irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I'm just curious to understand why someone would do this. Last Wednesday we had a discussion. He told me again he's not in love with me (the first time he told me this, he later regreted and told me he said that because he was testing me (?)). So, we had our discussion, he told me I'm waaay ahead on feelings, that he's scared of love, that I'm right it's his fault for hurting me, that he cares a lot about me, that he doesn't like letting me go... Between other things. Now, he never logged in again in dating sites. Why he changed his behavior? Am I THAT influential? He used to visit dating sites twice daily until the discussion and he knows I monitor his activity online. We've been no contact since the discussion, last Wednesday.
FancyFace Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 A week isnt all that long of a time to see whether a person has changed. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Honey - he is setting you up to be a booty call... Walk away from his one. I know it hurts but the drama is beginning already... 3
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 I know... I was wondering if he's avoiding me or what. Why he would stop with his activity otherwise?? To show me he's changed? Yes, one week it's a lot of time for someone like him.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 He could have very well met someone other than you and is changing his behavior for HER. I doubt it has anything to do with your influence at all. If he cared what you thought, he wouldn't be on the sites at all. Actually, now that I think of it, his behavior is worse than it seems...he knows you're monitoring him and he's STILL on the sites? So he knows he's hurting you, and doesn't stop? Think what tnat's saying to you, how much esteem he has for your feelings. You're better than that crap. He is good at piling on those cliches though. Looks like he didn't leave even one unsaid.
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 He could have very well met someone other than you and is changing his behavior for HER. I doubt it has anything to do with your influence at all. If he cared what you thought, he wouldn't be on the sites at all. Actually, now that I think of it, his behavior is worse than it seems...he knows you're monitoring him and he's STILL on the sites? So he knows he's hurting you, and doesn't stop? Think what tnat's saying to you, how much esteem he has for your feelings. You're better than that crap. He is good at piling on those cliches though. Looks like he didn't leave even one unsaid. Very interesting. I thought the same, like maybe our talk made him realize he should stop fooling around because he has other girlfriend. I found a Valentine's gift in his kitchen some weeks ago and he also tried to hide me once while walking one night on downtown. Maybe our discussion was a trigger. I remember he also said: I'm not meeting anyone because that adds to confusion. Yikes this sucks. Horribly sucks. I wish him to be unhappy for the rest of his poor life. I'm so f.ucking mad!!!
SycamoreCircle Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 OP, I have to believe that you knowingly involved yourself with a man who was hard to pin down and now you're having trouble pinning him down. This really needs to be about you. Why involve yourself with guys like this? Would you believe me if I told you that people have relationships where they don't monitor each other? Where there's no ongoing surveillance? I reiterate---this needs to be about you. 3
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 OP, I have to believe that you knowingly involved yourself with a man who was hard to pin down and now you're having trouble pinning him down. This really needs to be about you. Why involve yourself with guys like this? Would you believe me if I told you that people have relationships where they don't monitor each other? Where there's no ongoing surveillance? I reiterate---this needs to be about you. I'm just pissed off. He gave confusing messages all the time and now he disappeared. But ok. I guess he still wants me to think about him doing the disappearance act (or I'm going just crazy?)
haribogumsnickers Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Testing your feelings by saying he doesn't love you is ****ing ridiculous. Who tf does that? He's clearly someone you don't need to spend one more second of your life. Keep calm and carry on. 2
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Testing your feelings by saying he doesn't love you is ****ing ridiculous. Who tf does that? He's clearly someone you don't need to spend one more second of your life. Keep calm and carry on. Now that I read it really sounds horrible. But he probably did it because he's suffered so much in the past. I don't know. I'm just curious as to why he changed his behavior after our fight. Anything possible though.
d0nnivain Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I see dysfunction all the way around. Him "testing" you is a very bad. Sign. I'd run from that alone. You monitoring his OL activity is also a bad sign. You're not his mother. He's not a teenager you have to chaperon. I don't understand how either of you can be talking about love if you are still active on OLD. Become exclusive. Date for a while. Then talk about love, not before. Most importantly since he's telling you to back off & slow down on the "love" fail to heed his warning out your own peril. 2
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 I see dysfunction all the way around. Him "testing" you is a very bad. Sign. I'd run from that alone. You monitoring his OL activity is also a bad sign. You're not his mother. He's not a teenager you have to chaperon. I don't understand how either of you can be talking about love if you are still active on OLD. Become exclusive. Date for a while. Then talk about love, not before. Most importantly since he's telling you to back off & slow down on the "love" fail to heed his warning out your own peril. But he's also told me we were taking things slow. And that its not that he couldn't be in love with me, it's just that he's a mess. But ok. I don't understand this whole situation.
xxoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Now, he never logged in again in dating sites. Why he changed his behavior? Am I THAT influential? He used to visit dating sites twice daily until the discussion and he knows I monitor his activity online. He may be laying low because he's alarmed that you are monitoring his activity online. He's probably hoping that you'll grow bored and turn your attention elsewhere, and he can move on with his life.
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 That's probably it. But that means I have power over him, too.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 That's probably it. But that means I have power over him, too. You have no power in this situation. And you aren't in No Contact if you are monitoring his online activity. You need to stop that immediately. 2
ZiggyZoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 That's probably it. But that means I have power over him, too. What power? From what I've read, you haven't been able to make one decision in this relationship you're in. He's the one who decides when/if it moves forward (or not), he's the one who keeps his dating site profile up despite knowing that you don't like it, he's the one living his life and you're trying to figure him out. Sorry to be blunt, but what have you had power over? You can't even seem to control your OWN actions, much less his. 5
xxoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 That's probably it. But that means I have power over him, too. It may mean that you alarm him a little. He may think you're a bunny boiler (that's a reference from the 80s movie Fatal Attraction). 3
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 guys, I'm not a bunny boiler. I can be obsessive that's true. Then, if I have no power at all, why would he give up his online dating for me? I was thinking maybe he was dating another woman and after our fight he realized he doesn't want to date anyone but her, included myself, so he is not active for that reason. After all, when I told him if we should start dating others again, he replied:" I'm not dating anyone, it only adds confusion and I ask myself what the f.uck I'm doing" his exact words.
xxoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 guys, I'm not a bunny boiler. I can be obsessive that's true. Then, if I have no power at all, why would he give up his online dating for me? . He only needs to have warning signs that you might be a bunny boiler to get freaked out. What do you mean by give up his online dating for you? Even if it's because of you (in his perception) stalking him, it's not for you. It's to get rid of you. It removes the reward for checking up on him if there is nothing to see. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 guys, I'm not a bunny boiler. I can be obsessive that's true. Then, if I have no power at all, why would he give up his online dating for me? I was thinking maybe he was dating another woman and after our fight he realized he doesn't want to date anyone but her, included myself, so he is not active for that reason. After all, when I told him if we should start dating others again, he replied:" I'm not dating anyone, it only adds confusion and I ask myself what the f.uck I'm doing" his exact words. I'm going to repeat myself here, but cut it out with the online status stalking. Absolutely pointless. Honestly, there's a good chance he's going incognito because he knows you are tracking him like he has a GPS. That's not power, that's "whoa". 2
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 You know, I'm gonna see the glass half full here. And by this I mean, if he removed from the Internet after our fight on Wednesday and he hasn't made any attemp to contact me, that is a good sign after all. Because he's giving me the freedom to move on without actually holding me onto false promises or confusing messages. I gotta see the good side of all this. He removed himself (out of fear, whatever) because he wanted to end this for once. And this is good. I won't hold onto promises. He's been clear enough now.
goldway90 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 This just a big mess, he just saying things you want to hear you may think he changed but he didn't. You're going through this probably for a long time and you hadn't figured out that this guy is just playing with you. He didn't give up his online dating profile for you even if he says that. Tbh i think he enjoys it when you are going obsessive over him, he feels important and such then the moment you back down ( and you will) BAM he's back to his old habits, i bet he's doing this to other girls too. See when a man wants you and i mean wants you, he'll be with you only and will not play games. You know the best thing is to cut him off completely and move on, you deserve someone who cares about you, loves you and not confused and scared about it. This guys isn't worth your time, this relationship is toxic and dysfunctional.
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 This just a big mess, he just saying things you want to hear you may think he changed but he didn't. You're going through this probably for a long time and you hadn't figured out that this guy is just playing with you. He didn't give up his online dating profile for you even if he says that. Tbh i think he enjoys it when you are going obsessive over him, he feels important and such then the moment you back down ( and you will) BAM he's back to his old habits, i bet he's doing this to other girls too. See when a man wants you and i mean wants you, he'll be with you only and will not play games. You know the best thing is to cut him off completely and move on, you deserve someone who cares about you, loves you and not confused and scared about it. This guys isn't worth your time, this relationship is toxic and dysfunctional. Wow this is very revealing. I do think he likes me being crazy. He does it on purpose. He charms me, then when he got me, he runs. And I became obsessive and then he says: wow you're too ahead of me! I think it gives purpose to his poor life. Maybe he's doing this act of disappearance because he wants me to chase him and not because he's a normal, scarred of the freak girl guy. I don't know. Either way, this has gone too far.
goldway90 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Wow this is very revealing. I do think he likes me being crazy. He does it on purpose. He charms me, then when he got me, he runs. And I became obsessive and then he says: wow you're too ahead of me! I think it gives purpose to his poor life. Maybe he's doing this act of disappearance because he wants me to chase him and not because he's a normal, scarred of the freak girl guy. I don't know. Either way, this has gone too far. You see this type of men are just unavailable emotionaly, things like afraid of commintement, or i'm don't think i'm the right guy to be loved bla bla, he just playing with you the whole time. He enjoys it because you are wrapped around his fingers, you don't have any power over him, and you are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of love. I would recommend a book called Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue
Author irresolute Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 You see this type of men are just unavailable emotionaly, things like afraid of commintement, or i'm don't think i'm the right guy to be loved bla bla, he just playing with you the whole time. He enjoys it because you are wrapped around his fingers, you don't have any power over him, and you are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of love. I would recommend a book called Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue I already read it for a past relationship. Now I've tried to read it again but it's just too painful. I don't really want to think he's done all this on purpose. He can't be that evil of a person
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