hela Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hello all, My relationship of 6 years is over. In 2012, my boyfriend had a bad fall which resulted in us being in the hospital for a week. He had a severe concussion, a blown-out eardrum and potential subdural hematoma. He didn't end up needing surgery, but the following year was awful. He was heavily affected by his post-concussion syndrome -- light sensitivity, depression, anxiety, balance issues, etc. The symptoms went away after roughly a year, but he really hasn't been the same since. Last year (August 2013) he very suddenly expressed a desire to move out. I felt taken aback because I thought our relationship was fine until that point and he had never brought it up before. That was the last I heard of it until December of that year, when he abruptly moved out on me while I was grieving a terrible loss in my family. It was one of the worst months of my life. He still wanted to stay together though, saying that it would be a "good reboot of our relationship", a way to "fix the bad upper layers we had built on our good relationship foundation" and would be like "starting all over again". I felt puzzled, because I had never had these thoughts, and he had never brought them up before. But I went along with it. That summer, he announced that we were going on a break. I was devastated, but accepted it, only to have him want to get back together only two weeks later. That lasted a month before he broke up with me again. One month later, he desperately tried to contact me -- phoning, texting, facebook messaging. He even contacted my best friend and came to my house crying, apologizing profusely. "I was so scared to lose you" he told me. We agreed to get back together. He was on his best behaviour for a little while after that (2 weeks or so), and I saw the old person I fell in love with. But 2 weeks in and suddenly he stopped responding as quickly to my messages, I found myself initiating all the contact. This went on for a little while before he called it off again. Again, I was devastated, but I tried my best to move on. Cut to one month later. He starts contacting me again, saying he loves and misses me. I wrote back, saying that I love him too, but I do it all the time, not only a month after last seeing him and only for a few weeks after that. He told me that he was confused (that he's always confused) and wanted to see me and hear my voice. We got back together. Like clockwork, 2 weeks later, the messages petered off and I found myself in the midst of a breakup. He falls into these bizarre stages every couple of weeks, characterized by intense apathy and anhedonia. He cannot cry during these times, though he's always been a very emotional person. His reasons for wanting the breakup are always very confusing. He tells me that he's so confused and that his feelings change from day to day. He says that he loves me more than anyone he's ever had in his life, but doesn't want to be in a relationship. The idea of relationship repulses him and he's thought of wanting to be with others often, despite still being attracted to me and being happy with our sex life. He'll often say things that don't really make sense in the context of our relationship and his history of knowing me (for example, he suggested an open relationship during our last breakup, despite knowing that it's something I cannot do). He's always been a little anxious, but after the head injury, depression became his major affliction. Last year he started on Effexor, but stopped seeing his therapist. He gets his prescriptions refilled by our family doctor. In the last two years, he has alienated most of his friends and dropped out of school. He sleeps all the time and has trouble working enough or paying his rent. He always says that he needs to be alone to fix his life, to "have freedom to do and be with whomever he wants". The last time we were apart, he slept with another girl (and lied to me about it when we got back together). It's interesting that he feels the need to sleep with others, despite the fact that his sex drive is the lowest its ever been due to the antidepressants. For every breakup, he says that he's doing it because it's unfair that I should be with someone who only wants to be with me sometimes. Honestly, I should just know when to walk away. And I intend to. There's just a lot of guilt in my heart for leaving someone who I fear isn't well. But how many times can I put myself in a position where I get hurt again? And how can I be there for someone who has deliberately cut me loose? I love and think the world of this person, but I can acknowledge that he's treated me horrendously over the past while. I need to accept that it's over, but I can't shirk the feeling that I'm turning my back on someone when they need me the most. It's so tough feeling like I'm dealing with a stranger who only sometimes resembles the person I used to know. I feel like I'm going crazy.
BlackbirdSong Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Walk away. You're not his mom or caregiver. You seem to give and never get anything in return. Good relationships don't work that way. I'm sorry for your loss as 6 years is a long time. I'm also sorry that he is suffering due to his head injury. Hopefully he will heal and become a better man. You deserve way better.
mightycpa Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I think you can and should assume that but for this injury, he'd be his old self. Concussions can really **** people up, as you've seen. It's nobody's fault. While you're not his mother, if he has family that's alive, I think you should inform them that you're not going to be a primary or backstop caretaker anymore, and that you want them to know that just in case. If you're not married, you don't have to stick around for worse...some people might think less of you, but ultimately, it is you who has to live with the decision. I feel bad for the both of you. I hope he gets better in time.
Author hela Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Thanks for the advice, and the warm welcome. I wish it were in better circumstances. I could message his father, but I always fear that I might look like I'm trying to gaslight him out of desperation. I don't know. I'm confused. It's hard to think rationally when I'm trying to come to terms with this being over. We met when we were pretty young (21) and now it's like I've woken up in an entirely new universe without him in it. I can't help but miss him all the time.
Recommended Posts