PCgirl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Long story I'm sorry! If anyone can get to the bottom without falling asleep I'd love your advice! Ex-boyfriend "James" has been divorced for only a year I have been divorced for 3 years We dated for 6 months He broke up with me a few months ago I've been casually seeing "Scott" I agree completely with "James" about the break up, but I still miss him. We both agreed to be friends. He told me he'd help me with my guy problems and I said sure. So I have always been hooked on my ex boyfriend from two years ago. I hadn't really told "James" about "Scott," while we were dating, but I told him all about him shortly after James broke up with me. I really laid it all out, just how infatuated with this guy I had always been. James seemed to be relieved that I was into someone else. I began dating Scott again casually, and James was really stressing that Scott and I should only be FWB. A couple of months ago (after me sharing about Scott for an entire month), James started showing major signs of jealousy. Scott was kind of being a little needy, and James thought he was narcissistic from what I told him. I'd tell him about the texts Scott and I shared and all that. James and I still flirted, but he lived hours away so we didn't get together, just text all day and talk occasionally. So I'd complain to James about Scott and ask his advice, and if I didn't do just as James said, he'd block my number so I couldn't talk to him. This would usually last for a day. Well a month and a half ago I told James that he was jealous and he was trying to make me jealous (which he was, he "accidentally" sent pictures of him and another woman to me), and he was so outright mean to me that day that I said goodbye. I ended up texting him a month later. So here we are now, and its like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Every text is, "what does Scott think of that?", "will Scott be following you on your vacation?", "why don't you dump the jerk?" He threatens to block my number on a whim if I say or do the wrong thing. Its obviously his control tactic. I can completely see when he is frustrated with me and maybe even hurt, but he puts up a wall and freaks out and calls me an idiot and threatens to "walk away for good". So I need to apologize and say that he got it all wrong, yada, yada, yada. So I try not to bring it up much, and I'm not even seeing Scott that much, but James is still infuriated about it. James and I did have a date and became intimate a couple of weeks ago. He talks about how one day he may want a relationship with the right woman, but not now. I agree that we shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm still healing from my divorce. But I'm still completely hooked on James, and seeing him get jealous so easily makes me want him more. I know its horrible, but I'm not sure what to do. We text about 20-30 times a day. He's coming back to town this week, and when I told him I may be going on a weekend trip he says "is Scott taking you? Is he going to finally leave you alone?" "why don't you just stay home this weekend." He really sounded annoyed. So does anyone have a take on this guy James? To be honest I kind of want him back, not to get married, but maybe date more seriously in the future. I want to give him time too. I guess if I wait patiently maybe he'll decide I'm the one he wants to see regularly? I also don't' want to get hurt. In one sentence he says he doesn't want to be tied down, and in the next he talks about relationships in the future with the right woman and is freaking out because I'm still talking to Scott. Maybe I'm just the wrong woman for him.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I think he is way too involved in your life. Exes should never be sounding boards for your relationship problems, ever. So that was the first big mis-step. Beyond that, I don't think he's seriously interested. He's territorial but he's flat-out told you he doesn't want a relationship right now. Listen to him. I think even if you tried to date him, it would end in disaster for you. You both need to take space from each other. Stop texting him so much, don't plan dates with him and certainly don't be intimate with him. 2
blackcat777 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 This is why it's important to take a period of no contact after a breakup... not necessarily permanently, but to let the dust settle. The jealousy does not sound healthy, and the fact that he'll hook up without but point-blank say he wants no relationship right now is code for "just not that into you," in the sense of you being the one for whom he will move mountains. He sounds more possessive than anything.
Author PCgirl Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Black Cat & Expat - I think you are definitely right. So if he doesn't want me why does he act so possessive? It feels like he wants people to adore him, and that's why he keeps me in his life. If I'm adoring someone else he gets jealous. I really am having a hard time breaking off the friendship.
kendahke Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 James is too much dang drama, girl. Drop his butt off at the mall and keep going. You can do way better than that.
kendahke Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Black Cat & Expat - I think you are definitely right. So if he doesn't want me why does he act so possessive? He's territorial, not possessive. If he was possessive, he'd be with you. He's territorial because he's had sex with you and thinks on a certain level that you belong to him. It's like the child with the toy he's not paying attention to until his sibling goes and picks it up; then he's wailing about wanting the toy his sibling is playing with---the one he wasn't giving not one iota of thought to. Then when he has it again, he goes back to ignoring it. He has said outright that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Well, guess what? You have a say-so in who you invest your time and if he's not giving you what you need, why are you wasting your youth behind him? Screw how it makes him feel! It feels like he wants people to adore him, and that's why he keeps me in his life. If I'm adoring someone else he gets jealous. I really am having a hard time breaking off the friendship. It's really not hard to do. Breaking it off is the easy part. It's the decision to break it off that's hard--and you dont' want to make that decision because he may wake up one say soon and decide he wants a relationship with you. My dear, that is no way to live... waiting on some guy to make a decision he may never make in your favor. And if you do get this relationship with him, do you want to have Scott thrown in your teeth every time he feels he needs to put you in your place--like he's doing now already? You dating Scott should never have been anything you discussed with him--it was none of his business. Come to sites like this to discuss your ex problems, not a narcissistic ex like James--his goal is to keep you single and sequestered so you don't date anyone. Then you look up and 10 years of your youth is gone and he's still talking the same old smack... or worse: you find out he's engaged to someone else. Some people are just meant to be a lesson in your life, not a relationship partner. This guy is one of those lessons. Learn it and move forward. 2
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm unbelievably shocked that you would involve your ex in your PERSONAL DATING life - or with ANY area of your life. They're ex's for a reason. If you're still "hooked" on your ex, then why aren't you dating him or having him as a FWB? He has told you very clearly that he's NOT interested in pursuing a relationship with you; yet you're still being intimate with him and telling him all of the intimate and personal details about the guy you're currently dating and sleeping with?! I have no advice for you OP, nor do I know what to even say about your situation. If I had to say one thing, it would be for you to go on permanent NC with "James". He sounds like a jealous control freak who's using you as a booty call because he KNOWS that you're still into him. .
coryreply Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Have you thought about dropping contact with him to see if he pursues you?
Author PCgirl Posted March 26, 2015 Author Posted March 26, 2015 Coryreply- Yes, I have stopped contact a couple of times. The first time was only for a few days and he started texting me saying how he doesn't deserve me, blah, blah, blah. The second time I really pissed him off, cut off all contact, then contacted him a month later. He kind of punished me for that by being pretty mean for a couple of days. Yes, I think I let him control me a little.
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