mtnbiker3000 Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Remember, your thoughts are not you. Eventually you will decided you no longer want to 'wear' these thoughts. Because that's what they are. They become almost like clothing that we wear. It's how we view ourselves and how others view us as well. When these thoughts pop into my head, now I can just address them as garbage or noise, and let them go. I don't give them any validity... 1
Author guest569 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 It's been over 1.5 years since the breakup and the memories are starting to fade to the point where I can hardly believe the relationship even happened? I can still recall those beautiful, romantic moments, and have this vague idea that we had a relationship but it all seems a bit foggy or surreal or something. I used to recall every single detail and every word spoken between us. I'm still very sad when I think of him and love him all the time. Maybe thats my way of getting over him, my mind is pretending it never happened. I dont think i ever got an anger phase, and I cant imagine indifference. I remember heare it takes 1.5-2 yrs to get over someone, maybe this is the start. 2
Itspointless Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's been over 1.5 years since the breakup and the memories are starting to fade to the point where I can hardly believe the relationship even happened? I can still recall those beautiful, romantic moments, and have this vague idea that we had a relationship but it all seems a bit foggy or surreal or something. I used to recall every single detail and every word spoken between us. I'm still very sad when I think of him and love him all the time. Maybe thats my way of getting over him, my mind is pretending it never happened. I dont think i ever got an anger phase, and I cant imagine indifference. I remember heare it takes 1.5-2 yrs to get over someone, maybe this is the start. I do not think your mind is pretending. It are the vivid memories that can keep us stuck. My memory for example is way to good when it comes to these kind of memories. But fortunately it is getting the same as with you (we are almost about the same length of time here) . The first few months I could literally feel some touches by her, horrible. I did not have an anger phase either. Welcome to the fog of time 2
Author guest569 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I guess its a good thing. I dont want to let go and lose all the memories but you're right in that they keep us stuck. I have been far too busy lately and I think that has probably helped, but think of him now and then and picture him coming back and saying he got it wrong and wants to give it another shot. I'm sure there have been days go by where i haven't really given him a thought, or at least, i dont analyse things as often now and I may occasionally think of him for a moment and hurt but I am not dwelling as much.
Itspointless Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I guess its a good thing. I dont want to let go and lose all the memories but you're right in that they keep us stuck. I have been far too busy lately and I think that has probably helped, but think of him now and then and picture him coming back and saying he got it wrong and wants to give it another shot. I'm sure there have been days go by where i haven't really given him a thought, or at least, i dont analyse things as often now and I may occasionally think of him for a moment and hurt but I am not dwelling as much. Yes, it remains hard. It sometimes feels like feeling good again has to make you feel guilty doesn't it? But after-all it is a good thing! We also both know that we did not want this. Some things always remain sad, but that does not mean fortunately that we have to be punished for the rest of our life's. 2
Ariess10 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 1.5 -2 years to get over someone?? Not only no , but hell no . I won't let myself go that long to be upset over someone that could give two $hits about me.. Nope not gonna happen I'm at 4 months out of a 3 year and I think it's been long enough feeling blue 2
jen1447 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's been over 1.5 years since the breakup and the memories are starting to fade to the point where I can hardly believe the relationship even happened? I can still recall those beautiful, romantic moments, and have this vague idea that we had a relationship but it all seems a bit foggy or surreal or something. I used to recall every single detail and every word spoken between us. I'm still very sad when I think of him and love him all the time. Maybe thats my way of getting over him, my mind is pretending it never happened. I dont think i ever got an anger phase, and I cant imagine indifference. I remember heare it takes 1.5-2 yrs to get over someone, maybe this is the start. It's not pretending, it's forgetting. Think of your mind like a hard drive with a large but limited storage capacity. Eventually many memories of him get overwritten by other stuff. In other words, life. 2
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It's not pretending, it's forgetting. Think of your mind like a hard drive with a large but limited storage capacity. Eventually many memories of him get overwritten by other stuff. In other words, life.Speak for yourself! OP, it sounds to me like you accepted the reality of the breakup very quickly, like maybe you became resigned to the fact that it ended, well before your emotions got there. I think that explains all grief, no anger, and residual feelings that outlast your capacity to recall details. If I had to guess, I think your disappointment is amplified by feelings of betrayal. That whatever went down, it wasn't what you expected of him, yet it wasn't egregious enough to for you to hate him. It was just that he did something that you could not imagine, and that is the part you can't accept. In other words, aside from the disappointment of love not lasting, you're disappointed in him, you don't want to believe that about him, and that's the thing that you're still feeling. Something like that could take quite a while to shake off, but the good news is that it shouldn't prevent you from being attracted to others. That's my armchair diagnosis from the vast ether. 1
Author guest569 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 It's not pretending, it's forgetting. Think of your mind like a hard drive with a large but limited storage capacity. Eventually many memories of him get overwritten by other stuff. In other words, life. This is the case for some of the details and i guess i have too much on my mind lately to fit him into it, but I can feel myself blocking him out of my thoughts and maybe replacing all the memories with the concise version. The memories are of course still buried in there, but i dont want to acknowledge them most of the time, whereas i used to dwell obsessively. I can feel a shift in my attitude in regards to him. Finally!! 1.5 -2 years to get over someone?? Not only no , but hell no . I won't let myself go that long to be upset over someone that could give two $hits about me.. Nope not gonna happen I'm at 4 months out of a 3 year and I think it's been long enough feeling blue Unfortunately i dont have that mindset and haven't been able to control it. I didnt want the breakup, i still dont want the breakup and cant let go. Even as i block out the thoughts and memories i am still clinging on and trying to stay sad because the alternative is that he is gone completely , but I know that is what needs to happen. I know its ridiculous. OP, it sounds to me like you accepted the reality of the breakup very quickly, like maybe you became resigned to the fact that it ended, well before your emotions got there. I think that explains all grief, no anger, and residual feelings that outlast your capacity to recall details. I think i accepted fairly early on that he was gone and not coming back, but am still in shock and confused about it all. I still wish for things to go back but I know they wont. I suppose i am disappointed because of what he said during the breakup which made me see him in a different light, a negative one. I am still not sure whether he was intentionally hurtful or not but I am starting to get over what he said. His attitude of being too good for me and pointing out all my flaws has probably helped push me towards moving up in the world.
Author guest569 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 And some days i feel fine and neutral and the next i can plummet back to day 1. Today i have been back to dwelling and the memories are coming back to me. I'm too weak to block them out again. I miss him so much.
Morphine Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Once again, I may be hated for saying this! When was the last time you spoke to him? Has he moved on to another, stable relationship? Did you think of perhaps contacting him? We know what is the risk of this...but you said it yourself - you are back to day 1. Sometimes it is good to bend rules - who knows maybe he misses you too? But is too proud to admit.
Haydn Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 You miss want it was Smiley. Now it would not be the same. Dwelling is easy i know. I dwelled quite a bit..... Don`t ignore the feelings. Kind of push through it. Your mind won`t let you bury it but it will fade. (Bit like my favourite Arctic Monkeys tour t-shirt) Clouds will lift for good at some point. No time limit, just don`t let it hold you back from anything new or unknown. 3
Author guest569 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Once again, I may be hated for saying this! When was the last time you spoke to him? Has he moved on to another, stable relationship? Did you think of perhaps contacting him? We know what is the risk of this...but you said it yourself - you are back to day 1. Sometimes it is good to bend rules - who knows maybe he misses you too? But is too proud to admit. I've seen him on a dating site so i doubt he is in a relationship yet. I definitely consider reaching out to him and have a few months ago but I know he doesn't miss me the way i miss him. He was very final in his decision after being wishy washy initially.
Morphine Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Peope on this forum will give you different advices. I am still inexperince in dating/break ups as I have only been with one girl for 7 years. My friend recently broke up with fiancee and he said he has a rule to not to step into the same river twice. I slowly thi k he might be right. I have stepped into the same river 3 times....will there be 4th. Although at the moment I hope so, but I will probably change my mind. HOWEVER. People constantly change. People get back together after 4-5 years. Heck, even after 20 years! And the stuff they said during the break up no loger matters. But there are more couples that break up and thats it. Finio. Nothing left. It is very difficult to predict. Human emptions are so dynamic. Are you certain of his feeling? You must think what is the best for you. Think how would you feel if after you reach out to him and he rejects you straight away - how would this make you feel? Would it make you feel worse than you are feeling now? My only worry is that you never had a moment after your break up where you felt like you moved on. Reconciliation is a NEW relationship. You start fresh. A new person. The only reason you want to get back with him is because you LOVE him. Not because you miss him because you are lonely. Or you miss the memorries etc. I do not kniw whag future holds for me. All i know is this - if me and my ex ever decide to try we will not try from being straight in relationship. But from being friends and see how this makes us feel. How meeting for a coffee or going to the cinema makes us feel. The feeling must be mutual - and as you can see there is a risk of you falling deeply in love while he won't - and you have another heartbreak. But this can happen to your new love anyway. Bottom line: it is complicated. But if you won't try, you wont know.
Author guest569 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 In the days, weeks and months following the breakup i tried all sorts of ways to convince him to allow us to sort things out so we could carry on happily ever after. I even reached out about 8 months after the breakup but he was still the same, he wont budge. More recently i told him how i miss him and he had nothing. Whilst I wish for us to get back together, I have very little hope left and i know that it isn't going to happen. Even if he came back, i most likely wouldn't take him up on that unless he did something really amazing and drastic to show that I mean something to him. In the relationship i slowly fell in love with him and he never felt the same, so I would not wait years and decades anyway.
Morphine Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 There you go. You have the answer whether to reach out or not. Now go out and find yourself a proper rebound! Someone who will make you laugh! Improve yourself! It took my sister 3 years to properly get iver 13 years of relationship. It may take time. You may also never get over him...and trully move on. But you must try:-) all the best.
Itspointless Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 HOWEVER. People constantly change. People get back together after 4-5 years. Heck, even after 20 years! And the stuff they said during the break up no loger matters. I know a man in his sixties who a few years ran into his sweetheart from when he was 20 or so. They fell into love again. Love conquers everything, right? After a while it turned out she had not changed a bit, as he ran into the same problems with her. There probably is something in their dynamic that in the end just does not work. Stories like these by others are worth remembering. Smiley, one day we feel great and the other, well ... 2
Author guest569 Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 Yeah even if he "changed", i don't think i would buy it. I dont think he would be stud enough either, as much as I am ticked off he did think it over thoroughly and was certain and made it clear to me his decision was final (once he finally made the damn decision, and being in limbo just prolonged my phase of kidding myself i think)
Author guest569 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 I actually saw this prick again last month whilst going through a family crisis which he was well aware of, i don't think he saw me, nor did he contact me or my family at all. It still upset me seeing him in spite of what I was going through, my heart sank and i still feel so devastated that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Hopefully I wont see him again.
sacg Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 I'm not sure about any mental issues but he definitely was projecting his issues onto me, he was the one who was unhappy not me. But i believed everything he said. And saying things like "i know you've been depressed, but.." After my relative tragically died and he knew I was struggling in my career etc. I felt betrayed because i trusted him to talk about these issues when I felt down and he threw it back in my face, basically saying "I'm dumping you because of these things". So then i feel like its my fault because I should have been this or that. I am a fairly relaxed and positive person so i don't think it was a fair judgement of me. Im going through something similar Smiley. It can drive you nuts trying to work it out. Id def read up on BPD, has helped me a lot. Although im still in the early stages of break up, its kind of giving me the power to understand and move on a little easier i think. Also, Id count myself as laid back too. And it is not a fair judgement on you! Thats what BPD is all about. Projections of their unhappiness, their issues and inner anger, not you. It just seems us laid back types are exactly what they subconsiously snare. A couple of weeks after that he apologised but only when I pointed out that it was really hurtful, and said he was just angry and confused, but i see it as his true feelings coming out. He really thinks that of me and that hurts, it sux to hear someone you love and see a future with come out with that. Again, its not all about you if he has BPD tendencies. When they apologise, and be thankful for that as mine only ever did twice in 11 months, Its probably him, again if he has tendencies, pushing and pulling. But they do and can say some cold heartless stuff, and yes i myself have had things ive said twisted and thrown back at me during an episode. It was like he had no empathy, no sympathy and was very detached. I think he was quite unhappy but always pretended to be cheerful and not talk about bad stuff. Hence delaying the breakup i suppose. But I can see through it now. And I guess i dont want that sort of person. i am forgetting a lot of the bad stuff lately. I feel like i am going through the exact same breakup "process" all over again from the beginning!!! They lack all empathy. Never have the ability to feel or see someone else hurt, need, emotion. And id say my ex was deep down unhappy, although that was projected onto me and making me feel like i was the cause. I dont think now i was! Stay focused, read up on BPD, it may or may not shed some light. Have a look at my situ if you like http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/539610-well-she-did-pulled-trigger-here-i-go-again theres some stuff there about BPD. Good luck.
Author guest569 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 I might have a bit of a read, I'm not too sure about diagnosing him but he also said i am the least emotional person he knows, so perhaps he didnt realise what a sensitive person i am and he even seemed shocked at the fact i burst into tears upon hearing what he was saying. Its true that i dont tend to display my emotions. But still, what kind of twit wouldn't consider those words offensive and hurtful. I think he wanted to justify his decision and paint me in a bad light to make himself feel better. Well he sure had to clutch at straws. I also agree with you on the projecting of unhappiness. I DONT THINK i was particularly unhappy, in fact i was probably down at times due to hormonal reasons and my doubts about where I stood. Sure i was having trouble progressing in my career and felt like i was in a rut, that sucked. But it was nothing to do with him. Sure we can support each other, but at the end of the day, what i do with my career is personal and separate from our relationship (unless of course it involved relocating). Now my career is kicking butt. Will that make him love me? Of course not. BECAUSE it wasn't even about that.
Author guest569 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) I'm having a blast on my holiday. Last night while trying to sleep i thought "i wish he was here lying beside me" and then I thought properly and realised, no i don't. I don't want him back. He would just be there ruining my time and bringing me down. I can do whatever I want, whenever, without being judged or being made to feel like i am not good enough. I don't want that feeling of uncertainty, not sure where i stand or whether he loves me (he doesnt). I know exactly where i stand now and i don't need him at all. The rejection hurts, i didn't want it to be like this, I wanted him to love me and just settle with me, but I guess i am slowly starting to accept it. I still miss him of course, and I'm not sure if i a progressing or if i will revert back to wishing to get him back. Edited August 18, 2015 by smiley1 3
dyna85 Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Wow, smiley, that is amazing progress! Hold on to it. I think your body and soul are definitely adapting and it's good that you're recognizing the benefit of being without someone who made you feel insecure about the relationship. 1
casey.lives Posted August 18, 2015 Posted August 18, 2015 Smiley1, if you love him.. don't give up just yet. He might come back. Honestly, one year to keep a cracked window is o...k... If you love him, you love him. Just keep going about your way.. and stay open but be sure put yourself first. I spoke those very words once upon a time and you are on a journey be known to many. It gets better
Author guest569 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Posted August 19, 2015 no, I will not hold out hope, I gave up long ago and now I am finally starting to be okay with it. Why would I stay open? He closed the door.. Seeing him hurt i must say, this is just a random feeling and i am not sure if it will pass and I will go back to dwelling. Maybe being away has given me some confidence.
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