grabaka Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Has anyone ever been dumped or divorced, and your ex who left you and initiated the break up or divorce continually tries to hurt you more? If so please explain because I think that is what Im experiencing. My stbx and I have had to communicate with one another recently in regards to selling vehicles per our divorce and income tax reasons. She initiated our divorce in November when she left me for a married man,who in return dumped her 2 months later. He used her for sex, and dumped her...which led to her trying come back to me which I refused. Now since were having to work on legal issues with one another she is so cold and hateful. She went on to tell me she was thankful for the married man who used her mainly because it ended us...(Yeah real mature right). She also said she only talked about maybe coming back to work on us because she was lonely...but now (a month later) her life according to her is better than ever. See I was the victim of an affair, and she keeps saying things that hurt my healing. I wish I didnt have to deal with her. I ran into her and her girlfriend in the grocery store, we didnt speak but later according to a mutual friend my stbx and her girlfriend who was at the grocery store was making fun of me and my weight on FB....(Once again real mature right). Now she has signed up at the gym I go to, granted I dont know if she knows I go there, but I seen her through the window tonight at the gym so I didnt go in I just left. Its hard healing and doing no contact when you have to deal with settlement agreements together, let alone running into each other in public. But ultimately I wonder if it is a game she is playing to see if she can get a rise out of me, or if she literally is out to destroy me emotionally...in which I dont get, she is the one who left our marriage. Anyways please give any insight if you had someone dump you or divorce you in which they kept on trying to hurt you. Thanks!!
Poppyolive Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I expierenced similar. 6 years together, he dumped me, in an argument about his drinking. I accepted pretty much right away. Daily he would send cold, hateful, demanding texts. About simple things (clothes left behind, mail, etc) these were just excuses. Even when I offered everything in order for him to leave me alone. It continued. Eventually, once major things were sorted (apartment lease, etc) I blocked him everywhere. In total it went on for 7 months. Looking back, I think these actions were masked by deep hurt, sadness & possibly regret. Like your situation, she's probably going through the split now. So there is a lot of unwanted emotions coming up. And she's choosing anger to cope. Like my ex, I'm very sure he was doing the things to get a rise out of me. Possibly to make him feel better in the descission he made. But I never reacted. I couldn't, because I didn't have the energy. I had anxiety, fearing his next text, call. So, my advice to you is, barrel through, get everything sorted. Do not react. It will be draining. Then completely cut all ties. You really should consider eliminating mutual friends on Facebook, or at least unfollow. It will die down. I have had complete radio silence for one year now. I know nothing about him. Abd it is great. How I look at it is, some people cannot cope with their own emotions. They mask their own feelings, usually sadness with anger abd I don't care attitude. But, I'm very sure, late at night, when its just them and their own minds, they know they are in the wrong. But, guess what? Its really not your problem. Separate yourself, take care abd move on. She is not worth the thought. Best wishes!!!! 1
SycamoreCircle Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I can speak to this in small degrees. Nutshell: ex left me for the same dirtbag you're describing(there must be a dirtbag factory). Three months NC, she started smearing me on FB, as well as in an art exhibition. Seven months or when their FWB relationship caved-in(he left her for someone else), more art and anger directed at me. Fortunate for me, she is much too prideful to actually reach out. The things I know, I know through investigative work. I think we both are bound for the mantle over the fireplace. In a year or so(for you), if not sooner; well ten years for me, our exes will chew their index fingers and look with yearning at a portrait or piece of taxidermy propped religiously on the wall---all that is left of us. If only a man might come along to embody such love, such warmth, such concern. My love for him was too strong, she might say. Or if she has matured more aggressively, she'll chalk it up to lessons learned. Otherwise known as mistakes made. This, I believe, is our fate. 1
Poppyolive Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Sorry, fat fingers on phone = jumbled advice and spelling errors
Author grabaka Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) I expierenced similar. 6 years together, he dumped me, in an argument about his drinking. I accepted pretty much right away. Daily he would send cold, hateful, demanding texts. About simple things (clothes left behind, mail, etc) these were just excuses. Even when I offered everything in order for him to leave me alone. It continued. Eventually, once major things were sorted (apartment lease, etc) I blocked him everywhere. In total it went on for 7 months. Looking back, I think these actions were masked by deep hurt, sadness & possibly regret. Like your situation, she's probably going through the split now. So there is a lot of unwanted emotions coming up. And she's choosing anger to cope. Like my ex, I'm very sure he was doing the things to get a rise out of me. Possibly to make him feel better in the descission he made. But I never reacted. I couldn't, because I didn't have the energy. I had anxiety, fearing his next text, call. So, my advice to you is, barrel through, get everything sorted. Do not react. It will be draining. Then completely cut all ties. You really should consider eliminating mutual friends on Facebook, or at least unfollow. It will die down. I have had complete radio silence for one year now. I know nothing about him. Abd it is great. How I look at it is, some people cannot cope with their own emotions. They mask their own feelings, usually sadness with anger abd I don't care attitude. But, I'm very sure, late at night, when its just them and their own minds, they know they are in the wrong. But, guess what? Its really not your problem. Separate yourself, take care abd move on. She is not worth the thought. Best wishes!!!! Thanks for the story. Im sure she has hurt and even some guilt...I mean we were together for 6 yrs. To walk away with out one speck of guilt or regret would make her not human. I just dont understand why if they did wrong, they continue to take it out of you like it is your fault. At one point she blamed me for her affair. Now she is mad I am holding her accountable with our settlement agreement (she is in contempt on 2 issues). She tries looking so happy and plasters all these pics of her out and about on facebook (mutual friends told me) PROBABLY hoping I will see or hear about it. I blocked her on facebook. Its been 4 months since she left, during that time I found out about her affair, lost my daily routine and life as I knew it, had to move, and lost my dogs. She has scarred me so much, so if she is feeling some pain and guilt...good! Edited March 25, 2015 by grabaka
Poppyolive Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I just dont understand why if they did wrong, they continue to take it out of you like it is your fault. At one point she blamed me for her affair. I don't understand it either. But, like you, I spent time thinking about why. I strongly believe, they are hurting, sad & regretful, but not enough to make it right or apologise. It depends i guess, on her character. I, for one, could never do this to another. But, I'm someone, very in touch with how I feel and I pride myself on being emotionally transparent. No emotions are masked. This makes me think, she & he, did this because they are not well. Certainly not in a good headspace to cope. In order to help herself, its easier to be angry at you. But actually, it probably prolongs her pain.in the long run. Remember, the opposite to love is indifference. I remember a month after my ex split. He text looking for his running shoes. Because I didn't reply right away, i got texts with just...????? Followed by accusations of me keeping his stuff and how dare I ignore him. All the while, I hadn't even seen the first text. Looking back now, in retrospect its really funny. I boxed up all his belongings, he came by and only took a few items. Sure enough, 2 days later, another text demanding something else. This was his way of holding on. Crappy, hey? It would of been much easier if he said, I'm not in a good place, etc. he continued to hurt me, because he was hurting. She is doing the same to you. Nip that in the bud. Sort your things out & go complete no contact. 1
Author grabaka Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Now that she is going to the same gym as me, I plan on just ignoring her if she is there. No eye contact, no conversation, just like she is a complete stranger I do not know. I think this is the best option, I just dont want her ego to be stroked or for her to think she is getting a rise out of me to where Im ignoring her. There is no being civil and polite to her. She cheated, stole all of our bank account money, and now is in contempt of court on 2 issues. So I cant be putting on that happy smile and a simple wave to her if I see her like most people suggest if you see your ex.
NopeNah Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 People treat you how you allow them to. If she's trying to insult you,walk away. If she's "joking with her friends",Fu*k'em! Just do you and don't worry about what she say's or thinks her reality is.
KBarletta Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Honestly, I think the simple answer to your question is that they shift the blame to you for what happened and, because they are convincing themselves that it is all your fault, it makes them angry at you instead of directing the anger on themselves. It's a self-preservation technique. It's probably not healthy for them because they won't recognize their faults or learn from them, but it is a short-term fix to avoid their own self-loathing, guilty feelings. I would just chalk it up to that and try to ignore it as much as you can. Keep your contact to a minimum and only discuss essential topics.
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