meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Ladies and Gents, I need so 2nd and 3rd opinions on this one bc my mind is blown! My bf's birthday is tomorrow. He knew about 2 weeks ago that I was planning a surprise for him. We talked about it a week ago when he asked me what it was and said that he didn't want a surprise party. I said that it wasn't a party and to meet at my place at 7pm. So today is our 1 month and tomorrow is his actual birthday. Apparently, his anxiety has been building up over this mystery. I was going to give him his birthday gift ( which was a 1hr professional massage that I bought for him) and the rest of the "surprise," was dinner at a Thai place. I bought 2 tickets to see a band that he really likes and that was going to go in the folder when the waiter bought our check for dinner. I mentioned dressing up on his birthday and he said "I don't have any dress clothes ( this was 4 days before his birthday so technically he had time to go get something). Why would you dress up and make me feel like I'm under dressed. I'm a simple guy I'm not dressing up." I let go but later I said "I'm sure you can find a nice dress shirt that is simple to wear on Tuesday." He said "No, I don't have time for that." So, I cancelled dinner and dropped by his office today to give him the tickets as an anniversary gift and tomorrow I was planning on dropping the Birthday card with the massage thing off at his place. He said that he needed to know what/where we were going and he said that he didn't want to dress up..also that he didn't like surprises and that he was not excited about it at all ( another reason why I cancelled.) I told him I cancelled it and since it was his birthday we would do whatever he wanted to do and he could wear whatever he wanted. Then he was kinda surprised that I cancelled and asked me to tell him what it was so I did. I don't know what he thought it was but I didn't plan anything outrageous. He told me that he hasn't celebrated his bday for several years so I wanted to do something nice for him. All he had to was sit back and enjoy the ride but apparently it was something he couldn't do. I told him that when people do surprised for others the person on the receiving end is not entitled to know what it is. He said that I was keeping secrets and he didn't like it and that he didn't understand why it had to keep it from him. I tried to explain to him that some people think it's fun and exciting and it gives them something to look forward to. Lately, I feel like everything is on his terms always.... I can't even plan a surprise for him without him freaking out about not being in control. He still thinks that the issue is over him not having a dress shirt but he doesn't understand that I am now seeing this as an incompatibility issue and I've been wondering for the last 2 weeks or so if we should continue. What do you guys think about this? I feel like he's so used to being a alone and doing things his way for so long that he's having a hard time adjusting to outside influences and I feel like he totally overlooked my effort, which made me feel unappreciated.
losangelena Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Just a few questions for some background: How old are y'all? It's your one-month anniversary, but what does that mean? One month of knowing each other? One month of exclusivity? Has he ever acted this way about anything else before? 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 To be honest, I think you came on a bit strong for a "one month" anniversary. I get that it was also his birthday. But still, one month is not that big of a deal. Getting him tickets to a band, a massage, and treating him to a dinner seems like something you'd do after being together for a year. Just one of those things would have been enough. Also, it comes off like you're trying to make your plans a burden on him. You should want to dress sexy for your man regardless of what he is wearing. In all honesty, I'd feel the same way as him. I'm not going to spend my hard earned money to buy an outfit I'd wear one time. But if my girl asked me to dress up, I'd choose something a bit nicer out of what I already own as a compromise. 7
kendahke Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Dang--what you planned seemed very nice, understated and classy. Anybody who received that for a birthday present would have been touched by your generosity. Lately, I feel like everything is on his terms always.... I can't even plan a surprise for him without him freaking out about not being in control. He still thinks that the issue is over him not having a dress shirt but he doesn't understand that I am now seeing this as an incompatibility issue and I've been wondering for the last 2 weeks or so if we should continue. What do you guys think about this? I feel like he's so used to being a alone and doing things his way for so long that he's having a hard time adjusting to outside influences and I feel like he totally overlooked my effort, which made me feel unappreciated. I think that the conclusions you've come to are on target. Never overlook incompatibility issues when they're this bold. I'm at a loss for as to why a grown man would not have a dress shirt and nice pair of slacks in his closet if, for no other reason, when a job interview arises. He doesn't want to put out the effort for you or anyone and it appears he will ferociously guard his "right" to slob about and do nothing. Quite frankly, I'd just phone him and break up with him and then find a friend to have the massage and go to the concert with. You're just casting pearls before swine with this one. 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 To be honest, I think you came on a bit strong for a "one month" anniversary. I get that it was also his birthday. But still, one month is not that big of a deal. Getting him tickets to a band, a massage, and treating him to a dinner seems like something you'd do after being together for a year. Just one of those things would have been enough. Also, it comes off like you're trying to make your plans a burden on him. You should want to dress sexy for your man regardless of what he is wearing. In all honesty, I'd feel the same way as him. I'm not going to spend my hard earned money to buy an outfit I'd wear one time. But if my girl asked me to dress up, I'd choose something a bit nicer out of what I already own as a compromise. Hmm, I think she just wants to show him that she cares. They are official after all, and while 1 month isn't a long time, if she did nothing she would run the risk of disappointing him. The fact that this guy doesn't have anything dressy to wear either tells me that he's either broke, or not that classy of a guy. I can say most guys who are happy in their relationship would be happy with what you have planned, his negative reaction is a bad sign. 2
losangelena Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 To be honest, I think you came on a bit strong for a "one month" anniversary. I get that it was also his birthday. But still, one month is not that big of a deal. Getting him tickets to a band, a massage, and treating him to a dinner seems like something you'd do after being together for a year. Just one of those things would have been enough. I agree with this actually, now that I think about it. My BF's birthday came around when we'd been together for about four months, and I just gave him a card and a nice bottle of whiskey. I let him plan his birthday drinks himself. That might have to do with why he's freaking out about it. Too much too soon? I dunno. I agree with kendahke though, too. Why should he leave you feeling so unappreciated and like you wanting to do something nice for him was some kind of affront? 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Hmm, I think she just wants to show him that she cares. They are official after all, and while 1 month isn't a long time, if she did nothing she would run the risk of disappointing him. The fact that this guy doesn't have anything dressy to wear either tells me that he's either broke, or not that classy of a guy. I can say most guys who are happy in their relationship would be happy with what you have planned, his negative reaction is a bad sign. I get that she wanted to show that she cares. But if a woman wanted to do all of that for me after just one month, it would make me really uncomfortable. I mean a small gesture like the massage would have been plenty. Also, when you do a surprise for someone or plan a gift for them, there shouldn't be stipulations attached. Her saying "I'm dressing up so now you have to go out shopping and buy something to make me feel comfortable dressed up" is BS in my opinion. Hell, when I was at my brother's birthday dinner with the family on Valentine's Day, I saw sexy women in skirts and heels with boyfriend's dressed like bums..LOL Now granted, this bugged the crap out of me, and if my woman was dressing up for me, I wouldn't dress like a Salvation Army reject. But still, doing something nice for someone else, shouldn't come with terms. 2
Shepp Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I HATE surprises! However nice the surprise I hate having something sprung on me and I hate having been kept in the dark. I know you were trying to be nice and do something fun, but people are different for some people there's nothing fun about a surprise! I'm a control freak, I'm not keen on a surprise set up by my Mum let alone set up after just a month of dating! 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I agree with this actually, now that I think about it. My BF's birthday came around when we'd been together for about four months, and I just gave him a card and a nice bottle of whiskey. I let him plan his birthday drinks himself. That might have to do with why he's freaking out about it. Too much too soon? This was my thinking too. WAY too much for one month. But that gift you gave your BF is perfect. Thoughtful and small token of your affection for the limited time you'd been together.
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I think it highlighted your incompatibility, he likes to slob about, you wanted him to dress up a bit and go out with you for dinner and a band HE likes, but he was a stick in the mud, preferring to upset you and spoil your nice plans than go with the flow. He is already set in his ways and he is not someone you should waste your time on, as you appear to have life and a spark about you. A spark that he chose to extinguish; he will only make you unhappy if you stay. 3
rester Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't like surprises and having to go on a special shopping trip just 4 days away from my birthday would irritate the hell out of me. I realize you put a lot of effort into this, but not everyone appreciates surprises or being given a project. Why did it need to be a surprise? Why can't you tell him exactly what you want to do for him? He may have been more inclined to agree to it if you included him in his own birthday plans. Lately, I feel like everything is on his terms always.... I can't even plan a surprise for him without him freaking out about not being in control. He still thinks that the issue is over him not having a dress shirt but he doesn't understand that I am now seeing this as an incompatibility issue and I've been wondering for the last 2 weeks or so if we should continue. The feeling you get of everything being on his terms always is a larger issue that you may want to look at, but it's his birthday. Let him celebrate (or not celebrate) it any way that he wants to. I wouldn't use this one incident to overshadow the whole relationship, because I don't think this specific incident indicates incompatibility in a relationship. Just because two people choose different ways of celebrating a birthday doesn't make them incompatible. What do you guys think about this? I feel like he's so used to being a alone and doing things his way for so long that he's having a hard time adjusting to outside influences and I feel like he totally overlooked my effort, which made me feel unappreciated. I think it was a sweet idea but misguided. It shows you don't know your BF very well. I would tell him straight up that you feel disappointed and that he overlooked your effort, but reassure him you understand now that the surprise thing was a bad idea. It's a difference of opinion but not an incompatibility. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I don't like surprises and having to go on a special shopping trip just 4 days away from my birthday would irritate the hell out of me. I realize you put a lot of effort into this, but not everyone appreciates surprises or being given a project. Why did it need to be a surprise? Why can't you tell him exactly what you want to do for him? He may have been more inclined to agree to it if you included him in his own birthday plans. OUTSTANDING!!! Couldn't agree more man. If anything, a woman should have the confidence to dress up sexy for the guy she's with regardless of what he is wearing. Tell him that he has to go on a shopping trip to put her at ease, when it's her choice to dress up and do these birthday activities is LAME.
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Just a few questions for some background: How old are y'all? It's your one-month anniversary, but what does that mean? One month of knowing each other? One month of exclusivity? Has he ever acted this way about anything else before? I'm 30, he is 29. We've known each other for only 3 months. One of those we've been in a relationship.
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 He sounds to me like he has some social anxiety maybe, which isn't good. Either that or he truly is awfully controlling (social anxiety will make you controlling). I once bought a little new wavy silk tie for a guy I'd been dating about a month, and you'd have thought I had asked him to have my baby or something. So just know that lots of guys don't do quick milestones and if you do much for them, they don't reciprocate and all they do is resent you for making them feel obligated to reciprocate. So you didn't know him well enough to know that and in the future, don't do anything much this early. But on the flip side, now you DO know something about him that isn't very attractive and yes, I think you'd do well to ask yourself how much time you want to spend with a guy who hates surprises and celebrating so much he gets pissed at you and who won't even put on a dress shirt! So IMO, despite that it went all wrong, it just may have been money well spent after all. Just in general because guys sometimes totally equate commitment with milestones and gifting, follow their lead when possible. If they're not gifting, don't gift until they do.
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 He has a job. He makes double my salary so he's not broke... but when we had dinner at his place he only had 1 plate, 1 fork, 1 knife, 1 bowl.. there wasn't a towel for me to shower, ect. So when he told me he didn't have a dress shirt I believed him. When I asked him what would he wear to an interview, or a funeral or a wedding he got pissed at me and said he didn't need my fashion tips. I. don't think I was coming on strong. He hikes reguarly but he is very tense. I do yoga and he's been wanting to practice at my studio but he he has knots everywhere and that's why I got the massage for him. As for the concert tickets, he's pretty much a loner and listens to really obscure music so he'd be hard pressed to find anyone else to go with him. He complained before about going to shows alone. The band isn't popular so both tickets together were $20. I didn't ask him to go out and buy a suit. I asked him if he could find a nice shirt. Ross sells simple, solid button shirts for $12 bucks. If he wanted to wear jeans with the shirt I wouldn't have had a problem with that. The restaurant is nice so I wanted to look like. I think you guys are confused about that part on me dressing up. When he said he didn't want to dress up I said I was going to anyway for myself... and that's when he said that if would make him feel undress if I dressed up. Why didn't I tell him the plans? because I wanted to surprise him. What's so strange about that? I'm surprised at the comments that think what I planned was over the top. I've always celebrated every month that I'm with someone. I didn't use to but I dated someone who changed my perspective. I don't think there's anything crazy about celebrating monthly anniversaries. I'm a thoughtful person so I like to do little things to show my appreciation for the person I'm with. Like I said, the tickets were $20 bucks, the massage was a $20 groupon and I had a $12 dollar groupon for dinner. It wasn't like I broke the bank on this guy.. 1
lana-banana Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 There are a lot of little things here, each of which are plenty exasperating in their own right: 1) Monthly anniversaries are for high school, not your thirties. 2) I understand wanting to do something nice for his birthday but that was way over the top for someone you've known for just three months. When a guy says he doesn't want to be surprised, don't surprise him. 3) You essentially told him to spend his money on getting ready for his own surprise gift. 4) And you gave him four days to do it? My schedule is so hectic I haven't even had my hair cut since October. When is he supposed to find time to go clothes shopping in four days? So, yeah, I have to side with the man (can you even call him your boyfriend after just one month?). You've spent the last two weeks or so wondering about your basic compatibility. That is at least half the time you've been dating! Do you think it's right to spend the honeymoon period questioning whether you should be with this guy? 4
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 I'm surprised at the comments that think what I planned was over the top. I've always celebrated every month that I'm with someone. I didn't use to but I dated someone who changed my perspective. I don't think there's anything crazy about celebrating monthly anniversaries. I'm a thoughtful person so I like to do little things to show my appreciation for the person I'm with. Like I said, the tickets were $20 bucks, the massage was a $20 groupon and I had a $12 dollar groupon for dinner. It wasn't like I broke the bank on this guy.. Celebrating every month is a bit over the top IMO. I can see doing three months, six months, year one, and then keeping it with yearly celebrations after that. But every month? Also, if the dinner was only a $12 group on, it's not like you're taking him to a five star restaurant. Haha But as I said before, it wasn't really about the money. It was about you trying to make plans that you chose to do, a burden on him. Having to shop for an outfit your girlfriend "designates" because she wants to take you our for your birthday is a pain in the ass. If you're choosing to wear something nice for him, he shouldn't have to go shopping to match IMO. 4
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Just a few questions for some background: How old are y'all? It's your one-month anniversary, but what does that mean? One month of knowing each other? One month of exclusivity? Has he ever acted this way about anything else before? Oh yea, we had a fight last week because my friend passed away and when I asked him to stay the night with me he said that he had to go home and work. Prior to that, we had to reschedule a dinner date because he said he didn't want me to spend 2 nights together in a row. He's very rigid about everything in his life. If every second is not mapped out his equilibrium is thrown off. My comment about everything being on his terms had a lot to do with the fact that he was so focused on his his timeline that he couldn't pause for one second to comfort me in my time of need. We've talked these things that have been bothering me but today I reached the point where I started to wonder if any of them are things that will ever change.
rester Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Why didn't I tell him the plans? because I wanted to surprise him. What's so strange about that? What's strange about it is that he told you he doesn't want a surprise but you want to give him one anyway. I'm surprised at the comments that think what I planned was over the top. I've always celebrated every month that I'm with someone. I didn't use to but I dated someone who changed my perspective. I don't think there's anything crazy about celebrating monthly anniversaries. I'm a thoughtful person so I like to do little things to show my appreciation for the person I'm with. Like I said, the tickets were $20 bucks, the massage was a $20 groupon and I had a $12 dollar groupon for dinner. It wasn't like I broke the bank on this guy.. It's not about the money. Apparently, his anxiety has been building up over this mystery. I was going to give him his birthday gift ( which was a 1hr professional massage that I bought for him) and the rest of the "surprise," was dinner at a Thai place. I bought 2 tickets to see a band that he really likes and that was going to go in the folder when the waiter bought our check for dinner. It really was a sweet idea and all, but it sounds more like you are doing these things for him because these are the things you would want and expect him to do for you on your own birthday. If that's not the case, I apologize, but I think it's something worth thinking about. Sometimes we do things because we ourselves like them, when in fact the other person doesn't like the same thing at all. I'll reiterate that I don't think wanting differing things on a birthday is, in and of itself, an incompatibility issue. This is personal, but I celebrate my birthdays in a way a lot of people don't understand...I walk off into the back-country by myself for a few days. I've done this for almost 20 years with three exceptions. My girlfriend would much rather celebrate with me and take me out to dinner or something "normal", but she respects how I celebrate it and doesn't try to change it. Because of this, we have a second celebration together because I know it makes her happy and we don't let these things determine our compatibility. 2
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 What's strange about it is that he told you he doesn't want a surprise but you want to give him one anyway. It's not about the money. It really was a sweet idea and all, but it sounds more like you are doing these things for him because these are the things you would want and expect him to do for you on your own birthday. If that's not the case, I apologize, but I think it's something worth thinking about. Sometimes we do things because we ourselves like them, when in fact the other person doesn't like the same thing at all. I'll reiterate that I don't think wanting differing things on a birthday is, in and of itself, an incompatibility issue. This is personal, but I celebrate my birthdays in a way a lot of people don't understand...I walk off into the back-country by myself for a few days. I've done this for almost 20 years with three exceptions. My girlfriend would much rather celebrate with me and take me out to dinner or something "normal", but she respects how I celebrate it and doesn't try to change it. Because of this, we have a second celebration together because I know it makes her happy and we don't let these things determine our compatibility. That's sweet. You and your gf have found a way to compromise. All the things I chose were things he likes. I dont know the band that I bought tickets for but he loves them. We go out to dinner often so the dinner is nothing out of the norm, which is why I chose it. I knew he'd be comfortable dining with me and enjoy the food. I've already said there are other things that scream incompatiblity to me besides this birthday thing... 1
preraph Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 He's only sprung for one plate, one cup, etc? So guessing he's also cheap. So you spending all that money was probably extremely alarming to him. Not saying YOU are wrong. I think he's the scary one. Just not a match. I think you're too much of a good thing for his rigid a**. 2
rester Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 That's sweet. You and your gf have found a way to compromise. All the things I chose were things he likes. I dont know the band that I bought tickets for but he loves them. We go out to dinner often so the dinner is nothing out of the norm, which is why I chose it. I knew he'd be comfortable dining with me and enjoy the food. I've already said there are other things that scream incompatiblity to me besides this birthday thing... I missed your post before my last. If you have other incompatibility things going on, I get it. I was only responding to the birthday surprise thing. Like I said, all your ideas were good, just not the surprise when he stated he didn't want a surprise. Moral of the story: don't give someone a surprise if they don't like surprises, and don't give a guy a shopping project 4 days before his birthday.
losangelena Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 Oh yea, we had a fight last week because my friend passed away and when I asked him to stay the night with me he said that he had to go home and work. Prior to that, we had to reschedule a dinner date because he said he didn't want me to spend 2 nights together in a row. He's very rigid about everything in his life. If every second is not mapped out his equilibrium is thrown off. My comment about everything being on his terms had a lot to do with the fact that he was so focused on his his timeline that he couldn't pause for one second to comfort me in my time of need. We've talked these things that have been bothering me but today I reached the point where I started to wonder if any of them are things that will ever change. Can I ask how y'all met and what you do see in him, compatibility-wise? 'Cause so far we've heard that he's frugal, rigid, and a bit controlling. There has to be something about him you like.
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Thanks for the feedback guy. I appreciate all the perspective even if I don't agree with some of the comments. He was happy about the tickets and just last night he said he needed to get a massage. I can go with a friend and use my groupon some other time. I think the bottom line is that I'd probably like to date someone a little more adventurous.. or at least flexible. 3
Author meeji Posted March 23, 2015 Author Posted March 23, 2015 Can I ask how y'all met and what you do see in him, compatibility-wise? 'Cause so far we've heard that he's frugal, rigid, and a bit controlling. There has to be something about him you like. I do like him. He is sweet as long as he's in a comfortable environment. He's attractive and intelligent, creative too. He's pretty passionate about his work and these are all things that I find endearing about him. I just see us clashing a lot if we continue. For example, sleep in until 11 and goes to work at noon, eats lunch at 4 has dinner at 11pm. I'm up between 5-6am, in the office by 8:30, eat lunch at noon and I'm home and ready for happy hour 5pm ... and i'm sleeping by 10:30. He told me that he felt like he was giving up his power if he got a regular schedule. That was the first time I had the thought that he's the power struggle kind of guy..
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