Diezel Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 DISCLAIMER: Not going to read every response, I am specifically going off of the OP's thread and the information given there. You couldn't just tell him what you were doing? How hard is it to tell him what your plan was for the birthday? Obviously, surprises make him anxious, but you just tell him to "chill about it" and go buy a dress shirt? Sometimes with people you can't just anticipate them to let them sit back and go along for the ride. Not everyone is a "surprise" kinda person. And if he doesn't own a dress shirt, then this is a fact that you take, analyze and wonder if this is the kind of guy that you want to date. He sounds like a very casual, "everything needs to be under control and open knowledge" kinda guy. If this isn't what you want, he's probably not going to change. Also... instead of that massage you wanted to get him, you probably could have cancelled that, taken that money, and bought him some dress shirts. Sounds like a MUCH better investment.
kendahke Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Tara, I totally agree with you. I've.been thinking about these things most of thing the day. Update.. He came over and we talked. He said he doesn't know if he's afraid to open up and whether or not it's a matter of him being single so long that he doesn't know what being in a traditional should feel like. He said that the he liked his gifts and that it was the most thoughtful gift he's ever gotten. He said he hates himself sometimes so he can't understand why someone else would go out of the way for him and he often ha negative reactions to it because he doesn't know how to happily receive them. He said that he cares for me and he didn't want to break up but that he doesn't understand why he's not" falling over himself for me." The last girl he was crazy about was a train wreck and he said she was into drugs and other things but he was super into her and our interactions are different. I told him that he could walk whenever he wanted and that if he was singing if Meeji--this guy doesn't need a girlfriend. He needs a therapist. RUN!!! someone who hates themselves is not in a place to be a whole and participating partner in a relationship, nor do they deserve to be in a relationship as broken as they are--because all that will happen is that you become an enabler to his psychosis. He doesn't have to lift a finger to make a change because you being there doing all of the heavy lifting is his validation that there is nothing wrong with him. Really, he needs to come way more correctly than this. You will never be happy dealing with a control freak. Walking around on eggshells will get old really fast. Don't leave it up to him to walk. You need to do the walking. You can find way better than this mess of a man. He's not whole within himself until he's addressed and resolved his feelings of self loathing and self hatred. 3
kendahke Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 DISCLAIMER: Not going to read every response, I am specifically going off of the OP's thread and the information given there. You couldn't just tell him what you were doing? How hard is it to tell him what your plan was for the birthday? Obviously, surprises make him anxious, but you just tell him to "chill about it" and go buy a dress shirt? Sometimes with people you can't just anticipate them to let them sit back and go along for the ride. Not everyone is a "surprise" kinda person. And if he doesn't own a dress shirt, then this is a fact that you take, analyze and wonder if this is the kind of guy that you want to date. He sounds like a very casual, "everything needs to be under control and open knowledge" kinda guy. If this isn't what you want, he's probably not going to change. Also... instead of that massage you wanted to get him, you probably could have cancelled that, taken that money, and bought him some dress shirts. Sounds like a MUCH better investment. Diezel--read the thread. You've drawn the totally wrong conclusions about him. More information has been posted. 1
kendahke Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Sorry, if he was doubting his feelings for me then I would not put up a fight. Sure I was sad about it but in a way I'm relieved. He seemed pretty unavailable and now I'm free to meet someone who doesn't have a lifestyle with so many barriers. Thank you everyone. By the way. We met in ok Cupid.... Well done, my dear.
Redhead14 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Ladies and Gents, I need so 2nd and 3rd opinions on this one bc my mind is blown! My bf's birthday is tomorrow. He knew about 2 weeks ago that I was planning a surprise for him. We talked about it a week ago when he asked me what it was and said that he didn't want a surprise party. I said that it wasn't a party and to meet at my place at 7pm. So today is our 1 month and tomorrow is his actual birthday. Apparently, his anxiety has been building up over this mystery. I was going to give him his birthday gift ( which was a 1hr professional massage that I bought for him) and the rest of the "surprise," was dinner at a Thai place. I bought 2 tickets to see a band that he really likes and that was going to go in the folder when the waiter bought our check for dinner. I mentioned dressing up on his birthday and he said "I don't have any dress clothes ( this was 4 days before his birthday so technically he had time to go get something). Why would you dress up and make me feel like I'm under dressed. I'm a simple guy I'm not dressing up." I let go but later I said "I'm sure you can find a nice dress shirt that is simple to wear on Tuesday." He said "No, I don't have time for that." So, I cancelled dinner and dropped by his office today to give him the tickets as an anniversary gift and tomorrow I was planning on dropping the Birthday card with the massage thing off at his place. He said that he needed to know what/where we were going and he said that he didn't want to dress up..also that he didn't like surprises and that he was not excited about it at all ( another reason why I cancelled.) I told him I cancelled it and since it was his birthday we would do whatever he wanted to do and he could wear whatever he wanted. Then he was kinda surprised that I cancelled and asked me to tell him what it was so I did. I don't know what he thought it was but I didn't plan anything outrageous. He told me that he hasn't celebrated his bday for several years so I wanted to do something nice for him. All he had to was sit back and enjoy the ride but apparently it was something he couldn't do. I told him that when people do surprised for others the person on the receiving end is not entitled to know what it is. He said that I was keeping secrets and he didn't like it and that he didn't understand why it had to keep it from him. I tried to explain to him that some people think it's fun and exciting and it gives them something to look forward to. Lately, I feel like everything is on his terms always.... I can't even plan a surprise for him without him freaking out about not being in control. He still thinks that the issue is over him not having a dress shirt but he doesn't understand that I am now seeing this as an incompatibility issue and I've been wondering for the last 2 weeks or so if we should continue. What do you guys think about this? I feel like he's so used to being a alone and doing things his way for so long that he's having a hard time adjusting to outside influences and I feel like he totally overlooked my effort, which made me feel unappreciated. After only one month, he is not your boyfriend. And, if he told you or asked for you two to be boyfriend and girlfriend so soon, I'd be wary of intentions. And, you were planning a birthday/anniversary surprise at 2 weeks which included tickets to a concert and a massage. That is quite a lot to be doing for a man that early in a dating scenario. This early in with a dating partner, a woman shouldn't be doing anything like that including gift giving of any kind. A woman who does these kinds of things comes across as needy and trying to buy into a relationship. This relationship is being rushed. And, he is likely feeling rushed and pressured. Saying he doesn't have dress clothes is simply another way of telling you, he just doesn't want you to do this stuff. Whether or not he likes surprises is something you would have learned about him if you had spent more time with and knew him well enough. You say about that YOU FEEL he's so used to being alone and doing things his way. That may very well be true. However, you don't know him well enough to be assuming anything about what's going on his head. At one month, you should be letting him "drive". Let him initiate things, let him demonstrate his interest and intentions toward you. You only reciprocate in the beginning. Later, as the relationship develops, you can start doing a little bit of initiating but in a balanced way. Sit back a little bit for a while. You said "Lately, I feel like everything is on his terms always . . ." Lately? It's only been a month . . .
Taramere Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 At one month, you should be letting him "drive". If she's going to let him drive, she'll have to be ready to tie a rope to this and run along behind it
Redhead14 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) I agree with this actually, now that I think about it. My BF's birthday came around when we'd been together for about four months, and I just gave him a card and a nice bottle of whiskey. I let him plan his birthday drinks himself. That might have to do with why he's freaking out about it. Too much too soon? I dunno. I agree with kendahke though, too. Why should he leave you feeling so unappreciated and like you wanting to do something nice for him was some kind of affront? She didn't feel appreciated because she did something he didn't appreciate. Before you do something that you want or hope another person will appreciate, you should know enough about them to know what kinds of things they do appreciate. Edited March 24, 2015 by Redhead14
kendahke Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) She didn't feel appreciated because she did something he didn't appreciate. Before you do something that you want or hope another person will appreciate, you should know enough about them to know what kinds of things they do appreciate. this is moot now because she's ended it with him. Originally Posted by meeji He said that he cares for me and he didn't want to break up but that he doesn't understand why he's not" falling over himself for me." The last girl he was crazy about was a train wreck and he said she was into drugs and other things but he was super into her and our interactions are different. Dude hates himself, isn't that thrilled to have her as a girlfriend and was more into a drug addict than OP. Edited March 24, 2015 by kendahke 1
Redhead14 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 this is moot now because she's ended it with him. Dude hates himself, isn't that thrilled to have her as a girlfriend and was more into a drug addict than OP. This is another reason not to be spending a ton of money on someone you don't know very well.
losangelena Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 She didn't feel appreciated because she did something he didn't appreciate. Before you do something that you want or hope another person will appreciate, you should know enough about them to know what kinds of things they do appreciate. Yes, I realize that, thank you. I was showing OP some sympathy regarding her now ex stick-in-the-mud BF. I agree that doing what the other person appreciates is ideal, but as a gift receiver, it's also nice to show some appreciation for the thoughtful thing that's been done for you, and not make your SO feel like dirt because of it. OP is well to be rid of him. 2
kendahke Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 This is another reason not to be spending a ton of money on someone you don't know very well. Like I said, the tickets were $20 bucks, the massage was a $20 groupon and I had a $12 dollar groupon for dinner. yeah.. a ton of money 2
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Sorry for overlooking those things. I put them in the hammock when I left. There's a check you obviously don't have to cash but I hope you do. I can't replace the thought or time you put into the gifts anyway so its not an attempt to nullify them and I will continue to appreciate them but I won't have the chance to show that so I feel the least I can do is make that offer. I requested that he leave my belongings in the hammock on his porch so my friend nearby.can get out for me. Sent this: Ok guess I'd have to.be an idiot not to cash that check
d0nnivain Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Meeji I'm sorry your attempt to do a nice thing for your then new BF, now EX didn't turn out well. Going forward, perhaps start talking to men wearing dress shirts so you don't get the excuse of I can't wear a nice shirt because I don't own one. Second, early on after you meet ask how he feels about surprises. Third, skip the early dating anniversary gifts. And Fourth, keep your 1st gifts to a new man for all giving occasions in that 1st year simple: dinner or a small gift, no multi-part things or events / tickets. It will save you heartache in the future. ` 2
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Meeji I'm sorry your attempt to do a nice thing for your then new BF, now EX didn't turn out well. Going forward, perhaps start talking to men wearing dress shirts so you don't get the excuse of I can't wear a nice shirt because I don't own one. Second, early on after you meet ask how he feels about surprises. Third, skip the early dating anniversary gifts. And Fourth, keep your 1st gifts to a new man for all giving occasions in that 1st year simple: dinner or a small gift, no multi-part things or events / tickets. It will save you heartache in the future. ` Thanks. I see that this is a lesson learned. I will also avoid a man who tells me he has been single for 3+ years and only has 1 fork, 1 knife and one place in his apartment... lol 4
d0nnivain Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Thanks. I see that this is a lesson learned. I will also avoid a man who tells me he has been single for 3+ years and only has 1 fork, 1 knife and one place in his apartment... lol Alas, had this guy stuck around you probably would have gotten him dishes as the next gift. 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Meeji, I had a feeling I was correct in my assessment of the man you were dating. But take heart OP: Three months in, at least you found out about the rigid, controlling and apathetic way that he treats others (besides those who are drug addicts) and how his way of living (1 fork, 1 spoon, 1 knife, 1 plate, 1 cup, 1 towel) screams that he prefers to live his life alone. In my honest opinion, you dodged a HUGE bullet! If I were you, I'd be extremely relieved. From now on, reserve your gift-giving, kind and caring ways for a guy who actually DESERVES it. And, if I were you, I wouldn't go all out on planning a spectacular surprise birthday for ANY guy until you've been exclusive with him for at least a year. Congrats on you having the foresight and maturity to END things with this guy. I'm sure another drama-filled drug addict will stumble into his life who he'll totally have "the hots" for. . 3
spiderowl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Hold on a second...you want your boyfriend of one month to change around his work schedule for you? Two people that really like each other can learn to work with differing schedules. It's not an uncommon problem, but you can't expect him to change around his whole work schedule for you after only knowing you for a few months. You either accept it and work with it, or you don't. I have two sisters who are night owls. Both of them have married larks. The way they cope is he gets up early, potters around, goes out for a walk, does a few jobs, then wakes her up with breakfast. He goes off to work. She gets up, goes off to work. In the evening when he has fizzled out, she finishes off the evening jobs and then goes to bed. They spend a lot of time together at weekends. Strangely enough, these couples seem to be very happy and don't seem to complain about each others' body clocks. They just complement each other.
soyou Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Good job OP. I'm glad that you found the answer for your own question and moving forward. I didnt know that there are so many people out there who dont like surprise. I love surprises. The more the better, especially when it comes to my birthday. If I were your (now ex-boyfriend), I'd be so touched by your gesture and love you 1000x more. It shows that you care about me and that's all which matters to me. Everybody is different. I dont think what you did was over the top. Thats why you need to date people who are compatible to you. Dont date guys like some of the posters here who cant handle surprises 1
preraph Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 :laugh::laugh: You never know though dude. Steve Jobs spends his days walking around in New Balance sneakers. Casual is the new classy. Steve Jobs is dead. I bet he was buried in a suit. 1
Author meeji Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 got my belongings from his porch. He wrote a check for $80. It made me cry... but I'm getting it out of my system so I can move on. Thank you love shack for all the perspective. I'm definitely going to take some notes.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Steve Jobs is dead. I bet he was buried in a suit. After I read FF's post about Steve Jobs and then read this post that you wrote, I just couldn't stop laughing lolololol:laugh: Thanks for the chuckle, Preraph! @Meeji, don't waste your tears on that reclusive sap, he's not worth it! I can't wait until the day that you meet the right guy who will not only appreciate your kind and generous spirit, but he will thoroughly enjoy and have FUN with the b-day/anniversary/christmas/etc. surprises that you plan for him! You'll look back on this day that you had to pick your stuff up from this loser's porch and you'll be like, "What was I thinking?! Thank GOD I dumped him!!":D . 2
neowulf Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Well, as a 36 year old man, I think what you did was awesome. I'd have loved it if my girlfriend went through the trouble of planning something like that for me. I also happen to own a number of "nice" dress clothes, because I'm a 36 year old man, not a giant man child. Don't let it phase you OP. I think any normal, well adjusted man would have appreciated the gesture. You guys just obviously have a different approach to things. Better to get a handle on that now, than waste more time with an incompatable match. 1
Author meeji Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 You're right. Tonight is the only night I'm allowing myself to cry over it. Tomorrow I'll.feel better! Sounds like I should be dating some of you, haha! It's good to know that some, people would appreciate what I tried to do without being weirded out. 1
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