Past denial, anger, acceptance...is this next one normal? I hope I'm not regressing.

[ZiggyZoo]

Like it says, I'm at a place in my breakup recovery that I've never been to before. My other big heartbreak went denial, anger, acceptance, then apathy. This one is different, and I hope I'm not still in denial or something. I'm just so sick of working through all this crap. I want to be done with it, you know?

 

OK, so I'm past denial and anger, and I thought I was done. I've accepted the end of the relationship, and realized that it was necessary as it was unhealthy for me anyway. The last few days, I've been poking around with letting go of the last bit of bad feelings I had towards my ex. I'm just tired of carrying them around. I finally got to where I didn't forgive him exactly, more like gave him my understanding that he didn't intend to hurt me like he did. What he did was wrong and I didn't deserve, but I know things about his past that have helped me see why he acted how he did, and so made the choice to let go of the remaining hurt that I was feeling. This is for me, and I have no intention of contacting him...

 

Now though, I've been crying for the last two days, just flat out missing him. We were friends before, and I miss his voice and his smile, and just hanging out. I don't fantasize about getting back together romantically, but would love to see him again. My question is, is this regressing to denial and wanting to get back together, or is it a normal thing? I've never experienced it before, and would love some input.

[lumberjac]

not sure if I should reply since I've only been on here a short while and Ziggy you seems to be an experienced member with good advices, and I'm just a newbie

 

I think its probably cause you still have some feelings for him deep in your heart, and you are having one of those bad days when your mind is playing "tricks" to you? I'm sure you two shared some good times and memories together so you will never forget him completely, and your mind just happened to dig out all the good bits and made you upset.

 

I'm guessing you two broke on good terms? or at least you do agree, and tell yourself that the breakup is good for both sides. Reason I'm saying this is because sometimes I have the same feelings youre having towards my ex. We were great together, then one day we broke up, in good terms. I've not spoke to her since and its been 2 months now. But some days I would feel down, feel like I lost a great pal in life. though I guess what happened is in the past so I shouldnt get upset by that.

 

Not exactly giving you advice or answer but hope my input help you a bit!

[wantnotshould]

How long has it been? You are doing all the steps right, but you can't force yourself to move on. It has to just happen. Your brain is trying to keep you happy therefore screwing you over. I heard you can go through the stages multiple times depending on how attached you are.

 

Don't freak out. Work on yourself. You'll get there.

 

I'm a newb too, so not sure how much I can help. I still want to try .

[ZiggyZoo]

You guys are awesome! We're all newbies on here at some time, and I really appreciate your advice. It's easy to help other people, but not so much yourself.

 

We didn't split on good terms. We didn't split on ANY terms, really. He ignored me all of November and dumped me in the beginning of December in a FB message. I went NC immediately afterwards, since I had learned from the past that this is the best and quickest way to get over someone. And even though I didn't want to get over him, I knew that I had to, this relationship wasn't working. So there's that. But I'm not angry at him, like I said. It's happened and I can't change it.

 

And I think you're absolutely right, wantnotshould. I think I'm trying to force my acceptance and should just let it happen. I remember this from when my mom died, just out of nowhere being really sad. Probably just the same here. I also know I can tend to overthink things sometimes, and may be doing it now.

 

Plus, there's the not-so-small fact that I'm 29 weeks pregnant by him and am reminded constantly of this big part of him that will always be with me. I plan on breaking NC one final time, when the baby's born, and I think I'm pushing myself to be as over him as possible so it'll sting less if he doesn't respond.

[goldway90]

I know you are hurt by what he did, you didn't deserve that and it wasn't your fault. What you're feeling now is perfectly normal considering the history you shared with him. Remember crying isn't a sign of weakness it means you are human and sometimes feelings and emotions get the best of you which is okay. You gotta understand that one day you'll look back at this and you'll see how strong you are, you can do it with him or without him. You should be proud of yourself, you deserve the best and don't settle for anything less. Forward is your goal now, don't look back.

 

You should listen to Demi Lovato - Warrior. Wish you the best

[Strength in Healing]

One of the greatest misconceptions in our field (psychology) is that the stages of grief are typical or in that order. Typically people will not experience the stages of grief at all in that order, nor was it ever meant to be assumed that there is an order at all. The creators of the stages of grief have stated it was never meant to be taken as literal steps.

 

That being said, you're doing just fine. If you are not contacting the person then everything you are doing is exactly how you're supposed to do it. Our brains process things as good days and bad.

[ZiggyZoo]

I think I'm just paranoid because I broke NC deliberately once (after my ultrasound) and I thought I was fine with everything. Turns out, it set me back quite a bit when he didn't answer and I think I'm just worried that I'm fooling myself again. Like I said, I'm an over thinker at times, and this is one of them, it would seem.

 

Thanks for the responses, guys, it helps to get reinforcement that I'm trucking along just fine. I'll just chalk all this up to a bad day and not worry about it.

[Poppyolive]

So, its only been a few months. Take it easy on yourself. I am over a year no contact and still work throat thoughts & feelings. The stages are there to show us what we're feeling. They don't flow in order, but hover over, back and forth. Just remember, each new thought, feeling & process, is in fact, a new layer. Not an old one. Not digressing. Something needed to move forward. It sucks, but go easy on yourself.

[Strength in Healing]

Ziggy, the way the brain works is akin to a roller coaster. Some days you will wake up feeling great, other days you'll have a dream and wake up miserable, pondering why fate has dealt you such a cold card by forcing you to have a dream about them.

 

In reality, our brain dreaming in this way is actually its healing process. We are actually getting stronger and over the person the more we dream about them, as strange as that is.

 

In time, you'll notice the roller coaster becomes more straight with less loops and bumps. What this means is, you will start to find that the good days are more than the bad, and it will continue on this path until the bad is more or less neutral.

[ZiggyZoo]

Thank you again to everyone for the input. I tend to overthink things, and luckily stumbled onto a therapist who has taught me to harness this and use it to my advantage. But sometimes I just get stuck. Knowing that this is to be expected is a huge weight off. I think it's new because my only other big break-up (where I got dumped anyway) was due to his infidelity and I had such dislike towards him for so long, I didn't hit the "OK with it all" stage until way past the point where I would miss him. So I didn't have any good feellings nearly so soon. I'm just going to let my feelings be, cry a little, and be glad that I'm where I am with it all.