truncated Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 The question in this thread may be obvious, but it arose form a point made in another. If you are a bs, were you hurt by the affair or did it not matter that much? Has it had any long term effect on your life?
purplesorrow Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 The question in this thread may be obvious, but it arose form a point made in another. If you are a bs, were you hurt by the affair or did it not matter that much? Has it had any long term effect on your life? Yes. Divorcing. 1
snappytomcat Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 h@ll yeah it hurt its been a long road to recover,almost 2 years out,it doesn't take over all the space in my mind anymore like it used to,but haven't completely gotten over it yet either,but I refuse to live my life angry,and full of hate towards my xws,and the xow 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 You're absolutely right...the answer is obvious. 1
Jethro Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 What kind of question is this? Was I hurt when my ex wife cheat on me and ruined our entire life?? WHAT DO YOU THINK 1
toolforgrowth Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I know the thread you're talking about. And I get and appreciate why you're trying to do, especially since I'm a BS. But it's futile...some WS's will never get it. They're aware that it causes us pain; what we BS's can't seem to recognize is that they don't care. Trying to argue with them is pointless and a complete waste of time. The only thing they care about is their image, which is why they justify and rationalize their behavior. The only even marginally effective thing we can is say, "Your justifications are baseless and your image is forever tarnished to me because of your actions." And then stand by that conviction. In essence, we have to be equally uncaring as to how our opinion of them makes them feel. 1
autumnnight Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 People who do not believe being lied to and betrayed by someone you love and who is supposed to love you are in denial. They have to be in denial because if they accept that this behavior hurts, then they must accept that THEY have hurt someone (or helped hurt someone). Their pride will not let that happen. This is also why the are angry, bitter, and must trash the victims of their selfishness. And why they often deny the obvious - that no matter what country you live in, most moral people do NOT really approve of affairs. The fact that someone who does not care about a person's pain has friends who also do not care does not mean pain is not there. It just means they have chosen friends who are just as callous as they are. 2
Arieswoman Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 truncated, Q. If you are a bs, were you hurt by the affair or did it not matter that much? A. Yes, I felt hurt, humiliated, belittled and insulted by my H's affair. Q. Has it had any long term effect on your life? A. Yes. It gave me the evidence and impetus to divorce him and break free from a marriage with a selfish, lying, cheating, entitled POS, who did not respect me, our marriage or our home. I was able begin again as a single woman, and, some years later met and married a wonderful man who is everything my 1st husband wasn't.
Author truncated Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 What kind of question is this? Was I hurt when my ex wife cheat on me and ruined our entire life?? WHAT DO YOU THINK I agree that they are incredibly painful. I was asking because of an assumption made in a different thread that affairs don't always hurt, and that it is wrong to assume that they do. sure, maybe a person here or there doesn't find them to be devastating, but that hardly seems the norm. 1
minimariah Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 If you are a bs, were you hurt by the affair or did it not matter that much? i was deeply hurt. Has it had any long term effect on your life? not really. i did divorce but i got over it with time, learned from the experience & moved on with my life in the direction i wanted to.
CrystalCastles Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I agree that they are incredibly painful. I was asking because of an assumption made in a different thread that affairs don't always hurt, and that it is wrong to assume that they do. sure, maybe a person here or there doesn't find them to be devastating, but that hardly seems the norm. I too know what thread you're talking about. I believe you mean this quote: Nope, wrong. I know some BS who have been horribly hurt by infidelity. And I know others who've shrugged and carried on as if it's no big deal. I think this was a rather ignorant post. BS who "shrug and carry on as if its no big deal" do this because they are in denial. The pain that they have to face of their WS cheating on them is so extreme that the BS would rather be in denial than face that pain. I know this because my bff's father was a serial cheater. Every time his cheating surfaced, the wife would "carry on as if nothing happened". The BW was first off, doing her best to hide her pain in front of her kids- my bff and her brother. Secondly, while she looked like she was carrying on, she eventually had enough and divorced him. She went through so many breakdowns before the divorce, it was like she finally faced her spouse's cheating. My bff said that she cried so much before she divorced her spouse, more so than my bff had ever seen her cry. So just because someone doesn't openly show their emotions it absolutely does not mean that an affair does not hurt them. To assume otherwise is incredibly ignorant and frankly sounds like a cruel dismissal of the BS's feelings. 4
minimariah Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I think this was a rather ignorant post. BS who "shrug and carry on as if its no big deal" do this because they are in denial. how is it ignorant? it's the truth. those who shrug & carry on probably checked out of the marriage too - so they simply don't care. OR they're having their own As, too. so again, they simply don't care. i mean, it IS possible to be a BS and not really give a damn - because you don't love your partner & are staying in the M for your own benefit. i think MOST betrayed spouses are deeply hurt by the A & cheating (those who actually DO care about the marriage & their partner). the thing is - many betrayed spouses get over it, forget, forgive and move on & find happiness & then you have those spouses who dwell on it 20 years later and look at it as something that ruined their entire life. we deal with things differently.
Woggle Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 It hurts very much. I know people who find it very hard to trust the opposite sex in relationships after being cheated on.
autumnnight Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Honestly, the original argument about hurting was just another conscienceless distraction. Crappy immoral choices are crappy immoral choices whether someone else hurts or shrugs. As granny says, poop stinks even if there's no one around to smell it. 2
dichotomy Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) If you are a bs, were you hurt by the affair or did it not matter that much? It hurt of course, I was both hurt and furious. Has it had any long term effect on your life? Yes, if I am cheated on again, it wont matter that much. responses above Edited March 26, 2015 by dichotomy
BetrayedH Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I was devastated. The word hardly does it justice. It took me years to recover. I am permanently changed, and not for the better.
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