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The Rules book, a guide to marrying the man you want?

DatingDirection

By DatingDirection
in General Relationship Discussion

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DatingDirection Established Member

DatingDirection

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Has anyone ever read this book? I read it years ago...and so I took an initiative and now im pulling back, b/c I don't want to be the pursuer, even though we're just friends...

 

 

The Situation: I met someone last summer, we went on a few dates, the person told me, they either wanting a non-serious RL with me or just a friendship with me. I said, since we both get along so well, I would like to maintain a friendship, but just that. For the past 9 months, we talk over the phone, once in a while the person will ask me to hang out, but I've been too busy, so we haven't seen each other since we decided to just be friends. The last convo we had was about taking a course together, I mentioned that if he found something interesting, tell me about it, and if I found something interesting I will tell him about it. That was weeks ago, I haven't heard from him, and I haven't contacted him because I've been so busy, I haven't had time to focus on taking a course at the moment. I also don't want to push it, just in case he may have just said, yes he's interested in taking up a course with me, just to be nice? Should I follow up with him about taking a course, or just let it be, and wait for him to come up with something?

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

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Should I follow up with him about taking a course, or just let it be, and wait for him to come up with something?

 

After WEEKS?!?! You had better keep in contact in some form if you want to stay on his radar...

blackcat777 Established Member

blackcat777

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Honestly, it sounds like the person is not very interested... if they asked for something non-serious or friendship only. If you were having any romantic inclinations, you deserve better than that, first and foremost.

 

The lack of following through on his part also sounds like it's not worth your time. When guys are interested, they will act. You deserve a man that is fully interested... enough to pursue you and act.

 

^^Which, though I don't follow it to the letter, seems to be the spirit of The Rules, which is quite wise. The whole women-chasing-men generally seems to end badly.

 

If you liked The Rules, you might like reading some Patricia Allen.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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I read the Rules and its sequel loooooooong time ago. So long I can't remember with specificity the content.

 

Yeah, I agree with blackcat777...

 

You don't need a Rules book to tell you not to chase someone who made clear to you what they wanted and you decided what they want isn't what you want/need.

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DatingDirection Established Member

DatingDirection

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Honestly, it sounds like the person is not very interested... if they asked for something non-serious or friendship only. If you were having any romantic inclinations, you deserve better than that, first and foremost.

 

The lack of following through on his part also sounds like it's not worth your time. When guys are interested, they will act. You deserve a man that is fully interested... enough to pursue you and act.

 

^^Which, though I don't follow it to the letter, seems to be the spirit of The Rules, which is quite wise. The whole women-chasing-men generally seems to end badly.

 

If you liked The Rules, you might like reading some Patricia Allen.

 

 

Ok that's it then! I'm not contacting him ever. If he's not interested in me, then why does he call me? He even called me as soon as he got back from Europe! I'm very mad right now. I have no idea why im mad, but I do know that I want to be with someone who truly values me, as a person, even if that person wants to be my friend, I only want friends who truly value me. puff, im mad, why am I mad, I know your reaction is correct, but I don't get why my reaction is anger.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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On a side note, they need some modern day Rules on how to deal with guys now a days. Cuz with the women's movement, FWBs, shack ups - good luck on finding a guy patient enough to wait on you to get with him and/or gentleman enough to treat you right.

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DatingDirection Established Member

DatingDirection

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he made it clear he doesn't want a RL with me, he made it clear that he either wanted FWB or just a friendship. I drew the line, and said friendship, he also agreed to that too, because he does like me. He since then has reached out to me, on a friendship basis. Maybe it's time for me to say to him, it's not a good idea for us to hang out like friends do, since he made it clear he doesn't want to pursue anything with me?

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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Ok that's it then! I'm not contacting him ever. If he's not interested in me, then why does he call me? He even called me as soon as he got back from Europe! I'm very mad right now. I have no idea why im mad, but I do know that I want to be with someone who truly values me, as a person, even if that person wants to be my friend, I only want friends who truly value me. puff, im mad, why am I mad, I know your reaction is correct, but I don't get why my reaction is anger.

 

You're probably angry cuz he's sorta "checking in" to keep a bit of fire there "if" he decides he wants a taste and/or to get his ego filled. Or, he might really just enjoy your friendship.

 

But, at the end of the day it's torture for you cuz you want more.

 

So, you gotta decide if you wanna cut him out of your life or just handle interactions with him with a grain of salt (by not looking much into it) AND not initiating any contact.

 

See, in this life you gotta learn how to handle people...you're gonna have similar issues with friends, coworkers, family....situations where you gotta interact with them and be civil even though there may be other issues going on (ie the friend who only calls you now and then, a coworker you wanna strangle, family holiday get-togethers). Trust me, I'm still learning how to handle people.

 

With my recent crush, I have my moments where I could care less if he's breathing...and I'm praying with time more of those moments soon become my everyday reality. I mean I have days where I can say "hi" w/o flinching and days where a "hi" turns into me upset that he isn't knocking down my door to get with me. So, I get your frustration...but you gotta learn how to handle him or just tell him to stop contacting you and let it go.

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DatingDirection Established Member

DatingDirection

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You know what! I just told him now, I said, I met a really hot guy who speaks Spanish and offered to teach me Spanish one on one, (that was the course we were going to look into, initially) taking up Spanish.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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he made it clear he doesn't want a RL with me, he made it clear that he either wanted FWB or just a friendship. I drew the line, and said friendship, he also agreed to that too, because he does like me. He since then has reached out to me, on a friendship basis. Maybe it's time for me to say to him, it's not a good idea for us to hang out like friends do, since he made it clear he doesn't want to pursue anything with me?

 

Well, that's up to you...

 

I mean, if you need/want his attention till you find another guy...then indulge him. But if indulging him is gonna hinder your ability to move on, then maybe a talk is due.

 

But honestly, if you didn't want to elicit a reaction, you wouldn't care to have a "talk" and you wouldn't be posting here...you'd be busy out there with life and trying to meet someoene else and probably his recent call would have went straight to voicemail.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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You know what! I just told him now, I said, I met a really hot guy who speaks Spanish and offered to teach me Spanish one on one, (that was the course we were going to look into, initially) taking up Spanish.

 

Oh no, don't do that....

 

Again, he can tell you faked that....cuz, again, so what if you met a hot guy? Why are you telling him?

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DatingDirection Established Member

DatingDirection

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Oh no, don't do that....

 

Again, he can tell you faked that....cuz, again, so what if you met a hot guy? Why are you telling him?

 

Oh no, lol. Well, b/c we originally had plans to take up Spanish, so I let him know that im taking it up with someone one on one.?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Rule # 1 is don't lie. If there is a Spanish guy that's wonderful for you. But if you are making him up that's a problem.

 

 

I don't understand why you are mad at him. He outlined what he wanted from you. You took him up on the offer of friendship disingenuously because you wanted more. You made the classic mistake of believing that if you hung around as his friend, eventually in time he'd see how wonderful & loyal you are & then he would pick you. It doesn't work that way.

 

 

In addition to the Rules, you need to read a Book called He's Just Not that Into You.

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regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

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These books have destroyed people. They're all about manipulation!

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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These books have destroyed people. They're all about manipulation!

 

I actually found a more positive message: have some self esteem.

 

 

I found them to be trying to teach people, especially women, to respect themselves & be skeptical of men who don't treat them with care. Constant last minute dates show that a guy doesn't value your time. Him saying he has to work & not chasing you as hard as you want are indicators that you aren't flipping his world upside down the way he's rocking yours so pulling back may be in order. The advice about not accepting a date who doesn't call on Wednesday is game playing / manipulation but again it's one measure to see if the OP values your time by asking in advance but not being smothering.

 

 

You can't follow the advice word for word but to the extent they help anybody see that they have self worth, they are more positive.

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regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

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I actually found a more positive message: have some self esteem.

 

 

I found them to be trying to teach people, especially women, to respect themselves & be skeptical of men who don't treat them with care. Constant last minute dates show that a guy doesn't value your time. Him saying he has to work & not chasing you as hard as you want are indicators that you aren't flipping his world upside down the way he's rocking yours so pulling back may be in order. The advice about not accepting a date who doesn't call on Wednesday is game playing / manipulation but again it's one measure to see if the OP values your time by asking in advance but not being smothering.

 

 

You can't follow the advice word for word but to the extent they help anybody see that they have self worth, they are more positive.

 

"He's not that into you" wasn't bad. But the ones that are about how to marry a man by being cool and nonchalant are counterproductive and somehow make the woman revolve around how men want her to behave. If I were to write a dating book I would just write "be your usual self, flaws, neediness, nagging and all, and if he stays then he's into you". :p

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blackcat777 Established Member

blackcat777

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Have you read The Rules?

 

Some of the tests are executed in a way that are a bit silly (setting an egg timer while on the phone), but they are all about self-esteem. There is absolutely nothing in it about acting "how men want women to behave," more the opposite, if anything.

 

It's not my favorite book, but it does have some value in the sense of it being a 101 for setting personal boundaries, which is why I feel the need to clarify.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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Why would you want to marry a guy that isn't into you that much? "Liking" isn't always going to develope into "love". If you don't want to be friends with him just be honest; you're interested in him in a romantic way and since he can't give you that it's best for you to cut contact to move on from these feelings, end.

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DatingDirection Established Member

DatingDirection

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these books have destroyed people. They're all about manipulation!

 

i actually love the fact that a man, said this! And i do believe this to be true! Just another marketing tool to sell, and create unnessary miscommunication and drama. Although there are a few...good...points...like a few...good men. Hahaha.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Stay away from any book that promotes game playing and manipulation like this. There are hundreds of them on the market and relationships are still a mess these days so they aren't doing much good.

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xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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The Rules Revisited

 

This is the only site I read when it comes to "rules". It's not even about rules so much as having good boundaries and learning when to cut someone off when you have been rejected. There are no manipulations whatsoever. So a good perspective from a guy trying to help woman not waste their time on men who don't want them.

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