Social stigma towards unmarried women at their thirties

[Eggplant]

 

1. Education / career. Don't make me laugh. Seriously, I work in a senior position and I can handle wife and lovers. Maybe you need to improve your time management.

 

 

The women partners will on average make more allowances for their workaholic men than vice versa.

[lino]

Talk to 30s virgin/very low partner count men, then you'll know what stigma is.

 

As a man in his 30s, I'd happily have a relationship with a woman in her 30s if I were single. However if she struck me as the 'sex and the city'/serial dater type, I'd not consider her for anything serious.

 

I also don't buy the career excuse. Who hasn't got a career and why does a career stop you getting involved with someone?

Most who use that reason is just a more PC way of them saying 'yuck, he's a plumber.. No way!'

 

Also most of those types who consider themselves super educated are normally some of the biggest airheads around from my experience.

Intelligent people are intelligent and don't often need to scream from the roof tops how smart they are.

[Eggplant]

All marital statuses are (should be) entirely valid and acceptable. Most people are so self-absorbed that I doubt they really spend that much time dissecting why other people are not married. And if they are really worried about it, that probably means you're interesting enough to catch somebody's eye.

[elaine567]

in case you haven't noticed, guys will find something wrong with every single group of women out there.

 

^^^this^^^

[road]

I was a childless single woman in my 30s & I had plenty of friends just like me. Perhaps it's because we were predominantly in your 1st category -- well educated & focused on our careers -- but it was rare that I was made to feel bad about my choices.

 

 

 

 

Because you surround yourself with like minded people.

[autumnnight]

I am very good friends (since college) with two women who are my age and never married.

 

1. She is independent, has a very successful but very taxing career where she travels a lot. She has never had a desire for kids and in fact has had her tubes tied. She has dated seriously a couple of times, but she never married because she didn't think her job was conducive to marriage and she didn't think it was fair to deny the men kids. She still goes out on dates, but not that often. hen she is home she is very active in her church. She seems overall very content, and I love talking to her because she has done so many cool things and been so many places/

 

2. She is not content. She dated a man very seriously in her early 20's, and he ended up breaking up with her to marry a very homely lifelong lesbian friend so they could both have a cover for their respective lifestyles. Her problems is that she becomes friends with men and then ends up doing everything for them, from coking to cleaning their houses to helping them with their churches (she has a thing for ministers). She falls in love, but they don't feel the same. Eventually she shares her feelings, it gets awkward, and she cries and moves on.

 

So I am thinking that just like everything else, the reasons a woman is single in her 30's can be varied as the women themselves.

 

That is why intelligent people get to know individuals instead of making sweeping judgments about entire genders.

[elaine567]

.

 

So I am thinking that just like everything else, the reasons a woman is single in her 30's can be varied as the women themselves.

 

That is why intelligent people get to know individuals instead of making sweeping judgments about entire genders.

 

Exactly.

All this negative talk about bed hopping nymphomaniacs, cold hearted careerists, women with more baggage than a department store, women who have children by multiple men, women who are baby crazy, women who are divorced, women who are too picky, too poor, too fat, too thin, too old, too... etc. etc. is just nonsense talk and just an excuse to denigrate "women" in general.

 

Life is not a fairy story, women end up in situations they didn't plan.

They give their hearts to scoundrels, they love their job, they love kids, they mainly just want to be treated equally and fairly by everyone and that includes men.

They have every right to want a home, a husband and kids.

By the way some talk on here, that seems to be a negative and a no go area, instead of being the natural way of things.

 

I suggest those here that diss fertile young women like Ruby, take a long hard look at themselves.

Can you spot your favorite form of self-deception?

[No_Go]

Oh, virgin/low-count partner men in their thirties I am sure are stigmatized for similar reasons (considered unattractive, awkward, etc). However, I think all that I said for unpartnered 30's women I think applies here too.

 

I'm currently dating a man late 30s who is in the low partner count category, and I'm so happy with him, doesn't bother me at all (I actually prefer this many times over someone with countless partners over the years...)

 

Talk to 30s virgin/very low partner count men, then you'll know what stigma is.

 

As a man in his 30s, I'd happily have a relationship with a woman in her 30s if I were single. However if she struck me as the 'sex and the city'/serial dater type, I'd not consider her for anything serious.

 

I also don't buy the career excuse. Who hasn't got a career and why does a career stop you getting involved with someone?

Most who use that reason is just a more PC way of them saying 'yuck, he's a plumber.. No way!'

 

Also most of those types who consider themselves super educated are normally some of the biggest airheads around from my experience.

Intelligent people are intelligent and don't often need to scream from the roof tops how smart they are.

[fishstar]

The recent posts made me think about it... unmarried/childless women 30+ are considered:

1. selfish (didn't want to share their lives with anybody)

2. unattractive (nobody wanted them)

3. promiscuous (were changing man after man..)

4. a combination of the above

 

My take as one of the above group it is usually:

1. education/career (sometimes time constraints impede dating)

2. shyness (not being out and about enough)

3. personal decision (e.g. bad family example made them keep it to themselves)

4. a combination of the above

 

Yes, thanks for putting this out there. From what I have experienced, I would add to the first list:

6. Unlucky (and life has flown by)

7. Wasted time with wrong person (as oppose to consciously promiscuous)

8. Passed sell-by date (a bit different to unattractive because it refers to age)

 

And to the first list:

5. Wasted time with wrong person

 

NB: I don't believe everything on the first list, but the questioner put it as what the group are considered as by others. What is true is different. There is definitely a social stigma. In some societies if childless and unmarried at 30+ (or even lower) you get called spinster, your existence causes offense, and you enjoy a lower respect and lowered social status than a married woman. I don't agree with it, I'm just saying.

 

Also re the picky argument. I don't like that word, I'd rather say selective. Sometimes people presume the person must be picky because hey haven't settled but they couldn't be more wrong. In my case I wasn't even selective, I just was with a couple of the wrong ones who I didn't even realise were bad for me until too much time had gone by!! Ended up with them from friendship, did not choose them, they pursued me and I didn't think properly, hence I added 6, 7, and 8. Now my more experienced settled friends tell me to be more selective and have a radar, criteria etc! So being picky is alright.

 

Also this could be for men as well as women, no?

Edited March 26, 2015 by fishstar

[RedRobin]

I have a stigma against unmarried MEN in their 30's and beyond much more than women...

 

 

Mostly because the high number of men either currently in prison or with criminal records compared to women... the high number of men with substance abuse issues compared to women... and the high number of men on the psycho/social pathology scale compared to women...

 

 

Not to mention the fact that men die younger... and they don't have the same desire to look good or take care of themselves physically as more women do...

 

 

The truth is, that there much fewer numbers of decent, character ordered men as there are women. You can't blame women who would rather be single into her 30's and beyond rather than settle for any 'ol d*ck.

[d0nnivain]

Because you surround yourself with like minded people.

 

Why would I want to surround myself with people who are going to make me feel bad? That seems self destructive.

 

There are a group of women in my neighborhood. I was single & in my early 30s when I bought my house. These stay at home moms instantly disliked me. It didn't help that I had a high profile job at that point & got my picture in the paper at least once per week.

 

One made a horrible comment once to me about not ever getting a BF because I was too focused on my career. It was ridiculous because at the time I had been with the same guy for about 11 years he was better looking, better educated, more intelligent, kinder, funnier & richer than the snotty woman's husband. I just usually ignore them. They all pant after my gorgeous husband like they are in heat. It cracks me up.

 

Ironically, almost all of them have hired me to perform professional services for them & they all say please don't tell my friends. Like I care. If their check's clear, I'm fine. I have no need to interact with them or go talk to their friends but I will always take their money & laugh all the way to the bank.

[PrettyEmily77]

Late 30s with a good, stable job, no kids, single for almost 2 years after a 6 year relationship with the wrong guy.

 

 

Started dating about 9 months ago, never experienced any social stigma at all from either men or women and never struggled to find dates under any age bracket; I'm not overly fussed about having kids but am willing to consider it with the right guy.

 

 

I know the kind of guy I'm looking for and won't mind staying single until I've found him.

 

 

Quite a few never married, child-free women in their late 30's are doing fine, no need to worry about us. If anything, it's women married to cheating guys lusting after fit 20 year olds I feel sorry for.

[Nikki Sahagin]

IMO society judges everybody. Who really gives a f what society thinks? Have you seen how f-ed up society is?

 

Society tells us that war is okay.

Society ****s up our environment and puts poison in our good.

Society tells us that Kim K and Kanye West are more worthy of attention than brain surgeons, environmentalists and nurses.

 

'Society' never has had a clue.

Do you really care what 'society' thinks of you?

 

Being unmarried or childless in your thirties means nothing; there are many reasons why a woman may be so in her thirties; career, doesn't want either, a previous marriage broke down, fertility issues, travel, education, not met the right man.

 

I'd say, never pay attention to what society is saying; just focus on what you feel. Do you feel there is something wrong with being 30, single and childless, and if so, why?

[toolforgrowth]

As an unmarried 35 year old guy who is never planning on marrying again, I say ignore the stigma and just do what you want. It's your life. Women don't have to get married if they don't want to. And it's certainly respectable to wait until you're sure you've met the right person for you.

 

I get the stigma too sometimes. "Are you ever going to settle down again?" "Are we going to get invited to the next one?" "Oh, you'll change your mind someday."

 

I'll settle down with the right woman, sure; doesn't mean I have to tie the knot. And no and no.

 

What matters is that you're happy. Other people can go climb a tree.

[SolG]

I wish I had been a never married, single woman in my thirties! I married pretty much straight out of college with few real relationships under my belt because I didn't have the life experience to say no. I just went with the oh I guess this seems like the right thing to do next flow. It seemed like everyone else was doing it or expected it :-/

 

I wish I had lived and experienced more, had more relationships and fun, had the time and space to grow my career without the impediments of a family so young. I might have realised that marriage is not for me a hell of a lot earlier without so much pain for xH and I. (I am so never going the marriage route again!)

 

Anyway... I think it is a really good thing that more and more women are waiting until into their 30s to settle down. Frankly, most people don't have the self awareness to do so earlier without problems. It's no coincidence that marrying young is one of the main predictors of divorce.

 

I say hats off to all the single women in their 30s. Enjoy!