Breaking Up Via Letter?

[Wait]

I've been in a fairly dysfunctional relationship for the better part of four years. It was soon after splitting with my ex that I found myself dating my current girlfriend. Early on I had made it clear that I did not want to pursue a serious relationship as I had just gotten out of a long-term one; however, she insisted and pushed nonstop for us to take things more seriously.

 

Long story short, we now live together - her in denial and me looking for a way out. We argue incessantly multiple times a week about the most trivial things. The differences between us are endless. I'm a Christian, she doesn't know what to believe. I'm a conservative, she's borderline liberal. I'm extremely close with my mother, she's jealous of it. The list goes on....

 

In my heart of hearts I know I need to break up with her and I have tried to in the past. The problem is that it's always been during a heated argument and we just chalk it up to the irrational anger we're feeling at the time.

 

I've put on quite a bit of weight in the four years we've been dating and my self-esteem is at an all time low. Sacrificing happiness for comfort has become the foundation of my existence. It's depressing, I'm depressed. This relationship is holding me down but I always find something about it to hold on to.

 

Would it be outrageous of me to write a letter and leave it where she can find it while I'm not home? Our arguments are so messy that honest communication is near impossible. She physically keeps me from leaving when I try, whether it's blocking the door or standing behind my car. She begs and pleads which causes the empath in me to cave and comfort her.

 

I feel like a letter is the only way. I'd leave it for her and go away for the week, let her gather her things, and find a place to stay.

Edited March 24, 2015 by Wait

[NopeNah]

Calligraphy with a wax seal....Do it!

 

Otherwise...man up and just tell her...if you leave a letter..wax seal!

[SycamoreCircle]

I've been in a fairly dysfunctional relationship for the better part of four years. It was soon after splitting with my ex that I found myself dating my current girlfriend. Early on I had made it clear that I did not want to pursue a serious relationship as I had just gotten out of a long-term one; however, she insisted and pushed nonstop for us to take things more seriously.

 

Long story short, we now live together - her in denial and me looking for a way out. We argue incessantly multiple times a week about the most trivial things. The differences between us are endless. I'm a Christian, she doesn't know what to believe. I'm a conservative, she's borderline liberal. I'm extremely close with my mother, she's jealous of it. The list goes on....

 

In my heart of hearts I know I need to break up with her and I have tried to in the past. The problem is that it's always been during a heated argument and we just chalk it up to the irrational anger we're feeling at the time.

 

I've put on quite a bit of weight in the four years we've been dating and my self-esteem is at an all time low. Sacrificing happiness for comfort has become the foundation of my existence. It's depressing, I'm depressed. This relationship is holding me down but I always find something about it to hold on to.

 

Would it be outrageous of me to write a letter and leave it where she can find it while I'm not home? Our arguments are so messy that honest communication is near impossible. She physically keeps me from leaving when I try, whether it's blocking the door or standing behind my car. She begs and pleads which causes the empath in me to cave and comfort her.

 

I feel like a letter is the only way. I'd leave it for her and go away for the week, let her gather her things, and find a place to stay.

OP, firstly---do not leave a Dear John letter. Part of the problem is you communicating what you need and being obedient to those needs. All of these so-called differences are extraneous. She insisted and pushed you into a relationship?! Hogwash. Own up to your part of this relationship. Own up to your dishonesty. You moved in with someone who coerced you into the relationship?! Listen, YOU are the problem.

 

Yes, you need to break up with her and it needs to be in person. This will be the first step in you working on your boundaries, developing your boundaries. It sounds as though you have a poorly developed sense of self and well-being. I would push you to find a new hobby, take a class, join a group, travel. Do not become involved with anyone. Be alone. Begin to reflect on your responsibility in the dysfunction of this relationship and I would suspect other relationships, romantic and platonic. Because it is there and it is glaring.

 

And when your girlfriend screams at you when you tell her, "It isn't you, it's me." Feel free to hold this post up as a voucher that yes, it is indeed you that is the problem. But guess what? You won't need to do that because you've taken the first step towards owning up to your choices, taking responsibility for your choices.

 

Good luck.

[Wait]

OP, firstly---do not leave a Dear John letter. Part of the problem is you communicating what you need and being obedient to those needs. All of these so-called differences are extraneous. She insisted and pushed you into a relationship?! Hogwash. Own up to your part of this relationship. Own up to your dishonesty. You moved in with someone who coerced you into the relationship?! Listen, YOU are the problem.

 

Yes, you need to break up with her and it needs to be in person. This will be the first step in you working on your boundaries, developing your boundaries. It sounds as though you have a poorly developed sense of self and well-being. I would push you to find a new hobby, take a class, join a group, travel. Do not become involved with anyone. Be alone. Begin to reflect on your responsibility in the dysfunction of this relationship and I would suspect other relationships, romantic and platonic. Because it is there and it is glaring.

 

And when your girlfriend screams at you when you tell her, "It isn't you, it's me." Feel free to hold this post up as a voucher that yes, it is indeed you that is the problem. But guess what? You won't need to do that because you've taken the first step towards owning up to your choices, taking responsibility for your choices.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't disagree with you. I've been a chronic monogamist since I was old enough to date. I'm dishonest to myself and to my SO which propels me into and endless cycle of self loathing and resentment. I'm a coward in a lot of ways. My inability to articulate my thoughts and emotions causes me to remain in unhealthy situations and relationships for much longer than necessary. I hide from myself and trick my mind into being comforted by false feelings.

 

 

I'm very much aware of my problems but for years I have been unable to overcome them. Say what you will but I firmly believe what's best for me is to end my current situation in a manner that allows me to easily transition into a period of my life where I can be by myself.

[SycamoreCircle]

Say what you will but I firmly believe what's best for me is to end my current situation in a manner that allows me to easily transition into a period of my life where I can be by myself.

I'm not sure what you mean by this statement. You write "in a manner that allows me to easily..." I hope that doesn't mean you're going to take the cowardly way out and leave a letter. Or a text. Or whatever.

 

Ask yourself what is the most distressing, painful way for me to end things with her? That is what you need to endure. You need to feel the pain of this. You need to let it hit you as hard as it will hit her. If you don't start owning up to the damage and pain you help create, you will continue to hide from others and yourself.

 

But I have great news for you. When you begin to be honest with yourself and honest with others, you no longer find yourself in intolerable, abusive situations. It simply can't happen. Why? Because you've put an end to it through your own determination. You've ended it before it even begins. People who don't know you start to recognize that there's a strong demarcation within you of self-respect, self-reliance and independence.

 

I applaud you for recognizing some of these issues in yourself. Continue on this path of self-awareness and mindfulness.

[mightycpa]

You're kidding yourself if you think that's going to work. You will come home on your tiptoes, and your heart will sink when you see that she's still there, waiting to have the next fight with you.

 

Get yourself a mirror, put it on the floor, and stand over top of it. Look down over that disgusting beer belly of yours and take a good look at your balls. I know they're still there, you've just let yourself go and you haven't seen them in a while. But they are still there, you just have to find them.

 

Once you do, march into that apartment, tell her that you guys are done and that one of you is going to move out. Don't let her flounder financially, if it costs more than she can afford, pitch in fairly.

 

Go get 'em champ!

[Zapbasket]

I'm dishonest to myself and to my SO which propels me into and endless cycle of self loathing and resentment. I'm a coward in a lot of ways.

 

So here's your opportunity to begin to break the cycle of self-loathing and resentment. Write a letter, continue the cycle. Face your feelings and be honest with this woman who obviously felt enough for you to move in with you, and you will show respect both for yourself and for her.

 

My uncle left his wife of over 30 years with a Dear John letter, and guess what? It killed her. Literally--she died very shortly after. Not having the balls to face life's challenges is terribly damaging to others, not only yourself. It's selfish and frankly just as despicable as if you were a lying, cheating, wife-beating, woman-hating a*shole. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Cowardice is just the inverse of outright aggression. I feel sorry for your girlfriend, because she clearly is shouldering the whole relationship--one you claim you don't even want; how fair is that?--and probably her rages toward you are a manifestation of her incredible frustration, confusion, and hurt that instead of a participating equal in a relationship she has a festering, resentful wimp. Instead of taking responsibility for yourself and what you want out of life, you blame her. And I guarantee you, she feels it. It's no wonder she's angry; I would be too, in her shoes. And if you top it all off with a letter because you don't have the integrity to face her and face up to the consequences of pursuing what you want out of life, you are worse than the worst arsehole.

 

to end my current situation in a manner that allows me to easily transition into a period of my life where I can be by myself.

 

And right here is the problem. Guess what? There are no such things as "easy transitions." Change hurts. Transitions hurt. Going after what you want hurts. Being awake hurts. Facing life hurts. But the alternative is that you may as well be dead. And the reward for sticking to your guns and taking responsibility for yourself is that you feel the pain, yes, but also the peace of self-respect and treating others, and yourself, as you deserve to be treated.

 

If you can't communicate with your partner, that's YOUR failing and YOUR problem. So get yourself a good therapist to learn effective ways of communicating your feelings. Make this investment in YOU.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I just don't feel sorry for you. Your post reeks of self-pity and victim-hood and it's disgusting. It's time you grew up and took responsibility for your life. Your self-loathing is your own damned fault and has very little to do with the woman you're with or anyone else. It's ALL. ON. YOU. So own it.

Edited March 24, 2015 by GreenCove

[ZiggyZoo]

Don't do it via letter. I can't give any better advice than you've already received, but the fact that you were with her for four years deserves a face-to-face breakup. Taking what you know to be the cowardly way out is only going to reinforce your already low self-esteem. Your four years together deserves more respect in its ending than just a letter. She does too.

[d0nnivain]

Would it be outrageous of me to write a letter and leave it where she can find it while I'm not home? Our arguments are so messy that honest communication is near impossible. She physically keeps me from leaving when I try, whether it's blocking the door or standing behind my car. She begs and pleads which causes the empath in me to cave and comfort her.

 

I feel like a letter is the only way. I'd leave it for her and go away for the week, let her gather her things, and find a place to stay.

 

 

I don't like the letter idea but based on your assertion that she physically prevents you from leaving I suppose it is a practical solution.

 

Before you leave it, you best be prepared to come home to a trashed house, so I would have my ducks in order. First remove valuables, especially things that can't be replaced like photos & heirlooms. Know whose name is on the lease & when you can get out without a financial hit. If possible, time this close to the end of the lease. I'd take photos of everything with that day's paper in some of the shots to verify when they were taken. I'd also return home with someone, just in case but let them know the situation in that if it's safe they can leave. If it's not, you have a witness.

 

I agree with whoever reminded you that she's not just going to read the letter & pack.

[Zapbasket]

I don't like the letter idea but based on your assertion that she physically prevents you from leaving I suppose it is a practical solution.

 

Before you leave it, you best be prepared to come home to a trashed house, so I would have my ducks in order. First remove valuables, especially things that can't be replaced like photos & heirlooms. Know whose name is on the lease & when you can get out without a financial hit. If possible, time this close to the end of the lease. I'd take photos of everything with that day's paper in some of the shots to verify when they were taken. I'd also return home with someone, just in case but let them know the situation in that if it's safe they can leave. If it's not, you have a witness.

 

I agree with whoever reminded you that she's not just going to read the letter & pack.

 

Yes, by all means do whatever you can to avoid the Big Bad Scary Girlfriend.

 

For heaven's sake, you have mentioned you've gained weight. Unless your girlfriend is a heavyweight champion with a torso thicker than a sequoia, I highly doubt she is bigger and stronger than you. If she ever blocked you from leaving before, it's not because she's a bully but because she wanted you to man the F up and have a conversation with her, stand your ground and be a bloody partner and not a deadweight, avoidant milquetoast. Nothing OP has written suggests she's going to trash his house--though frankly it wouldn't be undeserved if he breaks off their 4-year relationship with a letter.

 

Sh*t just gets crazier and crazier when people don't just up and take responsibility for themselves. Everyone has to pick up extra weight when a coward is around--extra responsibilities, extra emotional baggage, extra drama, or they make up drama to fill in the giant hole caused by someone who just takes up space in the world like an oaf and does nothing because they just want things to be "easy." OP, do the right thing, and poof! "Drama" disappears. Stop blaming this woman for your inability to take care of the most basic interpersonal issues.

 

I really hope to come back to this thread and hear that you finally acted with a little integrity. Godspeed.

Edited March 24, 2015 by GreenCove

[d0nnivain]

Yes, by all means do whatever you can to avoid the Big Bad Scary Girlfriend.

 

For heaven's sake, you have mentioned you've gained weight. Unless your girlfriend is a heavyweight champion with a torso thicker than a sequoia, I highly doubt she is bigger and stronger than you. If she ever blocked you from leaving before, it's not because she's a bully but because she wanted you to man the F up and have a conversation with her, stand your ground and be a bloody partner and not a deadweight, avoidant milquetoast. Nothing OP has written suggests she's going to trash his house--though frankly it wouldn't be undeserved if he breaks off their 4-year relationship with a letter.

 

While I think you are probably correct, that the OP is being overly dramatic about this, since we don't know any of them, if the OP genuinely thinks she is crazy / dangerous, he needs to minimize that possibility.

 

Yes, writing a letter is an immature wussy way to handle this & any woman receiving such a letter should recognize that the guy dumping her this way is not worth her tears but crazy people do dumb things & if the GF is blocking his exit as he tries to get past her I can easily see a scenario where she ends up calling the cops & accusing him of being the aggressor. Better safe then sorry.

 

If he doesn't have the stones to talk to her, what else is there? He can't very well stay in the relationship until she comes to her senses & dumps him.

[Wait]

Obviously a lot of my situation gets lost in translation via the internet; however, one thing I must make clear is my girlfriend's propensity to push me to my limits. Whether it be insulting remarks or physically keeping me from leaving my own home, she will not stop until I break.

 

It also really bothers me when people imply that just because we are bigger and stronger than our female counterparts that we should be able to escape any physically restraining situation.

 

Last time she blocked me from leaving I pushed her out of my way and she deliberately went plunging to the floor, subsequently fracturing her wrist. And before someone suggests I call the police next time, it's not that simple. For reasons beyond what I can explain here, having the police intervene is out of the question.

[NopeNah]

Obviously a lot of my situation gets lost in translation via the internet; however, one thing I must make clear is my girlfriend's propensity to push me to my limits. Whether it be insulting remarks or physically keeping me from leaving my own home, she will not stop until I break.

 

It also really bothers me when people imply that just because we are bigger and stronger than our female counterparts that we should be able to escape any physically restraining situation.

 

Last time she blocked me from leaving I pushed her out of my way and she deliberately went plunging to the floor, subsequently fracturing her wrist. And before someone suggests I call the police next time, it's not that simple. For reasons beyond what I can explain here, having the police intervene is out of the question.

 

Someone has warrants Kick her(not literally) out. Simple.

[rester]

Is this an abusive relationship of some sort? Maybe emotionally abusive? I'm just having a hard time understanding why you seem to be afraid of her and what you are afraid she is going to do. If you really do fear for your safety but you can't get law enforcement involved, can you have some friends waiting outside?

 

I do think a letter is outrageous. If you two are fighting so often she must realize the relationship is on the rocks. She deserves some discussion about your relationship concerns.

 

I also think you should be the one to leave unless she lives in your house, and if that's the case you're going to have to figure something else out. You can't expect someone to pack up and move in only a week.

[d0nnivain]

Last time she blocked me from leaving I pushed her out of my way and she deliberately went plunging to the floor, subsequently fracturing her wrist. And before someone suggests I call the police next time, it's not that simple. For reasons beyond what I can explain here, having the police intervene is out of the question.

 

 

 

 

You are very lucky she didn't call the police & charge you with domestic violence.

 

 

Your reasons for not wanting to involve the police are your own, but if the situation is as a bad as you say, writing her a letter isn't going to get her out of the house. If she's being physically obstructionist with you, you may not have another choice.

[Wait]

You are very lucky she didn't call the police & charge you with domestic violence.

 

 

Your reasons for not wanting to involve the police are your own, but if the situation is as a bad as you say, writing her a letter isn't going to get her out of the house. If she's being physically obstructionist with you, you may not have another choice.

 

 

I literally can't get the words out other than when we are fighting. Believe me, every morning I wake up in bed next to her and think "I'm just going to say it now"... it never happens.

 

Some people can just say what's on their mind and deal with the consequences. I'm not one of those people. Call me a coward. I'm constantly thinking many steps ahead and about the inevitable s%*t show that will follow.

 

I know just how it'll go... I'll tell her I don't want to be with her anymore and that she has to move out of my house. She'll respond, with tears streaming down her face, "are you serious?! you're breaking up with me?"

Her rage will escalate with every word that comes out of my mouth. There will be a long awkward 10 minutes while she sobs uncontrollably while she gathers some of her things. The further away from me in the house she is, the louder she'll sob. It's manipulative for sure. She knows I cave to the tears. As she picks up her cellphone and purse she'll mutter "I can't believe this". Her rage begins to turn into begging and pleas for reconciliation. She'll try to hug me as I tell her she needs to go. The more I insist that she leaves the more she insists that she stays. My patience starts to wear thin and I'll yell for her to "get the f$%k out". She'll use this as an opportunity to suggest that this is all just a misunderstanding and that I'm only breaking up with her out of some emotional impulse. I'll begin to think that everything is my fault and that she may in fact be right. She'll feed off that fact that she can see my demeanor changing and the blame shifting towards myself. Maybe I'll even shed a tear because my anger has become so overwhelming. I'll hate myself for getting so enraged. I'll eventually embrace her hug and we'll share a moment of comfort with each other. One of us will awkwardly laugh and I'll make a funny comment to make lite of the situation. She'll emphatically declare our love for eachother and I'll empathetically agree.

 

The next morning I'll wake up resenting her once again and hating myself.

[NopeNah]

I literally can't get the words out other than when we are fighting. Believe me, every morning I wake up in bed next to her and think "I'm just going to say it now"... it never happens.

 

Some people can just say what's on their mind and deal with the consequences. I'm not one of those people. Call me a coward. I'm constantly thinking many steps ahead and about the inevitable s%*t show that will follow.

 

I know just how it'll go... I'll tell her I don't want to be with her anymore and that she has to move out of my house. She'll respond, with tears streaming down her face, "are you serious?! you're breaking up with me?"

Her rage will escalate with every word that comes out of my mouth. There will be a long awkward 10 minutes while she sobs uncontrollably while she gathers some of her things. The further away from me in the house she is, the louder she'll sob. It's manipulative for sure. She knows I cave to the tears. As she picks up her cellphone and purse she'll mutter "I can't believe this". Her rage begins to turn into begging and pleas for reconciliation. She'll try to hug me as I tell her she needs to go. The more I insist that she leaves the more she insists that she stays. My patience starts to wear thin and I'll yell for her to "get the f$%k out". She'll use this as an opportunity to suggest that this is all just a misunderstanding and that I'm only breaking up with her out of some emotional impulse. I'll begin to think that everything is my fault and that she may in fact be right. She'll feed off that fact that she can see my demeanor changing and the blame shifting towards myself. Maybe I'll even shed a tear because my anger has become so overwhelming. I'll hate myself for getting so enraged. I'll eventually embrace her hug and we'll share a moment of comfort with each other. One of us will awkwardly laugh and I'll make a funny comment to make lite of the situation. She'll emphatically declare our love for eachother and I'll empathetically agree.

 

The next morning I'll wake up resenting her once again and hating myself.

Just a thought...Don't yell at her. express your need/want for her to move out. Give her ample time..stay clear from her. You're the one allowing this to continue.

[Zapbasket]

I literally can't get the words out other than when we are fighting. Believe me, every morning I wake up in bed next to her and think "I'm just going to say it now"... it never happens.

 

Some people can just say what's on their mind and deal with the consequences. I'm not one of those people. Call me a coward. I'm constantly thinking many steps ahead and about the inevitable s%*t show that will follow.

 

I know just how it'll go... I'll tell her I don't want to be with her anymore and that she has to move out of my house. She'll respond, with tears streaming down her face, "are you serious?! you're breaking up with me?"

Her rage will escalate with every word that comes out of my mouth. There will be a long awkward 10 minutes while she sobs uncontrollably while she gathers some of her things. The further away from me in the house she is, the louder she'll sob. It's manipulative for sure. She knows I cave to the tears. As she picks up her cellphone and purse she'll mutter "I can't believe this". Her rage begins to turn into begging and pleas for reconciliation. She'll try to hug me as I tell her she needs to go. The more I insist that she leaves the more she insists that she stays. My patience starts to wear thin and I'll yell for her to "get the f$%k out". She'll use this as an opportunity to suggest that this is all just a misunderstanding and that I'm only breaking up with her out of some emotional impulse. I'll begin to think that everything is my fault and that she may in fact be right. She'll feed off that fact that she can see my demeanor changing and the blame shifting towards myself. Maybe I'll even shed a tear because my anger has become so overwhelming. I'll hate myself for getting so enraged. I'll eventually embrace her hug and we'll share a moment of comfort with each other. One of us will awkwardly laugh and I'll make a funny comment to make lite of the situation. She'll emphatically declare our love for eachother and I'll empathetically agree.

 

The next morning I'll wake up resenting her once again and hating myself.

 

Okay, this sheds a bit of a different light on the situation. She is definitely being manipulative and she definitely takes advantage of your weakness.

 

BUT: You really need to learn how to stand your ground, or you will inevitably end up in relationships like this ad nauseum until you address this issue. So why not do it now? I don't buy for one second that you're "not one of those people who can say what's on their mind and face the consequences." That's not a behavior some people are born with and some are not; it's a habit that is forged in the crucible of healthy self-respect, respect for others, good boundaries and and the understanding that nothing, not even uncomfortable consequences, is permanent, save death. So unless you truly believe your girlfriend will murder you if you break up with her face to face, you need to confront her, confront your fear, and take care of this situation.

 

Remember, it's not HER fault that she's in your living space; it's YOUR fault. You brought this all on yourself; I don't care how manipulative she is (and I'll grant you that she does indeed sound manipulative); you created this mess and you need to man up and clean it up.

 

You need to learn how to hold on to your own needs even while another person is pushing and pulling on you with their competing needs. The reason you cave is not only because of empathy--you hate seeing her cry--but because your first go-to in a conflict is to capitulate to what the other person wants, even if what they want is in direct opposition with what you want, in this case, to leave the relationship. You can feel empathy when she pulls the waterworks; you can even cry in response because you feel so bad; but you must hold your ground, and say, "I'm sorry, I really am, but this is what I want. I've wanted it for a while and nothing you say or do will convince me otherwise." Every time you feel tempted to capitulate, you say to yourself, "No! I need to stand up for what I want! And I want out of this relationship!"

 

Sometimes, when you need to change a behavior, it helps to role play. Do you have a friend who can play out the scenario with you, just the way you fear it will go down? Someone who can pull waterworks, guilt you, physically and emotionally pull at you, rage at you, and you standing firm and saying, as many times as it takes, "I don't want to be in this relationship any more." That kind of practice is very empowering.

 

I can't beg you enough not to do the letter. It does you no good; I'm now less concerned with what it will do for your gf. This is for YOU, to begin to change the tides in your own life, to see that you are indeed someone who can stand up to other people effectively and go after what you want.

 

You CAN do this; I don't care what kind of shenanigans your girlfriend might have up her sleeve. Remember: YOU brought this on yourself. Take care of the situation and then take every step humanly possible to ensure you never get into this situation again.

[SoThatHappened]

Alright man, listen closely.

 

I'm you in almost 2 years after having gone through the EXACT same situation and breaking it via letter.

 

She was my high school sweetheart. We were on and off for years until she moved in when we were around 30. She was a princess, only child, but not a bad person.

 

I was fine with her taking over the house. I was even fine paying for everything except groceries (which she paid for). Things were fine, even though we were fundamentally very different. We truly did love each other.

 

One day she wants to buy a $35k new vehicle. I told her, "If you can afford a brand new car, you can help out a little with other bills. I'll help you find a good used vehicle (just a couple years old) and you'll pay a lot less."

 

This discussion went on for days. Guess what she did? She had her parents come to town and bought the brand new vehicle. Fine. "Now you can help with bills if you're doing so well financially."

 

Nope.

 

Again, the princes, only child, doesn't-know-NO-for-an-answer was still alive and well at 30 years old.

 

I'd had it. Told her we have different values and this isn't going to work.

 

Enter the waterworks/sobbing (as you eluded to). Drove me crazy. She wouldn't compromise, she would just sob. As you also mentioned, she would sob louder the further apart we were in the house.

 

So I'd re-engage the discussion/argument but she wouldn't even TRY to get anywhere with it. Just more sobbing. This would last until I literally couldn't even stay awake anymore. So we'd go to bed.

 

The next day, she'd act like nothing happened. I'd bring up separating again. Same scenario.

 

I cried and begged a couple times just to let us go.

 

I raised my voice once hoping that would work.

 

I sat her down, very business-like and told her we have to split and we can do it as amicably as possible.

 

This went on for the better part of a year. I was deteriorating mentally and physically. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

So, I thought in my head, "I just can't be there when the split happens. That's the way it has to happen!"

 

I spent a week writing up a letter. Giving her reason, not being mean, but laying it all out and telling her to move out. I'd give her a few days to do it (as I know her parents would come scoop her up and save their little princess).

 

I did it. Once she was gone for work, I left the letter and skipped town for a few days. Came back and she (and all of her possessions) were gone.

 

I was free! It felt cowardly and non-confrontational, but I was FINALLY free!

 

I was on top of the world. Didn't hear a word from her, and I started hooking up with a 22 y/o (which is a whole other story, the one that brought me here).

 

For a few months I was fine, but always wished it hadn't gone down that way.

 

About a year later, it's my biggest regret in life.

 

I can't imagine what she went through, and I feel like the worst person in the world for doing it the way I did. At the moment, it seemed like my only option and I was at the end of my rope.

 

I believe you when you say she just won't let the breakup happen. I've been there.

 

However, you need to do the following:

 

- Know for sure, without a doubt, you don't want to be with her.

- Do whatever you possibly can to breakup but not throw her out. Ask her to leave. Move out for a while and give her a deadline to leave if you have to.

- Know FOR SURE you want to breakup (repeat, I know).

- Do everything in your power to breakup face-to-face, if you haven't done that already.

 

Leaving a letter that breaks it off and kicks her out will leave you with regret. I promise you that.

 

I wish you all the luck, and do what you can to do it right.

Edited March 26, 2015 by SoThatHappened

[Wait]

Alright man, listen closely.

 

I'm you in almost 2 years after having gone through the EXACT same situation and breaking it via letter.

 

...

 

Leaving a letter that breaks it off and kicks her out will leave you with regret. I promise you that.

 

 

As much as you say you regret it, I'm sure looking back you still believe it was the only way.

 

I think in situations like ours that a letter may in fact do the most justice. It allows us to fully communicate our reasons and feelings whereas in person we would not be able to do so.

 

Where do we draw the line of respect between doing it in person while unable to fully explain our reasons and writing a letter that says EVERYTHING we need to say with no room for misinterpretation.

 

To me, the latter seems just as respectful. Perhaps I'm just trying to justify the cowardly way out but it does seem logical.

 

Closure seems to be the most important part of a break up. And just because I leave her a letter doesn't mean that I won't be available to talk to her in person after the dust settles.

[SoThatHappened]

As much as you say you regret it, I'm sure looking back you still believe it was the only way.

Nope. It wasn't the only way. At the time, as strung out as I was, it was the only way. Looking back, there are other options.

 

I think in situations like ours that a letter may in fact do the most justice. It allows us to fully communicate our reasons and feelings whereas in person we would not be able to do so.

True. It does let you convey things more concisely and eloquently as opposed to doing it in person. But it's not the best way or the only way.

[Wait]

Nope. It wasn't the only way. At the time, as strung out as I was, it was the only way. Looking back, there are other options.

 

 

True. It does let you convey things more concisely and eloquently as opposed to doing it in person. But it's not the best way or the only way.

 

Do you think the hybrid breakup I alluded to in my last post is feasible?

 

Leave the letter for her, let her move herself and her belongings out of the house, and then sit down maybe a week letter to discuss everything.

[SoThatHappened]

I don't.

 

Use me as an example of what not to do. I know it's hard, but do everything you can (if you truly believe you need to breakup) to do it in the best way possible.

 

I truly understand when someone won't accept a breakup. Heck, my coworker had to leave his own apartment with his live-in girlfriend, and then call her mom to tell her that the lease was going to be up so she had to move out. They're out there. I get that.

 

But, I don't want you regretting the breakup or how you broke things off later in life.

 

If she truly won't leave, and you honestly think that a letter is the ONLY way it can happen (after you've exhausted all other resources), then it's worth a shot. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you.

 

At the time, for me, it seemed like the only way. Looking back, I could've moved most of my stuff out and given her a month to move herself out. But, she likely would have just stayed and waited for me.

 

So, yeah. It worked for me and I needed that at the time, but I'm not proud of it.

[Wait]

I don't.

 

Use me as an example of what not to do. I know it's hard, but do everything you can (if you truly believe you need to breakup) to do it in the best way possible.

 

I truly understand when someone won't accept a breakup. Heck, my coworker had to leave his own apartment with his live-in girlfriend, and then call her mom to tell her that the lease was going to be up so she had to move out. They're out there. I get that.

 

But, I don't want you regretting the breakup or how you broke things off later in life.

 

If she truly won't leave, and you honestly think that a letter is the ONLY way it can happen (after you've exhausted all other resources), then it's worth a shot. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you.

 

At the time, for me, it seemed like the only way. Looking back, I could've moved most of my stuff out and given her a month to move herself out. But, she likely would have just stayed and waited for me.

 

So, yeah. It worked for me and I needed that at the time, but I'm not proud of it.

 

Just read your thread and it's really uncanny how similar our stories are.

 

The quote below from your thread is exactly what I'm going through. My health is definitely suffering - I'm having trouble sleeping, my hair is literally falling out, and I'm unable to concentrate on other important responsibilities. I've also seriously contemplated moving out my own home and letting her stay until she gets her feet back under her. She doesn't have a good support system, financially, familial or otherwise. And like you, I'm an empath who can't stand to see other people upset. As empaths our brains are wired differently - our bodies and brains are literally affected chemically by others emotions.

 

"For over a year, probably a year and a half, I tried breaking it off half a dozen times. Tried talking to her rationally, broke down in front of her one time, begged her to let me go another time. I tried over and over. She just wouldn't leave, even after I told her how unhappy I was. I was miserable. Dreaded going home. I just wanted out. Even thought of moving out of my own house. I know it sounds crazy but she literally would not accept that I was trying to break up nor would she leave. I was at the end of my rope. Health and job were suffering."

[mightycpa]

as I know her parents would come scoop her up and save their little princess

Jesus! So why didn't you just call up the parents and break up through them? Not that this move would help OP, but it had to have crossed your mind.