sweetandsour Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Hi all Has anyone every dated a passive-aggressive man who also happens to be a committment phobe? If so any advice and I don't mean telling me to run, we are 3 years down the line so I'm not going too, but any other advice would be great.
Redhead14 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Hi all Has anyone every dated a passive-aggressive man who also happens to be a committment phobe? If so any advice and I don't mean telling me to run, we are 3 years down the line so I'm not going too, but any other advice would be great. I am currently with a man who fit that description in the beginning of our relationship. What is it specifically that you are asking about? I need little more info. 1
losangelena Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Can you give us more detail? Why are you posting about this now and not, say, a year ago? What's your relationship dynamic like? It what ways is he passive aggressive and a commitmentphobe? Without hearing any details, the only thing I would say is that I'd imagine that dating someone like that would be very difficult. 2
Diezel Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Has anyone every dated a passive-aggressive man who also happens to be a committment phobe? Sounds like a very up front, loving, and long relationship. 2
regine_phalange Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Hi all Has anyone every dated a passive-aggressive man who also happens to be a committment phobe? If so any advice and I don't mean telling me to run, we are 3 years down the line so I'm not going too, but any other advice would be great. Why is he passive-aggressive? Why is he a commitment phobe? 1
Author sweetandsour Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 It is a long, loving and open relationship thankyou, but from my perspective it's just that he deals with things differently to me, brought up in a household that the male figure didn't talk about feelings, they withdrew and went silent, which is now how he immediately deals with it, I don't punish or shout as its ingrained behaviour and when we sit down and discuss whatever the matter is in hand, he understands why it's not the best way of working things out and that talking to each other and not running away is actually the best way of handling it. He is 100 x times better than he was but I just wanted to know if anyone had a similar relationship and how did they deal with it. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 It is a long, loving and open relationship thankyou, but from my perspective it's just that he deals with things differently to me, brought up in a household that the male figure didn't talk about feelings, they withdrew and went silent, which is now how he immediately deals with it, I don't punish or shout as its ingrained behaviour and when we sit down and discuss whatever the matter is in hand, he understands why it's not the best way of working things out and that talking to each other and not running away is actually the best way of handling it. He is 100 x times better than he was but I just wanted to know if anyone had a similar relationship and how did they deal with it. It appears that you are dealing with it in a way that is working for you and him -- He is 100 x times better than he was. It will certainly be a very gradual process for him to learn how to communicate effectively. And, a great deal of patience is required. But, since you say he's 100x times better now, he's already there. I'm confused about why you're asking this question then. 2
GemmaUK Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 It appears that you are dealing with it in a way that is working for you and him -- He is 100 x times better than he was. It will certainly be a very gradual process for him to learn how to communicate effectively. And, a great deal of patience is required. But, since you say he's 100x times better now, he's already there. I'm confused about why you're asking this question then. This is what I'm seeing also. OP is/are there a particular situation/s right now that you're coming up against? 1
Author sweetandsour Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks very much for the replies, no there isn't anything in particular, probably just doubting myself a bit because I've never dealt with it before and although I can see huge progress, it's still his first line of coping. My question really was has anyone else dealt with this in a relationship and did they have any advice on dealing with it that I might be miasing.
katiegrl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Are you saying he withdraws after an argument? As opposed to staying and arguing until it's resolved? If so, that's not necessarily a bad thing....he needs to cool off and calm down and then he can come back later and discuss calmly and rationally. If that is what you mean, tell him that although you understand why he does it, his withdrawing hurts you and makes YOU feel like he doesn't care. Don't accuse him of not caring....only that it makes YOU feel like he doesn't care. There's a difference. Then gauge his response....and discuss from there. Or are you talking about something else?
Author sweetandsour Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Hi Katiegirl, we don't argue as in shouting at each other but if one of us does something the other doesn't like or agree with, I try and communicate to him whereas he deals with it by withdrawing, I have talked to him about how it hurts and makes me feel whilst also being careful not to make 'you' statements and use 'I' and also at the same time telling him I know how much he loves and cares for me, he does understand and knows it's not healthy, although his come around time is a lot sooner nowadays it still happens and I guess it always will.
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I think you're doing all that you can at this point as is he. The only other advice I can give is counselling either together or just for you. Sometimes having an impartial objective professional can provide a lot of insight and help you navigate better in all areas of your life. Good luck. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks very much for the replies, no there isn't anything in particular, probably just doubting myself a bit because I've never dealt with it before and although I can see huge progress, it's still his first line of coping. My question really was has anyone else dealt with this in a relationship and did they have any advice on dealing with it that I might be miasing. If it isn't broken, don't try to fix it. What you've been doing is getting results. Be confident in yourself. Focus on the progress that's been made and reinforce it. In other words, every time he deals with something in a more effective way, make sure he understands that you appreciate it and that he is contributing to the success of the relationship. Positive reinforcement. 1
katiegrl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Since he "does" come around eventually (and the timeframe of doing so is getting shorter)... I would just accept his style of dealing with it, understand he needs time and space to think about the issue...and trust when he's ready to talk about it, he will. It sounds like you are doing everything "right" by not getting emotional and bugging him about it. As a result, he's feeling emotionally safer with you, which will result in him needing to withdraw less and less. I think many men shut down and withdraw because so many woman become soooooooo emotional, and men don't know how.... or even want to deal with that! So they withdraw. Does that make sense? 1
Author sweetandsour Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 It is something we have discussed to attend together,separately or both, we both want to work this out even though it's unchartered territory for us. Thank you all for your advice, sometimes you get a little lost in certain situations and need a helping hand or just someone to say, you're doing a great job or maybe that firm favourite pull your big girls pants on and deal with it 1
Redhead14 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 It is something we have discussed to attend together,separately or both, we both want to work this out even though it's unchartered territory for us. Thank you all for your advice, sometimes you get a little lost in certain situations and need a helping hand or just someone to say, you're doing a great job or maybe that firm favourite pull your big girls pants on and deal with it �� Everyone needs a little positive reinforcement, including you
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