Raptor77 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Hi guys, Try cut a long story short, my ex broke up with me 6 months ago , I went no contact and 3 months later she contacted me to meet up, everything was amazing it was like meeting her for the first time again ans she asked me back to hers( stupid I no) because of the doubt I felt she had for me an nerve I just couldn't preform, she said she understood. But I felt disappointed with myself and days later I let her go. We met up as freinds 2 months on and my feelings came rushing back but she said she only wants to be friends at the moment, she is not ready for a relationship and doesn't no what she wants, she said when she is ready me being a fried will increase the chances of getting back with each other, but can't promise anything. Anyway last week, we met up as freinds again I took her back to gets and she stayed in the car for 2 hours and we just spoke about us, she said she thinks she's depressed as she didn't feel anything, not just about me but anyone, she said she just isn't looking for love and is happy the way she is, she then left and asked me to text her when I got in. Which I did we texted and joked with eachother for a bit and all seemed fine. Few days later I text her to see how she is doing, she didn't text back all day but when she did her reply was, this friend thing isn't going to work, you clearly see it as more, and your a liar if you say you don't , she then blocked me. So now I'm completely confused , she told me being friends would give me more of a chance ? Yes I admit I still love her , I still wake up thinking of her, it hurts everyday, I need to start to move on but every time I get somewhere going forwards I get kicked back with her showing back up, or finding random memories of us , it's so hard to just forget like I feel she has !?!?
NC-Thomas Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I just don't understand why you even keep trying for someone that threw you to the curb in the first place. You just keep trying to make something out of nothing. STOP that. Understand that once a girl dumps you, there is basically no turning back. Especially being "friends" is complete BS. One day she will meet you as a "friend" and introducing you to her new "cute" boyfriend. You want that? No man. Sorry for being harsh here, but you need to make that 180 degree turn, pick up you balls, and move on. There are 6 billion woman in this world and you are wasting your valuable time with someone that doesn't want you. 4
Author Raptor77 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 I just don't understand why you even keep trying for someone that threw you to the curb in the first place. You just keep trying to make something out of nothing. STOP that. Understand that once a girl dumps you, there is basically no turning back. Especially being "friends" is complete BS. One day she will meet you as a "friend" and introducing you to her new "cute" boyfriend. You want that? No man. Sorry for being harsh here, but you need to make that 180 degree turn, pick up you balls, and move on. There are 6 billion woman in this world and you are wasting your valuable time with someone that doesn't want you. I know, we was just togther a long time and a year ago we got engaged, I don't get how they can turn there back on you with no emotions? I've deleted facebook to stop myself contacting her, we work in the same building but luckley different office so don't see eavhother often. I don't understand why I'm finding it so difficult to move on, previous relationships I never found it this hard to move on after ? I've dated a few girls since but didn't feel anything, because I was thinking its not here the whole time.
NC-Thomas Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I know, we was just togther a long time and a year ago we got engaged, I don't get how they can turn there back on you with no emotions? I've deleted facebook to stop myself contacting her, we work in the same building but luckley different office so don't see eavhother often. I don't understand why I'm finding it so difficult to move on, previous relationships I never found it this hard to move on after ? I've dated a few girls since but didn't feel anything, because I was thinking its not here the whole time. Good thing you already deleted her Facebook. Ignorance is a bliss! Keep to it and keep full NC. This will benefit you healing the most. Remember that everyday is progress, and one day the sun will come up and you think to yourself "what the actual f*ck", i'm not thinking about her anymore. Time is your best "friend", not her. About her turning her back on you, this probably happened way before you were even realized. Dumpers turn their back on you long before they break up. That's the reason why it always comes as a complete surprise. I had it happen twice. And as a dumpee, we just can't understand how this happened...how they can be so cold? Well here's your answer. They already checked out emotionally long before you did. Keep venting, hit the gym, make new friends, take that girl on a date, take up that new hobby and visit that old high school friend. You had a life before her, and you lead a happy and fulfilling life again.
Strength in Healing Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 6 Billion women? Lol. There's 3.7 billion or so, and that's enough if you ask me, thanks. Hahaha. Anyways... I feel your pain, brother. But you need to do like NC-Thomas' name is and go NC. Period. Then you need to learn to embrace the pain that follows. Utilize it. Feed off of it. Because it WILL hurt. Some days will be good. Some will be hell. But as time passes... you'll see the bad days become fewer and further between. By the way, NC-Thomas, good name... my name is Thomas. 1
Author Raptor77 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks guys , just unsure if it's normal to still be missing her 6 months on and still think about her a lot everyday , when it obvious she does not care.
AaronSG Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks guys , just unsure if it's normal to still be missing her 6 months on and still think about her a lot everyday , when it obvious she does not care. If it makes you feel any better, as least for me I'll answer your question "yes", it's normal to miss her! Personally, for me, I'm in between the 7.5 and 8 month mark since my breakup and there are still those moments where I miss my ex-fiancé. But as Strength in Healing has said, and it's very true....."Some days will be good. Some will be hell"! He's right, even where I'm at, I still have my pretty good days and of course I can have those days where I think "God, just kill me now" because I can't take missing her anymore. But as time has been passing, things have mellowed out. Personally I don't think there ever will be a day when I wake up some morning and "tada" I'm healed and never think of her again. I rather think that if we allow someone in our lives, especially if it's allowing someone in of the romantic variety, and we make memory's with that person, go here, go there, all night love making, the lovey dovey conversations, the trips, the dinner and Netflix nights, hosting and hanging with friends and family, when you do something like all that with a person who is a romantic person in ones life, there will always be memory's permanently etched into ones mind. The memory's of my ex-fiancé might be etched in my mind, but as time has passed I have become less obsessive about them, less chronic about them, less manic abut them, for some reason I'm starting to get to a place with my recovery that I'm just kind of starting to look and feel like "it was what it was" and "it's going to be what it's going to be"! Missing someone is fine, as long as the level of missing is kept in check and doesn't motivate us to do something stupid........like breaking "no contact" or something like that. You'll be fine, just remember that in time things will ease up for you and you'll then begin to feel better. Keep posting, let it out, we're here for you! 4
unforgotten Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I don't know if it's "normal" but just know you're not the only one. We've been apart for about 6 months too. I didn't even see her or talk to her or anything for about two months and I keep strict NC for more than 4 months. I still have ****ty days when my mind wanders into the past and I relive sad and happy memories. I just cannot get it what she did to me. Not a day passes by that I wouldn't think about her. I wonder how long will it last. I'm afraid it might forever and that scares me a lot. However, I do find other girls attractive but didn't have any luck so far. I'm scared of ending up all alone etc. There's a lot of stuff I'm scared of. I don't see bright future in front of me though I'm fighting every day and doing the best that I know how to leave this mess behind me. I socialize, workout, keep busy with my hobbies etc. I'm a hell of a lot better than I was but I'm nowhere near happy. 1
Strength in Healing Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Aaron is right. See, I dated a girl for three months about 11 months ago and still miss her and think about her every day. The trick is learning to embrace the pain. Utilize it. You can transform it into fuel that makes you stronger. Don't fear the pain. You can't run from it. You have to run towards it.
Author Raptor77 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks guys it's amazing how reading your comments can help clear things on my mind. Your right about certain days, sometimes I can have a really good day where I will maybe wake up think about her and then can get her off my mind, other days I miss her all day , and think what if that, what if that. I think I have a few questions in my head that won't ever get answered, 1. How does it no affect her, she just got on with life, as said previously she was over me before the break up? 2. I'm attracted to girls but when I start to get close to them , my head goes do you really want to go through all of that again? And I just back off and can't be bothered with it all 3.and why when we did meet up to me she was nice to me, but then so horrible to me over text ?
DJOkawari Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Thanks guys it's amazing how reading your comments can help clear things on my mind. Your right about certain days, sometimes I can have a really good day where I will maybe wake up think about her and then can get her off my mind, other days I miss her all day , and think what if that, what if that. I think I have a few questions in my head that won't ever get answered, 1. How does it no affect her, she just got on with life, as said previously she was over me before the break up? 2. I'm attracted to girls but when I start to get close to them , my head goes do you really want to go through all of that again? And I just back off and can't be bothered with it all 3.and why when we did meet up to me she was nice to me, but then so horrible to me over text ? Well I'm no expert (and sorry if I come off as preachy but this is a bit cathartic for me too) but I've been through a few relationships and I'm currently still missing someone after about 5 months so I really feel like I know where you are coming from: 1. How does it no affect her, she just got on with life, as said previously she was over me before the break up? She's moved on in her life. It doesn't mean the pain is gone but her happiness isn't tied to this. You saw her 3 months out and obviously this was still an issue for her. Like I said I'm in the same situation, messed up reconciliation (due to the extremely valid reason of being emotional) about 3 months out and now we haven't talked since. Just relax. She's on her own path. Whether that leads to intersect with yours is unreasonable for anyone in the world to know. People anywhere will tell you to move on and forget about someone who "doesn't care for you" and that you have "6 billion" other options. That's mostly for your own good. They aren't insulting your feelings or the relationship...They just want you to find your happiness, really figure out what that relationship meant, figure out what you want from life, and finally, figure out what it means to love for you. None of those things can be done while in a relationship and none of those things involve your lady here. It's actually best if you aren't heavily involved while you figure this out. Until you answer these questions for yourself based on what you learned in your recent relationship you won't really be able to move forward. I don't know you but remember the attractive, confident guy who entered this relationship? Is that you right now? Objectively, have you improved since your relationship started? Have you improved since it ended? It's been 6 months, she isn't the same person you see in your memories. Again, I don't know you but you probably aren't the guy from her good memories right now either. Just get your swagger back and find joy and purpose in your life. It's hard but that's the only way for anything positive to come into your life. It isn't just going to fall into your hands. If you meet up with her one day you'll both be different people WHO ARE BOTH HOPEFULLY HAPPY WITH WHO THEY ARE. Don't worry about anything that already happened, it's done. 2. I'm attracted to girls but when I start to get close to them , my head goes do you really want to go through all of that again? And I just back off and can't be bothered with it all It's important to put yourself out there. Just relax and take it slow. When you want to go through it again, you will. There's no pressure to do anything. Just hang out and enjoy their company. You'll know what you want, when you want it. My example is that I've been going on dates and normally I'm a pretty forward person. With my ex I kissed her right as I picked her up for our date and set the mood like that. On the other hand I've been a few dates with a new girl (absolutely wonderful girl) and we've just hung out, not even touched at all and it's lovely. Just remember to be honest with your feelings and to 100% try to avoid misconceptions. 3.and why when we did meet up to me she was nice to me, but then so horrible to me over text ? I don't know her but frankly, this happens (from my experience) when you're weak and ****ty. She remembered you positively and you didn't live up to yourself. It 100% is not your fault. She was trying to find a memory and didn't realize that when you break up with someone, they're gonna be different than when you left them. That's something she's coping with. Like I said, I don't know you, her, or anything so this might all work out one day and it really might not but the only way for you to even have a minute chance of being happy (with or without her) is to start enjoying your life and forming strong feelings for how you want to be. Then when you see her again, you'll be over her and you'll now if she is something you'd like to pursue at all. At the moment the power dynamic is that she doesn't want what you've become and she could have you at any time. There is nothing attractive about that. Give yourself some space and become the person you want to be. You'll find at that moment that probably, you are happy just moving forward with your life. 1
apeman101 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 She is keeping you around for validation. Cut all chords and run forrest run !
dyna85 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Pretty sure you're having difficulty as she keeps pulling you back in for more. I mean, you'd probably already miss her anyway, but her constant re-entrance keeps throwing you for loops time and time again. It's like intermittent reinforcement. She contacts you after 2 months, then 3 months. That is a bit hope-inducing if you ask me, so I can understand your plight. The thing that seems kinda weird is the fact that she keeps re-initiating contact and then going cold on you. I don't think that's right. Esp the latest blocking. She seems confused and non committal, which is not fair to you. I think you need to take matters into your own hands and either cut the cord or take the risk of continuing to re-experience the pain and disappointment if you keep reconnecting and she keeps turning you away in the end. You guys either keep open the communication or not. If she's not willing to communicate (as evidenced by her blocking you), then what more can you do? You don't have to feel guilty for not moving on as quickly as you perceive her to have. She's definitely giving conflicting signals. I mean, if she says being friends would make it easier for you to potentially reconcile, while is she blocking you? I think it's all a matter of what you are willing to put up with on the whole. I mean, if it's too torturous to endure her hot/cold behavior, maybe you need some time away and to keep her out of the picture?
AaronSG Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 1. How does it no affect her, she just got on with life, as said previously she was over me before the break up? Trust me when I say that it "does" affect her, but just not in any way shape or form that you'll ever be able to detect. Remember, she broke it off with you, she now has to give the appearance of "staying strong" and "moving on" and "acting as if she's at peace with it" ect. ect. ect. Like with my situation, after my breakup from my ex-fiancé, a lot of my closest friends and family members at different time were basically saying the same thing. That most of them could tell that my ex-fiancé had "mentally checked out" of the relationship months before I even knew it was over. We examined things, and out of all people it took my own Mother to sum it up for me. While visiting her about 3-4 months after the breakup, the topic of "mentally checked out" came up! She walked into her home office, came out with a shoe box with photo's she had taken of me and my ex while we were together. Before presenting me her "theory" she told me to just be silent, be still and open up your eye's and open your mind and look! She put on the table 1 photo, one taken approx. 6-7 days after my ex-finance's arrival in Sacramento! Photo # 2 was put on the table, a photo approx 4-5 months after her arrival. She put down photo # 3 one taken approx. 9-10 months after her arrival. And the kicker, she put down a photo taken just 3 days before my ex broke up with me! She told me, without putting to many words to it, keep it simple, what do you see? Keeping it as simple as I could, photo # 1, she larger than life, cloud 9 stuff, beaming, radiant, pulsing, lovey dovey, drippy, "dream come true" looks upon her face. Photo # 2, Still looking lovey dovey, drippy, happy, flush, radiant, pleased, glowing, beaming, stunning, that "happy to be here" look. Photo # 3, a look of slight tension, slight unsure look, hesitant, slightly holding back, not so radiant, not so beaming, almost a forced smile look, way distant look to the eye's, nothing close to that old "happy to be here" look, tired, confused, strained look, perplexed. Mom said, good job, last photo, again keep it simple, don't apply to many words, just keep the statements to what this photo appears to you with just "one liners"! Photo # 4, tired, frustrated look, annoyed look, flustered look, looking as if one's just going through the motions look, pale, dry, her hair looks unkept and unhealthy, stone, then something hit me like a ton of bricks, I said the "eye's", Mom was like good, your on the right path, keep going! I quickly grabbed photo # 3 and went side by side with photo # 4 and looked at the eye's! It finally hit me, and hit me hard that tears rolled down my face......"Mom, I hate to say it, but she's got that I can't wait to be out of here look in those eye's"! "Bingo kid", the breakup wasn't about you, it was about her! I'd say that 3 months before she sat down with us in my living room and called everything off, 3 months before that she had already "mentally checked out" with everyone, yourself included. She just got tired of being here Son, I suspect that our life style either scared her or made her feel super uncomfortable. What might be our little slice of heaven her in fact could have been some sort of prison for her. Plus Mom knew she was "home sick" and always worrying about her parents, knowing their financial woes! So to us Raptor77 it hit's us like a ton of bricks, hit's us from out of no where, feels like the breakup came from out of the blue! But for our ex's, they've already made their peace with it, they've already come to terms with it, they've already in the shadows formulated an exit strategy, they've already started to script out in their minds the words they'll use to start the "we are breaking up" conversation, ect. ect. ect. To us, the dumpee's, we're blind sided, but to the dumper's they already know it's coming and just can't wait to be out and done! 2. I'm attracted to girls but when I start to get close to them , my head goes do you really want to go through all of that again? And I just back off and can't be bothered with it all Your self esteem has taken a big hit, it's no wonder you feel as you do! Personally, if it were me, I'd stay away from the girl scene for a while. Because every time you try to approach a female for whom you might be interested in and you get "cold feet" about it and back off, each and ever time it's going to be a direct punch in the gut to your self esteem! You'll walk away feeling down, not doing very nice "self talk" to yourself, feeling of doubts, feelings of worry, feelings of being less than a man, you don't need that. Stay away from the lady's right now, you'll know when it's time to get back into the game! But right now isn't the time, your to wrapped up in your current situation to be able to move on to another situation with a new female. 3.and why when we did meet up to me she was nice to me, but then so horrible to me over text ? It's the classic case of "push/pull" which is the technical way of saying "your getting played"! Of course when it's "face to face" she's going to feel more adapt to be be so very nice with you! Because she's there, your right in front of her, she perhaps doesn't want to take the chance of having any sort of confrontations with you! Because oh boy, if there's a confrontation it just remind her of what's she's doing and perhaps make her realize the games she playing with you, she doesn't want that ugly head of truth coming out! So she'll play "nice" when your "face to face" with her. But it's only when she is away from you that the truth comes out, it's only when the distance between you can keep her safe. Remember the distance between you keeps her from seeing your body language, keeps her from seeing your facial expressions, keeps her from seeing you gritting your teeth, perhaps keeps her from seeing you clinch a frustrated fist, ect. ect. ect. "Face to face" she's going to be your "best friend", but on the phone, text, e-mail, social media, carrier pigeon, smoke signal............she can be your worst enemy! Push/pull................that's what this all is..............just a fancy way of saying...................."your getting played"! Drop all of this and move on, just move on!
Author Raptor77 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) Thanks guys, reading all that means a lot, I just have to clear the memories out my head that keep replaying over of when I first met her. When I last met up with her she also mentioned she met up with a guy a few times and he was nice, almost like she playing games to hurt me and she is enjoying it. I don't get why ? I'm also scared about finding out that she has moved on, if this guy and her do get togther then I'm not sure how I would react, im already gutted I lost her but if somone replaces me and I see her happy, I will be complelty distraught. I just want to go up to her and shake the answer out of her, as to Why she is doing this. I'm not sure if I mentioned previously, im calling her my girlfriend but she was actually my fiancé, my heart became so attached that 'she was the one' it still believes it even though, my mind is telling me to let go. Last week I felt positive, I felt I was starting to pick myself up doing my own stuff, then she got in contact we met up and then she was nasty to me... Kicked me right back down im struggling to sleep, when I do I wake up every hour and I think about her all day.... I do think to myself, is she struggling to sleep, is she thinking if me ..... NO, and it helps for a bit and I go off to doing my own thing until the mind wonders again. Once again guys I appreciate your comments, reading throught them are really helping unravel things on my mind. Edited March 27, 2015 by Raptor77
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