Am I Asking Too Much?

[JetDreams]

There's a man in my life that holds a special place in my heart. He and I been through a lot, and he has stuck by even during our worst times.

 

We dated for nearly seven years before I called it quits. There was some things about him I was completely happy with, so I wanted to see what else was out there. We stayed in touch for over 3 years, and then this month, we decided to try again.... and then I remember why I broke up with him.

 

He doesn't have a job and has no car. He lives off his disability checks which should last him the entire month, but he manages to spend it all within the 2nd or 3rd week. He's also incredibly lazy. He spends his days watching TV all day and not much else. Despite all this, I know he loves me wholeheartedly. I've never felt this much love from one person. And I am head over heels attracted to this man. I've never felt this intensely about anyone.

 

But the fact that he has nothing going on in his life bugs me... A LOT. I work demanding hours. It's not unusual for me to do a 11-12 hour shift. It's not unusual for me to bring work home. So I have a lot of resentment built up, when I go home and see him laying on the couch, and the place is a complete mess. The fact that he gets to excuse himself out of so many chores because he doesn't have a car upsets me too. I will always be the one getting groceries and dropping him or picking him up from places. Maybe I wouldn't mind this if he helped around the house more, but he doesn't help clean. I cook all the meals.

 

I've brought this up to him many times during our relationship and recently. Every time I bring this up, he tells me I'm like every other girl. All I care about is money and cars. I'm really conflicted about this. He treats me like a queen and he loves me. Should that be all that matters? Am I being way too picky about him not having a job and car? I can't help feeling exhausted cleaning up after him and driving him around. I am dying to know what it feels like to be the person that gets picked up from a date... sounds like a such a privilege to me. Or a guy telling me that he's going to cook me dinner or pick up a bottle of wine at the grocery store. I am frustrated he was no motivation to do more with him life.... but should I just be happy that someone out there loves me and treats me well?

[Leigh 87]

You don't have to date lacklustre, lazy men.

 

If you like, you can date ambitious, exciting men who have a life, friends and hobbies and interests.

 

If you can't find men who are into you and who you also like, who also have hobbies and interest of their own - you may need to improve yourself, join a gym and/or try to improve your obviously low self worth so that you can pair up with more decent quality men....

 

I venture to guess that if you had high self esteem, you wouldn't have settled for this man.

 

Be the change you want - you want a different type of a man - make it happen.

 

This man won't change.

[Wackkkk]

no one is perfect I'm starting to believe, they can't have it all sexy, money, head over heels only for you nah. You will find flaws.

 

But I mean, he needs a job who's going to pay for dinners, how will he pay bills.

[Leigh 87]

Why do you have low standards?

 

You have to have this conversation. Be it on here, or to a friend or family member.

 

Wanting a man with a job is NOT too high of a standard if you, yourself, have a job or are in the process of vigorously looking for a job and already have some sort of qualification and work history that shows you have been an ambitious woman.

 

Wanting a man who doesn't have a disability is NOT a too high standard - if that is something that impacts on your life.

 

Wanting a man with a car is NOT too high of a standard, either!

 

Average women manage to get men with those traits and sets of standards that you so desire. I mean, even Friends With Benefits and men who I have "casually" dated picked me up, dropped me off places and treated me to meals.

 

Just demand better for yourself. You can only achieve this by ditching the men who don't meet your very reasonable needs.

[JetDreams]

You don't have to date lacklustre, lazy men.

 

If you like, you can date ambitious, exciting men who have a life, friends and hobbies and interests.

 

If you can't find men who are into you and who you also like, who also have hobbies and interest of their own - you may need to improve yourself, join a gym and/or try to improve your obviously low self worth so that you can pair up with more decent quality men....

 

I venture to guess that if you had high self esteem, you wouldn't have settled for this man.

 

Be the change you want - you want a different type of a man - make it happen.

 

This man won't change.

 

Your making a lot of amusing assumptions. But this is the internet.

Also I already have a gym membership and practice pole dancing at home. Yeah I have my insecurities like any other girl, but I don't hate myself. And I ddidn't just settle for this guy if that's what your implying.

 

You can't always pick who you fall in love with unfortunately.

[Leigh 87]

Well if you are an okay, pleasant enough looking woman with a full time job, you don't have to even date/get to know men who are jobless, don't take you out and spoil you on the occasion and who don't have a car.

 

I walked away from men I fell in love with because they were lazy stoners (once) and I would never be with a man who wasn't a respectable enough and kind enough person.

 

I lost my attraction to the man in my life who was unmotivated and jobless and carless..... so it wasn't even a choice, I just lost interest.

 

I guess this guy is still someone you have remained in love with.

 

Look, he won't change so you either have to accept him as he is, or leave and fall JUST as much in love with a guy who works and has a car.

 

It is a simply solution; remain as you are and accept your situation or leave.

[JetDreams]

Ok... so apparently I have low standards. Let me get that to sink in my brain.

 

I will admit... I pride myself on being very independent, esp. being financially independent. I always told myself that I would never date anyone because of money or materialistic needs. I feel terribly guilty for wanting someone who is financial stable and with a car... because other than that he loves me so much. I don't know where this guilt comes from.

[Leigh 87]

I ditched my ex largely because he had a disability. I'm working my butt off to get my podiatry degree and I work in the field part time. I also want a partner who works at least part time since I do and who can enjoy overseas travel with me.

 

The disabled guy I dated was fine looking, had a great body and adored me at the time. He truly seemed to live me. I trusted him implicitly.

 

Yet I didn't want to deal with his disability and the fact he'd likely only ever get to work part time. And never afford travel or to raise a family if that's what I wanted one day.

[h0000]

Ok... so apparently I have low standards. Let me get that to sink in my brain.

 

I will admit... I pride myself on being very independent, esp. being financially independent. I always told myself that I would never date anyone because of money or materialistic needs. I feel terribly guilty for wanting someone who is financial stable and with a car... because other than that he loves me so much. I don't know where this guilt comes from.

 

I think you should totally be proud that you aren't materialistic. But I don't really understand how can he treat you like a queen if he doesn't help you out with any housework?

[Arieswoman]

Jetdreams,

Can I ask what disability you b/f has?

 

Years ago I dated a chap with a partial disability. His eyesight was poor so he couldn't drive, but he had a job.

 

Many disabled people work from home.

 

I think the problem here is not his disability, it's his lack of motivation.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, you're not asking too much. Any relationship is a partnership, with each party working to find a balance together. This relationship is completely out of balance, though. You are carrying most of the weight, while he seemingly does very little and becomes defensive when you point out the ways he could reasonably help you. That wouldn't work for me.

 

Why did you get back together? And are you living together already, having just got back together this month? (Your post makes it sound as though you do live together) If so, why? The problems that existed before still exist. For me, love isn't enough when it comes to building a future. Do you want to start a family someday? These issues would become much worse if children were introduced into the picture. Even if you don't want kids, you're still looking at a life where you do most of the heavy lifting. It appears that he has some financial problems too. Who is paying his bills if he spends all his disability cheque?

 

But OP, you need to stop enabling him. Quit being his mommy and cooking and cleaning everything for him. He doesn't treat you that well if he can't be bothered to pitch in when and where he can. He knows what the problems are and apparently doesn't see the need to change.

[Redhead14]

There's a man in my life that holds a special place in my heart. He and I been through a lot, and he has stuck by even during our worst times.

 

We dated for nearly seven years before I called it quits. There was some things about him I was completely happy with, so I wanted to see what else was out there. We stayed in touch for over 3 years, and then this month, we decided to try again.... and then I remember why I broke up with him.

 

He doesn't have a job and has no car. He lives off his disability checks which should last him the entire month, but he manages to spend it all within the 2nd or 3rd week. He's also incredibly lazy. He spends his days watching TV all day and not much else. Despite all this, I know he loves me wholeheartedly. I've never felt this much love from one person. And I am head over heels attracted to this man. I've never felt this intensely about anyone.

 

But the fact that he has nothing going on in his life bugs me... A LOT. I work demanding hours. It's not unusual for me to do a 11-12 hour shift. It's not unusual for me to bring work home. So I have a lot of resentment built up, when I go home and see him laying on the couch, and the place is a complete mess. The fact that he gets to excuse himself out of so many chores because he doesn't have a car upsets me too. I will always be the one getting groceries and dropping him or picking him up from places. Maybe I wouldn't mind this if he helped around the house more, but he doesn't help clean. I cook all the meals.

 

I've brought this up to him many times during our relationship and recently. Every time I bring this up, he tells me I'm like every other girl. All I care about is money and cars. I'm really conflicted about this. He treats me like a queen and he loves me. Should that be all that matters? Am I being way too picky about him not having a job and car? I can't help feeling exhausted cleaning up after him and driving him around. I am dying to know what it feels like to be the person that gets picked up from a date... sounds like a such a privilege to me. Or a guy telling me that he's going to cook me dinner or pick up a bottle of wine at the grocery store. I am frustrated he was no motivation to do more with him life.... but should I just be happy that someone out there loves me and treats me well?

 

What does he do that makes you feel loved? There's nothing from what you've said above that indicates he loves you on any level. You are doing all the work in this relationship. Since that is true, how can he be showing you he loves you?

 

I'd venture to say that you are not in love with him, you are attached to having a relationship, whether it's good or bad. "and then I remember why I broke up with him". History has repeated itself and continues to repeat itself. You cannot do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

[clia]

Honestly, having a job and a car are the bare minimum for an adult male. (If you live somewhere with great public transportation, perhaps he could do without the car.) It's not having high standards or being picky to expect those things and to expect him to carry his own weight. It's also not having high standards to expect him to help out around the house. That's normal. You aren't his mother and shouldn't have to clean up after him and take care of him.

 

I've brought this up to him many times during our relationship and recently. Every time I bring this up, he tells me I'm like every other girl. All I care about is money and cars.

 

Typical. He deflects it back on you to make you feel like you are being shallow for wanting what is essentially the bare minimum in life. This is manipulative behavior on his part.

 

He treats me like a queen and he loves me.

 

How does he treat you like a queen when he doesn't help you out at all around the house and isn't able to pitch in much financially or take care of himself? I'm really curious. Words are just words.

 

I am frustrated he was no motivation to do more with him life.... but should I just be happy that someone out there loves me and treats me well?

 

I think you deserve more, and I disagree (based on what you posted) that he treats you well. I think you should stop and think about why you are willing to settle for a man like this.

[katiegrl]

OP, there is an easy solution you know, and not sure why you have not thought of it.

 

Since you are a "one car family" (as many families are these days)...have him drive you to work .... then HE will have the car during the day to do the chores, etc.

 

He really should be helping around the house too, and don't let him get away with "flipping the script" and making YOU the bad guy and accusing you of being "all about money and cars." That's not fair. Good grief.

 

You work 11-12 hours days for heaven's sake. He sounds like a lazy self-serving bum, and frankly not sure what you find so appealing about him, but it's your life.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe you should share what "is" so special about him instead of posting about how lazy he is....

Edited March 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh sweet Jesus I know what you're going through!

 

And NO you're not asking for too much and NO I don't necessarily agree that your standards are too low.

 

Although the details of an old boyfriend's situation and your boyfriend situation are a bit different, they are similar enough to where I can understand what you're going through.

 

In my case, I left a sexually starved marriage devoid of the physical affection for many years that when I found someone who showered me with all those things I ached for, it was easy to fall blindly.

 

When the daily grind of everyday life hammers at you and your relationship, it's hard to keep blinders on and continue living in a vacuum. That's when you start to see the holes and cracks and find yourself questioning everything.

 

For me, I continuously found myself making one of those Pros & Cons list in my head whenever I felt frustrated with my boyfriend at the time. His position on certain issues, his anti-materialism, his procrastination, his disinterest in thinking more than 24 hours ahead and his lazy tendencies were all things that felt refreshing and seemed to make sense in the beginning. Then it started to change...or rather I started to come out of my love-fog.

 

It's not hard to fall blindly for someone who is able to fill a need you have where you can justify so many things. The truth of the matter is that no one is perfect and there will always be something we find frustrating about our partners however big or small.

 

If he's a good guy and treats you well and gives you things you haven't gotten from another man then it might be worth trying to work things out.

 

At the same time a relationship is a two way street. We ALL have to make sacrifices and do things that either don't come naturally to us or enjoy very much for the sake of our partner and our relationship. If he's not willing to meet you half way or work with you to find compromises that you both can live with than that may be very telling and food for thought.

 

Bottom line is YOU can't change him just as he can't change you.

 

Good luck!

[Satu]

If he has nothing else in his life that means that you have to be everything.

[katiegrl]

If he has nothing else in his life that means that you have to be everything.

 

And apparently, in his world, she needs to DO everything too.

 

Not fair...nor right.

[JetDreams]

I met this man when I was still in high school. So I didn't have set standards back then yet. He was just someone I was attracted to and fun to hang out. He was also in Marine Corps at the time so I didn't think of him as lacking in motivation...

 

True, I will have to accept him the way he is if I stay with him. Going back and forth on that.

 

Well if you are an okay, pleasant enough looking woman with a full time job, you don't have to even date/get to know men who are jobless, don't take you out and spoil you on the occasion and who don't have a car.

 

I walked away from men I fell in love with because they were lazy stoners (once) and I would never be with a man who wasn't a respectable enough and kind enough person.

 

I lost my attraction to the man in my life who was unmotivated and jobless and carless..... so it wasn't even a choice, I just lost interest.

 

I guess this guy is still someone you have remained in love with.

 

Look, he won't change so you either have to accept him as he is, or leave and fall JUST as much in love with a guy who works and has a car.

 

It is a simply solution; remain as you are and accept your situation or leave.

[JetDreams]

Jetdreams,

Can I ask what disability you b/f has?

 

He has PTSD. He was in the Marine Corps in the beginning of our relationship and did two tours of Iraq.

 

Physically, he is fine. But he definitely has PTSD... there is no doubt in my mind. He suffers from nightmares, lack of sleep, extremely unmotivated, and freaks out at any loud noises.

 

He sees a regular therapist at the VA whom I have talked to occassionally, and he tells me to take it slow and not to push him so hard. Everyone seems to be more forgiving of his behavior because he did serve for our country. This can be a little frustrating at times... I am trying to understand.

[JetDreams]

No, you're not asking too much. Any relationship is a partnership, with each party working to find a balance together. This relationship is completely out of balance, though. You are carrying most of the weight, while he seemingly does very little and becomes defensive when you point out the ways he could reasonably help you. That wouldn't work for me.

 

Why did you get back together? And are you living together already, having just got back together this month? (Your post makes it sound as though you do live together) If so, why? The problems that existed before still exist. For me, love isn't enough when it comes to building a future. Do you want to start a family someday? These issues would become much worse if children were introduced into the picture. Even if you don't want kids, you're still looking at a life where you do most of the heavy lifting. It appears that he has some financial problems too. Who is paying his bills if he spends all his disability cheque?

 

But OP, you need to stop enabling him. Quit being his mommy and cooking and cleaning everything for him. He doesn't treat you that well if he can't be bothered to pitch in when and where he can. He knows what the problems are and apparently doesn't see the need to change.

 

We got back together because we both have been single for the past three years, and he confessed how much he loves me and no other girl comes close to me. I feel the same way about him. Even though I went on as many dates as I could while I was single (all of them had jobs and cars BTW, lol), I can't seem to fall in love with them like I did with my ex. I feel like he's the closest thing to a soul mate I've ever found. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to fall in love with someone else... or even being able to kiss them! I haven't been able to bring myself to kiss any of these men I dated because I haven't clicked with them like I did with my ex.

 

And no, we are not living together. But he does spend time at my apartment all day while I'm at work. I do not want kids, but I understand what you're trying to say. I handle all the bills and other expenses when he runs out, but he will spend his last dollar on me. So it's not about him using me.

 

I had a friend tell me that sometimes people are meant to be with each other even if they love each very much... it's definitely making me think about things.

[JetDreams]

What does he do that makes you feel loved? There's nothing from what you've said above that indicates he loves you on any level. You are doing all the work in this relationship. Since that is true, how can he be showing you he loves you?

 

I'd venture to say that you are not in love with him, you are attached to having a relationship, whether it's good or bad. "and then I remember why I broke up with him". History has repeated itself and continues to repeat itself. You cannot do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

 

You can't just trust me that I know he loves me, lol?

 

I come to realize that everyone shows their love in different ways. To him, material things are not important AT ALL. He also doesn't see the importance of keeping things clean. This is why he doesn't clean. When I do clean, he constantly telling me to sit down and relax, but I NEED things to be clean to feel good about my place.

 

He shows his love through over ways. When I was in the hospital unexpectedly, he walked over 10 miles to reach my hospital to see me. This isn't the first time he's done something like this. When I come home from work. He will be waiting for me at the door to grab my things and to give me a foot massage or perhaps have a nice bath waiting for me.

 

He does things that he's capable of doing and what he thinks would make me happy. And it does make me happy that he's thinking of me.

 

I do love him. I spent the last 3 years being miserable without him. Try to date other men and thought about him the whole time. I am a very independent woman and extremely prideful. I have no problem with being alone and completely okay dying without having a life partner. These are just words from someone on the internet, but I asking you to believe me lol.

[JetDreams]

OP, there is an easy solution you know, and not sure why you have not thought of it.

 

Since you are a "one car family" (as many families are these days)...have him drive you to work .... then HE will have the car during the day to do the chores, etc.

 

He really should be helping around the house too, and don't let him get away with "flipping the script" and making YOU the bad guy and accusing you of being "all about money and cars." That's not fair. Good grief.

 

You work 11-12 hours days for heaven's sake. He sounds like a lazy self-serving bum, and frankly not sure what you find so appealing about him, but it's your life.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe you should share what "is" so special about him instead of posting about how lazy he is....

 

I haven't thought of that because he doesn't have a Driver's License. Maybe I should have explained he joined the Marine Corps right when he turned 18 and things just wasn't the same. He has no motivation to get a license right now. He even says his head is not right at the moment to be responsible to drive. He says the streets will be safer. I respect his decision.

 

A lot of people asked what is so special about him, and I replied to one earlier if you are interested to know.

[JetDreams]

Oh sweet Jesus I know what you're going through!

 

And NO you're not asking for too much and NO I don't necessarily agree that your standards are too low.

 

Although the details of an old boyfriend's situation and your boyfriend situation are a bit different, they are similar enough to where I can understand what you're going through.

 

In my case, I left a sexually starved marriage devoid of the physical affection for many years that when I found someone who showered me with all those things I ached for, it was easy to fall blindly.

 

When the daily grind of everyday life hammers at you and your relationship, it's hard to keep blinders on and continue living in a vacuum. That's when you start to see the holes and cracks and find yourself questioning everything.

 

For me, I continuously found myself making one of those Pros & Cons list in my head whenever I felt frustrated with my boyfriend at the time. His position on certain issues, his anti-materialism, his procrastination, his disinterest in thinking more than 24 hours ahead and his lazy tendencies were all things that felt refreshing and seemed to make sense in the beginning. Then it started to change...or rather I started to come out of my love-fog.

 

It's not hard to fall blindly for someone who is able to fill a need you have where you can justify so many things. The truth of the matter is that no one is perfect and there will always be something we find frustrating about our partners however big or small.

 

If he's a good guy and treats you well and gives you things you haven't gotten from another man then it might be worth trying to work things out.

 

At the same time a relationship is a two way street. We ALL have to make sacrifices and do things that either don't come naturally to us or enjoy very much for the sake of our partner and our relationship. If he's not willing to meet you half way or work with you to find compromises that you both can live with than that may be very telling and food for thought.

 

Bottom line is YOU can't change him just as he can't change you.

 

Good luck!

 

Did we date the same guy? He's anti-materialism and his unique perspective on life is what I was initially drawn to him. I have yet to meet anyone who thinks like he does. But yep, the procrastination and lack of motivation drinks me nuts.

 

I'm realizing I need to sit with him and tell him what I need from him. And see if he will compromise even if he doesn't agree with it because it's what I so desperately want.

[preraph]

Don't lower your standards to accept him. There's something wrong with him. People shouldn't want to just sit around like that. Anyone in their right mind wants a person who is interesting and interested in life. Leaving him was the best decision you ever made.

[writergal]

I haven't thought of that because he doesn't have a Driver's License. Maybe I should have explained he joined the Marine Corps right when he turned 18 and things just wasn't the same. He has no motivation to get a license right now. He even says his head is not right at the moment to be responsible to drive. He says the streets will be safer. I respect his decision.

 

A lot of people asked what is so special about him, and I replied to one earlier if you are interested to know.

 

I think his PTSD has a LOT to do with his lack of motivation to re-build his life. Has he sought any help for his PTSD symptoms? Since he receives disability he probably is required to attend therapy sessions isn't he?

 

I would assume that his label of disability makes him barely employable. I don't think you can collect disability income and work at the same time, can you? I think that county resources are misguided in that they create a huge, cavernous system of catch 22's for people who need disability short term but can't get off of it because they aren't allowed to seek full time employment. Or something like that isn't it?

 

Maybe he feels like a failure. Maybe he has serious depression. He doesn't do drugs or he's not addicted to alcohol or anything like that is he?

 

Once you get knocked down enough, and low enough, it's really hard to climb back out of the deep hole you're in to a better life. It's not as easy as people think it is.

 

No, you can't change your boyfriend and you shouldn't try to. Only he can change himself. You can enable him without knowing that you're doing it. That may be what's happening. Maybe just set new boundaries with him and see how he does. It only takes you 30 days to change a habit. Start with small things, and see if you can help him change his habits to more positive habits that lead him to better circumstances. That lead him to make better choices. Just don't get frustrated if after all your leading and encouragement, he doesn't change. After all, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.