jay1638 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Hi my partner of 9 years has met someone on a dating app. He's fallen in love with the person and removed me from his life,and told me the 9 years has been a mistake. He relied on me for everything. My question is what's the chances of there relationship working. I just have to say it's been two weeks apart and we met up last Friday for a chat and he come onto me and we ended up in bed. When I gave into what he wanted he turned the tables and said I hope this isn't leading you on and this is good buy sex. It's now two days since we had contact and I'm so lost.
mightycpa Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 [he] told me the 9 years has been a mistake. It sounds like it was. Your mistake, that is. I hope you can see this is as a lesson learned. It was a high price to pay for the truth, and the truth seems to be that your BF of 9 years was an *******, and cares very little about you. 2
hela Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I'm so sorry you're going through this, jay1638. It's so hard to say goodbye to something that made up a significant part of your life. But you need to leave this behind. I'm not saying your partner is a bad person, but he is treating you very badly. At the moment, he is acting very selfishly and putting his needs first. You need to listen to what he is telling you and put your hope away for this relationship. But if he relied on you, that probably means that you're a caring, amazing and self-sufficient person. Look at your life, and I think you'll find that he might have been the only thing wrong in it. I realized that about my relationship. Look at the other things in your life that, in your way, you took care of that actually flourished. Your friendships, relationships with family, career. Remind yourself of all the good things you have going for you, things you made yourself. You'll love yourself soon and will eventually replace him, and the replacement will be amazing because he has very little shoes to fill. Stay strong and feel better! 1
PegNosePete Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Look, who cares if his new relationship is going to work out r not? You need to concentrate on YO now, not HIM. His happiness or unhappiness does not affect your life in any way whatsoever, and by continuing to allow yourself to think about it, you're holding yourself back.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I'm sorry you're going through this too. My ex-husband of seven years left me for a woman he met at a bar, and pulled the same crap. "Our marriage was a mistake, I only stayed because I didn't want to hurt you", and the same good bye sex. Ugh. It's a kick in the teeth, but the only reason they're being such asses (besides the fact that they ARE asses) is because they have to, to justify leaving us and treating us so shabbily. It took me a solid yearof therapy to get this, but it really helped my self-esteem, when I was wondering what I had done to deserve such treatment. The answer is, of course, nothing. And same for you, you don't deserve this either. It is going to be really tempting to blame yourself, but please try to nip it in the bud as much as possible. His behavior is all about him, not about you. On some level, your ex knows that you deserved better than sneaking around behind your back on-line and leaving a nine year relationship like he did. But he'll have to square it with himself, so the chances are, he'll start being a jerk to elicit a negative response from you. A natural, negative response, which he can then point to as the reason why he left and has to stay away. I'd say screw him, and don't give him the satisfaction. There are a million of great reasons to go NC, but not giving your ex the satisfaction of justification for their sh*tty actions is in there somewhere. I loved hela's beautifully worded advice too. The best thing for you is to cut him off. No contact, block him on all social media, and no creeping and snooping. I know this isn't at ALL what you want to do, but you deserve somuch better than him. And the quickest way to heal from this heartbreak is to do it. The last thing you want to see are pictures of the happy couple anyway. It's going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do,saying goodbye to someone you still love and don't want to let go of. But he's already gone, and you are going to have to move on too. Take your time, especially in the beginning, and come here. We've all been where you are, and can give great advice and support. As far as your question about the chances of their relationship working...I'll share my expeience again. My ex married the other woman. They were married for almost two years, and she left him for his brother this past Christmas. Yeah. And I wished and hoped and checked all those "is it a rebound" articles online for a good six months before I accepted that it wasn't. But I got to the point where I didn't want him back anhway. So just assume they're going to be together forever, and act accordingly. It is actually a blessing that he's moved on, waiting for that shoe to fall is its own hell. At least you know, and aren't going to stumble across the info a few months from now and set your recovery back with the knowledge. And remind yourself that this new guy really isn't getting himself any great prize either. He has to make do with someone who would leave a nine year relationship like it was nothing. Who needs THAT? Not you. Hang in there, you'll get throught this. I promise.
Author jay1638 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Today is so hard. I want to go up his house and see him. I've lost everything the house the area we lived in. I thought my life was perfect. I knew it was all to good to be true.
KaleMinaj Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 It's a "been there, done that" kinda thing for me. Hahaha. Well, when I was there where you are today. When you are waiting for him to come in his senses and start loving you all over again.. It's just a waste of time n makes no sense. I got a dating app myself- Fuzd. Browsed profiles, chatted with a few interesting guys, and meet new people till I found Reed. You can try it too. It is nice. Go ahead. P.S. Do not fall for your guy again.
Author jay1638 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Today's update. I drove to his house today at 4 in the morning, to see if the guy is sleeping there. He wasn't so I knocked and told him I wanted to sleep there for the next couple of hours. He didn't want me to but gave in. Before we went to bed I he instigated sex again. He kept saying we shouldn't be doing this and had I been with anyone else. After sex he asked me to go but I said no and went to sleep. In the morning he questioned me about have i met anybody. He asked me to tell him where the friend lives and what he looks like.I have met someone but it will only ever be friends we are meeting for a drink tomorrow. He wanted to check my phone for text messages. Then he instigated sex again. He says he's never slept with the other guy and he is only a friend to talk to. He's put on weight the last three weeks and admits to comfort eating and just spending time with his cousin. But his last words we're I can't keep turning up and we are over.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Take a step back and look at this. You went over to his house at 4AM, talked your way in despite his protests, someone initiated sex, after which he asked you to leave and you refused. That right there is so desperate, it's scary. Then you guys had sex again, he showed some slight jealousy, and capped it all off by saying flat out that you can't keep turning up and you're over. If this was something that you were reading that was written by someone else, what would you say? Move on and knock this off? I know how crazy missing someone can make you, but you aren't doing yourself any favors by pulling this sort of thing. It makes you look unbelievably needy, which is completely unattractive. He told you three times to leave him alone. I don't care if you did have sex with him, that's just a physical release to him at this point, if he's telling you that. It is way too easy to convince someone to have sex with you, if they don't totally hate you. I really wouldn't assign any weight to that. I know this is harsh, and making mistakes like this is ok. But all you're doing is hurting yourself in the end and lowering your esteem in his eyes. Hold onto your dignity and don't contact him anymore. If you really care about him, you'll respect his wishes in this. Don't lower yourself to trading sex for fleeting affection. You deserve better than that. Go out for that drink with your new friend, open your world up a little. It's easy to make a breakup all that we think and talk about. You'll get through this.
Author jay1638 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Posted March 28, 2015 Thank you Ziggyzoo my friends are telling me the same but for some reason your words have hit home. I will get there. Thanks again.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 You're welcome. Sometimes it, strangely, takes the words of a stranger to get through. Hang in there, you absolutely WILL get there.
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