NC-Thomas Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) Dear LS, not sure what to do here: After my ex-GF broke up with me 1 month ago over the phone, i went NC (except social media). Today I got an email from her, 5 days after I blocked her on FB and whats-app (the irony! Guess she didn't like that) It goes like: "Hi Thomas, I tried to message you but I guess you blocked me everywhere... I'm sorry for not being in touch with you lately, but I had to make some space for myself and I didn't have the guts to contact you. For me nothing has changed after our last call, I still care about you, but too much sh-it has happened between us to go on. Sorry. Im also hurt by this How are you doing now? And how is your dad? Cya *name*" My dad has stage 4 long-cancer and she left me when things went bad a month ago. That really hurt me. The last time we spoke I just called her to see how she was after having small surgery. She then broke with me on the phone. Yea, that was quite shallow. I will see her at some parties the coming weeks with mutual friends. Ignoring her message will make it awkward to see her? On the other hand I feel in control and powerful by ignoring her message. She has given me power by contacting me and the longer I ignore it the more power I get, is that right? I'm not sure what to do here. I know she doesn't care for me. I guess I need to hear it from LS before i truly believe it. Oh she still has some small stuff here, but she didn't ask for it in the email. I would probably have replied her email if she had asked for her stuff in a direct manner. Edited March 24, 2015 by NC-Thomas
Jonp219 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Dear LS, not sure what to do here: After my ex-GF broke up with me 1 month ago over the phone, i went NC (except social media). Today I got an email from her, 5 days after I blocked her on FB and whats-app (the irony! Guess she didn't like that) It goes like: My dad has stage 4 long-cancer and she left me when things went bad a month ago. That really hurt me. The last time we spoke I just called her to see how she was after having small surgery. She then broke with me on the phone. Yea that hurt. I will see her at some parties the coming weeks with mutual friends. Ignoring her message will make it awkward to see her? On the other hand I feel in control and powerful by ignoring her message. She has given me power by contacting me and the longer I ignore it the more power I get, is that right? I'm not sure what to do here. I know she doesn't care for me. I guess I need to hear it from LS before i truly believe it. Oh she still has some small stuff here, but she didn't ask for it in the email. I would probably have replied her email if she had asked for her stuff in a direct manner. For me nothing has changed after our last call' date=' I still care about you, but too much sh-it has happened between us to go on.[/quote'] ^^ This is all you need to know. Don't answer man.
mightycpa Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I'm not sure what to do here. I know she doesn't care for me. Or, stated another way, I know she doesn't care for me, but I'm not sure what to do here. Really? It is so much easier to give advice than to walk the walk, amirite? You do know what to do. The difficult thing. It's not about "power". You don't have that, as is clearly evidenced by your words here today. It is about getting yourself to a point where you don't mind being without her anymore. That's not really "power" either. That's just independence. I'm not sure how you let an email get through, but you need to fix that.
FancyFace Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Don't respond. We can never know what is going on in another persons head but I would bet good money that she is simply trying to quell her guilt at leaving you at such a time in your life and/or make sure you are not "mad" at her so she can feel better about being a crappy person. By responding, then she knows she has still got you on a leash and when the doggy doesnt behave, all she has to do is pull on the chain to remind you to fall back in line. Also, dont worry about the parties. The most you should do there is greet and keep it moving. Simple. 2
Author NC-Thomas Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) It is so much easier to give advice than to walk the walk, amirite? You do know what to do. The difficult thing. It's not about "power". You don't have that, as is clearly evidenced by your words here today. It is about getting yourself to a point where you don't mind being without her anymore. That's not really "power" either. That's just independence. I'm not sure how you let an email get through, but you need to fix that. Well basically there are just two things im in doubt of: 1. I am in doubt whether to reply and say "go come get your stuff" or sent nothing at all. 2.How to act when I see her in 2 weeks at some party after ignoring this email. She will probably go ape-**** because I ignored her... not sure how to deal with this. And yes mightycpa, you are right. I am eager to help other people on this forum, but implementing and doing that same things for yourself can be quite a task Edited March 24, 2015 by NC-Thomas
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 1. I am in doubt whether to reply and say "go come get your stuff" or sent nothing at all. What stuff? 2.How to act when I see her in 2 weeks at some party after ignoring this email. She will probably go ape-**** because I ignored her... not sure how to deal with this. The same way you would do if a random stranger went ape-**** at you at a party. Who cares what she thinks? She ended it, right? She doesn't have any right to demand that you answer emails. If she complains that you ignore her, then you just say well you dumped me. Goodbye. 2
mightycpa Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 1) just have some mutual pal of yours, say, Mr. Party Host, bring the stuff back to her. That's too easy to worry about. 2) I'd say that in your state of mind, you should probably skip the party. But if you really feel intent on going, you should practice the gentle put-off: Oh, hey. Wait right here, I'll be right back. Then, of course, you don't come back. Hi. Can you excuse us for a second? We're discussing something private. Then you turn your back and motion her off with a hand gesture. I'm not sure why you keep coming back to talk to me. Isn't it clear that I don't want anything to do with you? Just leave me alone.Stuff like that. And if she really does go ape-****, let her. It's not your problem. All you have to do is turn and walk away. She's the one who'll look like an idiot. But my guess is that if you brush her off a couple of times, she'll leave you alone. 2
writergal Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Well basically there are just two things im in doubt of: 1. I am in doubt whether to reply and say "go come get your stuff" or sent nothing at all. 2.How to act when I see her in 2 weeks at some party after ignoring this email. She will probably go ape-**** because I ignored her... not sure how to deal with this. And yes mightycpa, you are right. I am eager to help other people on this forum, but implementing and doing that same things for yourself can be quite a task If her "stuff" consists of makeup, toothbrush, etc. just toss it. But if it's furniture or clothing, just send her a quick email "Do you want your [stuff]? I'll be free [specify a date and time so you have control of the day/time she comes over]." My last breakup, I threw out all his stuff. But that's just me. I treated his stuff like the lost and found: you don't claim it, I toss it. You act like yourself if you ever run into her again. If she overreacts that's on her, not you. My father used to say, the calmer you are around a hysterical person, the quicker you diffuse them. If she does overreact, it's because she wants attention. Some people crave attention, whether it's negative or positive, they are like parasites and feed off of it at the other person's expense. Don't feed her attention. Just remain calm and do nothing. Do not react to her. If your non-reaction fuels her overreaction don't worry, she will run out of steam and ruin her own reputation by her own accord. And you will come out unscathed by remaining calm and detached. 2
ZiggyZoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Man, I'm sorry about your dad. Sending you some good vibes and a big hug. I can't imagine how tough it must be, dealing with all your dad's medical stuff and a break-up. And now the emotional upheaval from this contact...this is a sh*tty time for you, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But I'm with everyone else, don't respond. And if she flips out at the party, it'll just give you yet another reason to be glad you're not involved with her anymore. Hang in there, be strong. 2
Jonp219 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry about your dad man. Back in 2009 I was going through a break-up while my grandfather had a month to live, my parents were going through a divorce, and I was flunking out of school. On top of that me, my aunt, and father had a huge fallout that lead to many other problems. It was the only time in my life I felt like killing myself, so I can empathize with your pain, it's not easy. Edited March 24, 2015 by Jonp219
Satu Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 *The only kind of power that's worth anything is power over oneself.* Do NC properly. Block social media, and any other means of communication you've left open to her, and you'll make real progress. All the best, Satu 1
OneBigIdgit Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 prayers going out for your Dad. Is there any way that she knows that the email went through? The easiest thing would be for her to think she is blocked there if you don't reply. If you want to get back with her, I'd reply with a very bland but polite, very short reply. She asked 2 questions that would require a reply if you 2 weren't exes, just friends. How's your Dad and how are you. If you tell her how your Dad is, she will send another email, sending sympathy. That's the one that I wouldn't reply to. I would totally ignore the question about how are you. That is none of her bizness at this point. Then go back to very strict no contact. If she builds a bad case of missing you then her mind will build up images of what you are doing and will send her scurrying to get a reply and make some form of contact with you.
marcelo.santos Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I'm very sorry about you dad! regarding your case, she is on a "Guilty fase" - she don't know how to handle the situation. She is guilty as she decided to left you on a so hard occasion. She is interested in make you feel better but she is absolutely not interested in you. I suggest you that you do not reply her message: I know that this is though to do, but I think that she will understand what is going on or she will think that you have blocked her on mail too and never got her message. Don't worry! She will understand your radio off - in the future if she changes her mind about both of you she will find you. But try to live without expecting a new mail or contact from her - looking her message makes me feel that she will never get back to you as she looks really determined of moving on - sorry about that.. She looks a nice girl - but I'm sure that you will find a better one for you! Consider also blocking her mail.. this is hard but will help you even more to heal yourself.
marcelo.santos Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 1. I am in doubt whether to reply and say "go come get your stuff" or sent nothing at all. give her stuff to a friend and ask him to delivery, or send her stuff to her home address by mail without a note. 2.How to act when I see her in 2 weeks at some party after ignoring this email. She will probably go ape-**** because I ignored her... not sure how to deal with this. Dont go to a party/place that have a 10% or more probability to her be there. Why do you need to go to this party? It is so good that will freeze your life for 2 weeks waiting to see her? Do you want to risk seeing her kissing another man or she making clear again face to face that she dont want to be with you? Dont go to any of these parties. C'mon NC-Thomas! I use to see a lot of your answers here - you are smart... you know what to do! Go full NC man and move on! 1
irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Wow that's the most insensitive breadcrumb I've read so far. Wow. And I've read some so far... I'd say: tell her to F.uck herself. The end 1
Author NC-Thomas Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the support all, it really helps to get the right perspective. I'm going to that party anyway because I refuse to put my life on hold for her. I've made that mindset where I choose not to let her dictate when and where I should go. I refuse to give up my friends for her. She already took enough from me. I know for 100% she is going, we both got tickets from a mutual friend. Already paid for. I guess I will just say 'hello' and then go hang out with my friend the rest of the night. Or maybe just ignore her completely. I just hope I don't lose my control, because I would really like to punch her in the face right now. I just re-read her email, and until now I didn't even realize how hurtful and selfish it actually is. It's like running over someone's dog right in from of them and checking if you car is OK. Seems like it all about her needs. I don't think she even cares for me, or my dad for that matter. How dare she talk about him. The stuff is just some make-up and clothes. I hid it in my garage somewhere out of sight. She doesn't know I read her email, I will try to block it. Edited March 24, 2015 by NC-Thomas 1
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