maysj18 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I need some advice on my relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. We have a blast together- he is literally my best friend; however, I don't see him as my lifetime partner. We lived in a small town in a rural state with not much to do or a lot of people, so I feel that us being together during that time was a very good thing. It gave us something to look forward to and it was so nice to have each other. He's been in school the whole time and I graduated college in 2013 and was working to establish myself in my career. Neither of us ever planned on staying in that town, it was just where our family was and we both had to finish college. With that being said, I always knew that in the near future, we would likely go our separate ways because we always agreed that at our age it was important to make a life for ourselves individually. If we ended up in the same place by accident, cool, but I hate the idea of a 20 something year old arranging their life just to be with someone. ANYWAYS, I landed my dream job in January of this past year and moved two hours away. It's been the best decision, ever. I love it here! I'm so happy, my roommate is amazing, and so is my job. My boyfriend is still finishing up school (RN) and has been looking to come down here once he graduates. He talks casually about moving in together, but it's never anything "serious". We don't browse apartments or anything. I'm usually able to change the subject pretty quick and painlessly and he hasn't picked up on what I'm doing yet. You probably guessed that I don't want to move in together and you're absolutely right. Now onto the important things.. I don't see him as my life partner for two BIG reasons: 1) he doesn't want to get married (his comments are never directed at me, just in general), and 2) his religious views (atheism) completely contradict my own and he can be rather rude about it. We never talk religion, but he takes low blows in the form of telling me Jesus jokes and then saying 'Oh, right..I forgot you don't like that' or something along those lines. I NEVER, ever bring up his atheism. I keep my mouth zipped, even when he's wrong about historic facts or something. He KNOWS I get upset when we pokes fun at it but he says that I'm 'sensoring' him by asking him to stop. That's something I could never live with. I not only want to share that part of myself with someone, but I also don't want to be disrespected. But yeah, those are the two big problems we have and why I never saw a future with him. We also don't have much chemistry in the sack. Don't get me wrong- I am extremely turned on by him and he does good work, but he lacks the passion that I crave. Like, I want to be pushed up against the wall sometimes just out of pure lust. I always want to experiment with handcuffs and other things, but he's not into it. That's okay though! I'm not mad at him for it, he's just different than me. We're so comfortable with each other that sex is so easy, which is nice sometimes, but it lacks flavor. I talk to him about it all the time and it's just never going to change. Chemistry on that level needs to be natural and I would hate for him to feel awkward. Okay, so there are the issues. Now, onto my question. When I moved here, I knew this would be the time we drifted apart. Or at least, I would drift away. We talked about it a bit before I left, but it wasn't a huge conversation. I'm only 2-3 hours away at most so it's not super long distance, but it's far enough away to where we are going to form more separate lives. I think this is good! I will always adore him- he is hilarious and adorable and never, ever, ever made me feel jealous or insecure. Like I said, he's my best friend. But, I'm ready to move on and to find that love that I don't get from him because of our differences. I have enough experience to know what's out there and I will NOT be jumping in a relationship anytime soon, but there's just no reason to continue something that's just not working. My big conundrum though is that he's still in RN school and graduates in May- I almost feel like I owe it to him to stay in his life and not rock the boat until graduation. If he had done anything blatantly wrong it'd be different, but I just don't want to upset him during this hard semester. I know he'll be okay and that he's an adult, but I care about him and his well-being and would do anything I could for him. I also care about me and think I need to be fair to myself as well, and not to mention I would hate for him to get a job here thinking we were going to be together. I just don't know :/ So LoveShack, what should I do? I'm sure I'm not thinking clearly on this due to my emotional attachment to him, so please help me out. Edited March 24, 2015 by maysj18 1
Toodaloo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Why are you asking us? You have already made your decision haven't you... Good luck. 3
Author maysj18 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Why are you asking us? You have already made your decision haven't you... Good luck. No, I haven't- lol. We are breaking up, but when? That's the biggest question. Which of the two options would you support? 1
Toodaloo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 If your breaking up - then break it up. Just get on with it and stop faffing about or it will get more painful and harder to do. You have made your decision, now you just have to do it. It will be horrid. You will feel terrible. You will feel lost and heart broken. He will feel the same but the sooner you do it the sooner you can both start to heal. Quit messing about and get on with it. Don't make him move for a girl who doesn't love him and just likes him. Thats not fair. 3
hudson701 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Echo the comment above. This is going to destroy him. You know that old wisdom that when a woman is about to dump a man they have thought long and hard about it (i.e checking out) before they actually do the dumping? Well that's what you're about to do- he will be completely blindsided. If he has any self-respect he will follow the tried and tested advice on here which is 'strict NC, absolutely no friendship whatsoever etc etc'. In other words expect to lose him for good- do not keep him around for your own ego preservation, it is utterly selfish. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Wow.. First I just have to say that Mays, you're an extremely beautiful woman. The single world's gain getting you back blondie But I agree that if you've decided to break up with him, all the pondering and hesitating won't make it any easier. In fact, it will just make you feel worse and worse as time goes on. So if you've made up your mind, you just need to pull off the band-aid and get it over with ASAP. 1
Author maysj18 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Alright- I guess that's that. I hate that it comes off as selfish. Maybe it is, but I just hate to think of him being upset WHILE being in school. I went through a really hard year in college and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through (not relationship related)- I just know how hard it is to focus on something so important when you're upset. That's all. But I will talk to him about it soon. Very soon. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Alright- I guess that's that. I hate that it comes off as selfish. Maybe it is, but I just hate to think of him being upset WHILE being in school. I went through a really hard year in college and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through (not relationship related)- I just know how hard it is to focus on something so important when you're upset. That's all. But I will talk to him about it soon. Very soon. At the moment you are like a cat toying with a mouse before the cat eats it. What you are doing now is far more cruel. Let him go. Let him heal. Do it asap. Preferably face to face but at least over the phone. No messaging rubbish or texting. He is going to be upset. There is never a "good" time. You just have to pluck up the balls and do it. if you care about him at all you will do it sooner rather than later. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 No, I haven't- lol. We are breaking up, but when? That's the biggest question. Which of the two options would you support? Let me put it to you like this... while you are still dating Mr. Blah, you are not looking for Mr. Right. You are pretty and have a career going... are you afraid of being single? Are you afraid of hurting Mr. Blah's feelings? What is holding you back here? 2
Author maysj18 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Let me put it to you like this... while you are still dating Mr. Blah, you are not looking for Mr. Right. You are pretty and have a career going... are you afraid of being single? Are you afraid of hurting Mr. Blah's feelings? What is holding you back here? I'm absolutely afraid of hurting Mr. Blah. I care about him immensely. It has nothing to do with being alone. He's been my only relationship, ever, so being single is a walk in the park for me. We actually haven't seen each other in nearly 3 weeks. As I said above, I just know the struggle of going through a hard time emotionally while trying to study. It might sound ridiculous, but the hardest thing I've ever done was going through something hard while trying to complete my chemistry degree- the pressure was crazy, the material was hard, and it stressed me to the max. I just hate picturing him, or anyone, in that same situation. But I realize that it is just stringing him along and it isn't fair to anyone. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I'm absolutely afraid of hurting Mr. Blah. I care about him immensely. It has nothing to do with being alone. He's been my only relationship, ever, so being single is a walk in the park for me. We actually haven't seen each other in nearly 3 weeks. As I said above, I just know the struggle of going through a hard time emotionally while trying to study. It might sound ridiculous, but the hardest thing I've ever done was going through something hard while trying to complete my chemistry degree- the pressure was crazy, the material was hard, and it stressed me to the max. I just hate picturing him, or anyone, in that same situation. But I realize that it is just stringing him along and it isn't fair to anyone. Disagree. Dump him between quarters! After the initial shock he will get his head straight and do better than before in the next round of classes. My grades always went up while single. It allowed me to focus. I did Bio Research with a minor in Chem. He is doing nursing... which is WAY easier. Let me put it to you like this.... either hurt him now or hurt him worse later! At least right now he is surrounded by cute nursing students. Sure they probably don't hold a candle to you, but that's exactly why you need to take yourself out the of the equation. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 You've been together for 3 years and he graduates in 2 months? I agree it would be much kinder to wait until after graduation and coast until then. We're talking maybe 6-8 weeks here. After 3 years, that's a drop in the bucket. It won't affect either of your lives for the worse to stick around till then, and it will probably go a long way to minimize the heartache and chaos. You can start to ease him into the breakup, but I think it would be unfair to drop the bomb of a breakup when he's just a few paces from the end of a long race. Cheer him on till the end, then after he crosses the college finish line, say your good-byes. At your age, in these circumstances, this is what I would do. 1
preraph Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 It's not going to destroy him. He's young and will start dating around and get over it. You need to tell him asap that him moving in with you is OFF the table. Tell him you like your present arrangement and having the independence. If you have to break up with him to keep him from moving to your new town, then break up with him now so he can start making other plans. You're young. It's time to date around. Good luck. 1
hudson701 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 It's not going to destroy him. He's young and will start dating around and get over it. You need to tell him asap that him moving in with you is OFF the table. Tell him you like your present arrangement and having the independence. If you have to break up with him to keep him from moving to your new town, then break up with him now so he can start making other plans. You're young. It's time to sleep around. Good luck. Corrected that for you. My ex gf-just-finished-uni excuse did exactly the same thing, then tried the good old 'let's be friends' rejection after it. Unsurprisingly I declined and that was 3 years ago. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm absolutely afraid of hurting Mr. Blah. I care about him immensely. It has nothing to do with being alone. He's been my only relationship, ever, so being single is a walk in the park for me. We actually haven't seen each other in nearly 3 weeks. As I said above, I just know the struggle of going through a hard time emotionally while trying to study. It might sound ridiculous, but the hardest thing I've ever done was going through something hard while trying to complete my chemistry degree- the pressure was crazy, the material was hard, and it stressed me to the max. I just hate picturing him, or anyone, in that same situation. But I realize that it is just stringing him along and it isn't fair to anyone. What ever you do it needs to be done before it goes further. This may sound daft but actually if you haven't seen each other for a few weeks it may well be easier for him than you think. He is used to you not being there already. When you do it - it will hurt. But life does go on. Your both young.
Redhead14 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Hi all, I need some advice on my relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. We have a blast together- he is literally my best friend; however, I don't see him as my lifetime partner. We lived in a small town in a rural state with not much to do or a lot of people, so I feel that us being together during that time was a very good thing. It gave us something to look forward to and it was so nice to have each other. He's been in school the whole time and I graduated college in 2013 and was working to establish myself in my career. Neither of us ever planned on staying in that town, it was just where our family was and we both had to finish college. With that being said, I always knew that in the near future, we would likely go our separate ways because we always agreed that at our age it was important to make a life for ourselves individually. If we ended up in the same place by accident, cool, but I hate the idea of a 20 something year old arranging their life just to be with someone. ANYWAYS, I landed my dream job in January of this past year and moved two hours away. It's been the best decision, ever. I love it here! I'm so happy, my roommate is amazing, and so is my job. My boyfriend is still finishing up school (RN) and has been looking to come down here once he graduates. He talks casually about moving in together, but it's never anything "serious". We don't browse apartments or anything. I'm usually able to change the subject pretty quick and painlessly and he hasn't picked up on what I'm doing yet. You probably guessed that I don't want to move in together and you're absolutely right. Now onto the important things.. I don't see him as my life partner for two BIG reasons: 1) he doesn't want to get married (his comments are never directed at me, just in general), and 2) his religious views (atheism) completely contradict my own and he can be rather rude about it. We never talk religion, but he takes low blows in the form of telling me Jesus jokes and then saying 'Oh, right..I forgot you don't like that' or something along those lines. I NEVER, ever bring up his atheism. I keep my mouth zipped, even when he's wrong about historic facts or something. He KNOWS I get upset when we pokes fun at it but he says that I'm 'sensoring' him by asking him to stop. That's something I could never live with. I not only want to share that part of myself with someone, but I also don't want to be disrespected. But yeah, those are the two big problems we have and why I never saw a future with him. We also don't have much chemistry in the sack. Don't get me wrong- I am extremely turned on by him and he does good work, but he lacks the passion that I crave. Like, I want to be pushed up against the wall sometimes just out of pure lust. I always want to experiment with handcuffs and other things, but he's not into it. That's okay though! I'm not mad at him for it, he's just different than me. We're so comfortable with each other that sex is so easy, which is nice sometimes, but it lacks flavor. I talk to him about it all the time and it's just never going to change. Chemistry on that level needs to be natural and I would hate for him to feel awkward. Okay, so there are the issues. Now, onto my question. When I moved here, I knew this would be the time we drifted apart. Or at least, I would drift away. We talked about it a bit before I left, but it wasn't a huge conversation. I'm only 2-3 hours away at most so it's not super long distance, but it's far enough away to where we are going to form more separate lives. I think this is good! I will always adore him- he is hilarious and adorable and never, ever, ever made me feel jealous or insecure. Like I said, he's my best friend. But, I'm ready to move on and to find that love that I don't get from him because of our differences. I have enough experience to know what's out there and I will NOT be jumping in a relationship anytime soon, but there's just no reason to continue something that's just not working. My big conundrum though is that he's still in RN school and graduates in May- I almost feel like I owe it to him to stay in his life and not rock the boat until graduation. If he had done anything blatantly wrong it'd be different, but I just don't want to upset him during this hard semester. I know he'll be okay and that he's an adult, but I care about him and his well-being and would do anything I could for him. I also care about me and think I need to be fair to myself as well, and not to mention I would hate for him to get a job here thinking we were going to be together. I just don't know :/ So LoveShack, what should I do? I'm sure I'm not thinking clearly on this due to my emotional attachment to him, so please help me out. "I'm ready to move on and to find that love that I don't get from him " You are thinking clearly and you don't have an emotional attachment to him. You are worried about his emotional attachment to you. That's for him to deal with not you.
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