fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I think the bottom line is that I'd probably like to date someone a little more adventurous.. or at least flexible. You basically demanding he go out and buy something to wear for his own birthday surprise has nothing to do with him not being adventurous. It has to do with him actually having a backbone and letting you know when you're being a bit ridiculous IMO. I mean you'd rather go to dinner with a friend now instead of wearing something nice and letting him dress like he wants? Plus as I said before this was a $12 group on dinner. You can spend more than that at a Denny's. So why exactly were you so hung up on what he wore? 1
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 I missed your post before my last. If you have other incompatibility things going on, I get it. I was only responding to the birthday surprise thing. Like I said, all your ideas were good, just not the surprise when he stated he didn't want a surprise. Moral of the story: don't give someone a surprise if they don't like surprises, and don't give a guy a shopping project 4 days before his birthday. He had 2.5 weeks to find 1 shirt guys..... It wasn't 4 days. He knew the whole time I was taking him out for his birthday. All I said 4 days ago was that I was dressing up whether or not he was... and then he got upset and said I would be making him look bad.
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 You basically demanding he go out and buy something to wear for his own birthday surprise has nothing to do with him not being adventurous. It has to do with him actually having a backbone and letting you know when you're being a bit ridiculous IMO. I mean you'd rather go to dinner with a friend now instead of wearing something nice and letting him dress like he wants? Plus as I said before this was a $12 group on dinner. You can spend more than that at a Denny's. So why exactly were you so hung up on what he wore? ...again.... He told me that I would be making him look bad if I dressed up and he didn't. Those plans were cancelled earlier today. Its a nice Thai restaurant. It's not a suit and tie kind of place but jeans and a t-shirt is under dressed there. It's atomospheric. http://tarathairichmond.com/images/bar.jpg 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 He had 2.5 weeks to find 1 shirt guys..... It wasn't 4 days. He knew the whole time I was taking him out for his birthday. All I said 4 days ago was that I was dressing up whether or not he was... and then he got upset and said I would be making him look bad. Haha.. Well that's the first thing you've said that I come on your side with. Him complaining about you making him look bad is weak and that's why you said he should buy a shirt to make himself feel better. Puts a different spin on it. The way it came off originally is that you were uncomfortable about wearing something nice and were saying he had to get a shirt to make you feel better. So that's why I had the opinion I did. Sounded like you were giving him an assignment he had to complete for his own birthday. Haha
BluEyeL Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I think it was a bit much for someone you've been dating 1 month. 2
acapelo_dp Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I don't think the gifts were too much but some people really don't enjoy surprises, and he communicated to you that he didn't. I have to agree that surprises give me anxiety and if I had to go pick up an outfit, despite even going for sales, for one day I would get annoyed. For next time just don't plan a surprise for him. Then everyone is happy. 1
losangelena Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I do like him. He is sweet as long as he's in a comfortable environment. He's attractive and intelligent, creative too. He's pretty passionate about his work and these are all things that I find endearing about him. I just see us clashing a lot if we continue. For example, sleep in until 11 and goes to work at noon, eats lunch at 4 has dinner at 11pm. I'm up between 5-6am, in the office by 8:30, eat lunch at noon and I'm home and ready for happy hour 5pm ... and i'm sleeping by 10:30. He told me that he felt like he was giving up his power if he got a regular schedule. That was the first time I had the thought that he's the power struggle kind of guy.. Does he have a lot of relationship experience? To me it sounds like he has probably never had to rearrange anything in his life for anyone else. FWIW, I'd be annoyed by that schedule, too. I tend to get up quite early for work, and my BF can sleep the day away, quite literally. It does tend to lead to an imbalance sometimes, where I feel like I accommodate him too much, whereas he has to do very little in the way of bending. You do say the two of you go out to dinner fairly often—but who's bending to whose schedule in those instances?
spiderowl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 It's nice that you made the effort and thought about him and wanted him to be happy. However, I can completely understand your boyfriend's point of view. I also don't like surprises and would really object to someone suggesting I dress up in something more than I would usually wear for a night out. He did express several times that he didn't like surprises. Did you pay attention to this from the beginning? It sounds as though you didn't at first until he became increasingly unhappy with it. Now, you are unhappy with him and questioning whether you two should be together. I did date someone for a short time who tried surprising me. He wanted to turn up at a place I went to but hadn't gone to with him. I didn't want him to go with me: the relationship was still very new and I wanted to see my old friends and not to have the two involved at that point. He said he would turn up. I told him I didn't like surprises and I would be annoyed if he did. He laughed this off. Shortly afterwards I ended the relationship because I felt he was controlling. He didn't listen to my objections and wanted to intrude too much too soon. I know the cases are different altogether because you have been with your boyfriend for a while, but surprises are a strange thing: the person doing the surprising is in control. If your partner has said he's not comfortable with you springing something on him and you choose to ignore it, you are ignoring his feelings. It sounds like you have a stalemate now. This guy doesn't want to be surprised, he likes cooperation and mutual agreement. If you think he wrong to choose that, maybe you would be better off with someone more impulsive. Is this just about this one occasion or is there a pattern of disagreement over similar things? 1
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Does he have a lot of relationship experience? To me it sounds like he has probably never had to rearrange anything in his life for anyone else. FWIW, I'd be annoyed by that schedule, too. I tend to get up quite early for work, and my BF can sleep the day away, quite literally. It does tend to lead to an imbalance sometimes, where I feel like I accommodate him too much, whereas he has to do very little in the way of bending. You do say the two of you go out to dinner fairly often—but who's bending to whose schedule in those instances? It's always me staying up late and going to work sleepy. He refused to get up early. Lately, I've been going to bed at my usual time and tell him it's too bad.
rester Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I do like him. He is sweet as long as he's in a comfortable environment. He's attractive and intelligent, creative too. He's pretty passionate about his work and these are all things that I find endearing about him. I just see us clashing a lot if we continue. For example, sleep in until 11 and goes to work at noon, eats lunch at 4 has dinner at 11pm. I'm up between 5-6am, in the office by 8:30, eat lunch at noon and I'm home and ready for happy hour 5pm ... and i'm sleeping by 10:30. He told me that he felt like he was giving up his power if he got a regular schedule. That was the first time I had the thought that he's the power struggle kind of guy.. Hold on a second...you want your boyfriend of one month to change around his work schedule for you? Two people that really like each other can learn to work with differing schedules. It's not an uncommon problem, but you can't expect him to change around his whole work schedule for you after only knowing you for a few months. You either accept it and work with it, or you don't.
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 It's nice that you made the effort and thought about him and wanted him to be happy. However, I can completely understand your boyfriend's point of view. I also don't like surprises and would really object to someone suggesting I dress up in something more than I would usually wear for a night out. He did express several times that he didn't like surprises. Did you pay attention to this from the beginning? It sounds as though you didn't at first until he became increasingly unhappy with it. Now, you are unhappy with him and questioning whether you two should be together. I did date someone for a short time who tried surprising me. He wanted to turn up at a place I went to but hadn't gone to with him. I didn't want him to go with me: the relationship was still very new and I wanted to see my old friends and not to have the two involved at that point. He said he would turn up. I told him I didn't like surprises and I would be annoyed if he did. He laughed this off. Shortly afterwards I ended the relationship because I felt he was controlling. He didn't listen to my objections and wanted to intrude too much too soon. I know the cases are different altogether because you have been with your boyfriend for a while, but surprises are a strange thing: the person doing the surprising is in control. If your partner has said he's not comfortable with you springing something on him and you choose to ignore it, you are ignoring his feelings. It sounds like you have a stalemate now. This guy doesn't want to be surprised, he likes cooperation and mutual agreement. If you think he wrong to choose that, maybe you would be better off with someone more impulsive. Is this just about this one occasion or is there a pattern of disagreement over similar things? Yes there is a list of things actually.. This isn't the only issue.
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Hold on a second...you want your boyfriend of one month to change around his work schedule for you? Two people that really like each other can learn to work with differing schedules. It's not an uncommon problem, but you can't expect him to change around his whole work schedule for you after only knowing you for a few months. You either accept it and work with it, or you don't.[/QUOTe Yea, I know.I didn't ask him to change his schedule. I was just point out other reasons why I think we're having compatability issues. That kind of opposing schedule can be killer!
katiegrl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 He's only sprung for one plate, one cup, etc? So guessing he's also cheap. So you spending all that money was probably extremely alarming to him. Not saying YOU are wrong. I think he's the scary one. Just not a match. I think you're too much of a good thing for his rigid a**. No I don't think it's because he is cheap. His behavior screams "I want to be ALONE" One cup, one plate, one fork, I bet he has a single bed too! OP, you came on too strong for only one month. For three months even! Way too intense and over the top. Never mind that YOU wanted to do all that..it's HIS birthday and all that fuss (which is how he interprets this) made him uncomfortable! If you are not careful here and tone yourself down, you are gonna scare him off (i.e. turn him off)!!!
preraph Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 It's nice that you made the effort and thought about him and wanted him to be happy. However, I can completely understand your boyfriend's point of view. I also don't like surprises and would really object to someone suggesting I dress up in something more than I would usually wear for a night out. I would agree with this except this couple are still in the very early stages of getting to know each other. This is something she would want to know about him. And now she does. She might have kept on dating him and found out he was wearing bermuda shorts to their wedding.
Larry56 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 You know what Meeji, I'm going to put this out there. You swallow it, digest it and let it sink in. Everything that you did leading up to 'his birthday'. Every gesture you've done sounds like it was something YOU would like to be done for YOU. You would like to go to a restaurant You would like a massage You would like to be taken to a concert. I'll admit, you did get 1/3 right. Yes guys like bands. But seriously, you've totally come off as controlling. Getting him to buy new clothes. What are you his mother? Your just pissed because you didn't get to do things you WANTED to do. for HIS Birthday. You understand how this works? You've got your own romantic notions totally mixed up. Instead of doing something he would of liked (tickets to band would of been fine by itself) you've totally just tried to hijack his birthday to do something 'for the relationship'. But really deep down you were actually doing all this for YOU. Guys are not down for romantic dinners. Guys are not down for massages (generally speaking). Guys are not down for flowers or poems. Yeesh. But on a side note he sounds a bit bland and boring, because you're already complaining about him. I'm an ******* (on the internet) don't take it personally.
preraph Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 ^ Oh, right. Men are now down for massages. In what universe???? She tailored that birthday to his current needs. Eating out is pretty much a given, not something only selfish freaks do!!
Larry56 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 ^ Oh, right. Men are now down for massages. In what universe???? She tailored that birthday to his current needs. Eating out is pretty much a given, not something only selfish freaks do!! Pfft. No she didn't. She bought him things she liked. She didn't need to wait till his birthday to get his back fixed for him. Everything she did screams me me me! If she really wanted to get him a massage he liked she would of got some 20 year old blonde to mount his back while another played with his balls. Not some eastern 60 year old man or woman to do the job.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I feel bad for the OP. She really wanted to make this guy's birthday (that she's known for 3 months and is in a relationship with for 1 month) very special. And, while I think that maybe she could've just given him one of the three things that she bought for him and that would've been enough, he had a very negative and immature attitude towards her about the nice things she tried to do for his birthday. I mean, seriously? He couldn't have shown a little more appreciation or happiness at someone who cared that much to make the day he was born special and fun? And, I'm not buying that this guy - who makes TWICE the salary she does - doesn't even own ONE decent shirt that he could've thrown on with jeans? Instead of him saying 'thank you' and going along for the ride and enjoying everything, he pissed all over your plans and then rubbed your face in it. OP, regardless of most of the comments on here stating that you overplayed your hand and that you were wrong for doing what you did and that you should stay in this relationship with him because "some people just don't like surprises" - if I were you, I'd end it with him and move on. There are plenty of other guys out there who would've LOVED the surprise b-day party that you planned!! And they would've understood and appreciated the sentiment behind what you did, even if you gave them more presents than they were expecting from you. This guy sounds like a stick-in-the-mud and someone who's always going to want everything done on his terms and God forbid if you do ANYTHING that falls outside of HIS precious comfort zone! He sounds as exciting to be with as watching paint dry. . 5
fitnessfan365 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I feel bad for the OP. She really wanted to make this guy's birthday (that she's known for 3 months and is in a relationship with for 1 month) very special. And, while I think that maybe she could've just given him one of the three things that she bought for him and that would've been enough, he had a very negative and immature attitude towards her about the nice things she tried to do for his birthday. I mean, seriously? He couldn't have shown a little more appreciation or happiness at someone who cared that much to make the day he was born special and fun? And, I'm not buying that this guy - who makes TWICE the salary she does - doesn't even own ONE decent shirt that he could've thrown on with jeans? Instead of him saying 'thank you' and going along for the ride and enjoying everything, he pissed all over your plans and then rubbed your face in it. OP, regardless of most of the comments on here stating that you overplayed your hand and that you were wrong for doing what you did and that you should stay in this relationship with him because "some people just don't like surprises" - if I were you, I'd end it with him and move on. There are plenty of other guys out there who would've LOVED the surprise b-day party that you planned!! And they would've understood and appreciated the sentiment behind what you did, even if you gave them more presents than they were expecting from you. This guy sounds like a stick-in-the-mud and someone who's always going to want everything done on his terms and God forbid if you do ANYTHING that falls outside of HIS precious comfort zone! He sounds as exciting to be with as watching paint dry. . Hahahahaha.. :laugh::laugh: The paint dry comment made my night. Now I can admit when I was wrong and I came down hard on the OP because I didn't have all the details. If I had known that he complained about her making him look bad and that's why she suggested the shirt, I would have thought differently. The fact that she was willing to dress up in a place she could pay for with a $12 group on is actually kind of cool. Some women won't dress up unless it's a nicer restaurant, or a club/event. But it really did come off like she was demanding he buy a shirt to make her feel more comfortable for dressing up. The last thing a guy wants, is to be given a project he has to complete to make someone else happy for his own birthday. Plus, I still believe that all of those things together is way too much for a one month anniversary. Even though she found ways not to spend an arm and a leg, it's a bit much. If I was in her spot, I would have just gone with the tickets to the band. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 I don't know what you see in this guy OP, sounds like more negatives than positives. Find someone who appreciates the things you do for them, this guy doesn't. Who cares if he's nice "in the right setting".... Also, date someone who actually owns a dress shirt or two - AKA almost every other guy. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 Also, date someone who actually owns a dress shirt or two - AKA almost every other guy. :laugh::laugh: You never know though dude. Steve Jobs spends his days walking around in New Balance sneakers. Casual is the new classy.
Taramere Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 He has a job. He makes double my salary so he's not broke... but when we had dinner at his place he only had 1 plate, 1 fork, 1 knife, 1 bowl.. there wasn't a towel for me to shower, etc Wow. If he were an undergraduate living in halls of residence, you could understand...but it's pretty odd for a working man, with his own place. Most men I've known, even when they were students in fact, would incorporate cooking for other people/being cooked for by others into their social life. Even people who were a little shy. For a man of your bf's age to live in a way that so thoroughly excludes other people (no provision for guests whatsoever) suggests to me that trying to have a relationship with him is going to be a steep uphill climb. It's one thing for a person to not like surprises...especially as surprises all too often involve doing what the surprise giver enjoys doing, rather than what the recipient would prefer to do. But to have one's whole life geared towards such a solitary existence that you make no provision whatsoever in your home for guests...that smacks of somebody who gives little thought or consideration to others and is likely going to be taxing to have a relationship with. My guess is that to make it work, you'll be expected to put a great deal of effort into understanding his funny ways...and as part and parcel of those "funny ways" you may well find that making effort and compromise is a bit of a one way street. While I can certainly understand that somebody who doesn't like surprises would want to convey that to a new partner who had planned a surprise for their birthday, if he had better people skills he would at least have expressed some appreciation for the thought - even if the thought was misguided on this occasion. How did you and he get together? 3
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Tara, I totally agree with you. I've.been thinking about these things most of thing the day. Update.. He came over and we talked. He said he doesn't know if he's afraid to open up and whether or not it's a matter of him being single so long that he doesn't know what being in a traditional should feel like. He said that the he liked his gifts and that it was the most thoughtful gift he's ever gotten. He said he hates himself sometimes so he can't understand why someone else would go out of the way for him and he often ha negative reactions to it because he doesn't know how to happily receive them. He said that he cares for me and he didn't want to break up but that he doesn't understand why he's not" falling over himself for me." The last girl he was crazy about was a train wreck and he said she was into drugs and other things but he was super into her and our interactions are different. I told him that he could walk whenever he wanted and that if he was singing if
Author meeji Posted March 24, 2015 Author Posted March 24, 2015 Sorry, if he was doubting his feelings for me then I would not put up a fight. Sure I was sad about it but in a way I'm relieved. He seemed pretty unavailable and now I'm free to meet someone who doesn't have a lifestyle with so many barriers. Thank you everyone. By the way. We met in ok Cupid.... 3
Taramere Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 He said that he cares for me and he didn't want to break up but that he doesn't understand why he's not" falling over himself for me." The last girl he was crazy about was a train wreck and he said she was into drugs and other things but he was super into her and our interactions are different. So your single-serving friend is near traumatised by the notion of dressing in casually smart clothes and having a meal in pleasant surroundings, unless he's given plenty of advance warning....yet confront him with a drug-abusing mess of a woman and it's all systems go. I think he's told you all you need to know about him. He sounds like an absolute bore who, on some level, knows he's an absolute bore - and attempts to alleviate it with drama, rather than by striving to become a more well rounded person, socially capable person. With more than one set of crockery in his cupboard. 7
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