with that thought process.....but I would have a better chance at hitting the lottery then to find a woman with the same point of view in the online dating world. Five years off and on dating sites for me and not one woman has ever wanted to spend "less time chatting online or texting" before meeting in person.

I recently started using the dating app tinder, and the two guys I actually wanted to meet, I eventually had to suggest we meet. One of them wasn't notably conversational by text, but still managed to draw the whole thing out. It gets old after a while.

A lot of guys, especially the older ones, are really hard to text with. How the heck can I pick which guys I want to hang out with if the conversation is awkward and spread out? Let's actually talk (by text or on the phone) for an hour some time and see if we have anything in common! The same number of texts spread over 10 days is just grating!

March 25, 2015

I recently started using the dating app tinder, and the two guys I actually wanted to meet, I eventually had to suggest we meet. One of them wasn't notably conversational by text, but still managed to draw the whole thing out. It gets old after a while.

A lot of guys, especially the older ones, are really hard to text with. How the heck can I pick which guys I want to hang out with if the conversation is awkward and spread out? Let's actually talk (by text or on the phone) for an hour some time and see if we have anything in common! The same number of texts spread over 10 days is just grating!

Awesome post.

It's funny because EVERY woman I've met in person from online, gave me their number within 2-3 emails and agreed to meet within a week after the phone call. Usually 2-4 days out max. So if a woman is delaying the meet, a guy is either not being confident/aggressive enough, or he's so boring to talk to that she's losing interest.

March 25, 2015

1) The best advice I can give you is, the emails aren't designed to "get to know a woman" first. They're simply an introduction to facilitate a real life meet. So instead of exchanging email after email, be aggressive and go for it after 2-3 emails max.

2) When you get a number, send one text message first. This gives her your number (she won't answer a call from a number she won't recognize). When she responds, simply say "Can't chat but what's a good day/time to talk on the phone?" Let her respond, and then say "Great, talk to u then."

3) Then when you call her, talk for 10-15 minutes tops and if you enjoyed it, make plans right then and there for a few days out.

Women like men that are direct and get to the point. If you beat around the bush, it makes her want to hesitate.

Great advice! Always text and set an appointment for a call! People don't answer phone calls if they aren't available, and it's so much easier to make a phone date than play phone tag.

It's so awkward when you first meet! Even with the guy that I decided to see again! I actually wanted a hug but didn't know how to initiate it without being incredibly awkward.

I don't actually remember what we first talked about. I think we talked about the restaurant, the menu, whether we're ordering an appetizer or just getting drinks.

For both dates last week, I had something out of the ordinary that had happened that day. One of them, I had to detour around a local bar that was on fire! It was one of my favorite places to go, and friends had posted photos on Facebook, so that was a great icebreaker!

In the other one, I had just attended a training close to where he lives, for something kind of out of the ordinary, so he asked what the training was and asked for details about the why I was doing it, what it was, etc.

In both cases, conversation kicked off pretty naturally from there. (The first one already led to a couple repeat dates. The second one I haven't given another thought to since, but it wasn't a bad evening).

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What are some ways to "break the ice" on a first meet and greet from a online dating?

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