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Why would he change his behavior after he told me this?


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Posted
I'm desperate, and I mean desperate to log into adult friend finder.

I'm desperate to have some kind of connection with him tonight.

I can't stand the pain

 

He left me again and i can't stand the pain. I've drunk 2 glasses of wine and I want to go online adult friend finder. I want to stalk him on pof. I want to see what he's up to, but I know I won't get an answer there. Still, I have this tremendous urge. I need to

 

I'm in pain.

Oh that's the power of trauma bonding, You have to fight this urge really. If you have other friends call them and talk to them. I know it's hard and i'm so sorry you're having pain but You can do it. Come here vent and write whatever you feel, we're not gonna judge you, after all we are here to support you through this.

Posted

Emotional abuse is hard to overcome, i know you guys are telling her she's an adult and to stop thinking about it but it's not that easy, she's can't help it.Unavailable men, narcissists or sociopath create this huge bond with their victims and since it's not a normal bond ( silent treatment, lies) it's not that easy to break.

To OP i think drinking isn't the best at this point, alcohol was never a solution and it will make things worse. Have you thought about professional help? i'm being serious here that's the only way to break free cause the moment he messages you or you see him you will talk to him, that means you're back to him ( he'll charm you with some lies then you think oh he changed, i was wrong for doubting him, this time i'm gonna be with him forever) i'm sorry these kind of men NEVER CHANGE.

Posted
Irresolute. I am going through the exact same thing as you. I am even wondering if we are dealing with the same guy as I am in California too. Went on Adult Friend Finder last night and there he was :(

Exact same behavior as well

 

 

Is his name John?

 

Oh.... This is gonna be interesting... :D

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Posted
Irresolute. I am going through the exact same thing as you. I am even wondering if we are dealing with the same guy as I am in California too. Went on Adult Friend Finder last night and there he was :(

Exact same behavior as well

 

 

Is his name John?

 

No it's not. With as many lies that have been told, I am starting to question if the name is a lie too.

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Posted

It's been a little while since I've posted on this site,

But I do remember you, and your situation despite,

Without insulting you or making you feel worse for wear,

The words that will come may be a bit stronger to bear.

 

You are in the same position you found yourself in before,

Coming to these forums hoping to find some magical score.

In fact, I think the reason you began posting here was because of this John,

And almost a full year later, you're still posting about this "bond".

 

Except there is no bond, its parasitic in nature and dysfunctional at best,

You crave attention and drama, and he provides just enough to pass the test.

Queue the cyclical nature of your relationship/breakup again,

And another year, and another year, and soon it will be ten.

 

Something I always say, and it's evident it's something you yearn,

love isn't reciprocal, it doesn't demand love in return.

To love someone truly, to want them to happy in the worst and the best,

And to be that source of happiness are two separate conquests.

 

Take emotion out of it, and act as though you're your own best friend.

Now take this situation pragmatically, even if it's hard to pretend.

A girl, chasing after a guy, who explicitly told her how he feels,

But blinded by passion, your best friend is in denial and keeps chasing his heels.

 

Do you know what your advice to your best friend would be?

Would you tell him/her to continue on this path undoubtedly?

Would you want her to be happy, and to move on from this pain?

Or see how miserable he/she is, then tell her to continue playing his game?

 

I remember how proud you were when you made the decision to move on,

I remember how enthusiastic you were making the decision to stop the wrong.

I remember reading your posts, and they actually made sense.

I could also tell from you posts that your spirit was, if only briefly, finally at rest.

 

This is not the same woman that I remember from then.

The person posting these posts isn't thinking rationally again.

In fact, you've even admitted to lying to most of these people who reply,

which is just a big slap in the face for those who legitimately tried.

 

I implore you to take a step back and find yourself again.

Be happy with the decision you make, then stick with it to the end.

Live this torturous and tumultuous relationship, if that's what you choose,

Or get back to being happy, and find someone who is a better for you.

 

I am not denying that what he may feel for you is his definition of love,

And I'm not disregarding that you say you love him just because,

In fact, I urge to accept that you DO love him, but also to ask:

Why can't you find someone who will love you the way you need it back?

 

There's many a people who have been in your shoes,

who have felt this exact same way, and dealt with it this way too.

But there are far more people who chose to make a change in the road ahead,

To move on from this chaos, and to spread altruism and serenity instead.

 

Love is unconditional. A relationship is not.

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Posted

DrReplyInRhymes: I remember you as well. How have you been? I really appreciate you took the time to write such an inspiring poem and in rhymes! wow, thank you. Yes, I get what your point is. Is it maybe that I like the chaos and the drama? Is it? I need to find peace.

 

Goldway90: your words are so true. It's an addiction. I've tried everything. Books, counseling, therapy, other men...everything. He once told me: we are each other's drug. for now, I'm not initiating any contact. I want to get strong just. but I'm so confused right now, my head is a mess. I'm taking this days to calm down, in hopes to see reality and walk away from him. I agree, it's toxic and devastates me. But heroin and cocaine too and people just can't walk away from one day to another from them.

 

Lovingme 35: I'm glad it's not the same guy. I hope you'll feel better.

Posted

I agree, it's toxic and devastates me. But heroin and cocaine too and people just can't walk away from one day to another from them.

 

 

Irresolute:

 

I have to reply, because this is not true.

I've walked away from both, and without rehab to boot.

I'm in a much better place in my life, happier as well,

It's not an impossible task, but rarely is anything worth working for is easy as hell.

  • Like 1
Posted

irresolute : Maybe you were not that honest with yourself when you tried everything as you say, sometimes when you are in denial and specially dealing with emotional abuse you may feel ashamed to share even with therapist, kinda scared of being judged. Which totally fine and understandable. Now that you know how bad you are hurt, isn't time to be true to yourself and start therapy again but open up more. It's not that impossible to heal from this, it's takes a lot work but i can see that you have that will in you to get your life back in track. You are hurt and bruised, your soul and heart are probably broken but believe me you can bounce back, you have the strength to do it.

There's one book that has some answers idk if you've heard of it called : Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men- Lundy Bancroft.

  • Author
Posted

Dear all, thank you. I'm taking s break from this thread. I'm living my life without Johnny for now and I want to enjoy the moments I'm not sad or crying. I need to stay present in the moment.

Posted

If you aren't a Love Addict, I don't know who is.

 

Please look into it.

 

Also, read "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person."

 

It helps get through the pain.

 

Apparently, romantic obsession is linked to low serotonin.

 

Maybe getting a brain scan from Amen Clinics could help.

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